Blueberry Pancakes: The Novel

by Anton Lee Richards

  “I hope you meant what you said about me crashing on your couch,” he said and paused. “I have a week’s worth of clothes in my car. Can I come tonight?”

  “That was quick,” I stuttered. “What did she say?”

  “I haven’t told her yet. I’m not leaving forever. Just need a break.”

  The hostess motioned us to follow her to our table. How was I supposed to spring this on Marlene on such short notice? It occurred to me that having the three of us together could spark some creative vibes. It would be a creative experiment.

  “We can write songs in my apartment, although my Pro Tools setup isn’t quite as elaborate as yours.”

  “Taking a break from music for now,” he said. There went my creative experiment. “First, I want some more of those pancakes. Second, I’m going clubbing with you and Marlene. Maybe you can introduce me to the man that will turn me gay.” He laughed. “Women are way too complicated.”

  “And you think a gay man will be less maintenance?” I asked.

  “Duh. You can’t get pregnant.” Silas had no idea of the trials and tribulations of gay drama.

  A waitress came by to drop off some bread and olive oil. She stared daggers at Silas as if she overheard his comment.

  “I made a list of all the things I couldn’t do because I was stuck in this marriage,” he said. He seemed upbeat even though it was only the first day of their separation. “Do you know anybody who sells crack? Not to become a regular user, of course. I just want to try it once.”

  I threw my hands up in the air. “Crack? No, I do not know anybody who sells crack.” Who did he think I was?

  “Ever go to a club called Departure?” he asked. I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s a bondage club.” He poured some olive oil onto his plate and dipped his bread into it.

  “That explains why I’ve never heard of it.” I closed my eyes and tried not to imagine. “Is that your thing?”

  “No. I mean, I don’t know. If I don’t try it, how will I know?”

  “Like crack?”

  “Damn, I could really use some crack right now. Is dick like crack for you?”

  I laughed hard. “Pretty much.”

  After setting Silas up at the apartment, we met Marlene for post-dinner pancakes. The deep freeze kept us from outside conversation. Marlene sat in our regular booth wearing a shiny rose-colored blouse covered in rhinestones.

  “So, this is how singles eat,” Silas said, waving a piece of pancake in the air on his fork. “I dated Rachel through college, and we were together ever since, so I never had this experience. I’m free now.”

  “You’re still married, bub,” Marlene said. She poked him in the shoulder.

  “I wish I could be not married, just for a little bit,” he said.

  “Don’t do anything that would screw up a good thing forever,” Marlene said.

  “We’ll be at a gay bar tonight anyway, so there won’t be any temptations,” Silas said. He grabbed a sausage off of a small plate next to Marlene’s pancakes and ate it. I went to grab the other one, and she fingered no and pointed to my belly.

  The three of us took the Red Line and battled with post-game Cubs fans in the streets. When we got to the club, Silas was a fish in a brand-new tank. Ever-so-fabulous gays surrounded him while videos of drag queens on catwalks played on the screens hanging from the ceiling. Boom boom boom boom.

  “I want one gay guy to hit on me, just one, not to sleep with him, of course, but just to see if I can pull it off.”

  “You’re going to lead on some poor schlep just to boost your ego?” I asked.

  “Yup,” Silas replied. He looked around the room and then used his phone to examine and smooth out his hair.

  “Him,” Marlene said, nodding toward an attractive guy. “He checked you out when you walked in.”

  He lifted his chin. “How does a gay guy check another guy out?” Silas asked.

  Marlene smirked at me. “Like hungry wolves looking for prey.”

  The guy who checked out Silas had a trimmed blond beard and defined features. He was circling us. Marlene and I glanced at each other and then at the guy as he moved to the bar to order a drink, then to the bathroom area, then to the dance floor, and back to the bar. He noticed us noticing him. Silas was oblivious to this drill.

  “Jesse’s meeting us later,” I said. “Just don’t flirt with him.”

  “I’ve already got a target,” he said. “Target! That’s what you and Marlene call them, right Duncan?”

  I shook my head. “You will say nothing of the sort when Jesse gets here,” I said, glaring at him.

  Marlene sighed. “I wish I would get laid.”

  “Still no sex, huh?” I asked.

  “You guys aren’t having sex?” Silas asked. “I wouldn’t have expected you and Robin to have problems in that department. I always pictured you two fucking like rabbits.”

  “You pictured us having sex?” Marlene asked, looking puzzled.

  “Oh, I drew diagrams,” he said.

  “Here he comes,” I said as we all stared at Silas’s target as he walked towards us. He held his chin up and his chest out. I leaned into Marlene and whispered, “I’d go for him if he didn’t belong to Silas.”

  The target swaggered to the bar service area and ordered another drink. He turned to Silas and smiled while he waited. Marlene pulled me to the side to give Silas some room. Silas smiled back and twiddled his fingers while darting his eyes back and forth across the room. Marlene and I giggled like schoolchildren. I could see Marlene’s neck crane over to listen to the conversation. I pulled her back so that she wouldn’t look so obvious.

  “Gavin,” the target said. “You hang out here a lot?”

  “Nope. This is my first time,” Silas said. Marlene giggled again.

  “You must be new to this city if you haven’t been here,” Gavin said. “Are you here with them?” Gavin asked, nodding at us.

  The loud dance music made it tricky to hear their conversation. Standing under the 60-inch TV made it difficult to know whether the half-dressed guys walking by were looking at us or the TV. One of them walked in front of Marlene and gave her the eye. He took off his tank-top and tossed it to her. She tried to catch it, but missed. He blew her an air kiss, and she blew him one back. He walked away with his hand on another guy’s ass.

  “I’m with a guy I know over there,” Gavin said, turning his head.

  “A guy you know? Are you cheating on me already?” Silas asked.

  “Oh, darling, I would never cheat on you,” Gavin joked, inching closer to Silas.

  I could barely keep my composure, so I turned to the glass bar and ordered drinks for Marlene and me. She convinced me to pass on vodka Red Bull in favor of the bar’s famous alcoholic black cherry frozen slushie. Jesse walked in and spotted us, but he took a while to get through the crowd to reach us. He would never go for the frozen drink, so I ordered him a Corona.

  Jesse passed by Silas with a nod and stumbled toward me with confusion.” What’s he doing here?” Jesse asked.

  “He’s on a break from his wife,” I said.

  “Straight guys take gay breaks from their wives? Why wasn’t I informed of this?”

  I leaned into Jesse and pointed to Gavin. “To make a long story short, Silas is getting hit on by that guy who doesn’t know he’s straight. We’re all having fun with it.”

  “That’s kind of cruel, isn’t it?” Jesse said.

  The three of us walked up to Gavin and pushed Silas aside. You made an excellent pick with this boy,” Marlene said, hugging Silas. “And he’s really hung.” Gavin leaned in to kiss Silas’s neck. Silas recoiled and looked at him with wide eyes.

  “Go for it. Kiss him, Gavin,” Marlene shouted. She hugged me while Silas shot her a dirty look.

  “My place then. You won’t be shy there,” Gavin said.

  “Use protection,” I said.

  Marlene pulled a condom out of her purse and handed it to Gavin. “And lots of lube. S
ilas is really, really tight,” Marlene said.

  “This isn’t funny anymore,” Silas said. “I have a wife and a kid.”

  “So? I promise I won’t tell either one,” Gavin said.

  “I’m sorry, we kind of played with you a little,” I taunted.

  “Whatever,” Gavin said. He put his hands on my chest and nudged me towards the railing. “But you’re pretty cute.”

  He was hysterical. “I’m taken.” I nodded to Jesse, who was pushing in a stool towards the bar.

  Gavin turned his attention to Jesse. “Okay then, what about you?”

  Jesse shook his head no. “Am I third choice?”

  Gavin hung his head. “I guess I’m going home empty-handed.”

  Marlene stepped forward and put her arm around him. “Don’t worry, honey. We’ll find you a man.” She tapped the shoulder of the nearest stranger. This strapping black man was leaning up against a 4-foot replica of the John Hancock building on the frozen drink maker.

  “Oh my God, hi!” she said. “Do you remember me? We met years ago? What was your name again?”

  “It’s Darryl. I’m sorry, I don’t remember you,” the guy said. He looked at her with a bewildered gaze. He was the same height as Jesse if you didn’t include his hair.

  “Don’t worry, I’m not that memorable,” Marlene said. She pointed to her rhinestones in the shape of diamonds, clubs, hearts, and spades on it, but the diamonds and hearts were in black, and the clubs and spades were in red. She also had a strand of hair dyed the same red. “My friend Gavin here thinks you’re cute. He didn’t want to approach you because he’s too shy.”

  Gavin smiled at Darryl. He walked toward Darryl, and they chatted. Soon they were ignoring the rest of us. I didn’t blame them for a second.

  “How did you know Gavin would like your friend?” I asked Marlene.

  “I have no idea who this Darryl guy is. Gavin’s a leech, a guy who comes with friends but plans on going home with someone else, no matter who it is.”

  “And I thought I was special,” Silas said.

  “I’m glad I don’t have to be part of this scene anymore,” I said to Jesse.

  “I was never part of this scene.” Jesse frowned. “What do you mean anymore?” Jesse asked. Not being part of this scene made me feel safe with him. Even though he was so attractive, I didn’t have to worry about other guys making a move on him.

  Marlene and I took the next day to shop in Andersonville. Blackberry Winter swooped in, and the temperature dropped. We stopped for some noodles and glögg to warm up. Glögg is a Scandinavian mulled wine, an acquired taste, and in Chicago, it’s unique to Andersonville because of its Swedish history. We chitchatted about her new vaginal wash while I slurped my ramen. Then we talked about how well things were going between Jesse and I, although I was still a little on edge, afraid we could get into a deal-breaking fight. Silas’s song affected me, and I could relate to his feeling of being stuck in a day job instead of doing music, and a strained relationship, even if Jesse and I were in better shape these days.

  I slurped more noodles without shame while Marlene stared me down. Her face twisted into a sour knot. “I have to ask because this has been on my mind all day. ‘Stuck With You’ is pretty damn cool, but it’s not your style. Something’s not adding up here. Is Jesse abusing you? Are you channeling your Kenny anger at him?”

  “He wouldn’t think of it. Besides, I’m pretty sure I could take him.” I laughed. “He’s curious about our new songs, so I sent him a copy. I wonder what he thinks of it.”

  “Still, this song is way too harsh for you.” She turned up her nose at me. “You don’t have a mean bone in your body.”

  I shook my head, defeated, and knowing I couldn’t pull one over on Marlene. “I didn’t write the song. Silas did. His marriage is on the rocks. But you can’t say anything. He doesn’t even want the baby.”

  “That kid will tell that to a therapist one day.”

  “I don’t get it,” I said. “He has this great career, a new family, a great condo, and our music.”

  “He’s like you—wants to quit his boring job and produce music all day long, but can’t.” She put her fork down to get my attention. “Do you see it the resemblance between you and him?”

  Yes, we were both IT guys who were also musicians, but his anger towards Rachel was extreme. I never felt like that towards Jesse. Silas and Rachel put on a facade to look like a perfect family. I thought he should attempt to fix it, but wasn’t sure if it was my place to say anything. They must have been in love at one time or another.

  “If the marriage is doomed, he should leave,” she said. “The kid will be better off with happily divorced parents than with miserable, married ones.”

  I wiped my face and whispered, “You have to promise not to tell him I told you.”

  “Like you promised him you wouldn’t tell me?” she laughed.

  The next day, Silas was in the living room, and I was in the bedroom fiddling with my guitar when the door buzzed. I hoped it wasn’t another girl for Silas. I made it clear that I wouldn’t be an accomplice to his adultery and that he couldn’t be making all sorts of straight-sex noises while I was trying to sleep. Silas answered the buzzer and called for me. Jesse was standing in the foyer of our apartment crying and holding the thumb drive I downloaded my songs on.

  “What is it?” I asked, confused.

  “Close the door,” he said as he pushed me back into my bedroom. I thought he would break up with me again.

  Silas stood there looking as confused as I was, but said nothing.

  I closed the door behind me while Jesse sat down on the bed. During our last big breakup, he was standing, and I was sitting on the bed.

  He held up the thumb drive. “Was it that bad?” he asked. He was looking at it, and I didn’t understand.

  “You didn’t like my new songs?”

  “Did you feel stuck when you were with me? Did you have stuck?”

  “Are you referring to ‘Stuck With You’? That wasn’t about you.”

  “A boyfriend before me? After me?” He gasped.

  “Silas wrote that song,” I said. “It’s about his wife. He didn’t want me to tell anybody he wrote it because he didn’t want his wife to find out, but I can’t let you believe it was about you. Come with me.” I grabbed Jesse’s hand and led him out into the living room.

  “I wrote the damn song,” Silas blurted out as I opened the door. “It’s my relationship that’s so fucked up. Not yours.” He looked at me.

  “But you can still fix it,” I said.

  “Look at how the song affected Jesse,” Silas said. “That’s just a song about the situation. If the song’s that powerful, then maybe I shouldn’t try to fix the relationship.”

  “The song has so much hate,” said Jesse.

  Silas looked at me, then at Jesse. “That’s me. I’m full of hate. Not anger, hatred. It has to end. I can’t go back to her.”

  “Take more time before you make any sudden moves,” I said. But I was naïve in thinking their relationship was salvageable, or that I could get my living room couch back.

  “I told Marlene it was your song,” I said. “Sorry, she was badgering me about it. She didn’t believe I wrote it because it was so different from anything I wrote. She still likes it though.”

  “Me too, now that I know Duncan didn’t write it,” Jesse said, sounding relieved.

  “Robin doesn’t know yet, though,” I said.

  “I guess it doesn’t matter if you guys know,” Silas said. “What happens when Rachel hears it?”

  “It’ll be over instantly,” I said. “That’s why you can’t let her hear it. Don’t be hasty, and if you end it with her, for God’s sake, don’t give her the song. It would hurt her for no reason.”

  Silas gazed into the corner of my bedroom. “I was stuck before I married Rachel. I had stuck. It’s not her fault. Without her, without the baby, without the mortgage payment, even without my suffocating j
ob, I’d still have stuck.”

  Jesse nodded in agreement even though he didn’t know Silas that well. “I blamed Duncan for my own stuck, and I was wrong. I felt constricted like he was holding me back from going to seminary. Leaving Duncan didn’t get rid of my stuck.”

  “I’ve been having a great time here at Duncan’s, but I still have stuck. This mini-vacation will not make that go away. Neither will leaving Rachel. It’s hopeless. If I can’t blame this on Rachel and the baby, then what?”

  “You do have hope with our music,” I said. “At least that’s going somewhere. Marlene’s going somewhere, and we’re all going to be right there.”

  “You’re probably right. But it’s not enough. Not for me anyway.”

  “I don’t know if seminary’s enough for me,” Jesse said. “It was supposed to be the ultimate connection with God. I don’t know what’s missing.”

  This felt strange. I had some sort of strength when Jesse and Silas leaned on me. At least I could channel my hopelessness into a song. It was moments like these when I felt grateful to have that outlet.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  THE NOISE

  Silas enjoyed his freedom from the chain and shackles that was his wife. Drinking, drugs, and a new woman every night – like an Amish adolescent. He was noisy when he got home and woke up Marlene and me. I came out of the bedroom.

  “Don’t worry, dude,” Silas said as he fell to the floor. He slurred and chuckled to himself. “Whoa, lost my balance.”

  “You had fun tonight I take it?” Marlene asked. She stood with her hands on her hips and glared at him.

  “I won at darts and Jennifer was totally into me,” Silas slurred.

  She pointed to the ring on his finger. “Yeah dude, you’re married,” she said.

  “I didn’t fuck her. She totally would have though. That’s what’s important, right?”

  She threw her hands in the air. “The important thing is that you didn’t throw a dart in anyone’s eye,” she said.