by KL Donn
“An isolated life on the team or the love of a woman?” I say it out loud so my teammates can hear what the ultimatum truly sounds like. “Easy enough for me,” I say as I head for the bank of elevators.
“Whoa, wait a fucking minute here!” Theo yells, halting mine and Nix’s progress. “Nix, man, you can’t mean that.” His own voice is filled with disbelief. I know Theo wants a family of his own one day so this won’t sit well with him, either. “I mean tempers are flaring, but how can you think the love of a good woman will slow any of us down?”
My back remains facing my best friends as I see Nix turn to face the room. “A good woman?” he asks. “That’s a woman that won’t have you worrying when you’re in the middle of a dangerous mission. That’s a woman who won’t have you losing your head.” He looks pointedly towards me. “A good woman won’t have you running in circles because she’s fucked up.”
I blink slowly as I process what he’s not saying aloud.
Anger fuels me, and I lash out by spilling Codie’s secrets. “Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know the hell she’s gone through?” Nix frowns at my question. “She gave birth to her stillborn fucking son! At seventeen, she went through the worst loss of her life, and you know what? She had fucking no one but a social worker who took pity on her. The father tossed some bills at her to get an abortion. Her own fucking parents kicked out their pregnant teenage daughter because she chose life over fucking death.” I’m so livid all I can see is a red haze in my vision. “She’s stronger than any man in this fucking room.” Hitting the down button on the elevator panel, I stare Nix in the eye. “Including me.”
I respect these men with my dying fucking breath, but not a single one of them has ever been a prisoner of war. None of them have experienced what I did in those caves. They don’t know what it’s like to be tortured by men who have nothing to lose.
The ding announces my ride’s arrival, and I step on as Nix calls out, “Ryder, wait!” I ignore him. I’ve said what I need to. Now, I need to cool off. I need to find my center again.
Being here when I’m so worked up and pissed off will do no good for any of us in the long run. I know that of all the men in this building, I’m the liability because of my demons. I have to think long and hard about my position on this team if I’m going to be a functioning member of it for the foreseeable future.
Codie
* * *
Inhale. Exhale. Step.
Step. Inhale. Exhale. Step.
I’m breathing my way through walking out my back door.
Inhale. Exhale. Step.
It’s not easy.
Step. Inhale. Exhale. Step.
“One, two, three.” My toes touch the cool wood of my back deck, and I shiver at the new sensation. It’s been so long since I’ve stepped foot outside. My heel drops, and the smooth surface doesn’t feel as frightening as I expected. It actually feels kind of nice.
With one foot in the house and one out, I’m in limbo. I want to go farther and take another step, but I can feel the anxiety rising, and I close my eyes. I block out the sun, the trees, the soft-looking grass I want to lay on.
I don’t do anything except breath.
Slowly.
Deeply.
“One, two, three.” I move my foot that’s inside onto the doorjamb, the metal and rubber from the insulation digging into my arch. I focus on that pain, I focus on the desire to relieve it, and the only way to do so is to step forward.
One.
I inhale.
Two.
I exhale.
Three.
I lift my foot and freeze just as I would have stepped fully onto the deck.
This is the moment. This is my do or die. Right here, right now, I can change everything. I can fail.
Or I can succeed.
An image of a smiling Ryder pops into my head, and I know I want to do it. If not for me, then for him. He deserves all my strength. To take this first step for us.
Gripping the doorframe tightly, I take a deep breath and lower my leg. With both feet now firmly planted on the deck, I continue to concentrate on my breathing and not the fact that I’m outside. I beat my anxiety down with a hammer and order my body to comply for as long as I can.
I’m not sure how long it’s been, could be minutes or hours, but the feel of the sunshine on my face, the warmth that consumes me, makes my breathing come a little easier. I can see a light at the end of this treacherous tunnel, and before I know it, I’m entirely outside.
My hands aren’t holding the door, my body is screaming to turn and run back inside. I can feel…life around me. I experience a small amount of freedom at being out here.
“I’m outside,” I whisper with awe. “I’m actually outside.”
As I open my eyes, I gaze around my yard. Everything appears clearer. I’m not looking through windows anymore.
I’m here.
I’m in it.
This is me.
Living. Outside. Of my home.
“Codie!” I hear Ryder call from the front of the house, and I’m so excited that I can’t even answer. I know the exact moment he spots me, though. The air behind me changes. It crackles with electricity as he moves closer. “Codie?” His hands glide across my shoulder, down my arms, and land on my hips where he squeezes gently.
“Ryder,” I sigh. “I did it. I’m outside.” Barely a step and only on the deck, but I’m doing it.
“You are.” The heat of his chest against my back relaxes me further as we stand together. “We need to talk,” he mumbles in my ear, and I can hear the stress in his tone.
I can already feel my anxiety worming it's way back into my body, so I step back inside and slowly close the door, already missing the fresh air.
Turning around, I notice Ryder sitting at my small table with his head in his hands, and I can see how tense he is. All my doubts start creeping back in. My fears about not being good enough surface and begin to suffocate me.
Sitting across from him, I cross my ankles and steeple my hands on the table while I battle my insecurities internally and wait for whatever it is he has to say to me.
“I got into a fight with Nix today.” Nix. The same man who came to see me. The one who wants me to push Ryder away.
“I see.” I begin to pick a napkin apart nervously.
“I know he came to see you.”
“And that angers you?”
“Yes.” He stares at me. “He didn’t have the right to interfere.”
“Okay.” I’m out of my depths with this conversation.
“I’m not in a good headspace right now, Codie.” My heart clenches. “I’m going to go visit my parents and sister in Colorado in the morning.” He looks at me expectantly. “I want you to come with me.”
I wait for him to say something else after dropping that bombshell, but nothing is forthcoming. I have no idea how to respond. I gaze back at the door I was standing just centimeters outside of minutes ago and wonder how he expects me to travel to another state when I could barely step onto my back deck.
“I can’t do that.” The warmth in his eyes clouds over, and I know that’s not the answer he’s looking for. He wants me to say yes.
“I understand.” Ryder stands, and panic consumes me at the idea that this is it for us. Maybe Nix was right after all? Maybe I am too damaged for a man like Ryder.
Damn him and his negative comments.
“When will you be back?” I follow after him like a puppy as he opens the front door, preparing to step out without saying goodbye.
He looks at me with sadness in his dark orbs, and I frown. “A couple of days.” He returns my expression this time. “I’ll see you soon.” With that, he’s gone, and I feel like my heart has just been ripped from my chest.
What just happened?
Chapter 12
Ryder
I was up long before the sun to catch my flight home to Loveland, Colorado. With lead in my stomach, I pulled out of Charleston. I d
idn’t want to leave Codie. I wanted her to say she would come with me. Even if we both knew she wouldn’t have been able to.
I understand that she believes she’s blocked herself off from the world, but I think she’s blocked herself off from…herself. Codie is so terrified of feeling pain, she’s shut herself off from experiencing any type of positive emotion the world might offer.
Even after drowning in the depths of hell myself, I’m not nearly as closed down as she is, and after my blowout with Nix, I feel a void.
I’m not ready to give up on Codie, not by a long shot, but I need perspective. I need to discover what my happiness is again, and I think my family will help me with that.
I left Theo and Weston at my place to watch over Codie in case something happens at her house again, or she needs something. I’m not entirely sure how long I’ll be here for, but I feel better knowing the guys are watching her back.
After finding where her ex resides, I also learned that he’s out of the country, and therefore, untouchable until he gets back. I snooped around on his parents a little bit, too, and they seem to have no reason to torment Codie. The mother is dead, and the father works and goes home as far as I can tell.
“Ryder!” Lifting my head up, I’m surprised to see Hayes standing there with Levi, her large belly leading the way. Dad was supposed to pick me up.
“Damn, girl.” I grin at my sister. Even pissed at me, she’s happy I came home. I’ve been working my ass off to gain her forgiveness, and in the past couple of months, with her hormones dominating her mind, I think we’re getting there.
“Shut up.” She points and glares at me while Levi holds back his laughter and shakes his head.
“What?” I shrug. “I was just going to say you look great.” She’s as big as a house and ready to pop any day, I’m sure. Or she’s carrying triplets.
Hayes pulls me in for a hug, and as I hold the girl in my arms, I feel relief from the influx of emotions that have kept me locked down for hours. “Fuck, you look good, kid.”
Stepping back, her arms fall to her sides as she says, “You look tired, Ryder. What’s going on?” My sister knows me better than anyone else, and she would realize that an unscheduled visit like this is definitely out of character.
“Nothing for you to worry about, kid.” I wrap an arm around her shoulder and guide her away from the terminals and over to the parkade.
“You know that won’t work,” Levi murmurs, so she doesn’t hear as she walks ahead of us.
“No. It won’t,” I sigh.
“We’re here if you need us, man.” Levi claps my back before catching up with Hayes. I watch as he slips his arms around her waist and kisses along her neck. Hayes nearly falls, and Levi doesn’t miss a beat, catching her in his arms and spinning her around to kiss her on the lips. The moment is so tender and intimate that I have to look away.
Envy burns through me because that’s what I want with Codie, and I’m afraid she won’t allow herself that kind of happiness.
Even after stepping outside yesterday, which I was so fucking proud of her for, I was too lost in my own thoughts that I hadn’t taken the time to celebrate what an achievement that was for her. I know I’m going to have some making up to do when I get back home.
Being a broken piece in a relationship with two fragmented people is one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to overcome. I know she’s worth it, though. The fight, the pain, everything we’re about to go through is going to be worth more than its weight in gold. I know it will.
“Mom and Dad are excited to see you.” Hayes smiles up at me as Levi helps her in the front seat of their now very sensible SUV.
“What happened to the Charger?” I look at Levi, and he winces.
“Not with Hayes, man. Too dangerous,” he responds.
“Oh, bite me. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact he’s overprotective of this baby of ours.” She glares at her man, and I have to laugh.
“Can’t say I blame him.” If I ever get the chance, I’ll be the exact same way.
“We’re going to drop you off at your parents, and then Hayes has an OB appointment. We’ll be back for dinner, tonight.” The hour’s drive to my folks is quiet even though Hayes asks me a million questions about what’s been happening.
After everything that’s transpired, my family still doesn’t know exactly what it is that I do. They know I’m on a special forces team, but they don’t know about the dangerous missions. They don’t know that on any task I could be arrested, and the US government would abandon my squad and me. I hate having to keep secrets from them, but it’s part of my contract.
The president may be in charge of us, give the orders, but if we’re ever caught, he’ll deny our existence. I’d always been okay with that. Until I was captured. Until I acknowledged that I was a lost soldier.
I didn’t doubt that my team would come looking for me. Even after they found a burned body in a cave with my tags, I knew they wouldn’t stop until they knew the truth. After a year of waiting, when they did rescue me, it was my choice to leave my family in the dark for so much longer. I hadn’t wanted to come home less than whole.
Whatever that means.
“Here you go.” Hayes smiles back at me. “I’m glad you’re home, Ryder.”
I lean forward and place a kiss on her forehead. “Me too, kid. Me too.” Stepping out of the car, I stand on the sidewalk for a few minutes before walking up to the house in search of some semblance of peace.
“Ryder!” I’m not even halfway up the walkway and Mom comes running out of the house. “Oh honey, I’m so glad you’re here!”
Catching her in my arms, I drop my bag and lift her up for a big hug. “Hi, Ma.”
“Son,” Dad greets from the door. “You look tired.” Could he be more like Hayes?
“I am,” I reply honestly. I won’t worry my sister, but this is why I came home. I need clarity from people who understand me better than most. I carry demons that have to be conquered before I can go back to the team.
“Come in, come in.” Mom ushers me inside after she grabs my bag. “Your room is all ready for you. Dad has some coffee in the kitchen with those muffins you like. I’ll be right down.”
Even when my family thought I was dead, they didn’t really lose hope. After I came back, I discovered that they had a room set up for me. Like I’d gone on vacation and not been killed in action.
My parents are the most faithful kind of believers, and right now, they’re exactly what I find myself needing.
“Well, what brings you home?” Dad and I have always been close. He can read me like a book. It’s no surprise he knows there’s something going on.
“A girl.” He grins, and I can’t help my own smile. “She’s even more screwed up than me.” I don’t like talking about my time in captivity any more than they like hearing about it, but it’s part of who I am.
“Tell me about her.” He hands me a black coffee, and I stare into the circling dark liquid. The shade matches my mood.
Codie
* * *
Mornings are meant to be the dawn of a new day. They should signify a fresh start. Mine is anything but. I haven’t slept since Ryder left. I stayed up analyzing everything he said to me.
All that Nix accused me of.
I stayed up all night going through the pros and cons of a relationship with Ryder, disregarding his commander’s feelings towards us.
There are plenty of pros. More than I could have thought possible.
And only one con.
Me.
I’m the flaw in our relationship.
The broken piece.
I’m where our love will come to die.
After staring all through the night at the piece of paper with the single word on it, I’ve come to a conclusion. I want this with Ryder. I’ve gone through so many scenarios in my head about how my life would be without him in it, and all I see is darkness.
Ryder signifies hope.
My hope.
He’s my chance at starting anew. He’s my new beginning.
With a renewed sense of determination, I search through the footage from the cameras recording around the outside of my house and find that whoever has been trying to scare me hasn’t been around for a couple of days. With that in mind, I’m determined to make today the first day of the rest of my life.
With slow steps, I plan to become more open to the outside world. My first mission is finding out how the sensors on the screens of the windows work.
Ryder gave me Theo’s number, and I get the feeling that if anyone on their team is going to help me, it’ll be him. So, I send a short message.
Me: It’s Codie. The sensors on the screens, what do they do?
I’m not familiar with how alarm systems work and most especially not this high tech of one. It doesn’t take him long to send a message back.
Theo: I’ll be right over.
That’s not quite what I anticipated, but I’ll take it. Wanting to make the first move as this new, determined me, I walk to the front door and undo the locks. I open it just as Theo is about to knock.
“Shit. Sorry.” He laughs as his fist comes inches from my nose.
“It’s okay. Would you like coffee?” I should be friendly with Ryder’s friends, right? I’ve never done this before. Maybe I should look up online how to be a proper partner.
“I’m good. I was on my way to the gym.” He nods. “What do you want to know about the screens?” His attitude towards me feels cold, and I suddenly regret asking for his help.
“Umm, if one of them pops out, will an alarm go off or something?” My hands won’t stop fidgeting under his scrutinizing stare.
Theo stares around the room before finally answering me. “The alarm won’t blare, but the panel”—he points to it on the wall behind the door—“will beep consistently until you turn it off. Same with your phone, and mine, until it’s shut off.” I catch how he doesn’t say Ryder’s name, and my heart squeezes tightly. “However, if it’s not deactivated in a certain amount of time, then an alert will go to the police department.”