Nelson Branco's Soap Opera Uncensored: Issue 38
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THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS — Here We Go Again: Miller Re-signs!
• Is it “Miller Time” on Y&R? SOAPS IN DEPTH reported recently that Billy Miller has re-signed with the number-one sudser. However, UNCENSORED has learned from insiders that Miller re-signed months ago and only extended his contract until November (that may have changed, though).
Why? Astute UNCENSORED readers may recall I hinted that Miller’s Australian sojourn to film a TV-movie with Harvey Keitel would be equally good news for Y&R fans. Well, in order to get the time off to do the film, Y&R reportedly made a deal with Miller that he’d make up the lost time with a mini-renewal since they didn’t have to let him go — and had to rewrite story to let him out. So, unless he ended up re-signing again for a longer period of time (and none of my sources have heard anything at press time) it looks like Miller could still bolt.
“He wants to leave Y&R, like, bad,” confirms a friend. “But he’s not leaving without a permanent job. The good news is that pilot season is around the corner but he may have to re-sign for another year before he starts auditioning again.” Stay tuned.
Interesting aside: I ran into Miller at the DAYTIME EMMYS, and I joked to him, “You still on Y&R?” I’ll keep his reaction between us.
• Shhh… Jeanne Cooper’s got a secret she wants to tell you. Or more like a dozen. I received an uncorrected proof of the Emmy winner’s upcoming memoir, NOT YOUNG, STILL RESTLESS (horrible title, I know) and I can’t put it down. Expect a review of the first memoir of its kind in daytime TV! I’m also interviewing the Great Dame in the coming days for a big feature in HELLO! CANADA, so watch out for that, kids!
Not too surprisingly, Cooper doesn’t hold anything back — and lays herself bare for all of us to see. You know, the reason why one writes a memoir.
In her trademark, blunt style, you can literally hear the soap vet’s raspy voice recount her early days of what it was like being in the old Hollywood studio system; the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of a couple of relatives; her fights with Brenda Dickson; her loyal friendship with Bill Bell (tales which actually provide more insight and psychology into the mastermind’s mind than Michael Maloney’s flaccid Bill Bell bio); and the shocking revelation that she had a sizzling romantic and sexual affair with her onscreen son, Beau Kayser!
WTF? Shut. The. Front. Door. Esther! Nothing shocks me, but I literally dropped the book when I finished that chapter. Kim Zimmer, who? Now this is my kind of memoir!
In addition, Cooper expertly and pointedly summarizes the myriad problems facing daytime TV today and where they originated from.
The Emmy winner also reams her former publicist Charles Sherman a new one in the sassy tome! Also: She writes a beautiful tribute to Crystal Chappell. Make sure you buy your copy when the memoir is released on July 31. You won’t regret it!
And I’m only halfway through the book, so far!
• Don’t shoot the messenger, kids: The highly anticipated Y&R “new” opening credits will not be reinvented but only include new shots of “new-ish” actors. That’s it. As for when the credits will finally roll, I have no idea. I’ve been relying on intel posted by actors on Twitter but it seems like Y&R can’t even update a previously existing opening with insert shots on time. In the meantime, GH executive producer Frank Valentini produced one visually stunning new opener on less money and time almost two weeks ago. I’ll probably split the atom by the time Y&R debuts this thing.
• From Ashley to Ashes: Eileen Davidson’s last tape day was June 21. My moles tell me that Ashley will simply leave town…. to Salem!
• Y&R is the best thing that ever happened to former sitcom stars! The latest D-lister to be transplanted in Genoa City is SAVED BY THE BELL’s Dennis Haskins, best known for his role as Principal Richard Belding. He’ll play a priest. Guess Corbin Bernsen really had enough of working on his mother’s crappy sudser, huh? FYI: Haskins' debuts on July 13.
Speaking about Y&R’s “stunt casting,” a role the very talented Brett Butler should’ve played was Ricky’s grandmother — not some neighbour.
REMOTE CONTROL
The Sudsy Triumphs! The Soapy Malfunctions!
FAST-FORWARD
>> Y&R — Law & Disorder!
OJ Simpson should move to Genoa City: When was the last time Y&R arrested a guilty party during an investigation? This soap really is its own worst enemy. After the unexpectedly thrilling but depressing Ricky denouement, which climaxed when Paul had to kill his own son in order to save the life of a hair model (actually, the actress who plays Eden isn’t bad but the character is about as compelling as a Mitt Romney speech), I once again vowed not to watch Y&R again! Sound familiar?
On what planet would a police department suspect a private detective of murder when he was clearly trying to save a woman’s life in a hostage situation? Paul shot Ricky in the shoulder, which threw him through a window. Ugh!
To prove my point, let’s look at all the Genoa City residents who have been thrown in the slammer in the past few years (just off the top of my head): Katherine, Victor, Nikki, Sharon, Deacon, Kevin, Michael, Jeffrey, Gloria, Adam, Phyllis, Daniel, Kevin, Amber, Lauren, Abby, and Ashley.
Because Y&R arrests everyone and anyone, the criminal stories they tell (which are a lot) lose its impact because the guilty party is never thrown in jail or suspected.
On the rare occasion a genuine criminal is incarcerated like Daisy, Deacon, and Colin, they get off scot-free.
With three — count ‘em three — co-head writers this kind of sloppy writing is unforgivable and unnecessary. The writing team of Y&R probably costs Sony at least $5 million, if not more, a year… surely, they can dot there I’s and cross their T’s, non?
The only person who deserves to be in jail these days is Maria Arena Bell herself for making a mockery of her late, great father-in-law’s once-untouchable, stellar classic soap. Did La Bell not read Michael Maloney’s Bill Bell memoir? Or she too busy at MOCA giving rim jobs to the fashion elite?
THE IDIOT RATINGS
GOOD AFTERNOON AMERICA OFF TO SLOW START!
Due to the July 4th holiday, daytime-TV ratings were not in but UNCENSORED can report on THE REVOLUTION’s (and ONE LIFE’s) replacement, GOOD AFTERNOON SHITHEADS.
According to ratings king, Mark Berman: Yesterday marked the debut of newsmagazine GAA, which is initially slated on ABC in the weekday 2 p.m. ET hour for nine weeks. Anchored by Lara Spencer and Josh Elliott, initial interest from the audience will determine, of course, if this extension of GOOD MORNING AMERICA will continue past the summer. As it stands, veteran serial GENERAL HOSPITAL will move into the 2 p.m. hour in the fall, leading into new Disney-ABC talker KATIE, hosted by Katie Couric.
One day of metered market data does not a hit or miss make, of course. But based on the weighted Nielsen averages in the 56-metered markets for Monday, July 9, GOOD AFTERNOON AMERICA disappointed with a 1.7 rating/5 share in households. Comparably, the lead-in average was a 1.8/ 5 and the July 2011 time period was a 2.0/ 6. GOOD AFTERNOON AMERICA also lost steam from both benchmarks in two of the three key demos…women 25-54 and women 18-34…as follows:
Women 18-49:
July 2011: 1.0/ 7, Lead-in: 0.7/ 5, GAA: 0.7/ 5
Women 25-54:
July 2011: 1.2/ 8, Lead-in: 0.9/ 6, GAA: 0.8/ 6
Women 18-34:
July 2011: 0.6/ 4, Lead-in: 0.6/ 4, GAA: 0.5/ 4
Stay tuned for more overnight results this week.
SOAP PORN: Next Week's Soapgasms
Can’t watch all the soaps this week? No worries — here’s a cheat sheet!
Top Shows to Watch:
1. THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL
2. THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS
3. GENERAL HOSPITAL
Top Storylines to Watch:
1. Crushing The Bug, Y&R
2. EJ and Will Went Up A Hill, DAYS
3. Dangerous Liason, GH
Top A
ctresses to Watch:
1. Michelle Stafford, Y&R
2. Crystal Chappell, B&B
—tie— Joanna Johnson, B&B
4. Finola Hughes, GH
5. Robin Mattson, GH
Top Actors to Watch:
1.James Scott, DAYS
--tie—Chandler Massey, DAYS
3. Michael Muhney, Y&R
4. Jason Thompson, GH
5. Sean Blakemore, GH
Top 3 Eye Candy:
1. Marco Dapper, Y&R
2. James Scott, DAYS
3. Michael Easton, GH
Top Duos to Watch:
1. Jason and Liz, GH
2. Sam and John, GH
3. EJ and Will, DAYS
Top Couples to Fast-Forward Through:
1. Sharon and Victor, Y&R
2. Marcus and Dayzee, B&B
3. Cameron and Abby, DAYS
Top Dream Couples:
1. Will and EJ, DAYS
2. Will and Sonny, DAYS
3. Will and Chad, DAYS
Top Rivals:
1. Liz and Sam, GH
2. Heather and Port Charles, GH
3. Anna and Tracy, GH
Top New-ish Duos to Watch:
1. Danielle and Karen, B&B
2. Chelsea and Adam, Y&R
3. Abby and Carmine, Y&R
Top Tweeters:
1. Joshua Morrow: @joshuamorrowYR
2. GeorgeGuzman: @georgeguzman
3. Crystal Chappell: @crystalchappell
Top Episodes To Watch:
1.Tuesday: Y&R’s Ashley makes a final decision about her marriage to Tucker Fucker. “John Black is a better option,” she realizes.
2. Thursday: Neil and YoHarmony take careful steps towards a