No Game No Life, Vol. 9

by Yuu Kamiya

  “Confirmed: Structure size matches specification. Copying.”

  “Hey, wai— Don’t— N-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

  ……

  …And so… In the throne room, where the Ex Machinas, Shiro, Jibril, and Steph all fell silent…

  “No, noooo… My—my—my precious secret collection…!”

  …only one man’s grief-stricken lamentations filled the air. The precious porn he had brought from his old world, the reams and reams of erotic manga, had all been lost forever. The data had been corrupted, and no matter how many times he smacked the screen, it told him, Could not load.

  “…Brother… I’m, sorry…?”

  “It’s okay… It’s okay, Shiro. It’s not your fault… It really isn’t…”

  Shiro hugged Sora and apologized, but Sora shook his head. It had been Sora’s fault for losing. And anyway, protecting the other data and the tablet itself from loss was the top priority. What he should have done was tell them honestly and fully where the data was to keep their losses to a minimum. Shiro hadn’t done anything wrong—she’d done exactly what he should have done in the first place. Still… It could never erase the pain of the loss of his precious fap material, gone forever. But what pained him more than its loss, per se—

  “…Brother… Porn…is best fresh… You already, used it up…”

  Comforting Sora by rubbing his head, Shiro went on gently.

  “…You couldn’t, get off to it, anymore…could you? Let’s find…more porn…together.”

  “Look, your brother can’t help but be distraught that his proclivities had been an open book to his little sister all along! And, I mean, how is it that an eleven-year-old maiden is speaking for the feelings of a man who’s just lost his porn folder?!”

  The despair was no different from having your porn stash found by your mom. The war criminals responsible: Einzig and Emir-Eins.

  “Now we shall promptly proceed with the analysis of the data, Spieler! Please wait.”

  “Declaration: This unit will dedicate all resources to becoming the ideal wife for Master… Trying.”

  With that, the eleven Ex Machina girls all bowed deeply in unison.

  This marked the start of Ex Machina’s mad approach based on porno manga. It had only taken a few hours to reach the present time…and this filled Sora with dread. In just a few hours, they had decrypted and understood the data from Sora’s old world. Even unknown concepts—school, childhood friends, walking to school together, elementary school backpacks. They’d grasped his culture. And from cartoons. Based entirely on porno manga. It was only natural that, given their reference material, there would be some strain in their interpretation, some bias in their scenarios. But however conservatively you talked about their speed of understanding and learning—it was prodigious.

  —And yet.

  Taking all that and skipping all the vile memories, foregoing the synopsis. Eastern Union. Shrine. Annex. Sora brought himself back. And the first thing he said:

  “Why are you still stuck on the super-gay route?! Cut it out already!!”

  Past the nightmarish memories, before his eyes lay a true nightmare: the pervbot in his basketball uniform. He was closing in on Sora, whose objections were closer to a shriek. And yet, Einzig alone still would not learn, his smile just as cheery as ever:

  “Hmm… But you see, it means nothing unless you accept my love for what—”

  “I’d rather kill myself! Knock it off with the stupid cosplay!!”

  Appearing to finally understand the seriousness of Sora’s refusal, Einzig drooped in chagrin. At the same time, the Shrine’s tranquil furnishings were restored, causing Sora to breathe a deep sigh of relief. And not just Sora—the Shrine Maiden, Ino, Shiro, and Jibril, too, each in their own ways.

  As if all that hadn’t been enough—

  “…I apologize, Spieler… There was only one record for reference on man-on-man affection… It is so difficult to analyze your preferences for this category… I can only curse my inadequacy in causing you discomfort.”

  Einzig heaved a sigh of his own, causing Sora to tear at his hair.

  “Inadequacy doesn’t even begin to cut it! I’m not into guys! Will you get it through your head already?!”

  “But, Spieler, your tomes did contain a single volume of lurid male-on-male—”

  “The cover was a trap! It pisses me off just remembering it!”

  The character on the cover was obviously a cute girl. Even the art style made it look like it was intended for men. But when Sora bought the book, it turned out to be BL…and some pretty hardcore stuff, at that. Of course, it had been Sora’s fault for buying it without checking the contents. But now he had Einzig bringing this up as evidence that he had a chance, and the rage from back then burst back into flame from Sora’s mouth.

  “Don’t you think you picked the wrong reference material in the first place?! D00d, look at this, seriously!!”

  Seriously. Look at these porn scenarios they were using. Consider: deciding who should be Teacher’s girlfriend by who made him feel the best? That didn’t make sense. The girls who didn’t get picked would be totally screwed over. In reality, this would lead to one of those “dead ends” where someone ends up getting stabbed. No matter how you looked at it, basing your actions on unrealistic scenarios from porno manga was a mistake.

  …Though Sora did admit he was bitter at having his stash nuked.

  “What are you saying, Spieler? The information was truly valuable, and not only in determining your preferences.” It sounded as if the suggestion came entirely as a shock to Einzig, who turned on his heel. “Your library was truly informative…and that world truly came to astonish us.” He had his back to Sora, practically marveling— No, perhaps actually marveling. “The education…the physiology, the psychology—it helped us more than we could imagine, indeed, in understanding the ‘heart’!”

  Sora and Shiro raised their eyebrows at this machine’s increasingly heated assertions.

  “…Mm? Is…that so…?

  The computer that explored the “heart.” The world he extolled was one that could only exist with what was, in this place, technology of the distant future. But as Sora considered this, it hit him—Wait a second. Ex Machina was imagining their old world based on porno manga. So what was it exactly that was getting Einzig so heated…? But, with no attention to Sora’s doubt, the heat of the machine’s elocution inflamed further—!!

  “Yes… Especially when considering matters of the “heart,” everyone—including us—falls into the traps of stereotyping, iconography, association, and bias! Whereupon, we engage in actions which are entirely meaningless…”

  And finally, his fist shaking in rage at his own folly:

  “What madness! To consider the ‘heart’ by reason?! Is it not evident that the ‘heart’ is the very furthest thing from reason—it is illogic itself!! And love is its foremost virtue—but!!!!”

  Steadily spreading his arms out wide, he said it loud—he released it from his soul—!!

  “—Lösen: Eros-Apokryphon!!”

  That instant, a massive array of images spread out all over the room. Einzig beheld the countless pictures suspended in the air, even stretching space to make room. As his speech raged on, tears formed in his eyes—

  “Let us reflect truly! Has any other Ixseed ever shown the ‘heart’ so clearly?!”

  This indeed was love, said the tears of the bellowing Einzig. But.

  “What d’you have against me, d00d?! How dare you show everyone my treasures— Oh, I see, you wanna make me cry, do you?!”

  Fine, then. Watch me cry!

  The next instant, Sora covered Shiro’s eyes and cried in a different sense at the—uh, well, the crown jewels, the porno comics. You know…with all the parts moving, and going in, and going out, with all the little hearts and stuff. Countless pages bedecked in art that would classically be described as “Eh-heh-heh-heh.” The Shrine Maiden and Ino stared agog, while Jibr
il drooled.

  “So my point is, this is your problem! It’s a veritable parade of impossible premises with implausible results!”

  Sora aimed to point out the flaws with what Einzig described as the very heart of love. The lazy unreality characteristic of adult manga. However—

  “Hmm… Impossible premises with implausible results, you say? Could you be more specific, Spieler?” Einzig looked bemused. “Do you refer to the incoherence? The meaninglessness, or perhaps the absence of motivation leading to the act?”

  —All of them, Sora wanted to say, but he held his tongue. Einzig made clear that he had an answer to all ready. Now here it was: Einzig powerfully bellowed the answer—!!

  “Love is incoherent! It is a fallacy to seek logic in the ‘heart’! The clashing of souls drawn to each other is meaningless! Motivations are ascribed to it only after the fact—yes! Just as porno manga teaches us!!”

  —Why was this?

  “Ah, the civilization that thus clearly demonstrated what love is! The erudition of those who represented this as the natural state of affairs!”

  —As Einzig sang the praises of creators who engaged in a speedrun based on how few pages they could spend getting to the hanky-panky, Sora found himself almost agreeing. He clutched his head as several others spoke up. Each had been studying the pages very closely.

  “Hmm… King Sora, I am experiencing a renewed respect for you. It is proper that wolf-girls should have enormous breasts. I commend your taste.” Ino was staring at a particular animal-girl hard enough to bore a hole in her as he nodded.

  “……Just what are they supposed to be doing in these—? Eh. Well, ’tis no matter to me.” The Shrine Maiden, having had zero experience in love, blushed as she feigned composure.

  “Master, Master?! Please impart this knowledge unto me!!” Jibril drooled excitedly, begging to get the data back—“Perhaps even experientially. Please, please!!”—or otherwise to receive the most personal instruction possible.

  “…Shiro. Your brother’s gonna go dig a hole… You wanna get in it with me?”

  “…Mm. O-kay…”

  —In short, Sora was being publicly humiliated. Sprawled on the tatami with his sister, he gathered the gumption to bury himself. But—

  “Yet, even with this glorious knowledge, it seems that my understanding of love is still insufficient for you to love me.”

  “…Look, before we talk about love, maybe you should understand empathy, or sensitivity…”

  The mechanical man who spoke of love without comprehending the scars inflicted on Sora’s heart nodded deeply.

  “Understood. I shall go do that and return shortly, Spieler! Please look forward to it!”

  “I ain’t looking forward to shit! Leave and don’t come back!!”

  After thus cutting into Sora’s wails with a firm and friendly smile—foop. The prodigious pervert vanished, taking his gallery of obscenity with him.

  “…………Phew…”

  Peace had been restored to the Shrine. All sighed.

  “And when do you plan to return?”

  Jibril alone thus murmuring, all followed her eyes to nothing:

  “…Reply: This unit will return anytime upon request from Master.”

  As far as Sora and Shiro could tell—no. There probably hadn’t even been a hint of spirits—

  “Emir-Eins?! Huh? You were there?!”

  “Acknowledgment: Always.”

  Even though the Werebeasts apparently hadn’t been able to see the Ex Machina girl who answered Sora’s call with a curtsy, she was present. Optical camouflage. As if it were no big deal.

  “…Why are you here? Aren’t you going back with the others?”

  “Boast: Master commanded this unit to get lost. Therefore, this unit got lost.”

  …Sounds like Sora’s usual bullshit. Everyone turned their annoyed gazes on Sora, but something else weighed on his mind.

  —Einzig… Well, he’s a perverted little weirdo. Never mind him. But why didn’t Emir-Eins act in line with the other Ex Machinas? Apparently she and Einzig were both “Befehler,” but— No, wait, the real thing is…

  He’d just realized—Emir-Eins didn’t even actively come after him.

  “Remarks: Master is the master of this unit. Home position of this unit is by Master’s side. However, position oscillates at night.”

  Maid robot. Committed to being a maid, apparently.

  “Query: Positions supported tonight: top, bottom. Please specify preference. This unit will make the necessary preparations.”

  But for being a maid, she was awfully threatening about wanting to make babies with him. It was as if it was already determined that they were going to make love.

  “…Let me rephrase. Sorry, but go away for a while— Oh, and one thing first?”

  “Concession: Either position equally supported.”

  “Neither— Wait, what are you talking about…? It’s just a question…!” Sora replied, exhausted.

  I really don’t get what these Ex Machina are up to, he thought. Maybe they had some hidden agenda, but for now, he didn’t have enough information to say anything. This was why, so far, he’d had to hold on…and on…and play the straight man:

  “…D00d, what’s with the maid costumes?”

  Sora managed to get that much out. But—

  “Truism: Robots should be maid robots.”

  “My point is, where the hell did you get that BS?!”

  —as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, so shall robots be maid robots, apparently. Sora couldn’t help but groan at this assertion. Did all this information come from his porn…? No, all the Ex Machinas had been in maid costumes since they first showed up.

  …Sora preferred to forget that there had been a butler.

  “Reply: Since end of Great War, Ex Machina has studied question: What is the meaning of Ex Machina’s existence?” asked Emir-Eins softly, yet fluidly.

  “Continuation: Hope. Preier transmitted ‘heart’ to Ex Machina.”

  She sounded like a recording. A smooth, inorganic playback.

  “Recollection: Hope for realization of hope of Spieler—the man she loved.”

  But as Emir-Eins narrowed her gaze as if staring into a bright light, there was something about her face—her doll-like, vaguely artificial glass eyes, her lips—

  “Admiration: Answer was persuasive. Approval granted from all units.”

  Though they belonged to a machine, a mere doll, there was something within them that shouldn’t be there.

  “Conclusion: To give all to Master, to serve him, and to be his strength. This is hope; this is will of unit—of Ex Machina.”

  Her voice had feeling—yes, what she had was hope.

  Silence fell in the stillness of the Annex of the Shrine. Sora awkwardly opened his mouth to speak.

  “Uhhh… You’re really making it hard for me to crack jokes here, but…” He wasn’t sure it was appropriate for him to bust the solemn atmosphere she’d created. But not being able to shake a certain doubt, close to a conviction, he mustered up the courage to be a wiseass. “…I mean. That doesn’t mean you have to be a maid, does it?”

  Even if you took what Emir-Eins was saying seriously, it didn’t mean she had to be a maid. Surely there were other roles that would fulfill her will. And in any case, the costume was entirely beside the point.

  “Acknowledgment: Eight roles match conclusion. Selection of ‘maid’—”

  Emir-Eins nodded to affirm Sora’s doubt. He was right after all. That was why they didn’t act like maids.

  “Disclosure: Arbitrary.”

  —It was arbitrary.

  So basically, yeah, they were poseur maids. This made everything make sense to Sora, and everything seem to not matter anymore to everyone else…

  “…Interesting! A bit character such as you means to usurp my master?”

  …except for one person— Pardon, body. Article? Unit? Hang on, how did you count god-killing weap
ons anyway? Well, whatever, Sora thought, unable to remember.

  “And to think that such a throwaway believes that she can upstage me… My, my, this won’t do at all.” Jibril’s halo spun more rapidly as she drew closer to Emir-Eins. “I’m not sure there’s room in this story for the two of us. Let me adjust your characteristics to be more unique—even avant-garde. ”

  Jibril’s wings turned to surging pillars of light as she muddied the spirits in the air around them. She took a blade of light in hand, proposing to adjust Emir-Eins’s character physically—or rather, put her out of character entirely.

  “…H-hey, Jibril…!”

  Even Sora and Shiro, who could not sense spirits, were able to perceive the spiritual compression and wild gust. Jibril wouldn’t be able to put her power into practice—there were the Ten Covenants, after all. She couldn’t hurt anyone. Even so, the aura of violence broke through the reason of the Shrine Maiden and Ino and made their fur stand on end.

  “Rebuttal: This unit was bound to current Master only recently. True.”

  Only Emir-Eins stood up to Jibril with a placid exterior. Yet, her emotionless face bore a clear trace of a sneer as she—

  “Declaration: This unit had already devoted herself to Master six thousand years ago. Bit character is you. Insolent. Obstructive. Stupid. However, property of Master. Cannot destroy for fear of Master’s wrath.”

  —provoked Jibril.

  “Allll right! I shouldn’t have held you back!! We’re done here, right?!”

  Sora’s panicked squeal was drowned out by the clearly audible rumbling of animosity.

  “You have a pretty big mouth, don’t you? Why don’t we make it a little bigger and turn it into a gaping hole? ”

  “Derision: This unit is capable of eliminating Irregular Number alone with current armaments. Easy. Master, please authorize demonstration.”

  “Listen! Listen to me, okay? I was wrong, so just get out of here! Please!!”

  “…Jibril, s-s-sit…”

  First, Sora and Shiro’s commands made Jibril sit down flat on the floor.