Think Twice

by Stephanie Rose

  “Since I haven’t had five minutes with my Peanut since she graduated. Mom told me you were teaching tonight, and I left work early for a class and dinner with my other best girl. Feel like pizza with your old man?”

  A slow smile lifted my cheeks as I nodded. I’d missed my father. I’d been avoiding him, reasoning that I needed to tell him and Mom about Dylan and me at the same time, hoping that she would be my buffer. But, again, that was the chickenshit way out. I could tell Mom first, but it would make it to Dad, and peering up at him now, his eyes shimmering with love for his only daughter, my heart couldn’t do it. He was going to be disappointed in me for the first time in my life, and it would be awful. I was the biggest hypocrite, wanting everyone to know about us except the other most important man in my life.

  “I’ll tell Ryan I have a ride and meet you outside.”

  “And I’ll put this in the car. I’ll hang it up at work and watch the guys blow smoke up my ass that this piece of shit is awesome because I’m their chief.” He winked, and I burst out laughing.

  “It’s not shit, Dad. You have nice reflections.” I drifted my finger over the shadowed trees in the water.

  “It’s shit. Nothing like what my talented daughter paints.” He planted a kiss on my temple and made his way outside. He was so proud and full of love, I couldn’t pull the plug on that. At least not, yet. “Peanut” was a baby name I yearned to outgrow, but tonight, as we strolled to the restaurant next door to the studio, Dad’s arm wrapped around my shoulders as I leaned against him, I dreaded when I’d have to let it go.

  “Jack told you about Danielle?” Dad asked after we sat down and ordered.

  “His therapist? Yeah, anybody but Marina is an upgrade to me.” I sipped my water and shrugged. “Although isn’t there a rule against dating your therapist while you’re there?”

  “He’s almost out, and I remember Danielle as a sweet little girl. It’s funny how her brother was Jack’s friend.” He chuckled and thanked the waitress when she set our pizza on the table.

  I took a slice but froze. “Why is that funny?”

  “All the kids got thrown together, but she was too young for him to notice back then. Her brother was a good kid, too. I’m not sure if you’d remember Kyle; you were little when they moved.”

  “I remember Kyle. I wasn’t that little.” My words were clipped and defensive, my heart racing for a reason I couldn’t pinpoint.

  “She was only a couple of years younger than they were. It’s not like you dating one of Jack’s friends.” His chest rumbled with a laugh, and I almost choked on a mouthful of pizza.

  “You okay, Peanut?” Dad reached across the table and patted my back as I coughed.

  “Fine, just hotter than I thought, and it went down the wrong way. What would be different? About me dating Kyle?” I couldn’t even use Dylan in the hypothetical.

  He fell back into his chair and glared at me as if I had grown a second head. “PJ, you’re only eighteen, there’s almost a decade between you and your brother. The only way I’d approve of you and one of Jack’s friends is if I were dead.” He laughed again, hearty and loud—causing my stomach to bottom out down to my knees. Sure, he was laughing, but I knew he wasn’t kidding.

  “So tell me, why don’t you want to go to San Diego anymore?” His broad smile faded as he rested his elbows on the table.

  “School of Visual Arts is a great school with basically the same program as I was looking into in San Diego. Like you kept saying, everything I was looking for just a train ride away from home.”

  He cocked his head from side to side. “Yes, but you were so adamant about it for so long, and all of a sudden, you’re staying here. Why the change of heart, Peanut?”

  If Dad called me Peanut one more time, I’d burst into tears. “I thought you’d be happy.” I threw my napkin on the table and crossed my arms.

  “I am. Of course. I hated the idea of you moving across the country but I’d deal with it if it was what you wanted. You can talk to me, you know? About anything. I feel like you’re already drifting away from me this summer. What’s going on, Patricia Jane?”

  “Nothing, Dad. It’s been a busy summer, and I didn’t want to go away. I’d miss home too much, and college is hard enough to get used to. I’d rather go home and sleep in my own bed at night.”

  Or go to Dylan’s home and sleep in his bed and not put an entire country between us since I had only been planning to do that to prove a point, not because I’d ever really wanted to go.

  “All right.” He held up his hands. “I’ll drop it, but I wanted to make sure.” He reached across the table, his hand covering mine before he gave it a squeeze. “I’m glad we did this.”

  “Me too,” I choked out. My father had been everything to me for my entire life. A big, lionhearted man who lived for his family. He was on point; I had drifted away from him on purpose because I couldn’t be honest with him. They say lies snowball. Lies of omission do the same, only bigger and more painful. The longer you go without saying the truth, the worse it’ll be when it comes out.

  This snowball of omission was about to tear a rift between my father and me, and no matter how and when the truth came out, there would be nothing I could do but watch it happen.

  25

  Dylan

  “You don’t have to lie.” PJ’s lips pursed in an adorable smirk as she brushed the wet curls off her forehead. We were drenched from getting caught in a downpour. It was a gloomy, cooler-than-usual August Sunday, and she suggested we spend the afternoon at a museum in Manhattan. I agreed, even though my last trip to a museum had probably been around the fourth grade.

  “I’m not lying.” I held the door open for her to step into a diner we spotted through the buckets of rain. She laughed and shook her head as she walked through, her soaked T-shirt and jean shorts clinging to every curve and making my own pants tight. All I could think about was peeling them off of her, and I wished we’d driven down instead of taking the subway.

  The hostess led us to a booth, and I slid in beside her instead of across.

  “Okay.” I stretched my arm along the cracked vinyl cushion behind her. “Art isn’t usually my thing, but I still thought it was cool. Especially, when you explained everything.” I nuzzled her hair and kissed her cheek.

  PJ elbowed my side with a giggle. “Is that your nice way of saying I bored you?”

  “Never. Your excitement is sexy.” I cupped her cheek, gliding my thumb along her beautiful jaw. “I liked seeing you in your element.” It was a half-truth. I loved watching her eyes light up at all the paintings and sculptures and when she’d tell me about a technique she recognized, but it all made me wonder what I had to offer her. I doubted taking her to one of our construction sites would be that exciting.

  “I was the only kid who asked for art books for Christmas instead of toys. Well, you know that. Jack always found the best ones. I doubt I’ll ever be that good, but I’m excited to learn.”

  I pulled her closer. “You’re already amazing. You’ll blow them all away.”

  A laugh bubbled from her chest before she cradled my face. “I think you’re my biggest fan.”

  “Always,” I whispered before pulling her in for a kiss.

  “Dylan? Holy shit!”

  We jerked apart when I turned to the familiar voice behind me.

  “Kevin? Holy shit is right.” I stood to shake his hand. Kevin was a high school friend of Jack and mine but I hadn’t seen him since we all went our separate ways for college.

  “Funny seeing you here.” He glanced over my shoulder with a puzzled glare. “I don’t mean to stare at your girl, but she looks familiar.”

  “Hi, Kevin.” PJ stood and snaked her arm around my waist. “I remember you. PJ, Jack’s sister.”

  As the realization sunk in, he looked between us with a mix of incredulity and amusement.

  “Wow, Jack’s sister is all grown up.” He nodded, giving her body a quick peruse before noticing my fists bal
led at my sides. “Nice to see you.”

  “You, too. I’ll let you guys catch up. I’d like to wring my hair out anyway. I’ll tell Jack you said hi.” PJ gave him a knowing smile. She’d probably guessed what must’ve been racing around in Kevin’s head although, he was, thankfully, being polite enough not to say it out loud at the moment.

  “Oh … sure. Thanks,” he stammered as PJ sauntered away.

  “You and Taylor’s sister?” Kevin’s eyes widened as he gaped at me. “Does he know?”

  “Yes.” I wouldn’t get into the sneaking around her parents.

  “They didn’t kill you?” He snickered and shook his head. “I never thought Mr. Garcia was that … progressive.”

  He’s not. That’s why he doesn’t know yet.

  “She’s …” His eyes darted to the path PJ took. “Legal now, right?”

  “Yes, for God’s sake. She’s eighteen. Starting college next week.”

  “You guys look serious.”

  “We are,” I scoffed, not appreciating his tone.

  “Remember the last time I met up with you guys? I think it was spring break our freshman year. Having a girlfriend that weekend would have sucked, right D? It’s good that she doesn’t mind being tied down so … young.”

  Had he always been this much of a dick? Uncomfortable memories rushed through my head: a bunch of idiot college kids making shitty decisions and … doing what they were supposed to be doing. They were being free and living in the moment. PJ was giving all of that up because of me, maybe because she didn’t realize it.

  “Did the waitress come yet? I’m starving from that sprint from the museum.” She rubbed her flat stomach and smiled for me so wide and beautiful. My insides ached. She was mine, and giving her up was as easy as cutting off my own limb, but was I being selfish?

  “Let’s get you fed then.” I planted a quick kiss on her forehead, all our playfulness from only a moment ago gone, thanks to the unwanted reality dropped into my lap. “Nice to see you, Kevin.”

  “You, too.”

  I gave him a nod with my chin before I led PJ back to the booth, sitting across from her and opening my menu. I wasn’t sure how much she’d heard, but judging by the way her eyes bore into me, she’d heard plenty.

  “You said you loved me since I was sixteen, right?”

  I lifted my head and squinted at her. “Around then, yes.”

  “I don’t think I ever told you when I first started loving you. Everyone assumes forever, and it pretty much is.” A bashful smile pulled at her lips. “One day, I’d just turned nine, I was playing in the backyard and fell. I was trying to climb the tree, missed a branch, and slid down. My knee was scraped and bleeding, but Jack and my parents were inside. They told me over and over again not to climb that tree, and if they caught me again, I’d be in big trouble. I didn’t listen very well.” She picked up my hand and intertwined our fingers. “I still don’t. Anyway, I panicked big time. When you saw me crying, you took my hand and snuck me into the upstairs bathroom. You put four Band-Aids on my knee, even though I probably only needed two, and told me you’d take care of me and wouldn’t tell.” She leaned forward on the table. “You don’t remember any of this, do you?”

  I shook my head. PJ had been a rambunctious kid, talking at a mile a minute with a ton of energy. Jack would always say her recklessness would be her downfall, but I’d never thought she was reckless. She was passionate and full of life, and it was still one of the things I’d loved the most about her.

  “You were so sweet and kind. As you bandaged me up, I noticed your eyes. They weren’t brown or green, sort of an odd in between. Beautiful. I spent the rest of the afternoon mixing my water paints to nail down the color. If you look at the paintings my parents display around the house, there is a hazel kind of color I always use. That’s you.”

  She rose from the seat, and my chest cracked open. I’d been waiting for her my entire life and never realized it.

  “I don’t need four years of frat parties, spring break, or any of that. Loving you is a part of who I am, and I’ll never stop or want anything else.” She settled next to me before grabbing my face and pressing her lips to mine with a light, but lingering kiss. “We never have to have this conversation again, got it?”

  I let a smile lift my cheeks before I covered her mouth with mine. “Got it,” I murmured against her lips.

  “I think I want … a burger. With bacon. What about you?”

  I think I want to fucking marry you.

  “Same. We’ll need our energy back.” I craned my head to whisper in her ear. “If I have to look at you in these painted-on clothes for the entire six train ride home, I’m tearing them off you the second we get back to my house.”

  A pretty blush crept up her cheeks before she fell into my chest.

  “I love you,” I whispered into her hair and kissed the top of her head. It didn’t matter what anyone said—old friends, her brother, or even her parents.

  Forever didn’t have to include anyone but us.

  26

  Jack

  “So, I guess you’re almost out of here.”

  I nodded at Jake as I practiced stepping up and back on one of the planks in the therapy room.

  “In a few days, I think.” Sweat dripped down my forehead and stung my eyes. I more or less lived in the therapy room. Although, I really wasn’t supposed to be there outside of a session. It was late, and most of the therapists had gone home, so no one cared if anyone stayed in the room until closing. Jake was even more of a fixture here than I was, but I’d noticed pain had been holding him back during the past few group sessions.

  “Lucky. The team manager wants me here for three more weeks. They expect me to run back on the field upon discharge, like nothing fucking happened.” He settled on one of medicine balls, gulping a bottle of water that was dwarfed by his huge hand. “Trust me, I’d love that, but I’m a realist. Maybe they’ll let me be an announcer or some shit when they realize my football career is over.” He let out a sad laugh as he rolled back and forth.

  “Hey, you don’t know that. It’s not over until it’s over.” In a way, I envied him. He had a lot more to lose but had the foresight to envision another plan, no matter how half-hearted. Beyond helping Dylan out at his construction company, I hadn’t come up with any other options if I couldn’t go back to the fire department. I guessed I’d figure it out, but whenever it would cross my mind, I’d push myself to the point of almost passing out. Danielle wasn’t here today to throw me out, so I had free reign after my session with a fill-in therapist.

  “Do you think it’s worse in the end to have hope or to just give up?” His normally booming voice was small as he stared into the distance.

  I shrugged as I twisted off the cap on my own bottle of water. Wasn’t that the million-dollar question?

  “Depends. I could feel like shit now or later, or be pleasantly surprised. I guess it doesn’t matter in the end. At least, it feels like I’m doing something about it now, even if it doesn’t work.”

  “Nah, I think it’ll work. You’ll be back on the truck before you know it.”

  “And you may be back on the field before you know it.” I tapped his arm before reaching for my towel. He was an okay guy, even if he hit on my sister. My best friend was doing a lot more than that with PJ—a notion I didn’t like to entertain for too long.

  The past couple of months had been an intensive lesson in general tolerance.

  “Where’s your girl?” His lips tipped up into a smirk.

  “My girl?” My eyes narrowed, hoping he wasn’t referring to my sister.

  He jerked his head to one of the therapy tables. “Danielle. I wish my therapist liked me that much. I think Leanne kinda despises me, although can’t say I blame her. I’m an annoying prick. When I’m out of here, I’ll send her a case of wine with my apologies.”

  I laughed, ignoring his question. Giving Danielle a goodbye gift turned my stomach. I didn’t want to give her a g
oodbye anything. I came here broken and angry, and she gave me back the sense of self I thought had broken along with my leg. When we’d talk outside of therapy, the world and all its uncertainty faded away. Our connection was strong and immediate—something she still wouldn’t fully admit to. Her words said she couldn’t, but her body wasn’t listening.

  Danielle was tough and sweet and so goddamn beautiful, I stopped pretending not to stare. And those lips … God … Granted, I was coming off a drought, but a kiss never brought me that close to blowing in my pants. When she relaxed in my arms, giving me as much as I wanted to give her, she’d hooked me. But the more I coaxed her to open up, the more she’d close off. Something had happened to make her this way, but I had hopes about us, too.

  Ignoring the fear that I was getting my hopes up only to have to watch them crash in a blaze of glory—twice—was taxing as all hell.

  I waved a quick goodbye before heading into the hall. My phone buzzed in my back pocket before I arrived back at my room. Groaning at which Garcia was breaking my balls now, I dug it out and smiled at the name on the screen.

  DANIELLE: Making sure you didn’t flake on your session today.

  Maybe I was reading into all the good signs I could grasp, but her contacting me on her only day off since I’d been her patient was telling in the best way.

  ME: Flake? You’re the one who told me I’d get you all into trouble for lingering in there for so long. Is this your way of saying you miss me?

  DANIELLE: I’m checking on you. I do that with all my patients.

  ME: Do you make out with all of them in a closet, too? I was hoping you reserved that treatment only for me.

  I laughed until a long beat of silence followed my snarky reply. I never knew whether I was making her uncomfortable or flustered. I pushed her, but the last thing I wanted was to scare her away.

  DANIELLE: I do a lot of things with you I don’t do with my other patients. I’ve lost track of all the unprofessional lines I’ve crossed. Just texting you is another violation.