Annihilate Him, Volume 3

by Christina Ross

  “You’re talking in tongues again, Alexa,” Daniella said. “Nobody understands what you’re saying.”

  “Maybe you don’t, and we both know why. While you were busy screwing your way through college, I was doing my homework, which I believe helped us on that island.”

  “Fine. Whatevs. Where’s Jenny from the Block? I miss her face.”

  “I’m right here,” I said as I came around the corner. “Sorry to have not greeted you along with Alex—last-minute details.”

  “Well, look at you,” Blackwell said as her gaze roamed over me. “So, the truth is out! Clearly the reason Bernie couldn’t see me today is because he came here to have his way with you. And don’t lie to me about it, girl, because there’s no way you could have pulled that off on your own.”

  “Like hell I didn’t.”

  “Oh, the lies!”

  “It’s the truth. I have learned from you two, you know? And I’m not the complete train wreck with the sordid Maine roots that you’d like to think I am. Now give me a kiss. See, that wasn’t so bad. Alex and I are glad that you’re here.”

  “And I’d be glad to give you a mint.”

  “Seriously, Barbara? Is this how this evening is going to go?”

  “You wouldn’t want any less from me, and you know it. This is a party after all, so let the bitchy good times begin. And by the way,” she said, twirling around for me. “Check out the new jacket. I bought it just for tonight. It’s a fitted black wool and white satin bouclé. That’s right—bouclé. Try finding that these days. It’s vintage Chanel, and the moment I saw it, I practically melted into a puddle of Coco herself.”

  “It’s beautiful,” I said. “But who are you if not Chanel’s one true champion?”

  “Somebody has to be.”

  “Actually, somebody doesn’t,” Alexa said. “Because what my mother is really doing is keeping underage girls in China—some as young as the age of six—stuck in a sweatshop so she can look good. I think it’s horrible.”

  “And those girls need to eat, too, my little tree hugger, so consider that. Anyway,” she said, “what do I smell? Heirloom tomatoes? A hint of the sea? I know for a fact that I smell toasted brioche, which is a crime because what I really should be smelling are the thinning, earthy tones of roughage.”

  “How about if we have a drink?” I suggested. “In the living room? Follow me.”

  But at that moment, the elevator dinged and the doors whisked open to reveal Epifania Zapopa herself in a pretty black cocktail dress that did nothing to hide her enormous breasts. She’d layered ropes of diamonds around her neck, wrists, and fingers. In her ears were platinum hoops, also outfitted with the precious stones. I thought that she looked beautiful.

  “Yennifer!” she said when she saw me.

  “Somebody wake me from this horror show now,” Blackwell said. “Slap me. Pinch me. Do something. Burn me.”

  “Epifania hear that,” she called out as she left the elevator. “But since Epifania know your the sense of the humor, she gonna let it pass like the gas.”

  “Well, there’s an image forever burned into my eyes. Why are you here, darling? Shouldn’t you be at some random party for some random event that’s after your late husband’s money?”

  “Epifania here because this is the place to be, the cookie. An’ by the way, Epifania love your yacket. It’s so pretty—where you get it?”

  “My what?”

  “Your yacket.”

  “I don’t know what that means, but for some reason, it sounds like vomit to me...”

  “Yes, you do the know. You can’t pull your old Levis over these eyes. Where you get it?”

  “You must be referring to my jacket.”

  “Yes, right, your yacket. Dios mío! How many time Epifania gotta say it?”

  “Well, if you must know, according to my daughter, Alexa, apparently some six-year-old in China knocked it out for me. But thank you for noticing it, Epifania. And because you did, you’ve just earned yourself a pass for the night.”

  “Oh, Epifania hope the not. She like it when you become the beeg beetch Blackwell and start to cause the trouble, even if Epifania the butt of the joke. Epifania don’ care. It’s all in the fun, right?”

  “My God,” Blackwell said. “Could it be that I’ve misjudged you...?”

  “Epifania is our guest tonight because, without her help, we never would have found Janice Jones,” Alex said. “Welcome, Epifania. Jennifer and I are happy you could make it.”

  “Me, too, the cookie. And by the way, you look like the movie star again, Alex. Always so handsome. Like a panther ready to pounce, which is probably good news for the Yennifer, right, sweetie? Epifania thought so. And by the way, jus’ look at you, Yennifer—you so pretty, just like the always. And who are these two beautiful girls?”

  “I’m Daniella,” Daniella said. “Barbara’s daughter. And I’m already transfixed by you.”

  “Heyzeus Cristo!” Epifania said. “Look, Epifania know that she tall and that she have the overstuffed tweens out tonight, but she no tranny, OK?”

  “That’s not what I meant when I said ‘transfixed’,” Daniella said, horrified. “I meant that I can’t take my eyes off you.”

  “Oh. Well, that the better. But, hey, ask around—Epifania get that tranny comment all the time.” She turned to Alexa. “Who you?”

  “I’m Alexa,” she said, shaking Epifania’s hand. “I’ve heard so much about you, Epifania. Thank you for helping Alex and Jennifer. That was very kind of you.”

  “Ah, look, it no problem, right? Epifania do anything for the Alex and the Yennifer. And in the end, Yanis Yones did the right thing. I proud of her. She used to be a stand-up kind of a girl, even when she the knee-deep in the pasties. I guess she still the girl I used to know. So, good for her, bad for Rowe, great for the Alex and the Yennifer. I jus’ happy that it all work out.”

  “Let’s have a drink,” Alex said.

  “Who else is coming?” Daniella asked as we started to walk down the hall toward the living room.

  “Lisa and Tank. They should be here soon.”

  “No Cutter?”

  “I’m afraid not, Daniella. He’s feeling much better, but he’s not quite up to a party just yet.”

  “But he has to come—I was planning to propose marriage to him later tonight. And he was part of the original group who made it off the island, which is the whole reason that most of us are here tonight—to come together and celebrate. I can’t believe that he’s not coming. I’m crestfallen. Why has the room started to spin? Why am I suddenly short of breath? Why does Alexa no longer look like a lesbian? Where is that drink?”

  “You’re pathetic,” Alexa said.

  “And you wouldn’t know true love if it bit you on your scrawny ass. Because that is the kind of love I have for Cutter. The truest kind. And I don’t care who knows it. As Mariah Carey would say, I will love him to ‘infinity and beyond’.”

  “Hey, Barbara,” Epifania said as we entered the living room, beyond which Manhattan gleamed and twinkled through the wall of windows ahead of us as dusk gave itself over to night. “That Daniella girl—she your kid, for the sure. No swapping of the babies with that one. She the mini-you. As for your other daughter? The yury’s out on that one.”

  “The what?” Blackwell said.

  “The yury.”

  “Why can’t I understand you?”

  “Because I got the theek accent, that the why. If you can understand Sophia Vergara, then you should be able to understand me.”

  “I don’t know who that is.”

  “Aye, yai, yai! She like the biggest star in the whole wide world right now. She my idol. Anyway, forget about it, because Epifania just see a martini with her name on it, an’ it’s right over there.”

  As Epifania went over to one of the servers, who was holding a tray of chilled martinis and bubbling flutes of champagne for our guests, I came alongside Blackwell and pressed my hand against her back. “Epif
ania is a good person, you know?”

  “I agree. The woman has a big heart. I just can’t understand a word she says most of the time.” She lowered her voice and leaned into me. “And then there are her breasts, which are nothing if not a distraction! I keep catching myself looking at them, which is making me wonder if I have, uh, certain tendencies. What in the hell did Charles do to her?”

  “Let’s not go there now,” I said. “What matters is that without Epifania’s help, Alex wouldn’t be back as CEO and chairman of the board. And as for me? That’s enough to allow Epifania into our inner circle. You should get to know her better.”

  “If I do, and if for some outrageous reason we become friendly with each other, I am going to have to insist that she have a breast reduction. Chuckie might have had his little fantasies realized when she went under the knife, but as far as I’m concerned, those dreams died right along with him. If Epifania wants to be taken seriously—or at least somewhat seriously—she needs to deflate those boobs of hers.”

  “Let’s have a drink,” I said. “What do you want—a martini or a glass of champagne?”

  “Champagne,” Blackwell said. “Fewer calories, so I expect you to get the same.”

  “Lady, I’m getting a martini.”

  “Then I fully expect you to throw up when all of us leave tonight.”

  “Not happening.”

  I went over to one of the servers, chose a flute of champagne for Blackwell, and a martini for me. It was generously stacked with three fat olives and it looked nothing short of a sparkling glass filled with heavenly cheer.

  “Here’s to us,” I said when I handed her her drink.

  “Chin, chin.”

  We touched glasses and sipped while we watched Alex chat with Epifania, Daniella, and Alexa.

  “Poor Alex,” Blackwell said. “All of those hormones pulsing against him right now like hammers pounding nails into a coffin. And yet look at him—perfectly charming as always.” She glanced around her. “I’m sorry to hear that Cutter couldn’t come. I was hoping to see him. I miss that boy terribly. I haven’t seen him since we left him in Singapore with his parents.”

  “At least he’ll be spared a marriage proposal from Daniella,” I said. “That girl is out of her mind with lust when it comes to him.”

  “You have no idea, not that either of us can really blame her. Cutter is nothing if not a handsome, polished young man. If I were her age and came upon someone like him, I’d probably lose my mind too.”

  “I’d pay to see that.”

  “You don’t have that kind of money, girl.”

  The party had been going strong for about twenty minutes when I heard the elevator ding. “Finally,” I said. “That will be Lisa and Tank. I’ll be back in a second. See if you can rescue Alex for me. Those women are going to wear him out.”

  “If you expect me to get into the middle of that hotbed of estrogen, then you’d better bring me a red cape first.”

  “You don’t need the cape. Just be the Blackwell we all know and fear—that’s more than enough.”

  “In fact, the Vatican has decreed it.”

  “I was thinking more like Hell. But whichever you prefer. I’ll be back in a flash.”

  WHEN I RETURNED TO the living room, my heart was pounding so hard in my chest, I felt almost light-headed—not just out of happiness, but also due to the anticipation of the reactions that were about to come my way. One of the surprises Alex and I had been holding out on everyone was finally about to be revealed. Cutter was here. He’d arrived with Tank and Lisa—and the three of them were just behind me.

  “Everyone,” I said. “I bring you Tank and Lisa—and also Cutter.”

  “Oh, my God!” Daniella said when she saw him. “Cutter!”

  “Hello, Daniella,” he said with a smile.

  “You look amazing,” she said.

  And she was right. Cutter was back and he was in top form. He was wearing a tailored black suit with a pale blue tie, his thick black hair had been slicked away from his face with gel and parted on the side in a way that reminded me of the way Carey Grant used to wear his hair, his chiseled face was clean shaven, and his bright blue eyes gleamed when he looked around the room at everyone.

  “It’s good to see you all again,” he said. “It’s been too long.”

  I put my hand on his arm, and because he was so tall, I had to stand on tip-toe to give him a kiss on the cheek. “I’m so happy that you’re here,” I said as I wiped the lipstick off his cheek with my thumb. “All of us are, Cutter. Thank you so much for coming—it wouldn’t have felt right if you hadn’t. You’ve just made everyone’s night.”

  Alex came over, moved aside the hand Cutter offered to him, and gave him a hug and a few slaps on the back. “Thank you,” he said. “For all that you did for all of us on that island. All of us will forever be in your debt for that. Now, come and have a drink.”

  Lisa came over to my side and took my hand in her own as we followed Cutter, Alex, and Tank into the room.

  “This is the best,” she said to me. “To see him looking so well—I just can’t believe it. He’s a fighter. Despite every odd that was stacked against him, he fought back and won. Look at how people are responding to him. Blackwell is wiping away tears, for God’s sake.”

  “She’s not the only one,” I said, slipping a finger beneath each of my eyes. “Tell me I haven’t ruined my makeup.”

  “You look beautiful.”

  “I’m so happy right now,” I said. “But I wasn’t expecting to become this emotional. Just seeing him a moment ago when he stepped out of the elevator looking healthy and fit practically did me in. We’ve got him back. They didn’t take him from us.”

  Tank was standing just ahead of me, and I reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “Give me a hug,” I said when he turned to face me. “You look dashing. In fact, there isn’t an unattractive man in this room. You three should star in your own summer calendar. ‘The Men of Wenn.’ I can see it now.”

  “I’d buy that shit,” Lisa said.

  “Is that so?” Tank asked.

  “Well, of course. I’d have to skip the, uh, months when Alex and Cutter were featured, that’s all.”

  “No, you wouldn’t,” he said—and then he flexed his pecs for us, which bounced aggressively beneath his suit. “They’re good-looking guys, but they don’t have anything on me.”

  Doing that was so out of character for him, I couldn’t help a laugh. “Tank, sometimes I swear I’ve got you pegged, and then there are moments when I don’t think I know you at all.”

  “You should see him at home,” Lisa said. “Tank’s got everyone fooled.”

  “Shhh,” he said. “Don’t spill my secrets.”

  “I’ll keep my lips sealed if you take me hard tonight.”

  “Lisa,” he said.

  “Oh, go ahead and do it,” I said. “Alex and I plan to. Tonight, we’re going to get busy in that bedroom. We’ve already planned for it.”

  “Is this how you two talk when you’re alone?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Too much information for me,” Tank said. And with that, he walked over to where Alex was standing while Blackwell came over to us.

  “You’re a horrible girl,” she said to me. “Surprising all of us like that. Making me actually cry in front of people. Now they’ll know my whole act is nothing but smoke and mirrors. I’ve lost my bite because of you.”

  “The hell you have,” I said. “And who are you kidding, lady? It’s not always all smoke and mirrors when it comes to you, so let’s just own that one right here.”

  “So, maybe it isn’t,” she said. “And thank God that it isn’t. I have a reputation to uphold, you know?” She looked over at Cutter again, and her face softened. “Look at him standing there. It’s a miracle, you know? It’s almost as if nothing happened to him. It’s as if that island was all some sort of twisted, cruel dream. But of course it wasn’t, was it? We lost five of our friends
there. They can’t be here tonight, but at least Cutter is here. At least they didn’t get him. Whatever you and Alex had to do to convince him to come, thank you.”

  “All we had to do was ask. He said that he’d been feeling much better over the past two weeks, and that he’d love to come. This is his first night out in over a month.”

  “I think it’s about time we made a toast,” Alex said.

  “Oh, Epifania love the toast,” she said to him. “She like it with the butter, and with a little beet of the jelly. Sometimes with the peanut butter, but never plain! Because plain jus’ gross!”

  “Actually,” Alex said, “I was thinking that we’d all raise our glasses, first to Cutter to welcome him back home and, from what he just told me, also back to Wenn Enterprises, which is something I personally want to celebrate. Then, Jennifer would like to say a few words.”

  “Oh, now I feel the stupid,” Epifania said. “You mean that kind of toast. Sheet. All right, Epifania just the bumbled again, but she got her second martini at the ready. And that mean she ready to eat the toast!”

  “Make the toast,” Blackwell hissed beneath her breath. “God, I’ve got my work cut out when it comes to that one.”

  “Raise your glass,” Lisa said sweetly to her. “This is a happy moment!” And then across the room to Tank, she asked him to grab her a martini, and also something for himself.

  “Sure.” He took two martinis off a server’s tray and came back over to hand one to her. “Come stand next to me,” he said. “You know, where you belong.”

  Lisa smiled at that. “My pleasure, big boy.” She fluttered her fingers at us. “Bye, girls.”

  “Bye, lovey,” I said.

  “Jennifer?” Alex said. “Would you care to join me?”

  “I’d love to,” I said. I kissed Blackwell on the cheek and walked over to stand beside my husband, whose back was to the wall of windows, beyond which the New York skyline was now in full glittering bloom. From our apartment, you could see the Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building, and far in the distance, even the new World Trade Center complex. It was a view to die for, and I was grateful for it. The very idea that someone with my past could wake up to such a view still humbled me.