by KL Donn
Ryder
* * *
“One, two, three.” Codie counts. I noticed the panic in her eyes as the knock sounded on the door. I know that when I go back in there, she’s going to be in the corner hiding. Honestly, I’ll be shocked if she’s not hunkered down behind the sofa.
“Hey, guys.” I greet Theo and Foster as they come in with the electronics that I asked them for. The windows will be delivered in a couple of hours, which will give us just enough time to get the cameras up and running and search around the premises.
“Hey, man, where’s this girl that’s got you all twisted up?” Foster grins ear to ear. The man is an eternal flirt, and I should have thought about that before asking for his help.
“Hiding,” Theo jokes, and I shoot him a dirty look. Mostly because he’s fucking right. She is hiding. She’s terrified of her own damn shadow, and I feel a bit helpless.
“Start in the kitchen, work your way in here,” I bark the orders at them. I know there’s not much I can do to make this comfortable for Codie, but I’ll try my best to ease her into it.
“Got it, bossman.” Theo salutes as he and Foster make their way to the back of the house.
“Hi, Codie!” Foster calls as he passes the den where she’s hiding.
Striding back over to where I left her, I crouch down to her level and hold out a hand. “Codie,” I say softly as her head lays on her knees and her body vibrates. “Let me help you upstairs.” If I can convince her to get into a hot shower and some clean clothes, I think it might help her feel some control again.
Her head lifts slightly so I can see just her eyes. I’m punched in the gut with the sheer amount of terror I see in their depths.
“No one’s going to hurt you.” They may be loud-mouthed assholes, but they’d never hurt a vulnerable woman.
“The panic,” she croaks, her throat so dry that words are hard. “It holds me hostage sometimes.”
I sit in front of her, knowing this is an important confession for her. “It consumes your thoughts, right?” She nods. “Makes you see and maybe hear things that aren’t there?”
“Yes,” she murmurs, tears hovering on her lids.
“Mine, too,” I tell her. “My heart beats so rapidly I think it’ll beat right out of my chest.”
“It hurts.”
“I know it does. That’s why you have to get up, every day. You have to show that panic that it doesn’t control you.” Her eyes close, and she takes a deep breath. “You control it, dove. It’s all you.”
“I want to.” She averts her eyes.
“Then do it.”
“I’m not strong enough.”
“I’ll help you.”
She meets my hard gaze again, and I hold out my hand, completely prepared to wait for as long as she needs to be ready when she slowly places her fingers into my palm. Gripping her delicate hand with mine, I stand and bring her with me.
Ignoring the guys in the kitchen, I walk her to the stairs, and together, we climb. Leading her into her room, I wait in the door frame as she pauses. Likely thinking of the man who broke into her sanctuary and violated her safety.
I don’t say anything as she slowly begins to wander into the room and quickly grabs clothes from her dresser. Scurrying over to me, she looks to me for direction, and I nod towards the bathroom. “I’ll be right out here, waiting until you’re done.”
The relief that swamps her face assures me of my choice to protect her. Even for something as simple as a shower. I know she’s going to have to learn to rely on herself in the future, but for now, I’ll help her by letting her lean on me.
Codie
* * *
I haven’t had so many people in my home since I was thrown a sweet sixteen birthday party four years ago. Having someone here, experiencing my life, the waste it’s become, brings forth every insecurity I’ve had in my entire life.
If not for Ryder…
They wouldn’t be here.
I also wouldn’t be trying to gain my footing.
I’m stupid for becoming so reliant on him so quickly, but he calls to me in a way I crave to understand. I thought I loved Jason all those years ago. He made my heart skip a beat, but never, not once, did he make me feel half as alive as Ryder does. Ryder pulls at me, makes me want to be better, even if I know I can’t be.
After Lucas.
Lucas was my way of gaining a life, of becoming something other than a teenaged mom. He was my one good choice, and I couldn’t even protect him. I failed at the one thing I started on my own, and now, I have this amazing man seeing more in me than there is.
I am a failure.
A killer.
“Oh God!” I cry into the steaming water as it cascades down my face and body. Scalding every inch it touches.
I killed my baby.
I was selfish, and he paid the ultimate price for my mistakes.
“Codie?” I hear Ryder call as he knocks on the door. He likely hears my crying.
“I’m fine,” I rasp out. Even surrounded by water, my throat is dry.
Silence is my only answer, and I dread that he already knows. He has the resources to find out anything he likes about me.
“I’m coming in.” His words startle me as I see the shadow of the door opening and closing. Ryder moves gingerly, just enough to brace his hands on either side of the curtain and wait. He can’t see me, but I get the feeling he’d like to open the curtain. “Talk to me,” he commands.
“I don’t…” know what to say.
“Anything,” he mutters, sounding out of breath. “Tell me something. Just one damn thing, Codie.”
“About what?” I don’t understand what he wants here.
“Your past.” I freeze at his words, and when the water begins to run cold, I shiver in the spray before I see his hand sneak behind the curtain, and he shuts it off. “One thing from your past,” he says as he pulls the curtain back, observing me in all my vulnerability and insecurity. Ryder sees me in my rawest form, and still, he wants me to share with him.
My head drops, shame swamps me, and I feel lifeless as I quietly confess, “I killed my son.”
I don’t look up.
I don’t move.
I barely breathe.
Ryder remains silent. He dries my body. He helps me dress. Holds my hand as we walk out of the bathroom and down the stairs together.
Still nothing. Not a single word spoken; nevertheless, I feel his gaze on me. His very presence surrounds me. And yet, I feel as though he isn’t here at all.
I ignore the background noise, the sounds of his friends working, laughing, joking, and talking. Being free. Being all the things I wish I could be.
All I want, though, right in this very moment, is for one word from Ryder. But I get nothing. He helps me sit on the couch in the den where the window is no longer boarded up, and he walks away.
He acts as though I didn’t just expose myself to him.
He leaves me.
They always leave me.
Chapter 8
Ryder
Codie dropped a bomb on me. One I wasn’t prepared to intercept. In some ways, I think she did it for the shock value. But I also think it is just her. Being as blunt as can be. She’s been like that from the start in an effort to push me away.
She had a son.
One she believes she killed.
I knew as soon as I opened the shower curtain that she’d had a baby. The stretch marks were a giveaway. I wasn’t going to ask her about it, and I hadn’t expected her to tell me about him.
Now, it’s out there. She can’t take it back, and I can’t unhear it.
After leaving Codie in the living room, I went straight to work. I wasn’t sure how to respond. If she needed sympathy or someone to vent to, I have no idea. This is as much unchartered territory for me as it is for her.
We’re both so fucking broken, I wonder if we’ll be worse off together than apart. Then I imagine not seeing her again, talking to her, coaxing a l
augh or smile from her. Fuck, I’d kill to see her smile. Just once.
“Hey, man, what the hell is going on in that head of yours?” Foster asks, putting his tools down on the top of the ladder as we install cameras on the outside of Codie’s house. I knew it was coming. I’ve been working silently all day, and with the sun beginning to set and Theo finishing the windows on the back porch, I knew questions would be asked.
“Is it worth it?” I ask him. He’d been married once upon a time. The woman turned out to be a complete bitch, but he was happy while he had her.
He meets my stare. Blows out a deep breath. “With the right woman, one who can be supportive and not worry you while you’re gone, yeah, it’s worth every damn minute.”
“Codie will worry you. Every second of every fucking day.” Theo interrupts, obviously hearing us.
“What are you saying?” I ask him directly. These men are my friends, my family, and I know they’ll be honest, brutally so if need be, but I also know they’ll support any decision I make.
“I’m saying, I don’t want to go back to Syria, bro.” And just like that, I have my answer from Theo and then Foster, as he nods when I look at him, too.
“Me either,” I tell them honestly, and they both look relieved. “But I’m not willing to lose out on what could be everything to my life because of fear. I spent a long time in hell, and I see just a tiny piece of heaven when I’m with her.”
“Then why have you been avoiding her all day?” Foster’s question follows me into the rest of the evening. I have been, and that’s my biggest mistake. I told her she could lean on me, that I would be here, and I’ve already failed on that promise.
As we put the finishing touches on the windows, make sure the cameras are up and running properly, and double check that Codie’s house is secure, I walk the guys to the door after they say goodnight to Codie and close and lock the door behind them.
“One, two, three.” Codie counts as each lock slides home. I smile at her voice. Some would find it annoying, I think it’s amusing. It’s part of her charm.
I saunter back into the den and lean against the wall and watch her as she sits on the couch in front of the window. Her fort was dismantled this afternoon, and the window was installed with only a minor panic attack that sent her running up to her spare room.
“You watch me from there, don’t you?” She doesn’t answer me, but I see her slight nod in the moonlight. Walking towards her, I grasp one of her hands in mine and place it against my chest so she can feel my heart beat.
“One, two, three,” she murmurs. I pull her to her feet.
Placing my hand over her heart, I count, “One, two, three.”
Cupping her jaw in my hand, I slowly lower my head. A breath away from her lips, I pause, so she has time to pull back. When she doesn’t, I close the distance, and her soft lips accept mine in earnest.
Sucking the lower lip in my mouth, I moan as her taste explodes on my tongue. Cherries, delicious sweet cherries. Ripe for the picking, and I want more.
Wrapping my other hand around her waist, I pull her farther into me. Feeling her small frame curve perfectly into mine, makes my dick throb, and anticipation run through my veins. I want this woman with a ferocious need I can’t express.
“Ryder,” she whispers into my mouth.
“Codie,” I murmur back.
“You didn’t say anything.” I open my eyes to look at her, and even though I see a touch of need reflected back at me, I recognize her worries and fears, too.
“Because, I don’t believe you did any such thing. You couldn’t. The way you feel so deeply, with everything you are, there’s no way you harmed your son.” I never thought it for a second.
“But I failed. Miserably. And he’s dead because of it.” She sobs into my chest. Painful, steal your breath, suck your soul from your body, sobs, and I have to wonder just how long she’s been holding this in for.
“No, dove, you didn’t fail him.” I’ll recite those words to my dying day.
“I should have noticed sooner. I should have known something was wrong when I didn’t feel him move throughout the night.”
I’m piecing more of this puzzle together now. “Tell me his name?” I pose it as a question. I want her to think of him happily, to be able to remember without breaking down.
She pauses before answering me. “Lucas. His name was Lucas Ray.”
“Strong name,” I respond, holding her hand to my chest and pressing my forehead to hers. “Come on, it’s been a long day. We both need sleep.” When she tries to pull away and her body turns back to the couch, I tug her back towards the stairs. I won’t force her, but I’m not going to allow her to get stuck in old habits.
Codie
* * *
I follow Ryder up the stairs and try not to run. Going back into my room is agonizing. It’s where everything changed, where I was set back what feels like a decade in my emotional state. I hate experiencing so much terror and its control over me.
Trusting Ryder to take care of me is too easy. Giving him the reins and following along is a temporary solution to a very permanent problem. But for now, if he wants it, I’m willing to give it to him. My mind needs a break. My nerves need the rest.
He stops at the door to my room and waits for me to take the lead. Knowing without me saying a word that I need this small piece of control. The decision to enter a room that once brought me joy but now leaves me agony has to be mine.
With a fortifying breath, I force my feet forwards. My hands are balled into tight fists at my sides, and with each breath, I take a small step, and soon, I’m standing beside my bed. Exactly as I’d left it nearly a week ago.
“How did this become my life?” I murmur, momentarily forgetting Ryder is with me.
“Because hiding from our pain is easier than facing it head-on,” he replies, coming up behind me and leaning his head on mine.
I see his shadow in the moonlit room as he removes his shirt behind me, then his pants. “You’re staying?” I ask breathlessly as he spins me to face him.
My hands land on his chest as he answers, “I am,” while his hands work my pants over my hips and slide to the ground. “In.” He nods towards the bed, and I do as he says.
I’m barely on the mattress when he’s climbing in behind me, grabbing me around the waist and contorting our bodies to his liking. His chest lays half on my back as our legs tangle, and one of his arms acts as a pillow for my head while the other wraps completely across my hips and holds me tight to his body.
I’m tense at first, unsure of how to do this. How to be held in a man’s arms. But Ryder makes it surprisingly easy as I begin to count his breaths, and soon, I find myself drifting off to sleep. Utterly safe in the knowledge that he’ll protect me. He’s my shield of armor.
I’m not sure how it happens, or when, or why, but I’m startled awake, entirely alone in a bed that was occupied by two. Scared to move, barely breathing, I open my eyes, and I’m hit with a sense of déjà vu as I search my room for any signs of disturbance. Only this time, I don’t have my phone to call for help. I don’t have a clear line out the door and down the stairs, and I have no idea where Ryder is.
“Ryder?” I whisper, barely above a breath. Slowly turning in the bed, I scan the room as I move and watch out the door until I notice nothing amiss.
Hearing footsteps on the stairs, my heart thunders in my chest, and I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, waiting for whatever’s about to happen.
A dip in the bed startles me, and I jump a clear foot in the air. I’d have fallen right off the other side if not for strong hands gripping me and pulling me forward.
“Hey, dove.” Ryder’s voice penetrates my foggy mind. “You’re okay.” His hands rub up and down my body in an effort to calm my frazzled nerves.
“I hate this,” I cry softly, turning into his chest. The warmth of his body seeps into me, and my shivering begins to slow as he rocks us softly back and forth. “I’m sick and tired of bei
ng so detached I can barely function.”
“We’ll get you there.” He rubs soothing circles up and down my spine.
“You say that like you’re in it for the long haul.” I try to laugh it off, but I’d like nothing more than to have someone else to share my anxieties with.
“And if I am?” My breath hitches at his words, and I gaze up at him. “What if I want to be in this for the long haul?”
I watch as his lips move, but I can barely register the words. “Why would you want to subject yourself to this life? To my life?”
He frowns at me. Saying nothing at first, Ryder guides us down onto the bed, so I’m on my back, and he’s lying over top of me. I can feel his hips settle in between my thighs and flashes of skin on skin twirl through my mind as I imagine what it would be like to be intimate with him.
After the explosive kiss we shared earlier, I know it’s not out of the realm of possibilities, but it also makes me want to run for the hills.
“Because I’m not an easy man to deal with, either. I’m just as messed up as you, but I have control over myself. You, dove, are a work in progress.”
“But why?” I still can’t comprehend the reason he would want to be with me.
“Because you make me feel alive, Codie. My heart beats stronger when I’m with you. My mind settles when I can hold you. I know what I’m getting into, and I’m more than willing to take the risk. The question is…” He pauses, and I hold my breath again. “Are you?”
Chapter 9
Codie
The pre-dawn light crests in the sky as I sit at my kitchen table and watch out the back window. A window that is now a shade darker and makes it impossible for anyone to see inside of my home.
I don’t feel the same seizing of muscles when I catch a glimpse of my neighbor letting her dog out in the morning. I don’t worry she’ll see me and start judging me because I never leave the house.