Keeping Up With Piper

by Amanda Adair

  I never asked Hannah why she didn’t have an abortion. I don’t have to. Her parents are religious as hell. An abortion is a crime, they say. It doesn’t matter that her daughter was raped. They’re going to keep the baby, raise it as their own. They want Hannah to study medicine.

  “Samantha,” Ms. Alderton says.

  It was the third time she’s calling my name but I didn’t listen. “Yes, my week’s been good actually. I think these sessions are working out for me. I feel better.” Lies. Lies everywhere. I’m not proud to say that I’ve become pretty good at lying but it’s useful.

  “Great,” she says. See, it doesn’t matter what we say, her answer is always “great”.

  After group therapy Hannah and I walk outside the room. We want to go to a yoga class this afternoon, then study for our exams.

  “Samantha,” Ms. Alderton says. “Can I talk to you?”

  I look at Hannah, then at Ms. Alderton. “Sure,” I say. Hannah leaves but I know she’ll be waiting for me outside.

  “I know you’ve decided to stop going to hypnotherapy,” she says, and immediately I know exactly what she wants. “I just think you’d be happier if you knew what happened that night.”

  She is right. Maybe not exactly happier but I’m rational, and rational people need answers. I can’t live with not knowing how and why this baby came into existence. “It didn’t work,” I argue.

  “Maybe you just need a few more sessions,” she says.

  “But it’s been months. Does it even work after such a long time?”

  Ms. Alderton heavily nods. “Sure, we’ve had girls who suddenly remembered many details years after the incident. She smiles at first but then she understands that this info isn’t exactly encouraging. “Give it a try.”

  It’s true. Hypnotherapy worked to a certain extent. I could try. I need to find out what they’ve done to me. “Okay. Great.”

  45

  Hypnotherapy Session 1

  “Let me know whenever you want to stop,” Ms. Berry says. “You do not have to do any of this. However, I’m glad you’re giving it a try. Lie down and close your eyes, please.”

  I step closer to the green couch and do as she told me. It’s hard for me to keep my eyes closed. I feel the urge to open them. Ms. Berry puts on some very soft piano music and starts talking. She says things like “relax your arms and legs” and “sink deeper into the cushions”. At first I’m sceptical but when she asks me about camp, my classmates and teachers it’s like I’m back there. I thought it would feel like a movie but it doesn’t.

  I open my eyes. I can’t see much. Everything is blurry. I’m still a bit wet. I don’t know if it’s water or alcohol that’s on my skin. I’m lying on the ground. My head hurts and my arms hurt. When I turn my head to the side I understand why. Someone’s holding down my wrists. I keep opening and closing my eyes. My head aches so much. I feel dizzy and disoriented. When I turn my head again I see someone above me, or rather behind me. I see her face upside down. It’s Piper’s face. She’s the one violently holding my arm down to the ground. I want to say something but I can’t. My head keeps rolling from one side to the other.

  “I’ll make sure she doesn’t move,” Piper says.

  “She’s awake,” another voice says.

  “She won’t remember anything,” she says. “Seriously, I’ve drunk that much rum before. It’s impossible to remember. I black out every time.”

  Piper puts a hand onto my breast. I want to stop her, but I’m too weak, too tired. It seems like nobody else is here. I don’t even know if we’re outside or inside. It’s all dark, and the ground is even.

  “Hey,” Piper say, louder. “You’re wasting our time. Imagine it’s me you’re with me. I want it, come on.”

  “Okay,” the guy says and breathes out.

  I can’t concentrate. They continue their conversation, but I can’t listen. I’m trying to stay awake. Only when I feel some awful pain I look up. He’s above me. His body’s above me. And he’s inside of me. He starts moving. In and out. Back and forth. Again and again. I want to cry. Scream. It hurts. But I’m so tired. He groans. He pushes harder and puts his hands onto my waist. Stop it, I think. Leave me alone, you pig.

  “You’re doing it,” Piper says. “Touch her.”

  He puts his hands around my neck and starts choking me.

  She giggles. “Awesome.”

  “Fuck,” he say as he comes. “Holy shit.”

  He pulls his penis out. I feel the sperm on my stomach. Why can’t I cry right now? I want to so badly. I hate them. I hate both of them. I want to get up and run, but my body doesn’t move.

  Piper lets go of me. She knows I can’t move. It was just for fun that she was holding me down.

  “Wild,” she says and lets her fingers run down my body. She then licks the cum of her finger.

  I’m disgusted. I want to throw up. When she kisses him I see his face. He’s blonde. Tall. Blue eyes. It’s Axel. They leave me alone. I’m still lying on the ground, naked. Everything around me is dark, almost completely black. When they walk away all I see is the enlightened screens of their phones. I’m still too weak to get up. I try hard to keep my eyes wide open. But the more I force them the less they obey. I can’t stay awake any longer. Everything around me turns black.

  “What do you see?,” Ms. Berry asks and wakes me up from my trance. My daydream. My past. Whatever you want to call it.

  It felt like a horror movie. Like something I’ve never experienced myself. Can I trust these images? Can I trust my senses? What I felt, heard and saw. Is this what happened to me? Is the baby inside of me Axel’s? I don’t want to believe this. I don’t want any of this to be true. Am I hallucinating? Could it be my imagination that produced these memories? I don’t know what’s real and what’s fake anymore.

  “Samantha?,” she asks. “What is it? Do you remember something?”

  I nod. “Yes.”

  “Can you tell me what?”

  “I was raped after I blacked out on the ground next to the lake I guess,” I say. “That’s what I remember. Someone else held me down. I was drunk, really drunk. Maybe they even drugged me.”

  “Could you see his face?,” she asks me. “Or the face of the other person?”

  “No,” I say automatically.

  I don’t know why I don’t want to tell her. Nothing matters. It’s too late to report this. It’s too late to tell anyone. I’ve tried to tell the authorities. But they couldn’t do anything. It was a charge against an unknown person. The police didn’t believe me. I’m sure of that. They looked at me like I’m crazy. I was just some pregnant girl who said she was raped several weeks earlier. I didn’t have any chance because they made me drink so much alcohol that I couldn’t tell what happened. My whole body was dirty and hurt. I couldn’t tell I was raped. How should I know? Those people were my classmates, and there were teachers around. I thought I was safe.

  After therapy I meet with Hannah in the communal kitchen.

  “I think I know who raped me,” I say without looking at her. I put the pasta into the microwave. “It worked. I remembered something.“

  I wish it hadn’t worked. I don’t want to know anymore. I mean who else did I think could be the rapist? Who? Jason maybe?

  “I’m sorry,” she says. “I mean it’s great, but I guess it wasn’t easy for you.”

  “No,” I say. “It was horrible.”

  “I remembered, too,” she says. “But I couldn’t see the man clearly. That’s worse. I had to go through the session without any result other than having to experience all the pain again.”

  “I know,” I say. “I wanted to know, and now I do.”

  46

  Hypnotherapy Session 2

  Ms. Berry convinced me to go to the second session, so I can maybe recognize him. Why can’t I tell her who it is? I want to tell her it’s not necessary because I already know what happened. I know who it was.

  I’m awake again, stumbling through the wo
ods. I see a cabin, so I walk towards it. I feel ashamed because I’m naked. What if someone sees me? What if a teacher sees me like this? I don’t want to be seen naked.

  “Hey,” I think I hear him say, but I can’t reply.

  My surroundings are blurry. The sound is dull. When he comes closer I smell the alcohol. Beer. I stumble forward and he

  “What the hell are you doing here, huh?,” he says. “Pretty angel.”

  Pretty angel? Are my ears making a mistake? Did he say that? Who is this? Some forester? Am I making things up because of the alcohol inside of me? I fall over, and he catches me. His hands land on my back and my ass. I feel something hard and cold on my back. He still has a bottle in his hand. He drops it before we start moving.

  “Let’s get you inside,” he says.

  Suddenly I lie on a mattress. I don’t know how I got here. Again I feel something inside of me. A man bends over me. How? How can this happen to me twice? I don’t get it? Someone should help me and not rape me once again. Why do they do this to me. He groans as well. Loud and with his eyes closed. Out of nowhere he starts laughing. Then he stops. He’s really drunk.

  “I love dreams like these,” he mumbles. “Fantasies.”

  I want to scream “this is not a dream”. This is not a fantasy. This is me. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. I want to go home. Sleep. Forget this.

  Again there’s a leap in time. I’m no longer lying on a mattress. I walk towards the cabin number five. I quickly get inside, grab my things and go shower. I shouldn’t have showered. Why? Why did I shower? Because I thought Ms. Downing wouldn’t help me? I should’ve gone to the police. I was too afraid back then. I still am afraid. Not just that. I’m enraged. For the first time I want revenge. I want to see those who did this to me suffer.

  I could see his face. Short beard. Short hair. I was able to recognize him. There is no doubt. I knew now who raped me. The second time. I jump up, turn sidewards and throw up. I feel sick. I don’t want to remember any of this, and I don’t want this baby. Coming here was a bad idea. A yellowish soup lands on the carpet between me and Mrs. Alderton. It looks disgusting.

  “What is wrong, Samantha?,” she asks.

  “I don’t feel so well,” I say and sit up. “Thanks for your time, Mrs. Alderton. I’m so sorry.”

  I run outside. In the hallway I almost bump into Hannah. Everything around my is blurry.

  “Hey,” she says. “I was waiting for you, but I wanted a Twix.”

  Behind her I see the vending machine. I don’t stop. I need fresh air. I need to breathe.

  “Samantha,” she says as I open the door.

  We are allowed to go outside, of course, but the whole area is fenced. It sounds like the Adina Bonham house is a prison. It’s for our own protection. Most of us are pregnant, confused, anxious, depressed. We could hurt ourselves. And the pregnant ones could hurt themselves and the human beings inside their bodies. I stop in front of the main door.

  “Please step back,” the security guard says. He’s old. I could easily push him away and open the steel gate. I don’t want to though. I can’t give birth to this baby on my own. I’m basically a child myself.

  “Sorry,” I say to him and walk towards some benches inbetween a flower meadow.

  “Samantha,” I hear Hannah’s voice. She catches up with me. “What’s up?”

  “Nothing,” I say. I can’t talk about this.

  “Did it work? Did you remember something?”

  I nod. I never thought hypnotherapy is a thing. I thought it’s bullshit.

  “Okay.”

  We sit down on one of the wooden benches. We don’t talk. We don’t have to. For a moment we just sit there and watch a few birds in the sky on the other side of the fence.

  I take a deep breathe before I break the silence. “The boy that raped me…”

  “Yeah.” Hannah doesn’t look at me but she puts her hand onto my thigh.

  “He’s not the father of the baby,” I say. “It’s someone else. I was wrong.”

  “How do you know?” She looks at me confused.

  “I was raped twice.”

  I can see how shocked she is. She’s trying to calm down, to hide it. “Twice?”

  “It was the second guy,” I say. I need to process this. I feel so restless. I shouldn’t sit here. I want to run a few miles, throw stones into the lake, do something that involves movement. “I couldn’t finish the session. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  It wasn’t just one guy who raped me. Two raped me that night. Two. Not one. It isn’t Axel’s baby. He didn’t come. The person who raped me afterwards was someone else. It was Mr. Maas. Piper’s Stepfather. That man is a drunk pig. He’s a rapist. I don’t care if he thought it was a dream. He did something wrong. Axel isn’t better. I hate them. I want them to vanish. I want them to stop existing. I want to normal. Not pregnant. At home with Mom and Dad. I want everything to be different.

  I get up and tell Hannah that I want to go to my room. I tell her I really don’t want any company now. She nods, and I walk away. I’m not going to tell Mrs. Alderton or anybody else. Because it’s too late to punish him. It’s too late to prove that he raped me. I would have to wait until the baby’s born. He could say I wanted it. That we had an affair. My head aches. I don’t need those memories. I wish I could unsee everything. I don’t want to see his body leaned over mine. I don’t want to see his face.

  part V

  47

  Today is the day you’re moving in with me. The old white moving van is parked in front of the house. We’re carrying the boxes upstairs while Dana and Kye are in school. I work from home these days, so I can help you settle in. And I also don’t want you to be all alone in my apartment. I put down one of the boxes and look outside the window. You’re moving into a small room that I used as an office slash storage room. You and Dana are going to share this room. You really don’t have any money right now. And no one’s going to hire you soon. Paola is not a good referee. She isn’t too fond of you.

  I helped her to see the real you. I wasn’t fully honest. Some of the things she discovered are made up. Truth is you’ve done some online shopping on your computer in the office. You’ve spent hours on Instagram and YouTube instead of working. I’ve added some private phone calls, lasting for hours. You’ve also leaked confidential information on our customers and partners. You’re the Julian Assange of lalamilan. Some of this may be fake, but I know for a fact that you stole money from the fashion store you worked at as a student. Not once but many times. Despite all the other things you’ve never been punished for, this is the least relevant. But by making you jobless I’m coming one step closer to destroying you.

  Through the window, that’s covered with raindrops from a shower an hour ago, I stare at you carrying one of the remaining boxes out of the van and into the house. Suddenly I think of Hannah. She moved back to Virginia with her baby. A girl named Anne. Anne is my middle name. She was inspired by her roommate. Her fellow sufferer. Me. I felt honored. I want to visit her soon. I’ve never met a human being so kind, funny and honest before. She is my soulmate in a way. We get along perfectly. She is always there for me. I mean not now. Not as long as I’m Blair. I miss her so much.

  “There’s a lamp and one box with cutlery left,” you say. You’re standing right behind my back.

  We have to carry all the boxes ourselves because you don’t have any savings. How come a single mother of a child doesn’t have savings? You did have a job. Losing your job can happen anytime. You need to learn how to manage your money. Especially since you are responsible for not only yourself but another human being, too young to take care of itself. You even admitted that you are too lazy to cancel all your monthly subscriptions. I shouldn’t mind.

  “Good,” I say. “Go get them out of the van. I’m gonna make us some tea.”

  You give me a surprised look. “Okay, princess.”

  “You’ll forgive me,” I say and smile. “It’s your s
tuff. Hurry.”

  After half an hour you’re finally back. You’ve brought back the van. That’s why it took some time.

  “The salesman wanted a date with me,” you told me. “But no, thank you, you’re not my type.” Not your type of income level you mean.

  As promised there’s tea in the living room, so we sit down and enjoy the hot drinks. You put some extra spoons of sugar into your mug. Out of nowhere you start crying.

  “Joe wants full custody,” you say, still sniffling. “I was so angry at Paola that I told him about it. He thinks I’m not capable of taking care of my daughter.”

  “It’s okay,” I say and hug you. I’m actually glad. He can care for Dana when you’re gone. For a second I think about her. Is it fair to take away her mother? I’ve experienced the same thing. My mother was killed by some stupid and drunk teenagers. You were in the car. You’re just as guilty as Francine. “I’m sure he doesn’t mean it.”

  “He does,” you say. “He wants her. And his fucking girlfriend Vera wants her.” Before I can say anything you continue talking. “Maybe I should say he’s abusing her.” You and Blair are way too similar. “Not like something serious but a little. You know. That he did something wrong. That he’s not a good father.”

  “That’s not a good idea,” I say. For once I’m telling you the truth. That’s what’s on my mind right now. No filter this time. No Blair intervening.

  “That way I can keep her,” you say.

  “You’ll need proof,” I argue.

  “I’ll make it up,” you say. “I’m not giving my daughter to some idiot.”

  “Do what feels right,” I say. What an awful advice.

  Sometimes a man is a good father but he’s not a good human. It took me years to figure out who raped me that night. It took me loads of sessions of therapy to cope with that night and more sessions of hypnotherapy to know their faces. It was painful to go through that night all over again. I’ll never understand why those things happen. Is it just lust? A perverse malfunction in their brain? What makes men or women rape other people? It took me another load of sessions with my psychotherapist Ms. Alderton to get rid of my anger. It didn’t work obviously. At first I thought it did, but I can’t watch those people continue their lives after they had destroyed mine. Nobody can take that pain away. I have to take care of it myself. For a long time, I wasn’t sure if Kye’s father was Axel or Sander Maas. I had to collect DNA samples. I did have some help to gather some item that belong to Axel, a razor that my assistant got from the locker room at Maywood High. Axel’s a junior sports coach now. He wasn’t accepted at any of the community colleges in Pennsylvania.