by Xana Jordan
Now I’m only more certain of what I need to do from here on.
It’s Tuesday morning, and Cade and I are walking to the weight room for our early morning workout. It’s been a few weeks with my cast, and it’s starting to feel better. Spring break starts after classes on Friday, and I’m more than ready for it. Xana’s finally more relaxed than I’ve seen her in a long time since she’s dropped those classes, and a good long week off for all of us will do everyone wonders.
“Have you thought any more about moving off campus next year, instead of living in the dorms again?” Cade asks as we cross the dorm yard.
“I’ve been thinking about that a lot, actually, and my parents have already considered the benefits of it. The dorms are nice, but they are just too noisy sometimes. Not to mention all the pranks those idiots keep pulling, and all the damn noise. I think that’s something I want to do.” We cross the street and head for the athletic building.
“Yeah, they’ve even gotten to me, and I’m usually the one pulling pranks,” he shakes his head, clearly not amused by their antics, and I have to laugh. “And of course, curfews would be less of an issue.”
I think about that for a minute before answering. “I can’t deny that most of me really wants to have my own space. For more than one reason. We both would sleep better.” Cade is silent obviously thinking about something.
“You’ve finally got your girl back, huh?” Cade’s words are more like a statement than the question it sounded like. “You’d better not mess it up.” Cade looks over at me as we reach the athletic building, clearly serious in his warning.
“I’m not letting anything get in my way.” Cade nods and we walk the rest of the way to the weight room in silence, not resuming any conversation until we reach the rest of the team.
Most of the team is already here and warming up when we join them. Coach is looking around to take roll, and talking to a few of the guys as he does so. Cade begins the usual warm ups and stretching while I do a modified version of them. Coach Fields makes his way over to me, and nods his head toward the office and I follow him to it. Once we are both seated, Coach lays his clipboard on the desk and leans back in his chair.
“How are things going with your arm, son?” He steeples his fingers in front of him while his elbows rest on the arms of his chair.
“It’s doing good. I go back for a check up for it in two weeks. The doctor seems to think there will be no problems with it.” Coach doesn’t pull his players into his office very often, so I’m curious as to why I’m here.
“That’s good to hear. I wasn’t sure how bad it was gonna be, but from what I saw of it, I knew it wasn’t just a simple injury,” he says, index fingers tapping against each other.
“No, it was something a little different for sure,” I agree and shake my head, “but it’s nothing damaging.”
He remains quiet for longer than I would have liked, before he speaks again. “You’re not required to attend all games and practices now that you’re injured, but I respect the fact that you’re dedicated enough to show up ready to go anyway. I knew I made a good decision in recruiting you.”
“Thank you, Sir. I love playing here.”
“I can tell, but I want you to lay off the away games. Not that I don’t want you there, but I want to make sure your grades are really good so that when you’re out of that cast and released to play, we don’t have to worry about that.” I start to protest, but he cuts me off and continues with his speech. “I don’t want to hear any argument. You are a strong player and definitely an asset to the team. That being said, I don't want you to rush your recovery because you’re worried about losing your spot in the lineup. You earned your starting position. When you’ve healed, you will have the opportunity to get it back. With your skill and determination, I have no doubt you will be right back where you were in no time. You’re too valuable a player, and I’m not going to let a broken arm get in the way of that,” he pauses, “and neither are you.” He gives me his patented ‘I’m the boss’ look to let me know just how serious he is.
“Yes, Sir. Thank you. I was hoping my injury wouldn’t hurt my position on the team. I love baseball, and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep me on it,” I tell him honestly.
“Your dedication and concern has more than secured your place, son. Now, take it easy and keep training with us only as much as your doctor allows. There’s plenty of the season left after you get that cast off, so don’t stress over it.” Coach stands from behind his desk and walks around to my chair, where I stand to face him.
“Thank you, Coach. I’ll do what is needed.” We shake hands and leave the office together. By the time we are done talking the team is finishing up their exercises. As we enter the weight room I find Cade is waiting for me.
“You boys have a good evening, and I’ll see y’all in the morning.” Cade and I nod at Coach and leave the building, enjoying the cool walk home.
It’s finally Thursday and I can’t wait for this week to be over. After classes are out tomorrow, we are all leaving and heading to Galveston for Spring Break. Mallory’s boyfriend, Keaton, got his parents to let us use the beach house they share with his grandparents. There will be eight of us sharing the house together. Keaton, his best friend, Nathan, and his girlfriend Natalie, will be there before us since they are a lot closer to the house. Stacy, Mal, and I have already loaded our things into the back of Cade’s pickup. The only things we’ll have left to take are our toiletries that we need in the morning.
I think we all need a break from school and Cade and Noel have been busy with ball and classes and I think Stace is beginning to rethink her medical aspirations. Even though I dropped two courses, I still have enough basics classes and music electives to keep my scholarship and stay busy. I really think this trip will do wonders for Noel, too. His arm is healing well, but I’m more worried about him personally. He’s just seemed off the past few weeks, like something is bothering him, but he doesn’t want me to know about it.
I’m studying for one last test in the morning while the guys are at ball practice when Mom calls. “Hey, Sweetie. What have you been up to?” she asks, just a little too chirpy for my taste. I wonder what’s going on. She’s never this cheerful on the phone.
“Hey, Mom. I’m just studying for my last test. That’s about it. What’s going on with you? Is Dad alright?” I listen as she drones on and on about the neighbor’s dogs. She usually doesn’t give those pests a single thought, much less an entire conversation. I’ve zoned out of the story before she finishes.
“Can you believe that?” she asks, completely dismayed at whatever it was she was telling me.
“Wow, really?” That seems to be the best way out of that question, seeing as I have no clue what the last part of her story was about. “What’s Mike up to?” I ask, further distracting her. This is just a weird conversation.
We talk for about ten minutes before she gets to the real reason she called me. “They got all of your test results back from your check up last week.” She stops to wait for me to brace myself for what she has to say, and the silence is deafening.
My stomach suddenly wants to expel everything it’s consumed all day. I’m more than tempted to hang up and pretend my battery died. In fact, I’m one second away from doing just that, when Stacy bursts through the door. Thank coconuts for small, Stacy-sized miracles.
“Crap! Sorry, Mom. Stacy just came in and reminded me I was supposed to help Mallory study for a literature test. I’ll call ya later, okay?” Please, let her believe me and hang up.
“Oh, sure. You just call me later tonight when you are finished, alright?” I agree and end the call, slumping down in my desk chair and laying my head on my textbook.
“What the hell was that all about, hooker? You don’t have to help Mallory. What gives?” she asks accusingly and crosses her arms under her chest. “Why did you ditch your mom like that?”
Groaning to myself, I raise my head and cast my eyes to the floor. Ta
king a deep breath, I look up at her and say, “She called to tell me my test results.”
Stacy drops her arms and sits down at the foot of my bed, right in front of where I sit at my desk. “What did they say?”
“I don’t know. But, she was jabbering away about random useless things and acting too happy and excited about it. I knew it had to be bad, so I got off the phone before she could tell me anything.”
Stacy grabs me in a hug and I hold onto her lightly. “Maybe it’s not as bad as you think. She’s your mom, so maybe it was just that she didn’t want to tell you anything, even if it wasn’t really bad. It could be just that.” Stacy squeezes me briefly and pulls away to hold my hands.
“Maybe, I guess. But I just didn’t want to hear about it right now. Not before break. I just need one week of nothing to deal with.” I look at Stacy’s face feeling defeated. “Is that bad of me?”
“No, it isn’t, but you know you can‘t ignore your mom’s calls for long. You’ll have to talk to her sooner or later, and knowing your mother, it will be sooner.”
“I know you’re right, but she’ll just have to wait until I’m ready to hear it.”
“Okay,” she agrees. “But remember it won’t change anything.” She gives me a sympathetic smile and walks to her closet, grabs her things, and goes to the shower.
I think about everything she’s said, and know she’s referring to Noel. That he doesn’t care what the results say; that he’ll still love me, just the same as now. But, they haven’t thought about me. What if I care about what the results mean for me long term? What if not being able to conceive or carry a child bothers me?
When Stacy comes back into the room, I’m still sitting at my desk, staring at my textbook and contemplating everything that’s happened the last several months. Jeff and Brittney. Classes. My PCOS. Jeff’s explosion. Noel. His accident. My future. Our future. Stacy must think I’m studying, because she doesn’t bother me as she puts on her pajamas and begins to do her own schoolwork.
In all my over-analyzing of those things, I come up with a few things that I’m certain of. First, my feelings for Jeff weren’t what I thought they were. Yes, I cared about him, but I realize now that it wasn’t anything more than that. That’s why I could never get more intimate with him. I’m not into relationships like that, unless I see a future, and I didn’t with Jeff. Everything was just blank around him. If he wanted Brittney, I didn’t care about it.
Second, I let Jeff control me without even knowing it. He influenced the way I dressed, the way I felt and thought about certain things. The way I fixed my hair and makeup, hell, even what I ate. Jeff never even saw the real me. Somehow, he just started making me into whatever it was he wanted. I can’t believe I never saw what he was doing to me. Maybe I was just so determined to forget about my past, that I couldn’t really see the present.
Thirdly, me being an accountant was an absolute joke. Of course, I had the ability to complete the courses, but I just had no desire to become one. It didn’t interest or fascinate me in any form or fashion. I mean, I respected their career choices, but it was definitely not for me.
Fourth, and most importantly, is the fact that I love Noel. It was always him. It could never be anyone else. We’ve had our time apart, and it was the hardest thing for me to do, pretending I was over him and moving on. I never was; never will be. Even with the uncertainties I’m facing since discovering I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, he has never once treated me differently, or pulled away in the slightest. He’s always so strong for me, reminding me whenever he can that he will carry me when I can’t walk on my own. Now, it’s my turn to support him, even if he doesn’t realize how much he needs it.
Being with Noel feels right. He sees me. I feel normal and safe when I’m with him. I feel whole. I know we have so many things to work out with school and my health issues, but I no longer have any doubts we can’t get through them by working together.
I am brought out of my thoughts by a banging on the door that causes me to almost jump out of my chair.
“Holy shitballs!” Stacy jumps from her bed and picks up the book she knocked to the floor when the banging startled us. “Who is knocking this late at night? It’s after ten.” Stacy stomps to the door, her hands landing on her hips as she opens it. “What the…”
Looking over her shoulder, I see Mallory standing in the doorway, grinning like it’s Christmas morning, with two people hanging out behind her. Who on Earth?
Stacy takes a step back out of the way, while Mallory moves to the side and says, “Lookie who I found on my way home from work, as I was walking up to the dorm.”
Standing out of my chair, I move around my bed to see a grinning Noel and Cade entering the room. I find myself in Noel’s open arms before I’m even aware my feet have moved. He lifts me up in the air, his casted arm not seeming to bother him, and my body automatically wraps itself around his. I’m unable to control my emotions and cling to him as if I were holding on for survival. Walking us over a few steps to my bed, Noel sits us down, my legs straddling him. Mallory is talking to Stacy and Cade, but I have no idea what they are saying.
Noel’s injured arm raises to run over my hair, as he holds me with the other. “What’s wrong, baby?” he quietly asks beside my ear. I didn’t think I’d see them again today, since they’ve already been over to load up our bags, and have had late practices all week long.
Squeezing my arms harder around his neck, I shake my head and bury my face further into the crook of his shoulder. I can feel him looking at Stacy, trying to see if she knows what’s wrong with me. But, for the first time in a long time, everything is right.
“We thought we’d drop by and see if you had any last minute things you needed us to put in the truck for the trip,” Cade informs us.
Mallory and Stacy reassure him they have everything they’ll need already in the truck, except for toiletries. Noel leans his head back a bit to look at what he can see of my face, and raises a brow, waiting for my answer.
Shaking my head slightly, I dart my eyes to look at him and whisper, “I don’t need to load anything else tonight,” I take a deep breath and let his scent of sweat and cologne and Noel fill my nostrils and calm me even more.
Feeling a little more collected, I release my hold on him and shift my position in his lap until I am sitting across his legs facing into the room, my head leaning against him. Listening as they talk about what time we leave tomorrow and what our plans are once we arrive, I remain silent and content, enveloped in Noel’s arms.
I nuzzle my nose into his neck and he grips my body until I am held still. “If you keep doing that, I’ll take you out of here and have my way with you,” he says in the sternest, yet quietest voice I’ve ever heard him manage, so that only I can hear him.
“You have a whole week to do that,” I whisper near his own ear, swearing I hear him growl in return.
Before I realize it, it’s time to check the guys out and I find myself wishing we never had to be apart. There’s so much I want to tell him, but tonight is not the right time.
We escort the guys to the lobby to check them out, and Noel pulls me to the side before we make it to the front door. “Is everything alright, Xana? You’ve been really quiet.” He holds me against him, chest to chest, and searches my face for answers.
“I’m okay, great even. Promise.” Reaching up on my toes, I press a kiss to his chin and smile.
Noel raises a hand to my cheek and frowns slightly, “You sure? You really scared me when I came in.”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I was just thinking about you. I love you.” Noel’s frown turns to a small smile and he brings his face to mine in one of the sweetest kisses he’s ever give me.
“Come stay with me,” he whispers, his eyes begging me to go with him.
“I wish, but I need to stay here tonight so I can finish packing the little stuff in the morning. You know that.”
“I know. Doesn’t mean I don’t want you with me anyway,�
� he pauses to press his lips to my forehead. “I love you, too.” He kisses me one last time and leaves the dorm before the resident assistant has to see him out.
Watching him walk away with Cade is hard, but knowing I’ll have a whole week alone with him, makes it a little easier.
The trip to Galveston was long, but we all had a lot of fun, even though we were in Cade’s pickup for over six hours. Stacy, Xana, and Mallory kept us all entertained with their version of pickup karaoke when Stacy took control of the music selections, much to Cade’s dismay. I’m used to Stacy and Xana’s singing in the car, but when Mallory is added to the mix, let’s just say it’s a whole new world with the three of them. Xana was having a good time though, so it really didn’t bother me.
Mallory told us a little more about Keaton and his friends, Nathan and Natalie, who would be joining us. They had all gone to junior and high school together, with the exception of Natalie, and sounded about as crazy as our friends from high school. No wonder we get along so well with Mallory.
It was after ten when we finally made our appearance at the beach house, only having to stop once on the drive there. Keaton had pizza waiting for us since everyone had decided not to eat in the car or make another stop. The girls jumped on that before we had all of the luggage out of the car, leaving Cade and I to fight for our share of dinner.
Midnight came around before we knew it and we called it a night. The only plans made for the next day were to sleep in and have lunch before heading to the beach. Fortunately, since Keaton’s parents and grandparents shared the house, it was fairly large and had more than enough rooms for all of us to use. The fact that they weren’t all too close together was an added bonus. Scooping Xana up from the couch where we were watching television, I begin to make our way down the hall to our assigned room. Cade and Stacy were on the other end of the hall, and the others were upstairs.
Xana lifts one arm from my neck and opens the door for me. Carrying her over the threshold, I kick it shut behind us and walk to the bed where I stand her on her feet. “Do you need to shower now or in the morning?” I ask as she continues to rest her head on my chest.