Child Bride

by Jennifer Smith Turner

  “I know. Phyllis told me.”

  “Why’re you here?”

  “I needed to see you.”

  “Why! You think I need more pain?”

  “I’m sorry, Nell. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “But you did.”

  “Phyllis thought it was best for me to leave. She could see we were too involved with each other; she knew there couldn’t be a good outcome. So she pulled me aside one day and said it’d be best for everyone if I left you alone. I didn’t want to, Nell. But she was right.”

  “You didn’t just leave. You took what you wanted first.”

  “I’m sorry. I should’ve controlled myself, I know. But … I’ve missed you. My insides ache to be near you. I think about you all the time. From the first moment I saw you, my heart began to sing. I love you, Nell. But I didn’t have that right, still don’t. Still, once I heard about the baby I knew what I had to do. Taking care of our child is my responsibility, and so is taking care of you. That’s why I’m here. Will you let me?”

  “Let you? I don’t know what that means. Look at her. She’s barely alive, sucking air that’s bumped into her tiny body. Torturous anguish courses through me every second because of what I’ve done and what it’ll mean for this little one and the other children. Our love, if that’s what it is, is too fraught with pain.”

  He pulled up a chair and sat close to me. Leaning against my back, he reached into Lilly’s incubator to rub her hand. She twitched and gurgled in response.

  “You’ll see, Nell, I will care for you and our child,” he said before he left.

  After that day I let hope build a little flame inside my soul. It was just a tiny ember, like the tip of a cigarette after the smoker has taken the last drag and the filter is the only thing left to signal that the whole cigarette once existed. I had a lot of time to think while I healed in the hospital. In between the children’s visits, time with Lilly, and interruptions by the nurses, which always seemed to happen just at the moment I dozed off, all I did was think about the mess my life had become. How could I ever explain all of this to Momma? I hadn’t written to her in a long time. What would I say? “Dear Momma, I made a terrible mistake, and now you have another grandbaby, but the blood running through her veins does not belong to Henry.”

  When the tubes were finally removed from Lilly’s mouth and nose, when the nurses said it would be all right for her to begin life outside of her plastic capsule, they brought her to my room in a crib, so I could take care of her until we were both ready to leave. I would have stayed right there in the hospital room until Lilly was a grown woman, if they’d let me.

  Teddy wanted to hold Lilly during his next visit, but he was too young and she too little. I let him sit beside me on the bed instead, while I nestled Lilly on my chest and he held onto her arm. The other children clustered at the foot of the bed and watched as though they were the audience of a short movie unfolding before their eyes. I wanted Junior and April to touch Lilly and hug me, but they weren’t interested. As soon as visiting time was over, they dashed out the door looking for Henry, while Teddy lingered on the bed until we heard Henry holler, “Teddy, let’s go.”

  In my alone time, I kept hearing Charles’s voice at the door. But he never visited me again.

  We went home on a Wednesday. It had taken three weeks for me to recover from the difficult birth, for the fever to completely subside, for me to regain my strength and hold my head up on my own. The nurse wheeled Lilly and me to the outside door, and a cab driver helped us into his taxi. “Don’t you have any family, Miss?” he asked. “What with a new baby and all.”

  “I want to surprise everyone.”

  We rode in silence. When we arrived at the house, it was empty. The children were in school, the youngest staying with friends, and Henry was at work. It didn’t feel as though I were coming home but rather as though I were entering unknown territory in a foreign land, where I didn’t have command of the language. I wanted to get my new baby girl settled in our home, but I wasn’t sure how.

  I reached out to Phyllis as soon as I got home. She’d been too busy to visit me in the hospital. “We won’t be seeing much of one another any longer,” she announced when I tried to strike up a phone conversation.

  “But, Phyllis, I’ll be in church. I’ll see you and the other ladies there.”

  “Perhaps it’ll be too difficult for you to attend church, what with such a large family.”

  “But …”

  “Listen to me, Nell. I’m not saying I know exactly what happened, or if God would approve or disapprove of what you’ve done. It’s not my place to make such judgments. And the fact is I’m not too happy with Henry either, so I’m not thinking about him—I struggle every day to find forgiveness for that man. As for Charles, well, frankly I thought better of him than this. But I am thinking about you. You may believe you’re in love—maybe Charles said he loved you—but you have a husband. You need to ask the Lord for forgiveness. While God may forgive you, I’m not sure about the congregation. And you must figure out how you and Henry can continue to be together, given all of this. If you don’t want to stay with Henry, then what? What about Junior, April, and Teddy? You’ve made a mess, Nell. I’ll pray for you. Take care of yourself.”

  When Henry came home, I was in the kitchen, breast-feeding Lilly. He shouted, “Don’t ever do that where I have to see it! Get out of my sight.” I went upstairs to the bathroom.

  The next day when Henry came home from work, he said, “You have to leave.”

  “What?”

  “I can’t look at you or it. You have to leave,” he said again.

  “Henry, I have no place to go.”

  “Phyllis’ll be here soon. She’s made arrangements.” He sat down to clean his shoes.

  A car stopped in front of the house. Phyllis, another church lady, and a woman I didn’t recognize walked to the door.

  Henry let them in and said, “Her things are over there.” I hadn’t noticed the two suitcases in the living room.

  “Phyllis, what’s going on?” I asked.

  “Nell, you have to come with us. We have a place for you.”

  “I don’t need a place. This is my home.”

  “Not any longer!” Henry shouted.

  I turned to Phyllis. “It’s for the best. Let’s go,” she said.

  “No!” I screamed, and backed away from the door.

  Henry grabbed my arm and shoved me. “Get out,” he said.

  “Henry, I’m sorry. I don’t want to leave,” I begged him. “This is my home. My children need me.”

  “Too late for sorry. I can’t live with you,” he barked back.

  “What about the children—who’ll care for them?”

  “I’ve made arrangements. The church ladies’ll help—Phyllis worked it out.”

  “Phyllis, how could you?” I screamed into her face. “I thought you were my friend.”

  “It’s better this way, Nell, for everyone. You may not see it, but I’m being a good friend right now.” Phyllis looked from Henry to me.

  “This can’t be happening. Where do I go?”

  “To my home,” the third woman said. “I’m Charles’s mother, Catherine. I live all alone since my husband of forty years died and Charles moved out to finish his studies. I have a nice room for you and the baby, my grandchild.”

  She held out her hands to take Lilly from me, but I pulled away. “No!” I shouted.

  “Nell, this is what Charles arranged,” Phyllis whispered to me, with her back to Henry. “He convinced his mother to open her home to you. You’ll be safe there, and Lilly will be loved. Given the situation, it’s best.”

  I stared at her and saw the same fear in her eyes that I’d been holding in my belly since I walked into the house from the hospital. “The other children?” I asked.

  “I’ll make sure you see them on a regular basis. We need to go now,” Phyllis said with urgency in her voice.

  I looked over my
shoulder at Henry, who was absorbed in polishing his shoes. My head was spinning. There were things I needed to do—prepare dinner for the children, pick ripe vegetables from the garden before they died on the vine, clean up the kitchen, fold clothes I’d left on the kitchen table, iron Henry’s shirts for work and church. Phyllis tugged me. The screen-door banged shut as we walked down the steps to the car.

  Lilly was nestled in my lap, wrapped in the pink blanket from her crib. My throat tightened when she looked at me with the same accepting expression on her face that she’d worn since the day she was born. An emptiness began to settle in my chest. It felt like a heavy vice squeezing my heart. Our reflection in the car’s window was mixed with the city streets as we passed from the thickly settled, inner-city communities to the beginnings of the black suburbs, nestled just before the boundary of the all-white area. I thought about the bus ride, years ago now, with Henry. I’d been full of excitement and anticipation then, setting out on my first adventure, not sure of what would happen but content that I’d have a life as interesting as the characters in my books. The face that looked back at me today was not who I’d thought would emerge.

  I began to wonder what Henry would say to the other children. As if reading my mind Phyllis said over her shoulder, “He told Junior, April, and Teddy that you’re not well. You and Lilly need special care for a while.”

  “I don’t know if I should thank you or hate you,” I mumbled, more to myself than to her. “You can decide to hate me if that’s what you need to do. One day you will thank me.” We rode in silence until Catherine pulled into the driveway of the house that would become my sanctuary.

  Once inside, Phyllis dropped my bags in the hallway and said, “I’ll be praying for you.” She turned and left me standing there with Charles’s mother.

  “I know this must be unsettling for you,” Catherine said. “It is for me too. But Charles convinced me that knowing my grandchild was important, in spite of the circumstances.”

  “When will he be here?” I asked.

  “There are some things we need to discuss,” she replied. “Let’s sit in the living room.”

  “When will I see Charles?”

  “Nell, you won’t be seeing Charles. That’s what we need to talk about.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “When I agreed to accept what happened and open my home to you, I did so with stipulations that Charles agreed to.”

  “Stipulations?”

  “I want my son to have a full life, to finish his studies and begin his professional career as a lawyer. It’ll take work and focus. I don’t want him distracted. The agreement is that he will stay away from you and Lilly. You can live here and be safe, I’ll get to know my grandchild, and when he’s gotten his law degree, then he can decide on the next steps. But until then, I won’t let him give up his life because of an affair.”

  “But …”

  “You can accept these terms or go back to your husband. Now I’d like to hold my grandchild.” She reached to take Lilly out of my arms.

  I pulled away and backed against the wall.

  “You have to decide, Nell,” Catherine said with a steely look in her eyes.

  Suddenly it felt as though I were hovering above the room, looking down at myself, Catherine, and Lilly. In an out-of-body state, I watched the scene like an interloper and saw the young mother’s arms unfurl and Lilly slide from her to Catherine. The woman’s eyes followed the grandmother as she walked away with Lilly and said over her shoulder, “Your room is up the stairs to the left. Take your things there.” I continued to gaze at the figure below, which was me but couldn’t be me, as she slowly pulled herself up the stairs and stood in the room that was to be her new home.

  Another time, with a different set of eyes, I would have admired everything about the house and my bedroom. No black families I knew lived in homes with spacious rooms, large curtained windows, thick furniture covered in elegant pillows. But all I could see at the moment were my empty arms. In time I’d learn to appreciate these new surroundings; I’d come to understand that Phyllis had indeed been a good friend, that she’d probably saved my life, that Catherine’s decision to open her home to me was an important turning point in spite of her stipulations concerning Charles, that the woman I’d eventually become was being formed in that bedroom the day I realized I’d lost my family. In the distance I could hear Catherine talking to Lilly in the baby sounds adults make to little ones. I couldn’t acknowledge it then, but now I realize that those were sounds of a grandmother’s love.

  A phone rang somewhere downstairs. Catherine spoke in a hushed voice for a few minutes and then called up to me. “Nell, it’s for you.”

  At the bottom of the stairs I found Catherine holding Lilly. She pointed to a small table in the alcove beneath the staircase where the phone receiver rested on its side.

  “Who is it?” I asked.

  “Your mother.”

  I froze.

  “Nell, don’t keep her waiting.” Catherine held the phone out to me.

  I stared at it as if it were a deadly creature being handed to me. With trembling hands I took the phone from Catherine and held it to my ear. “Momma,” I said. “Is that you?”

  “Baby Girl, it’s me.”

  “Momma, I’m sorry.” Tightness choked my chest; my legs became weak. I fell into the chair by the phone table and rocked back and forth, repeating over and over, “I’m sorry.”

  “Hush,” Momma said. “Listen to me. Henry phoned to tell me what happened. The nerve of that man! To think for a moment I’d turn on my Baby Girl for him. I’m not happy about what you’ve done. But you my child, and I’ll always love you and be there for you. Do you understand?”

  “Yes,” I said between gasps for breath.

  “And I intend to know my new grandchild, so don’t even think about keeping her away from me. Understand?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “This woman, Catherine, she’s the man’s mother? And she’s looking after you and Lilly? Are you safe there?”

  “I think so.”

  “And what about him, the father?”

  “Charles? I’m not allowed to see him. That’s the agreement for me staying here.”

  “And the other children? Where’re they?”

  “With Henry. Phyllis will bring them to visit once a week. At least for now.”

  “You need to gather all of my grandbabies and keep them with you.”

  “I don’t know how, Momma. I have nothing. I’m so beholden to others. I’ve made a mess.”

  “Stop that whining! You think you’re the first woman to make a mistake, the first woman to step out on her husband, the first to make a love-child? I know what that’s about.”

  “Momma! What’re you saying?”

  “You never mind—just pull yourself together. There’re things that need doing, and you’re strong enough to handle it. You could come back home, but I’m guessing you don’t want to live on the farm again. I’ve decided to send Robert to you. When he gets there, the two of you can figure out how to bring your family together. He can deal with Henry. You focus on the children. In times of trouble, a mother pulls her little ones around her and protects them like a collection of ducklings in the river. Now let’s say a prayer for forgiveness.”

  With a bowed head I listened as Momma prayed. With every word she spoke to the Lord, a welcome calm spread throughout my body. We said “Amen” in unison, and then Momma said, “Let me speak with Catherine. Take care, Baby Girl, I love you.”

  “Love you too, Momma.”

  I handed the phone to Catherine. She listened to whatever Momma was telling her, but she didn’t say anything in response, just nodded and stared at Lilly, who was fidgeting in her arms. Her expression changed during the ten minutes on the phone from that of a woman in charge of her home, who had begrudgingly opened her doors to an uninvited guest, to a woman taken aback by being put in her place by a stranger who lived a cultural lifetime a
way. When she hung up, she said, “Your mother is a smart woman. I look forward to meeting your older brother. Apparently he’ll be here in two weeks.”

  I wanted to know what Momma had said to her. Catherine looked as though she were trying to absorb Momma’s words and to decide how to view me in light of whatever she’d said. Momma wasn’t one to speak in a stern voice to others. She was always gentle but subtle in her admonishment when she thought a child or adult had crossed her invisible line of acceptable behavior. She’d probably told Catherine about the importance of family. Even though Lilly had appeared in the world in less than desirable circumstances, Momma would want Catherine to appreciate the bond they had—two grandmothers charged with taking care of a new baby and mother. I was certain Momma had explained that she expected me to be safe, hence Robert being sent up North as soon as possible. I thought about something Daddy had said just before I left Louisiana after my wedding: “Remember, Baby Girl, you have family. No matter how far away you may travel, a person who has family is never alone.”

  I held Catherine’s gaze as though we were two boxing opponents facing off before a title fight, until Lilly’s needy baby sounds softened our intensity.

  “I should give you a proper welcome and a tour of my home,” Catherine said as she handed Lilly to me with a flourish, as if to emphasize that we’d be sharing her from now on.

  I followed at her heels as she began to walk through each room of the house. She stopped at the fireplace in the living room to show me pictures of Charles from when he was a baby, from his military time, then college graduation photograph, and one of Charles with his father. Holding a picture of Charles in a football uniform, she said to Lilly, “This is your father.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  IT WAS SUNDAY AFTERNOON, AND I’D PREPARED A special dinner; I thought it was the least I could do for the kindness Catherine had shown me and the children. She’d invited me to make myself at home, after her conversation with Momma a week ago. When she left for church, I explored the kitchen to see what I could prepare. There I found all the fixings for fried chicken, greens, rice, and gravy. In the midst of cooking I began to think about Sundays in Momma’s kitchen. It warmed my heart to remember the smell of cooking grease, fresh rolls in the oven, the sounds of little ones running out of the way of adults, and Momma giving her directions to everyone. At times it felt as if I were becoming Momma—as long as I didn’t examine my current situation too closely.