by Danni Roan
“I’ve seen women like her before,” Ernie said. “They’ve grown up with privilege and instead of finding some positive industry or charitable work, they turn all their thoughts inward, comparing themselves to others until they are sure they aren’t worth anything more than their breeding or good looks. At least Janine wants to be a good mother, unlike many who deliver the child and expect someone else to raise it.”
Polly shook her head sadly. “That makes for a sad state of affairs, but if those children have someone like you to love them I’m sure they must turn out right.” Polly dropped her eyes as thoughts of Ellery swirled through her mind. She loved him more than she could express, but he still wasn’t healing. He had all but abandoned his own children, and though she knew he was hurting from the loss of his wife, she couldn’t help but feel that things needed to change.
A slow burn seemed to start low in Ernie’s stomach as she watched the shame, worry, and doubt flitter across Miss Polly’s face, and she could practically read the other woman’s thoughts. The boarding-house keeper had a kind heart and such a gift of hospitality it made Ernie angry that Polly’s son was behaving so badly. It wasn’t her fault that he couldn’t break the bonds of depression and despair.
Everyone had lost people they loved over the years, all suffered loss, disappointment and pain. Why did he get to wallow in self-pity, pain, and despair while others picked up the pieces around him? Ernestine wasn’t a woman who easily angered, but right now, she wanted to shout at the man to snap out of it, but even as she thought it, she knew he needed a deeper care and sent a silent prayer to heaven to send help.
Over the past few weeks as she had learned the household routine, Ernie had hoped that Mr. George would have a talk with his son, calling him to account for how he had all but abandoned his children. Yes, the Olson children were well cared for, well fed, and had shelter, but they were all still grieving their mother and felt their father’s absence
Alyssa, who was barely eleven, was too grown up, constantly worrying and fussing over the boys, while Mark grew quieter each day. No matter what the grieving man was thinking, his children needed him. They needed to know that he still loved them and that he wouldn’t leave them alone in this world.
Chapter 11
Ellery stepped from his room in the still of the night headed for the front door. He had heard Sophia fussing earlier, but that new woman must have gone to her, as the house was quiet once more.
Not able to sleep again, the lean, dark-haired man crept down the stairs looking for escape from the house, the memories, his own thoughts and everything that seemed to engulf him. At least outside he could walk off the restlessness that seemed to gather round him, like the darkness itself, pressing in on all sides, until he needed to move.
A soft tread in the office made Ellery freeze as he reached for the door handle turning toward the door on the opposite wall as that woman stepped into view, a sleepy Sophia in her arms.
“You,” the woman hissed as her eyes fell on him. “What are you doing?” she asked her dressing gown swaying with the rocking rhythm of her steps.
“Daddy, daddy,” little Sophia twisted in Ernie’s arms as she reached for her father a happy grin on her little face. “Daddy,” she called again lunging.
Ernie lurched forward desperately trying to keep the babe from tumbling from her arms as she slammed into the lithe form of Ellery Olson, who caught her and the child against his chest.
“Take her,” Ernie called, her voice a desperate rasp, as she tried to keep her urgency from waking the house. “She’ll fall.”
“No,” Ellery stepped back as his daughter’s tiny hands clutched at him. “No, I can’t,” he hissed, even as Ernie tried to regain her balance.
“If you don’t she’ll fall,” the woman insisted. “I can’t hold her this way,” she added panic entering her tone.
Ellery twisted an arm around his daughter, pulling her tight as his other hand grasped the woman’s arm steadying her once more.
Ernie sighed as she released Sophia who giggled snuggling into her father’s neck. The man’s beard was outrageously unruly and his eyes hard, but underneath it all she could see the man he could be. Perhaps even the man he had once been.
“Where are you going?” Ernie whispered stepping back as Sophia stuck her hands in her father’s dark beard. “It’s the middle of the night?”
“I’m going for a walk,” Ellery croaked avoiding his daughter’s kisses.
“Here, take her,” he grumbled once more reaching for the door. “Isn’t that your job?”
Ernie felt her temper rise, and though she wasn’t often given to strong emotion, she wanted to scream. Grasping the doorknob in one hand, she yanked the door wide shoving the obstinate man through the door with a sharp growl and following him into the night. He was running away.
“You’re running,” she snapped as she pulled the door closed behind her. “Here you have this perfect family, this beautiful creation, and you want nothing to do with it. You should be ashamed of yourself!” Ernie threw her arms in the air giving in to her feelings while trying not to wake the town.
Ellery opened his mouth to speak as he tried to thrust his daughter back into the woman’s arms, but the glint of anger in her amber eyes stopped him as she settled her restless hands on her hips.
“I know you lost your wife,” Ernie snapped. “I know you’re hurting, but so are these children.” She pointed a finger at Sophia who hunkered against her father’s neck. “They miss their mother, and now you’ve left too. You’re never here, never come down for meals, or to check their homework, you lock yourself in that room,” she waggled a finger in the man’s face, “and don’t have five minutes for your own children. You should be ashamed of yourself.” Ernie couldn’t believe she was talking this way to the man before her. She would have thought she had learned her lesson about speaking her mind, but the words continued to tumble from her lips as her anger bubbled.
“I can’t,” Ellery croaked his voice a cracked bubble in the cool night.
“You can,” Ernie insisted still furious even as little Sophia shrank into her father’s neck. “They need you.”
“I can’t,” Ellery said his words a little stronger. “I’m no good for them. I’ll just drag them down with me. Their mother always knew what to do, but I’m lost without her. Every time I look into their eyes it’s like losing her all over again.”
Ernie felt her heart stutter at the man’s words, but she couldn’t let him go, couldn’t let him give in to defeat as he had.
“They’re your children,” she whispered her voice softening with compassion. “Every time you look at them they should remind you of what your wife gave you, of the love she had and the joy she felt at seeing her children grow. They should be your comfort as you should be theirs.”
Ellery shook his head trying to deny her words even as they sank into his heart. “I’m too weak,” he said thrusting his daughter into Ernie’s arms, but as the woman reached for the child, she pulled him in as well and the warm, tender embrace undid him as tears spilled from his eyes.
***
Ernie felt the man before her crumple and was sure they would all fall to the boardwalk, but some inner strength seemed to fill her and pressing hard she shifted both of them to a hard bench on the edge of the stoop.
The silent sobs of the man next to her vibrated through her arms shaking Ernestine to the core and shifting a confused Sophia to her other shoulder she pulled Ellery to her the way she would in comforting a distraught child.
She had no words of comfort to offer the man, no seeds of wisdom that would sooth his soul, but she smoothed the hair at the back of his neck and offered what strength she had, as the silent darkness filled the surrounding air.
Baby Sophia snuggled in tight, her little head dropping against Ernie’s neck as sleep found her once more and as the long minutes stretched on the governess felt a sense of peace fall over her. She had come to Biders Clump for the children,
but this man, this broken man, needed her as well. If God would give her the wisdom to know what to do, she would trust Him for the strength to do the work.
“I’m sorry,” Ellery’s voice was rough, raw and full of emotion. “I’m too weak, useless.”
“You are not weak,” Ernie whispered still stroking his back and shoulders. “You’re hurt.”
“No, I’m weak,” Ellery insisted leaning away from her and resting his back against the outer rail that ran along the stoop. “It’s why I came home. The children need someone who is strong to help them, someone who can look out for them. I’m not strong like Ma and Pa,” he finished his shoulders sagging.
Ernie chewed her bottom lip for a moment wishing she had the words that would comfort his heart, but all she felt was anger at him for giving up.
“You may not think you are strong enough,” she started. “But we don’t walk in our own strength. Our strength comes from God, and He’ll lift us up.”
Ellery shook his head and even in the half-light of night, Ernie could see his despair. “What’s God have to do with anything?” he queried. “He couldn’t be bothered to save my Alice, why should it be any different for me?”
The acid in the man’s voice burned in Ernie’s soul, and she wanted nothing more than to pull him into her arms once more and convince him that he wasn’t alone.
“I don’t have any words that will fix this,” she finally said. “I do know that you are not the only one to lose someone you loved. We’ve all had those goodbyes, and they never get any easier, but those who have gone before us wouldn’t want us to give up on living the way you have.”
Ellery shook his head denying her words, but she could see that they had struck home.
“What would your Alice want from you?” Ernie asked gently, shifting baby Sophia to a more comfortable position. “Is this what she would have wanted, for you to hide yourself away, cutting your children out of your life?”
Ellery shook his head so slightly, Ernie wasn’t sure if she had seen it, but the burning in her heart made her press on. “I didn’t know your wife,” she spoke softly, “but I know her children, and they miss you. They want their father in their life. It’s hard enough to lose your parents, but when you still have one, and they don’t want you anymore that hurts even worse.”
“What do you know about it?” Ellery snapped springing to his feet and wheeling to glare at her, arms stiff, hands clenched. “You’re hired help at my parent’s boarding house; you have no right to speak to me this way.”
Ernie rose to her feet glaring at the man. She knew he was responding out of anger and grief but she couldn’t let it go. “You know nothing about me Mr. Ellery Olson,” she said stepping in close. “I lost my parents when I was twelve years old and had no one to take me in. I took a job at a boarding house very much like this one. I had to work even though all I wanted to do was collapse into a heap until the world went away, and I determined that when I was old enough, I’d take a job that offered comfort to little ones who had lost as well. As a governess, I’ve seen many people go through what you have, and I’ve done what I could to provide love to the children who were lost, alone and hurting, but you have taken it too far. Pull yourself together and be a father to these children,” she barked reaching for the door and slipping inside. “Be the man you were made to be,” she cast back as hot tears filled her eyes.
Chapter 12
Ellery slumped back on the bench, pressing his face into his hands as waves of guilt, anger and doubt rushed over him. He couldn’t do this; he didn’t know how to go on without Alice.
The words of the woman caring for his children seemed to sear his skin, and Ellery twitched trying to shake the truth off, but it didn’t work, and he forced himself to his feet stepping into the empty street heading for the edge of town. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to silence the noise in his heart, but he didn’t know how.
Stumbling at first, then moving faster, Ellery stepped into a trot, then began to run longing to outpace the pain, sorrow, and anger that overwhelmed him. Even as his legs began to shake and his ragged breathing tore at his chest, the lean man pushed himself forward, grinding his teeth against the grief he couldn’t out run.
As the first hint of gray slipped onto the horizon, Ellery collapsed into the damp grass along the road, covering his face with an arm as exhaustion rolled over him and his body succumbed to sleep.
***
“Bruno, I think he’s dead.” A woman’s hushed voice brought Ellery back to his senses and he shifted his stiff arm, his eyes falling on a young couple in a smart carriage.
“He’s not dead Janine,” the young man in a dark Stetson chuckled setting the break and stepping down from the drives seat. “You need some help mister?” he asked his midnight blue eyes examining Ellery with interest as he walking into the grass.
“Bruno?” Ellery asked, “You cannot be that scrawny kid who used to follow the banker’s daughter everywhere? Not that Bruno?”
“One and the same,” Bruno Sparak laughed offering a hand and helping Ellery to his feet. “Do I know you?”
“Ellery Olson,” the older man said. “I’m stayin’ with my folks for a spell.”
“I’d heard you were in town, but haven’t seen you around,” Bruno grinned, his midnight blue eyes bright. “Can we give you a lift or are you going somewhere?”
Ellery’s legs quivered under him, and he nodded. “If you’re going to town, I’d appreciate it.” His words were simple, but his emotions twisted like a nest full of vipers. The young man before him was just starting out. Ellery could see the baby in his pretty wife’s arms and something deep inside seemed to break melting away like springtime snow.
“Are you Polly and George’s son?” the pretty red-head holding a baby on her lap asked as Ellery climbed up into the rear seat of the carriage.
“I am,” Ellery admitted wanting nothing more than to get back to the boarding house and disappear into his room. He was exhausted and the words of the woman last night wouldn’t leave him alone.
“He’s the one I was telling you about Bruno,” the young woman smiled as her husband climbed aboard. “George hired a governess to help with the children, and she’s so lovely. I don’t suppose you’d let her go?” she finished turning to Ellery.
Ellery blinked at the young woman unsure what to say. He hadn’t hired Miss Haven to watch his children, but he knew she did a very good job, and that his children were doing well under her care. Of course, his mother and father were also there, and that combined love and affection would see his offspring through this hard time.
“I don’t know,” he finally stammered. The conversation from the night before slamming into him once more as Bruno clicked the horse into motion.
“Honey, you’re a wonderful mother, and you don’t need a governess for Valentine,” Bruno spoke drawing his wife’s attention back to him. “Have a little faith in yourself.”
“You say that, but I’m always so worried I’ll make a mess of everything. You had to teach me how to change a diaper, and what if she gets sick? I wish Nana would come live with us.”
“I know you love Nana, and she’s been with you for years but she’s not as young as she used to be and I think your father and new mother need her as well. Ruth is not the most homey sort.”
Ellery watched the young man speaking to his wife. Bruno was a simple shepherd from the far hills who most folks thought would never amount to anything, but here he was taking the young woman’s hand in his and filling her with confidence. Ellery’s heart gave an odd jiggle. Bruno had been trailing after Janine Williams since he had been a boy of six, and she’d stood up to a bully on the playground. Ellery, several years older than the two of them still remembered the incident and couldn’t help but smile that the young man who had won the girl over in the end.
“Janine,” Bruno said, his voice patient and loving. “You’ve learned to do so many things since we were wed, you can learn this too. No one expects you
to be perfect, and you’ll grow into it. Besides, I’ll always be right here if you need me, and your Pa’s planning on moving closer to us soon. You’ll be able to go visit Nana and your family any time you want to.”
“You really think so?” Janine asked her deep green eyes holding his as she searched for his eyes for the truth.
“I know so. You’re always worried you can’t do something, but you learn. You’re much stronger than you ever believe sweetheart.”
The bright smile that sped across the young woman’s face seemed to crack something in Ellery’s heart, and he suddenly realized that the world was moving on even if he didn’t want it to. Bruno and Janine were so much in love and obviously thrilled with the arrival of their own little one.
He remembered the day Alyssa had been born, and the moment he held her in his arms for the first time. Alice had been so happy, and he had been proud. The memory edged into his heart cracking the hard, dead shell that had enclosed it for far too long.
Perhaps it was time he tried to look after the children himself. Perhaps if he tried, he could be the father they needed.
“I’ll do my best Bruno,” Janine said smiling at her husband in the front seat of the carriage, “but at least if I ever do need help maybe you could hire Miss Haven away from Polly and George. Just in case.”
Bruno’s warm laugh filled the early morning air, and he reached over taking Janine’s hand. “If you ever need anything my love, I’ll find away to get it for you.”
Ellery sat silent in the carriage as they made the turn toward Biders Clump. He didn’t know how he had gotten so far from home, but he knew what he had to do. He had to try, and perhaps, with a little help, he could begin to mend what was broken in his life as well as the rift that stood between him and his children.
As the morning sun warmed the prairie, and the sound of bird song filled the day, Ellery felt something inside him turn over and wondered if it could possibly be hope.