by Jerry Cole
He felt a little faint as he opened his mouth to speak. He really didn’t want to seem weak or unreasonable in this conversation, and the last thing that he wanted to do was hurt Bjorn’s feelings. But Bjorn had said that he had a plan, so the least that Mickey could do was listen to him.
“Do you have anything to drink? My throat is really, um, dry,” he said. He was trying to put the conversation off for as long as possible. He didn’t like the fact that Bjorn seemed to have an idea when it came to them dating. He knew that dating was probably not going to be the easiest thing in the world for them, but he also knew that if it was going to happen, it had to happen naturally. It couldn’t happen after Bjorn thought up some sort of plan, or God forbid, after one of his teammates did.
“Uh,” Bjorn said, looking around. He pulled up his underwear and his pants, but decided to go without a shirt. It was hard to think when Bjorn wasn’t wearing a shirt; he was so gorgeous and the lines on his muscles so prominent, but Mickey wasn’t sure that it was the best thing for when they were trying to have a serious conversation. “I think there are some water bottles in my bag.”
Bjorn got off the bed and went toward the TV, where two bags sat against it. He unzipped one and took out two bottles of water, looking at Mickey, probably wondering if he should throw them at him. He finally decided on walking back over, handing over one bottle and fumbling with the lid of his own.
Even though Syn was right and Mickey didn’t know Bjorn that well, he could tell that he was nervous. Whatever he wanted to pitch to Mickey mustn’t have been the easiest idea in the world.
“Sorry these aren’t cold,” Bjorn said. “I should have put them in the mini-fridge, but I totally forgot.”
“It’s fine,” Mickey replied, smiling at him. “Thank you for the water, anyway. It’s wonderful.”
They both drank about half their bottle of water, neither one of them saying anything. Mickey was trying not to dribble the water on his chin and it was obvious that Bjorn was trying to gather up his courage to speak up. He obviously needed a push, so Mickey cleared his throat and put his hand on Bjorn’s shoulder. “So, do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
“Sure,” Bjorn said. “It just—I don’t know. I’m worried it’s not going to make any sense.”
“Well, you’re going to have to let me be the judge of that, right?”
“Yeah,” Bjorn said. “Yeah, I guess I’m just going to have to tell you. I was just thinking about all the things that are getting in our way, right? Like, okay, telling my family, that’s one thing. I know you were worried about that. I have that handled, I’ll tell them as soon as possible. The next time we talk, okay? In the meantime, I have a plan to make sure things go as smoothly as possible when it comes to the tournament.”
Mickey looked at him. “So, do you mean that you want to tell the organizers or something like that? Because honestly, Bjorn, I don’t think that they’re going to care. I think the fans may care; they may give you some shit for it, like. I think that’s just something that you’re going to have to get used to if you want to be with me. But, I mean, I guess it’s a good idea. They might be able to give us some sort of PR guidance or something, so—”
“No,” Bjorn said, shaking his head and taking another swig of his water. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s not a bad idea. But I have something else, something that will make all of this so much easier.”
Mickey raised his eyebrows. He wasn’t sure what Bjorn was talking about, but Bjorn seemed incredibly convinced of what he was saying, even though he wasn’t looking at Mickey. He still seemed very nervous, and there was an edge in his voice that Mickey could only describe as confrontational.
Mickey squeezed his shoulder. The last thing that he wanted was for Bjorn to be upset. “Hey, it’s okay,” Mickey said. “Listen, petal. You can tell me anything, alright? There won’t be nothing wrong when you do. Even if I disagree with what you’re saying, we can talk about it. You’re—you want this, right?”
“Yes,” Bjorn said. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I want this more than anything. And I’m trying to find a way to make sure that can happen, without—”
“Without what?”
“Well, without people thinking I’m your girlfriend,” Bjorn finally replied, swallowing.
It was obviously hard for him to say those words, but Mickey couldn’t help but laugh. He bit his lip to stop himself, but there was no way that he could. “I don’t think people would feel like you’re my girlfriend, Bjorn. They might think you’re my boyfriend. Because you are. Plus, what’s wrong with girls?”
“That’s not what I mean,” Bjorn said, his gaze darting away from Mickey. “I didn’t mean anything like that. There’s nothing wrong with girls, it’s just that, I don’t want to be your girlfriend, okay? You’re already so popular, and people already see you as this shining example of masculinity. I mean, even when you came out, everyone still saw you as this super manly person and you’re so confident that it didn’t even seem to bother you at all that you’re gay. Like, you have this incredibly confident persona and I don’t. Nobody knows who I am. I don’t want people to just know me as your boyfriend, or as someone that moves in your shadow, you know? I don’t want them to see me as just someone that gets fucked by you. And that’s all that anyone is going to see when they look at me, someone that doesn’t deserve my place when it comes to being here.”
“So you’re worried that being with me is going to undermine both your masculinity and your credibility? Wow,” Mickey replied, rubbing his eyes. The words coming out of Bjorn’s mouth made sense, but it wasn’t what he was expecting to hear. He had said he wanted to be his boyfriend, and Mickey had wanted to believe him. Probably because he had been so eager to believe him, so keen to have Bjorn wanted to be his boyfriend. He should have been guarded; he should have followed Syn’s advice in the first place, but being around Bjorn made him stupid. That was becoming exceedingly clear with every single word that came out of Bjorn’s mouth.
Bjorn sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I wish you hadn’t put it like that. I really want this, Mickey.”
“Right,” Mickey said, trying to swallow down the knot in his throat. “I can tell that’s how you feel because of how keen you’re to jump into this.”
Bjorn exhaled through his nose quickly. “No, listen,” Bjorn said. “That’s the point. That’s the point, I’m trying to tell you that I found a solution.”
Mickey raised his eyebrows. His heart was beating fast and loud in his chest, but it wasn’t because he was excited. He felt dizzy and tired, far more tired than he thought he would feel. He wanted to be able to talk to Bjorn; he wanted closure. He hadn’t expected this. He hadn’t expected any of this, and he didn't like it at all. But Bjorn had been so nervous, and he had reassured him that everything would be fine and that they would come to an agreement. He wished that he hadn’t told him anything, that he hadn’t told him that it would be okay, that he hadn’t told him things would work out. He wasn’t sure that he wanted things to work out anymore. He had been so stupid and so naive, coming here, thinking that closure would be something that he would be able to get by talking to Bjorn. No, instead, he was getting this, more of Bjorn’s doubts and insecurities, things that he was sure weren’t supposed to but still made him feel horribly bad about himself.
He tried to swallow down the knot in his throat before he spoke. “So, are you going to tell me what this solution is, or am I going to have to keep guessing?”
“No, you won’t have to keep guessing,” Bjorn said, looking straight into his eyes. “I have to beat you.”
“Excuse me?”
“I have to beat you,” Bjorn repeated.
“You have to beat me? What do you mean?”
“Look,” Bjorn said, rolling his eyes. He was obviously losing his patience, though Mickey didn’t really understand why. He was the one that had come up with the idea. He could probably also sense how unimpressed Mickey was
by this train of thought, but nothing could be done about that. “I know that this is a bit strange, and I would never ask you to cheat because that would be crazy and it’s not who I am. I’m just telling you that if AlphaChew beats your team in the final, then you and I can be together.”
Mickey shook his head. “What if you don’t get to the final?”
“That’s on me,” Bjorn said. “We will, I promise you. I will do everything in my power to make sure that my team gets to the final. But you have to promise me that you’re going to be the team that goes up against us.”
“But, Bjorn,” Mickey said, as slowly and patiently as he could. “If you don’t make it that far, what’s going to happen to your plan?”
“That’s what I’m telling you,” Bjorn replied. “I’m going to make it that far. I just need you to make it that far so I can beat you, too.”
“Look,” Mickey said, taking a deep breath. “If you had framed this in any other way, I may even be up for it. But this is about more than that, it’s about how inadequate you would feel being my boyfriend, and I don’t know if I’m up for that. Darling, listen. You’re a very sweet guy and I—ugh, as much as I hate to admit this, I have feelings for you, okay? It pains me to say this, because I don’t want to have feelings for you. Because my life would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn’t have feelings for you. I want you to want to be my boyfriend, and I don’t want you to want to be my boyfriend under specific terms and conditions. I want to be your first choice. If I’m only a choice after you beat me, then I don’t want to be your choice at all.”
He stopped, trying to give Bjorn a chance to answer, then deciding that he didn’t care if he had nothing to say. He took a deep breath and continued. “I can’t do this, Bjorn. I can’t. You’re beautiful, and incredible, and I want you. And this hurts me. Being with you, and having talks like this, it hurts me. And you’re right, I’m a shining example of masculinity or whatever it is that you said, and I’m not used to being hurt. I don’t like it, okay? I don’t like it at all, it fucking blows.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Bjorn replied, swallowing and looking away from him.
“I know that,” Mickey said. “I don’t think you ever mean to hurt me. I just don’t think that you can help it, and there’s very little that you can tell me now that would make me jump into this. Not because I don’t want to, you must understand. Not because this isn’t what I’ve wanted ever since the first moment I met you, because it is. I didn’t—I’ve never felt the way that I feel about you about anyone else before. I thought it was lust, but it’s so much more than that. And I don’t know how to go around, dealing with it every day, until you decide that the only way that you can be with me, is, once again, to degrade me.”
Bjorn’s gaze shot up toward Mickey’s eyes as he swallowed. “Degrade you? Is that what you think I’m trying to do?”
“It may not be what you’re trying to do, but it’s definitely what you’re doing,” Mickey replied. He was digging his fingers onto the quilt and he could feel his eyes watering. He didn’t want to cry in front of Bjorn, not for the first time, not over something like this. He had already let Bjorn humiliate him once, and he knew that he should probably leave before this got out of hand. Except it felt like it already had, and he knew that it would only get worse. There was no point in stopping himself from hurting Bjorn now, since Bjorn had been so good at it. “It was what you did when you went to my suite and wanted me to tell everyone that we were a joke, that I was a joke, and now you’re telling me that the only way that we can date is if you defeat me in a very public way. I knew that getting involved with a straight boy was going to be complicated, but goddammit, I didn’t know it was going to be proper devastating. You don’t know this about me, because you’ve never thought to fucking ask, but I’m actually a really proud man. That’s what makes me able to be this confident and stuff. Pride. Do you understand what I mean?”
Bjorn swallowed and looked down. He licked his lower lips and furrowed his eyebrows. He looked guilty, as though he knew that he had gone too far, but he didn’t say anything.
“Anyway,” Mickey said, clearing his throat. “I’m done talking about this. I’m done with this.”
He stood up and started to walk away, only to be stopped by Bjorn wrapping his hand around his forearm. “Wait, what do you mean that you’re done with this?”
“I mean, I’m done,” Mickey said, turning his head slightly toward him. “I’m done with this; I’m done with us. If you get as far as the final, good for you. But you beating me only guarantees one thing.”
“What?”
“That you’ll never see me again,” Mickey said, swallowing and trying to keep his breathing steady. “Because I know what you won for. And I’m not onboard with that plan in the slightest.”
Bjorn looked at him, his lip trembling. “Mickey, I’m sorry, I—”
“It’s okay,” Mickey replied. He was trying hard to not console Bjorn, and it was almost impossible. It went against every instinct in his body. He wanted to wrap him in a warm embrace and tell him that it would be fine, that they would be fine, that they would end up together. Mostly because those were the words that he was longing to hear himself, that he hated that he wouldn’t be the one hearing those words from Bjorn. That there were no words Bjorn could say that would make him feel better about what was happening between them. When he spoke again, his voice was breaking and he had to choke back the tears that were about to spill from his eyes. Not blinking was hard, but he had to if he didn’t want Bjorn to see them running down his cheeks. “Hey, it’s okay. You’ll find someone, alright? It just can’t be me.”
“But I want you,” Bjorn replied. He was crying, there was no way to get around it now. Mickey could see the tears streaming down his face, the way that his lip was quivering, and he felt a stab in his heart.
“I know,” Mickey replied. “I wish things didn’t have to be this way. Let me go, please, darling.”
Bjorn’s grip around Mickey’s arm loosened and Mickey walked to the door in as dignified a manner as he could. Once he was out of the room, he stopped being dignified and started running toward the fire escape stairs. He couldn’t exactly wait around for the elevator with tears streaming down his face.
Not if he was going to preserve his image of aloof masculinity, or whatever the hell it was supposed to be.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Bjorn sat on the bed, trying to go through what had happened in his head once more. Part of him wished that they had talked about it before they got started with the sex, but then the sex might have never happened. Not that that was necessarily a bad thing. Bjorn looked down at his socks. His head was swimming. He hadn’t meant to do anything to humiliate him—or as Mickey had put it, degrade him—but that was exactly what he had ended up doing. The worst part was that he hadn’t realized it until Mickey was outside of his room, and he knew that chasing him wouldn’t do any good. There was nothing that he could say that would make Mickey forgive him, and why should he? There was nothing that Bjorn could have done that made what he had just done a forgivable offense. Bjorn knew that if he wanted to be with Mickey, and he did, he was going to have to show him that through his actions. He would have to come up with a new plan, one that involved building Mickey up instead of tearing him down. He wanted to show him that he would be a good boyfriend.
He had to show him.
Even if Mickey would, understandably, not be interested in him like that anymore, Bjorn had to show him that all he wanted to do was make him feel better about himself and about his life. That he didn’t need to degrade him—just thinking about that word made him shudder—in order to date him. No, he needed to show him how valuable he was, and he needed to do that before the tournament was over. Even if that was the one thing that he was able to achieve when it came to World of Heroes, that would be enough.
That would be more than enough.
He was thinking about what to do when he heard the door
open. Pink nodded at him as he walked through, then nearly ran to his side and sat next to him. “What? What’s wrong?”
He smelled like beer, but Bjorn appreciated the emotional support despite the stink.
“I think I just screwed everything up,” Bjorn replied, chuckling sadly. “Because I’m a real fucking idiot.”
“What happened exactly?”
Bjorn swallowed, and then he told Pink everything that had just happened with Mickey. Pink was attentive and nodded at the right part during his story. When Bjorn was done, he hugged him and patted him on the back. Then he smiled and told him that it was time to get to work.
***
Bjorn knew that Mickey was avoiding him, but he understood it. The only thing he could only make things better between them if he stuck to the plan that he had come up when he was complaining to Pink. That was the reason that he was so tense during the semifinals, but since so much was at stake, AlphaChew sailed through things. They were going to go to the finals if it was the last thing that Bjorn did.
Bjorn had to show Mickey that he was a worthy competitor. He didn’t want to humiliate him, nothing like that. He just wanted to make sure that Mickey could see that he was taking things seriously. He could see that best if they went up against each other.
Bjorn was a little surprised when they stepped out of the glass enclosure, and the host of the event held his arm up high, announcing AlphaChew as an official finalist. It was a little surreal when the host told him that he had already earned hundreds of thousands of dollars, of course split four-way across the team. After it was announced that they were rich, or at least, rich enough to be able to afford a proper bed, Bjorn looked at Mickey in the crowd. He wasn’t sure what he expected, maybe congratulations or at least a thumbs up, but he didn’t get any of that. Instead, Mickey turned away from him, and Bjorn was left with his heart in his stomach and a lump in his throat.