Alone hadn’t bothered me for a long time, until now. I didn’t want to miss Jack, but I already did. As hard as I’d fought to keep that wall up, Jack had found a crack. The more time I spent with him, the more I wanted from him. It was dangerous and foolish, and the only way to stop it was to not be around him any more than I had to. I bypassed the last couple of not random meetings in the cafeteria to lessen the inevitable blow. My love life consisted of sharing a nightly Kit Kat with my childhood crush, and I hated knowing even that was ending soon. I’d gotten too attached and needed to let go.
“I have a surprise for you.” Jack quirked a brow as he made his way toward me. “Come sit with me,” he whispered. He nodded back to the steel bench.
“I … um,” I stammered, trying to find the best way to say no. Peering into Jack’s baby blues, no was the last thing I wanted to tell him, but my focus was on self-preservation as I prepped for his departure.
“Please,” he rasped. A sad smile curved his lips. “Don’t stand me up again. Sit.”
Silently, I complied, and I slid onto the bench, trying with all I had to ignore my growing attraction to this man. Jack was permanent forbidden fruit, first as my older brother’s friend, then as my patient on his way out of treatment. Jack may’ve been close enough to touch, but way out of my reach.
A bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms plopped into my lap as soon as I sat down.
“Where did you get these? The vending machine has been out for months.” I picked up the package and studied it—anything to not look at the beaming smile in my peripheral vision. Jack was like an eclipse; he blinded me if I stared at him too long.
“Connection from the outside.” He winked, pulling a chuckle from me. “When my sister and Dylan came up, I asked her to pick up a couple of bags for me.” His arm grazed my shoulder as it extended across the back of the bench, and I hoped he didn’t notice the path of goose bumps down the back of my neck.
“Thank you.” I ripped open the bag and fished for a piece of candy, still trying not to look directly at him. “Feeling a little bit better about the secret?”
“I guess.” Jack stole an M&M. “For my sister’s sake, I’m trying to roll with it. I’m not thrilled, but as pissed at him as I was, I know Dylan is a good guy and wouldn’t hurt her.”
“You’re taking it well. I’m impressed.” I leaned back on the bench and then jerked forward when my shoulder brushed Jack’s arm.
He shrugged. “Not taking it well would cause a rift between my sister and me, and I’d hate that. Besides, he’s not the first guy to notice his friend’s little sister.” He scooted closer to me. “It happens.”
I searched his face, unable to deny the heat in his stare. Maybe I should be grateful that whatever this was would be ending soon. I twisted the top of the bag and shoved it into my purse.
“I should get going—” Jack grabbed my arm before I could stand.
“I was thinking, maybe after I get sprung,”—the corners of his mouth twitched— “either I could come here and meet you in the park up the road, or you can come down to the Bronx for a weekend. Keep me on task.”
I rolled my eyes. “Jack, you know every exercise inside and out. You don’t need me.”
“I won’t work as hard if you’re not there. I still need you to kick my ass. Come on.” He nudged my shoulder with his. “Say yes.”
I exhaled as I turned to face him. “Look, you’re doing fine on your own. You probably don’t need me, at all, even now—”
I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t feel Jack’s hand cup the back of my neck and tangle in my hair. Everything was a blur until his mouth covered mine. Jack was kissing me. Me. I’d imagined it a ton of different ways, both as a kid and especially over the past few weeks, but the reality blew my mind. My body stiffened, then I melted into him with a soft sigh. His tongue flicked the seam of my lips, making them part on a moan. Jack kissed the way he did everything else: with toe-curling passion and determination. I couldn’t remember how it felt to be kissed by someone who really wanted to kiss me, not just peck me in passing out of obligation. The want radiating off him mirrored my own. He framed my face as our lips slowed, his thumbs drifting back and forth over my cheekbones.
I’d just had the best kiss of my life, and I didn’t know what the hell do to with it.
“How about I ask you again, and you’ll actually understand what I mean?” He cradled my cheek, his blue eyes dark and focused on me. “Tell me you don’t feel this.”
“I …” I dropped my eyes to the ground. Of course, I felt it. I felt everything. But, I couldn’t give in to it. I’d already pushed things too far. If I truly gave in, it would hurt all the more when the spell wore off.
I reached up to touch his wrist. “Yes, but—”
“Well, that’s all that matters, isn’t it?” His mouth covered mine again, and I lost my resolve to fight. His lips moved softly, this time, exploring rather than only taking. I whimpered when his tongue curled with mine, taking long licks inside my mouth as if he were savoring the taste of me—and he couldn’t get enough. My professional and personal scruples evaporated into the ether when I clutched the back of his neck and pulled him closer.
“Those lips are amazing,” Jack murmured, still kissing me. “I could kiss you all night.”
We broke apart, my head falling into his chest as my frazzled brain tried to make sense of what just happened. I needed to leave before my inhibitions took us too far, although too far was five minutes ago. Now, I was somewhere between inappropriate and just plain screwed.
“I should go home.” I lifted my head, taking in the lust and want in Jack’s eyes as they seared into me. He nodded as he grazed my bottom lip with his thumb.
“It’s getting late …” I trailed off when his lips brushed my cheek. “And I should …” More kisses down my neck. Why wasn’t I stopping him? When his teeth grazed the tip of my earlobe, my limbs melted into jelly. My shaking hands pushed off the bench, my wobbling knees making me stumble.
“Um, goodnight,” I blurted before turning to sprint to my car. Being in his presence, right now, was more than I could handle. Jack grabbed my wrist, thwarting my quick escape.
“Enjoy the M&Ms.” He pulled me in for a light, but lingering peck on my lips. “I have more, but we’ll save those. I have to make sure you come back.”
I backed away, my head nodding like a bobblehead, my lips too drunk on Jack to form any words.
My legs went on autopilot until I stepped into my car and started the engine. I ran my fingers over my swollen lips.
I couldn’t do this. I wanted to. God, I wanted to so bad my toes tingled, and my fingertips pulsed. But he didn’t want me. Not really. He needed his crutch.
But how good did it feel to be needed? To be wanted? Everything about Jack was intoxicating.
Starting something with Jack would be a disaster, but I didn’t know how to stop.
21
PJ
"PJ! How's it going, sweetheart?"
Tommy, the owner of the probably only non-Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts coffee shop in the Bronx, yelled to me as I pushed open the door. I'd been coming here since I was a kid, and it'd been my favorite place ever since. It was always homey, unassuming, and no one stared at me as I sat in the corner and drew my heart out.
"Good, Tom. Thanks." I gave him a big smile as I sauntered to the counter. "My usual, please."
"Iced coffee, black." He cocked his head to the side. "Like I'd forget, even though you don't come around as much anymore." His chin jutted to the digital sketch pad Dylan bought me for my birthday. "Finding inspiration elsewhere?" He raised a brow as he handed me the cup.
"Maybe …" I laughed to cover the twinge in my gut. I wanted to say, scream rather, that I was in love, but until my parents knew, I couldn't scream to anyone.
Tommy was a nice guy, around my father's age I guessed, although he was much shorter and stockier. And my dad still had a full head of hair, even though he’d gained a touch more gr
ay with each passing year. Tommy also had the loosest lips in the borough, and Dad liked the coffee here, too. As big of a city as this was, my neighborhood thrived on small town gossip.
I planted myself at my usual table in the corner and scanned the room. Tommy's offered the best people watching. Even if I couldn't hear their conversations, I felt it. Lovers sneaking off, about to break up, or completely checked out on each other—the sentiments were still evident without overhearing any words. I enjoyed making up stories in my head when I reviewed the sketches later on.
The shop was still empty other than Tommy and me, so I sketched from memory. Dylan, shirtless and sound asleep on his bed. We still hadn't had sex yet, but we'd done everything but. Although we talked about all the reasons he was holding us back over and over again, a nagging feeling kept whispering to me that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't as invested in us as I’d thought, but I’d blink that thought away as soon as it surfaced. Of course, the longer we didn't have sex, the more I considered the awful possibility. Blinking had stopped working a week ago.
The bell jingled above the door as a couple strolled in and sat at a table in the front. I squinted to get a closer look, and my stomach bottomed out. Dylan and his ex-girlfriend, Jeannine, huddled over the table top, speaking in whispers. I sat, frozen, as my eyes stayed glued to every move they made. Another great thing about this table was that although no one could see me, I saw everything. I inched off my seat, almost in slow motion, as I crept over, settling at the table behind them unnoticed.
"I still don't know why you can't return a text," Jeannine whined as she glided her finger over Dylan's forearm. His back was facing me, and she didn't notice my eyes boring into her. To my relief, he jerked it away, but I still hated every bit of what I was seeing.
"Why couldn't you come to my apartment to get it? You remember where I live, right?" She batted her long, beautiful eyelashes at Dylan.
Because he’s with me. That’s why.
I wanted to scream it out loud, claim the man I loved in front of his ex-girlfriend, the three people that stumbled into the coffee shop, and everyone on the sidewalk. He. Was. Mine. Holding it in was nudging me toward madness, inch by inch.
"Because I don't want to talk to you, but you insist I left stuff at your place months ago. Just give it to me, and we can be done."
Every time I’d seen him during the fifteen months he was with her—not that I was counting—I was reminded of how she was everything I wasn't. Gorgeous, tall, an adult. Compared to anyone, I was tiny, but gazing at her and Dylan, I was an insignificant kind of small. The insecurities swirling around in my head compounded the pressure of keeping what I had with Dylan a secret were messing with my sanity.
My coffee tasted like battery acid as I forced a gulp down my throat. I was still a kid. A teenager. He'd been with gorgeous women like Jeannine, so why would he want to have sex with me?
"I heard you're with someone," Jeannine taunted. "A little bit of a thing with auburn hair. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were with Jack's little sister." Her head fell back as she cackled.
Tell her, Dylan, my insides cried out, as if he could somehow hear. Tell her you're with me and you love me. Say it!
I no longer cared if the grapevine led right to my parents. I wanted him to say I was his in front of everyone, or at least someone.
"Who I'm with is none of your damn business," he clipped in exasperation as he held out his hand. "Give me the bag of whatever it is you insisted I have back so I can get on with my day."
"PJ, since when do you leave your table?" Tommy laughed as he nudged my shoulder. It was loud enough for Dylan to whip his head around at the sound of my name. His eyes widened as they locked with mine, his shoulders stiffening as he probably realized I'd heard every word.
"I'm gonna go, Tom." I grabbed my coffee and pad and jumped up from the table so fast the chair screeched under me. "I promise I'll come back in soon."
Racing outside before the sobs started, I got as far as the corner before Dylan grabbed my wrist and spun me around.
"Look at me," he commanded, but I wouldn't.
"I don't want you to see me like this. Just let me go," I pleaded but his hold wouldn't budge.
"No, baby. Not happening. I don't know what you thought you saw. She insisted—"
"I know nothing is going on. You don't have to explain." I kept my gaze on the ground until he took my face in his hands.
"So why are you running from me, sweet girl?" The hint of a smile danced across his lips and I almost slumped against him. I loved him so much. Too much. What the hell was I letting happen to me? I was becoming the spineless, needy girl I never wanted to be.
"Why couldn't you say it was true? That you were with me? Why won’t you have sex with me? Are you …” I gulped, willing the tears back into my eyes so I could speak. "Are you ashamed … of me?”
Dylan’s eyes widened as he shook his head. “What? No! PJ, are you kidding me? I love you, you know that. I love you more than I know how to handle, but I told you, I'm trying to do this right." He stepped closer and enveloped me into his arms. "Do you really think it's not killing me? To not be inside you every time I'm with you?"
"You can be," I breathed, my voice laced with desperation. "I want you. I want it to be you." My eyes darted from his. "Maybe I'm not what you're used to. I'm not enough."
He laughed and drew me closer.
"Patricia, you're definitely not what I'm used to, and you're not enough. You're way more than enough. You're so past enough that it hurts to look at you sometimes. Thinking of you anywhere but with me drives me out of my skull. And ..." He sifted his hand into my hair and grabbed a fistful to make me look up. "It will be me. And no one else after. Ever. Got it?"
I laughed until I spotted Jeannine gawking at us over Dylan's shoulder.
"Um, Dylan." I jutted my chin to where she was standing. "She's watching."
I gasped when he pulled me toward him by my waist.
"Good."
Before I knew it, his mouth was on mine and the only thing I could do was kiss him back just as hard. My heart burst as butterflies took flight in my stomach—some ecstatic, some terrified.
The rumor mill was lit, and if we didn't want everything to implode around us, we needed to get ahead of it before it got to my parents.
Easy enough, right?
22
Dylan
“Are you sure you don’t want to go anywhere tonight? It’s early.”
PJ shrugged as I drove down the corner down our block. “I’m a little tired. I just want to relax tonight with you.” She dropped her head onto my shoulder with an easy smile. This was the happiest she’d been in a couple of days, and I wanted to believe there was nothing behind the sexy grin as she cuddled next to me over the console.
“Your wish is my command.” I turned my head to give her a quick peck on the lips before we stepped out of my truck. I glanced over at the Garcias’ house and walked at a quicker pace once I noticed the lights on. They wouldn’t look for PJ here and wouldn’t pay any mind to me coming and going, but even I knew our luck was running toward empty.
PJ launched herself at me the second I shut the door behind us. She rubbed that sweet, curvy body against me and ran her hands all over me. In less than five minutes, I was hard as a fucking rock and worried I didn’t have enough blood left in my brain to make the right decisions tonight. Each night “right” was slipping away from me and fighting any longer seemed like a pointless exercise in futility. I wanted this girl more than I wanted oxygen, but I needed to prove to her she was special to me, not some fling like Jack had suggested.
When we fell back on my couch, I pushed myself off of my girlfriend and dropped my head into my hands. Each time we were together, my resolve chipped away. Still, I’d managed to stop in the nick of time before my willpower dissipated into the ether.
“Please, baby,” I panted as she trailed wet kisses down my chest until she arrived at the waistband of my jeans.
Her mouth, that soft wet mouth that I wanted to taste before she wrapped it around my aching cock and sucked, twisted in a wry grin as she straightened to peel her top off.
“What … PJ … you’re …” I stammered, trying to speak and not swallow my tongue at the same time.
She gave me an innocent shrug. “With the new painting class I’m assisting with on Tuesdays, I went to Victoria’s Secret and I thought I’d treat myself with the extra cash.” She trailed the tips of her fingers over the black lace cups of a bra that pushed her breasts up so high, the swells spilled over the cups. My girl was gorgeous and curvy all on her own but the sight of her in this bra was almost too much to take. My eyes ate up every sexy as fuck inch before she stood, unbuttoned her shorts, and kicked them off.
“I got the matching thong too. You like?” She twirled around, her auburn hair swaying off her shoulders and spilling down her back. Could a person black out from being too turned on? Up until this moment, with the girl I loved almost naked before me, so sexy and so goddamn beautiful it hurt, I wouldn’t have thought so.
“Like?” I choked out. “I fucking love. I’m the luckiest bastard on the planet.” I popped off my couch and cupped her neck, pulling her in for a voracious kiss. “And you’re a sneak.” She laughed against my lips, as I finally figured out why she was so damn adamant to have dinner at my apartment.
“Listen,” I cradled her cheek and ran my thumb along her jaw. “We’ve gone at lightning speed this summer, and I’m okay with that, but … this … I love you, and I need to make sure you’re ready.”
Her eyes softened as she took my hand in hers and pressed a kiss to my palm, right before pushing it into her panties. My knees almost gave out at how wet she was for me—only me.
“I’m ready. I need you and I love you. Don’t make us wait any long—”
Between the longing in her eyes and feeling her soaked and swollen against my hand, my resolve shattered into a million pieces.
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