by KL Donn
I guess if one good thing could come from my capture, it’s that I can finally gloat in Theo’s face about my newfound skills.
Codie
* * *
Learning who my mysterious runner is now, I realize that Ryder lives next door to me. I saw that he left early this morning and even as the sun begins to set, I know he’s not home yet.
After boarding up my house, I spent all day in front of my computer pounding out three days of work so I could remain distracted.
Fear paralyzes me as my eyes burn, and my mind begs for sleep. I can’t, though. If I close my eyes, whoever broke in could come back, and I’d be more vulnerable than before because now he knows that I know he was here.
I spent some time today trying to figure out what could have happened, how he got in, who he was. The sedan from yesterday kept popping into my mind, but even that didn’t make sense because I haven’t seen it since then, and I don’t recall noticing it when the police arrived last night.
Maybe they are right; I am losing my mind.
I wanted to believe I could get past my illness. I wanted to believe I could have a life. But what if all I’m meant for is to be lonely? An outsider forever looking in.
Chapter 4
Codie
Boom. Crash. Bang.
I flinch with each noise. Cry out every time the thunder sounds.
After boarding up every window in the house two days ago, I moved myself into the small den off the front door. With a quick shot to the kitchen and a rounded corner to the bathroom, I don’t need to be anywhere else in my house.
I haven’t opened my door since Ryder left, and I’ve become even more sheltered. The mere thought of opening it wide when I have supplies being delivered tomorrow throws me into a deep panic.
I’m fuming mad at myself, too. I was getting better. I was making progress, and one stupid shadow scares me into becoming this…this…I don’t even know what I am anymore. I hate it. I hate myself for what I’ve allowed myself to become. This isn’t the life I was supposed to have. This is someone else’s. I keep telling myself that I almost feel a little better. Then I remember the fear. It hits me out of nowhere. This suffocating loneliness wraps around me like a tidal wave.
I’m more convinced now than when the officers suggested it that it was my imagination wreaking havoc with my mind. Nobody was here, there was no way for them to get in. I made whoever it is up. It’s a demon in my mind that needs to be forced back into my subconscious so I can breathe again.
I want to be better. I want to go out. I want to live without fear. But I’m terrified it’s never going to be me. I’ll live in this depressing hole until I’m dead, until I’ve been hiding for so long that no one even remembers I exist. I’ll let all the good things a person has in life pass me by because I can’t get out of my own fucking head!
I don’t want to be like this. I would hate to miss out on life, but I don’t see any other options. I’ve tried to work my way out of this; I’ve tried for so long and so hard to move past my fears. I was almost there this time.
Ryder had been a weird part of it, too. His routine of running past my house, it was something to look forward to. A beacon of light on my gloomy days.
Until he met me. Now, I’m this strange girl next door who watches him, and he doesn’t run anymore. At least, not past my house. I haven’t seen him since locking my doors that night.
Part of me is sad about that because when he touched me, spoke to me like a real person and not some freak of nature, I felt something. I don’t understand what it was, but it was there, and it was tangible. I could have held onto it if only I saw him again.
Now, I’m left to wonder if he wasn’t a figment of my imagination, as well.
Boom. Crash. Bang.
I flinch with each noise. Hide deeper in the stupid little fort I’ve made between the couch and two end tables. I’m five again and hiding from thunderstorms, only I don’t have Abby, my childhood dog, to keep me safe from the monsters in my closet.
Boom. Crash. Bang.
When will this nightmare end?
Ryder
* * *
“Comms check.” I tap the mic in my ear as I watch through a camera drone that I’m flying over the team from a location eight miles away.
“Check,” Knot grumbles through the line as he stands guard outside the helicopter that just landed with the ambassador in it.
“Check,” Shaker says from his position inside the building, securing any unexpected visitors as they enter. The embassy has more people coming and going than a fucking whorehouse at dawn.
“Check.” I see Chaos shake his head from the ground, pushing any lingering vehicles along with threats of a bullet to the brain or prison in an unstable country of his choosing. It might not be legal, but it gets people moving.
“You know you’re becoming obsessed with this shit, right?” Phantom laughs through the line. His perch four buildings south of the embassy gives him a hawk’s-eye view of all of us, and anyone else who might have a fancy to take out one of the few people trying to bring stability to the country. “Christ sake, check.” His curse keeps going, but he knows I won’t say a word until I hear a response from each of them.
“Better safe than sorry.” I can see Nix tense at my words, and I know what’s going through his head. He thinks I’m not ready. Well, I am. I’m just more cautious than I used to be. “Heads up, Chaos, tour truck coming your way from the east. Backs loaded down. No tourists visible in the windows.” Why they’d need a tour truck is beyond me. Moldova is not anyone’s vacation destination.
“Got it. Phantom, you got the driver?”
“In my sight.”
“Something’s going on in here, guys. People are running scared,” Shaker reports back.
“Use caution,” Knot commands just as the truck stops.
“Tac, you scanning this thing? Driver won’t look at me.”
Studying the thermal images, I switch to x-ray and see an empty truck. Gotta love Uncle Sam’s high-tech gadgets. “It’s empty,” I relay but begin scanning farther out as Nix escorts the ambassador off the chopper.
“Something’s not right.” Chaos echoes my thoughts. “Phantom, you see anything?”
“Negative. No active combatants.” As soon as he says the words, I hear the hum of a drone directly above me.
“Fuck.”
“What?” Nix snaps as he hands the ambassador off to Shaker inside the building. “What do you see, Tac?”
“Drone, directly overhead of me.” Without knowing if they realize I’m here, I can only assume it’s the Russians trying to surveil what the fuck is going on. They won’t know it’s American government operatives doing the escorting today because we don’t wear colors or flags—black or green all the way. They will likely assume, however.
“Weaponized or overwatch?” Phantom asks. “I’ve got it in my sights.”
Gazing up, I use my binoculars for a clearer view. “Overwatch,” I comment back. It’s similar to my own model.
“Security’s here,” Chaos reports. That’s our cue to leave. “They’ve got the driver in custody. No bomb on the truck.”
“Report back to the rendezvous point ASAP,” Knot snaps.
I watch as all the members of my team pack up before grabbing my own gear and starting the mile-long trek to where our pick-up is located. “Tac, get your ass in gear. We have ten minutes,” Theo snaps, and I understand his worry. Last time I was getting ready to meet them, I never made it.
This time will be different. I’ll be there. But before I go, I pull out a small camera from my pack and take pictures of the drone still hovering above my position. I get a dozen shots off before darting into the clearing beyond the woods behind me.
Hearing the sounds of blades whooshing through the air, I break free of the tree line in time to see our chopper landing. As we load into the beast of a machine, a dove—yeah, the bird—takes flight alongside us and even though I’m baffled as to it
s place here, it reminds me of Codie back home.
For the first time since becoming airborne less than twenty-four hours ago, she’s on my mind. The dove, fragile, pure, in need of protection, reminds me so much of my own little dove.
As the guys break down the mission in-flight, all I can think about is returning home. Seeing Codie. Holding her in my arms. Wondering if she’s still got the boards up over her windows. I silently compel our pilot to move faster. Knowing without seeing, that she’s sheltering herself away. That she’s trapped in whatever hell is holding her prisoner.
Chapter 5
Codie
It’s been quiet, too quiet, for days. I can’t think straight. I haven’t eaten. Breathing is difficult, and I can’t move. I’ve been in this damn panicked state for two days straight, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get my head on right.
I complained about being weird and isolated, hated the way I couldn’t break out of my shell before, now, I just wish for the me of a week ago. I wish I were opening my front door and feeling the cool breeze on my flesh. Hearing the sounds of the people in my neighborhood as they went about their busy days.
I want to be me again. Whether the normal or fucked up one, I don’t care, I just hate this defeated girl I’ve turned into. I hate how broken I’ve become in such a short time.
I had dreams once. I wanted to travel the world. Visit Sicily, Rome, Paris. I wanted to immerse myself in another country’s culture. To explore the ruins of Peru, travel by boat along the Amazon in Brazil. I longed to see Mount Everest if only to say I’d been there. To see the pyramids in Egypt. Learn about ancient castles in Ireland.
Instead, I’m stuck here, hiding in a home that feels more like a mortuary because I can’t fight my demons. The world has become too much for me to handle, and with no one to help ease my pain, I’m an even more reclusive hermit who’s afraid of her own shadow.
Peeking my head out of my little fort, I see daylight beginning to stream through a crack on the board over the window. When a shadow passes by the small opening, I cower in the corner. Terror paralyzes me as the sound of pounding starts on the door. I cover my ears with my hands and rock slightly. Go away, go away, go away. I repeat the words in my head, but the noise only intensifies.
“Codie!” I hear my name being called, but I don’t recognize the voice. “Come on, dove, it’s Ryder Morrison. Open the door.” With my knees tight to my chest, I try desperately to move. I don’t know the man well, but I trust him. When he came by the other day, he had this protective way about him that couldn’t be denied.
I want to let him in, I really do, but I can’t for the life of me make my body move. “Move!” I cry out.
“Codie, if you don’t open this door, I’m breaking a window!” They’re all covered, I don’t know how he could. “Come on, Codie, I don’t want to scare you any more than I’m sure you are.”
I’m trying; I swear I am. But the fear has me paralyzed. I can’t get my limbs or even my voice to cooperate. Tears form in my eyes, and I wipe them away angrily. I hate myself so much in this moment.
“I’m not going away, dove.” His voice has softened. “I’ll wait for as long as it takes. Just…let me know you’re alright. Make a noise. Something, anything.”
Noise…
My eyes roam around me in quick succession. Spying the hammer I used to board up all the windows, I grab it and toss it close to the door, so it clatters.
“I really need you to let me in. I need to see with my own eyes that you’re not hurt.” I don’t’ know how long it’s been since I’ve had someone care about me so much with knowing nothing more than my name.
“I’m okay,” I croak, hoping he’ll hear me.
He doesn’t. “I’m going to wait here until you open this door. I’ll be here, Codie.” I could weep with his resolution to strengthen me. Because that’s what he’s doing by simply being here. It feels like he’s fighting for me. Fighting to break me free of this hell I’ve trapped myself in.
I can hear him slide down the door. His head hits as he leans back with force. His frustration is palpable. “Ryder,” I whisper. I know he won’t hear it but saying his name out loud, it makes this all the more real in my mind.
Slowly lowering my legs, I gather every ounce of strength and determination I can muster, and I crawl to the door. My breath grows harsher with each movement. I can feel the terror igniting in the pits of my mind. The panic threatens to take control again.
I won’t let it; I can’t let it. I need to take back my life, and if I have to do it on my hands and knees, I’m damn well going to start there.
I slump against the door with a heavy thud, and his voice is so much closer. “Codie? Are you alright? I just need to hear your voice.”
Lying on the floor, I place one hand to my heart—trying to calm myself—and the other to the door, searching out his energy, gathering some for support.
“I’m here,” I say just above a whisper.
“Good, that’s good, Dove.” Relief is in his words. “Are you hurt? Do you need a doctor?”
“No!” I panic again at the idea of having to leave the house. “I’m fine. Physically.”
“What do you mean physically?” I can almost hear the scowl in his voice.
“I’m okay, that’s all.”
“Can you open the door?”
My heart stops and black clouds my vision at the mere suggestion of opening myself to the outside world. I can’t do it, not again. Not after last time. I was doing so well—or so I thought—and now, I’m a cowering wimp.
But Ryder won’t understand. He doesn’t know the demons I harbor.
“I can’t.” My voice cracks.
“Why?”
“I just can’t.”
“I need to come in, Codie. I need to see for myself that you’re not being held against your will.” Like anyone wants anything to do with me that way. I’m useless to society. It would be pointless.
“I’m not, I swear. I just can’t open the door. Please don’t make me explain it.” I don’t know how to; I’ve never had to explain it to anyone before.
“You have three locks, are they all locked?”
“Yes.” I frown, wondering where he’s going with his line of thinking.
“Can you open them?”
“No.” My answer is immediate. I’m petrified to open the door. That it’ll be the same as the other night. Someone could come into my home again.
“How about just one? Unbolt just one, then you still have two locked, plus the door handle.” He jiggles the lever as if to prove his point. Three locks, even if I unlock one.
Three locks.
One.
Two.
Three.
I’ll still have three.
Three locks.
Ryder
* * *
Waiting with bated breath on her next move, I sigh with relief when I hear the locking mechanism sliding free of the top deadbolt. “That’s good, Codie.” I have my suspicions now about what’s wrong with her, but I need my laptop. Only problem is I’m not willing to leave her to get it. I’m gaining her trust, and I won’t lose it for a piece of technology.
I need to engage her, get her trust to blossom, so she’ll let me in. It’s not that I don’t believe she’s fine, it’s that I don’t think she’s coping. After the break-in and the cops disbelief in her, and now, with her boarding her windows before I left and them remaining the same way after five days, I know she needs someone to put her faith in again.
“I’m sorry I was gone for so long. Business, you know.” I can’t come right out and tell her what happened.
“You work for the government; you don’t owe me anything. We’re not even friends.” If I didn’t hear the tinge of worry in her voice, I’d feel dismissed.
“We could be. We could be a lot more if you would just let me in.” I’m not just talking about her house either. Since coming back, I’ve felt vaguely adrift, out of place. Nix isn’t wrong whe
n he keeps insisting that I’m not myself.
My whole life, I’ve wanted to do something to help humanity. I’ve searched for a home that wasn’t my own. A place where I belong. In the Navy, I came close. In Task Force 779, I found everything I’d been searching for. Acceptance, brotherhood, friendship, family. I love my biological family. My parents have always been great, and Hayes has been my best friend, but I’m still left feeling unfilled.
“I can’t be anyone’s anything, Ryder.” Her voice catches on my name. “I’m so broken. More than you can ever understand.”
“Broken can be fixed.” I rap my knuckles on the wood beneath me in tune to my heartbeat. “I was once.” I don’t know how else to get to her. “Three years ago, I was captured and tortured in a foreign country.” Talking about it has gotten easier over the years, but the memories still swamp me. “I didn’t think I’d ever get rescued, let alone have a second chance to live my life.”
“I’m so sorry.” She sounds like she’s crying.
“They held me for a year. I have scars, mentally and physically, that I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.” When I hear a deadbolt unlock, I sit up taller. “When I saw Nix and Theo come crashing into that cave, guns at the ready, a look in their eyes saying they expected to find me dead, that was my strength to fight the rest of my way out of that cave. It gave me the power to break free of my demons.”
“You’re so strong,” she whispers through the door. From the pitch of her voice, I think she’s laying on the floor, so I lower my body.
“That day, my strength came from my team. Even though they suspected I was likely dead. In fact, they had found remains that led them to believe I was dead at one time. But they still investigated that one tip that hinted I was alive. I couldn’t be more grateful.” I won’t tell her the horrors brought upon me, but I want her to know she’s not alone in her turmoil. “Do you have someone to help you, Codie?”