Trying Not To Love You

by Amabile Giusti

  ‘I do, yeah.’

  ‘Oh, right. Well then, bring him along too.’

  ‘I told you, I don’t know if I can come, because of work.’

  ‘Of course!’ Rebecca exclaimed, as if she finally understood the mystery. But Penny could read it loud and clear on her face. She doesn’t believe me and thinks I just don’t want to go to the party and admit I’m all on my own, a total loser with a lousy job and one single dress that’s not exactly the hottest thing on the catwalk.

  Which, unfortunately, just happened to be the truth.

  And then, since she didn’t want to let Rebecca win here, Penny found herself declaring, against her better judgement, ‘We’ll do our best to make it on the night, and then I can introduce you to my guy. He’s called Marcus.’

  Pretending with Rebecca had been easy, but it would be way less easy to convince Marcus to help her. Returning home from the library, Penny hatched a plan.

  Shutting herself away in her room, she began to rummage around in her jewellery box. This luxurious-sounding item was actually just a cardboard box decorated with pictures of puppies she’d cut out from a sheet of wrapping paper. And it was almost blasphemous to describe the contents as ‘jewellery’ – mainly it consisted of bracelets with plastic beads from when she was a kid, earrings that were silver-plated set with the odd chip of cubic zirconia, a Fimo ring in the shape of a birthday cake, and a belt buckle garnished with rhinestones. Among all that jumble, however, was a pendant precious enough to be kept in a tulle bag.

  Penny held it up and admired it against the light. It was a heart made of white gold, set with diamonds – hers and hers alone, a gift long ago from her parents, who had otherwise left her nothing besides a fear of the dark.

  She considered her plan. Did it really make sense to risk losing the one and only object that still bound her to her lost family, all to one-up Rebecca? It would be so much more sensible just to ignore her, to let Rebecca fester in her own evil cesspit of spite and maliciousness and hope never to bump into her again.

  That would be more dignified, yes, but Penny’s memories of high school were still far too raw, while she could barely recall her parents. In some ways she had managed to move on since graduation, growing in courage and spirit, but she could not yet put behind her the daily bullying that witch had subjected her to, creating such a powerful atmosphere of scorn and mockery around her, which no one had ever challenged by daring to get to know her. Including the very same Igor who was now laughing at Rebecca behind her back. Six years earlier, he’d hung on to Rebecca’s every last word.

  Rebecca and Igor’s feigned indifference to Penny’s announcement that she had a boyfriend was obvious. They weren’t all that subtle, and if Penny didn’t show them something tangible, they would continue to regard her as a loser – and that, Penny was not prepared to tolerate.

  So she did what she thought was right, or at any rate necessary, and that very same day she went to the pawn shop to trade in her pendant. It was worth far less than she’d hoped – a measly two hundred and fifty dollars. Mentally begging her parents for forgiveness, she promised herself she would come back for it.

  After work that night, she went to meet Marcus at the Maraja, rather than their usual spot in front of Well Purple. She paced around for a while outside the entrance, but he didn’t appear. Finally, Penny plucked up her courage to talk to the other bouncer there, a guy who was fat rather than imposing. The man looked her up and down and then laughed.

  ‘Marcus always gets the ladies. Since he’s started here there’s been a regular parade of pussy slamming itself under his nose.’

  Penny wondered if the man was calling her a pussy, but preferred not to investigate. ‘Can you tell me where he is? Did he leave yet?’

  ‘Well, no. He’s out back smoking a cigarette.’

  ‘I want to ask him something important . . .’

  ‘Oh, I get it – you’re another one who’s got it bad. Go on back then.’

  Penny nodded and slipped into the narrow side alley, made even more cramped by the fire escapes climbing the walls of the neighbouring building like metal snakes. A strong smell of garbage emanated from a couple of open bins lined up against the wall. She held her breath as she went past, and rounded the corner to the back of the building.

  And that’s when she saw something she would really rather not have witnessed.

  Marcus was leaning against the wall, his shirt raised over his abdomen and his pants pulled down to his muscular thighs. He was gripping a woman who was nearly naked by the buttocks, holding her in the air against him. They sure weren’t smoking any cigarettes. They were having sex.

  Neither of them noticed the spectator. They were moving in a furious rhythm, faster and faster, and Penny could hear the obscene thud every time their bodies slammed together. The girl, a blonde with long hair and a butt as tight and round as a drum, moaned without restraint. Marcus himself made no sound, other than a low growl now and then.

  Penny stood frozen to the spot as they climaxed, their cries of satisfaction seeming like primal screams. Finally, Marcus slipped out of her, pulling off the slimy condom. The girl tried to tease him to extend the encounter, giggling, ‘Wow, you’re an animal!’ but Marcus said nothing, just threw the condom to the ground.

  Still unable to move a muscle, Penny was shocked but powerless to leave. There was a lump in her throat, and she could barely breathe. She wanted to turn and run, she wanted to wipe Marcus from her thoughts, she wanted to tell him exactly what she thought about him and his extraordinary love for Francisca, but all she could do was stand there, trembling and shaking, hating him to the very depths of her being, telling herself that if sex was that sordid and sweaty, there was no way she would ever let anyone do it to her.

  The blonde was pulling on her panties as Marcus turned his gaze away in seeming disdain, catching sight of Penny at that precise moment, so that she at least had the satisfaction of seeing him flinch as if he were ashamed. Or maybe it wasn’t shame, but just the rage of an asshole who wants to be able to fuck some slut in peace without getting dirty looks from someone else.

  Because she gave him a very, very dirty look indeed, before backing away and following the alley round to the front of the building.

  The fat bouncer laughed when he saw her. ‘Some cigarette they were smoking, huh?’

  Penny ignored him and walked off down the sidewalk in the direction of her apartment. That evening she was going to head home alone – she didn’t need a babysitter. She was so mad that if Grant had had the misfortune to materialise at her side right there, she would have ripped him to shreds before he could even say ‘ouch’.

  It wasn’t clear to her quite why she was so furious and disgusted and disappointed and desperate and even a little dead inside, all at the same time. She knew all too well that Marcus did that kind of thing – and with Francisca’s blessing, even – but that was simply how she felt. The image was forever seared into her brain.

  After several minutes, she realised how fast she’d been walking. She was almost home, exhausted and a little nauseous and crying her eyes out. Stupid useless tears. She wiped them as best she could on her sleeve. Stupid whining idiot.

  She climbed the stairs and took refuge in her apartment, where there was no trace of Marcus. Perfect. The less I see of him the better. She performed her usual night-time routines and went to bed.

  That’s when her heart leaped into her throat and she nearly died of a heart attack.

  There was someone on the fire escape. An imposing silhouette blocking out the moonlight. She sat bolt upright in bed thinking it was Grant at her window. But it was Marcus.

  He stared at her through the glass, gesturing for her to let him in. His expression seemed to be saying, Open up or I’ll break in anyway. She shook her head and made a gesture as if to say, Get lost, you prick! Then Marcus slipped two fingers along the frame, fiddled for a few moments, and raised the sash.

  Penny’s mouth fell open in sh
ock.

  ‘Hope Grant is less good at forcing the locks than I am,’ he said, stepping over the windowsill and boldly entering her room.

  ‘Get out of here! I’d rather sleep without throwing up on my pillow,’ Penny said, covering herself with her sheets. As if she needed to – any right-minded nun would have coveted her sensible pyjamas.

  Penny’s room suddenly felt tiny in relation to Marcus’s bulk.

  ‘Say, what’s wrong, little lady? You shocked at what you saw? You’re really not getting much, are you?’

  I’ve never done it in my life.

  ‘I get plenty,’ she lied, ‘but not with strangers and not like that. You were nearly in the garbage!’

  ‘When you’re in the mood, it doesn’t matter where you do it, especially with someone you’ve only just met. At least they don’t expect anything – they just let themselves go.’

  ‘So do you always do it in an alley, not like – you know – in bed?’

  ‘In bed I run the risk that people wanna sleep over. That doesn’t happen down an alley.’

  ‘You have it all figured out, don’t you?’

  ‘Pretty much. So what were you doing back there anyway? Were you spying on me? Did you like what you saw?’

  ‘I didn’t see a thing!’

  Marcus shot her a sardonic look. ‘You saw it all, baby. I could tell by the way you looked at me.’

  ‘I was paralysed with shock, more than anything else. You know how you freeze if you see something horrible?’

  ‘You’re a lying bitch, but no matter – you sure can run fast. By the time I got out front you were gone. Didn’t we have a deal? Why’d you come tonight anyway? Did Grant visit you again?’

  ‘No, I wanted . . . I wanted to ask you something – something that would have given you the chance to earn more money. But I’ve reconsidered and decided it doesn’t matter, so you can go now.’

  ‘Oh no, you need to tell me now. Any money involved and I become very curious indeed.’

  Penny looked down at the sheets. Marcus sat on the end of the bed and started to light a cigarette.

  She stopped him. ‘No, not inside. Grandma doesn’t like it.’

  He went to the window and straddled the sill. He lit his cigarette anyway, but at least blew the smoke outside. Penny thought about whether or not to tell him about her plan, and then the memory of Rebecca made her give in. She told him everything in a whisper.

  Marcus burst out laughing. ‘You want me to pretend to be your boyfriend? You reckon I look like someone who’s a boyfriend?’

  ‘You look like a savage and sexy bastard, and that’s good enough for me. If I can’t upset them because I’m richer or more beautiful, then I’ll make them burn with envy over the kind of man everyone wants to screw.’ She realised she’d been a little too frank.

  Marcus shot her a roguish smile. ‘Should I take that as a compliment?’

  ‘If you think it’s a compliment for your dick to be bigger than your brain, then fair enough. Now go away and leave me alone.’

  ‘So you don’t want to fool your friends anymore?’

  ‘They’re not my friends, they’re assholes.’

  ‘And how much were you willing to pay me?’

  ‘Two hundred and fifty dollars.’

  ‘For one night?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘That’d be great. Where did you get the cash?’

  ‘That’s my business.’

  ‘I wanna know. If it’s stolen, I could end up back inside for money laundering.’

  ‘I earned it fair and square. I provided a bonus service to some rich guy who likes honest women, and he handed me an astronomical tip.’

  Marcus froze, his cigarette suspended between his lips. ‘Bullshit,’ he murmured.

  ‘You can get dirty at work, but I can’t?’

  ‘Enough now.’

  ‘Why? You make me mad or try to embarrass me every step of the way – but you can’t take it when I do the same thing to you?’

  ‘You’re so bad at this game. Don’t go around saying shit like that, OK? I’m nice, but you say stuff like this to another guy and he might break you in half.’

  ‘And you wouldn’t dream of it?’

  ‘Of course I dream of it, but I can control myself. So what now?’

  ‘What now? Nothing!’

  ‘I was referring to those assholes.’

  ‘Oh, them. I don’t know.’

  ‘How do we play it at this party?’

  ‘Nothing special. You just have to pretend to worship the ground I walk on.’

  Marcus blew out a cloud of smoke and shook his head. ‘I couldn’t fake that even if I took an acting class.’

  ‘So could you at least pretend to be crazy about me?’

  ‘Hmm . . . You have a plan C?’

  ‘You’re going to need to work for this money! If you don’t think you can do the job, there’s no deal here.’

  ‘Let’s see . . . I could pretend to find you painfully provocative. I could pretend that when I look at your mouth I want to kiss it till it bleeds, that I dream of fucking you for hours every night, and that I like everything about you, even that ridiculous hair and the way you insist on getting under my skin. Would that work?’

  Penny had to swallow before she could speak. Her throat was dry, and she felt flushed and slightly dizzy, like after a long massage.

  ‘Um, yeah. I guess that would work. I don’t know if it’ll be convincing enough though. I’ll withhold payment until after, when we’re sure it worked.’

  ‘I reckon you can trust me that it will.’

  ‘Either way, you have to go now.’

  ‘Tomorrow I’ll put a better lock on this window for you. The one you have is weak as anything. It’s not safe. When I go out, fasten it good and tight.’

  ‘Are you worried about me?’

  ‘Sure! I need this job.’

  ‘OK, that explains it.’

  Marcus jumped out on to the fire escape and gave her an ironic farewell salute. Penny raised her middle finger in return, in the same way that he so often did to her. He laughed and disappeared from view.

  After fastening the window against any further nocturnal intruders, Penny was alone again, taking refuge under the covers.

  The next day at noon, Marcus was there as promised with some tools to fix the window lock. When she opened the door, Penny thought privately that she really needed to stop right now with this business of feeling giddy every time she caught sight of him.

  But Barbie was more obvious than Penny – who just feigned irritation – in letting on how overjoyed she was to see him. ‘Oh, how wonderful to have this nice boy come into our home! How kind you are! Penny, you have to pay him back somehow.’

  Penny instantly blushed, thinking of the scene behind the Maraja. Marcus, as if he’d read her mind, gave her a smarmy smile.

  ‘Just fix the window and get out, will you?’ she ordered him, leading him to her room.

  Marcus fiddled with the frame while Penny watched from the doorway. Today he was wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt, sinfully tight, that highlighted every muscle in his shoulders and his huge, tattooed arms. Penny bit her lip and stared at the floor, hating herself for being so totally under his spell.

  At one point, Marcus stopped, pulled something from his back pocket and handed it to her. ‘It’s a letter to Francisca. Write the address on it and send it off.’

  ‘You mean please?’

  ‘I’m already doing you a favour by fixing your window.’

  ‘Well, you broke it! And, in any case, I pay you very well.’

  ‘I’m paid to escort you from your place of work to this apartment, and I’ll also be paid to pretend that I want no one but you, but I am not paid to be a carpenter.’

  ‘You’re vulgar and corrupt.’

  ‘Ah yes, my two main strengths. My two fundamental values are sex and money, as you well know.’

  ‘Plus you’re sleazy. Only a total sleazeball could do
what you did and then write to his girlfriend the same night.’

  ‘That’s a lot of action for one night, sure, but spare me the sermons about Francisca, OK? That’s how we operate, and someone like you is just never gonna get it.’

  Penny fell silent; whenever she talked to him about Francisca, Marcus dropped his normal jerkish cheerfulness and became a plain old jerk.

  ‘Anyway,’ he went on, ‘if I have to pretend to be your boyfriend, I guess I need to know a few things about you, just to have some shit to say. What were you like when you were younger? Though I can probably imagine for myself . . .’

  ‘That’s not true.’

  ‘Let me guess. You were lonely, and introverted but not timid, just disgusted by everyone around you. Even though they all thought you were stupid and submissive, you were intelligent and full of rage. You wanted to grab the jerks by the hair and stick their heads down the toilet, at the very least. And you liked some guy who never liked you back. Am I wrong?’

  Penny looked at him, wide-eyed and mouth agape .

  Marcus frowned and returned to his work.

  She asked him, ‘How . . . did you . . . know?’

  Without taking his eyes off what he was doing, Marcus muttered, ‘You’re pretty predictable.’

  Just at that moment, Barbie entered the room. ‘Will you have lunch with us?’ she asked Marcus chirpily.

  Penny and Marcus simultaneously gave two different answers.

  ‘No,’ she said, just as he was saying, ‘Sure.’

  Barbie bounded back to the kitchen like a happy child.

  ‘Just what do you think you’re doing?’ asked Penny furiously.

  ‘Eating.’

  ‘Go eat at your own house.’

  ‘I have an empty fridge and I’m hungry. When I’m hungry I can’t think, you know that. Plus, you have to pay me back for the work I’m doing. After lunch I’ll fix your grandma’s window too, and that shitty chain on your front door. So either you give me twenty dollars or you offer me lunch.’

  ‘I know why you’re doing this. It’s so you can criticise my cooking later.’

  ‘Your cooking?’

  ‘Absolutely. If my grandma made lunch, there’d be sugar in our mac and cheese.’