Stumble Forward

by Alex Jane

  Jack looked at him in surprise. “It is to some people, Alec. To a lot of people. Here, maybe not so much, but back home—” He walked to the bathroom, his thought trailing off and sighed, “Well, I guess if you all met at Berkley, things must be a little different there.”

  Alec sat and listened to Jack brushing his teeth. When Jack walked out of the bathroom, Alec was ready to talk over geographically changing levels of tolerance and whether or not he’d upset Jack by claiming him as soon as Matt had asked or by behaving as if they were a couple all evening but the sight of Jack in nothing but his briefs made him whimper and forget his train of thought.

  Jack smirked at his reaction and headed for the bed. Alec started to say, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean —” But Jack waved his words away.

  “What I do want to know,” he said quietly, as he slid his thigh in between Alec’s knees, “the thing between you and Phil—” Alec tensed and Jack seemed to feel it and backtracked, “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.” He shook his head and leaned down stroking the side of Alec’s face with his hand and pressed his lips to the top of Alec’s head.

  Alec drank in the sight of him, his tanned skin, firm body, the bulge of his bicep, his sweet face, kind eyes and filthy mouth. His words were rough when they came. “Jack. Right now I’m feeling like everything is your business. You won’t like it though. It’s not—I wasn’t—”

  Jack leaned forward and ran a hand down Alec’s arm, stilling his mouth. “It’s okay. Really. Why don’t you come to bed? We can talk about it in the morning.”

  Alec shook his head. “Bed, yes but I feel like if I leave this ‘til morning, I won’t be able to go through with it.”

  When Alec did eventually slip in beside Jack, kissing him all minty-fresh, he considered that maybe he should wait until morning as exhaustion suddenly swept over him. But then Jack’s long arms were wrapping around him and he couldn’t bear Jack to touch him any longer without knowing the truth. He twisted away, pressing his back into Jack’s chest, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get the words out if he could see Jack’s eyes watching him.

  Alec took a breath. “If I’m gonna do this, you have to just let me tell it okay? It’s still hard for me to—”

  Jack nodded and pressed his cheek alongside Alec’s neck, his stubble strangely comforting, then was still, waiting but not pushing, so Alec began.

  “We met at college, Phil and I, second year. I mean, I’d seen him around and all before that, but we met at a party in the second year, realized we were both from Texas and had stuff in common, music and— and that was that. He was like the brother I never knew I had.”

  Alec felt Jack’s grip tighten around him. He ran his hand down Jack’s forearm and slotted his fingers between those Jack was holding against his chest, and Jack pulled him closer.

  “And it was great. And college was great and we worked hard and partied a lot and then—then Phil’s sister, Stella came to visit—” He took a deep breath and sighed, “and she was smart and funny and—”

  Alec decided to leave out beautiful and hot and fucking unbelievable in bed and how he had fallen in love with her instantly. It was a sin of omission but the tight, reassuring grip that Jack had on him was already starting to loosen.

  “And we got on really well. And after all kinds of threats of violence from Phil and a few more visits from her, we started dating. And then, after we graduated, Phil went home to Dallas, I went with him, and Stella and me— we moved in together.”

  Alec paused, fully expecting Jack to pull away. He felt him shift but if anything, he moved closer. Jack pulled himself up the bed slightly and slotted tighter against Alec’s back. He tugged at Jack’s hand that was entwined in his, bringing it to his mouth, kissing soft at the palm before placing it back on his heart.

  “And everything was fine,” The words were a little croaky so he cleared his throat. “But then I got this job. It was just a programming job, nothing too complicated. The pay was good but the hours were brutal and the boss was a total hardass. I should have quit.”

  He wanted to say that he couldn’t because Stella was finishing her final year and he was supporting them both, and that the job market for his skill-set in Dallas at that point was dire and that the job had such great advancement potential that he would have been an idiot to leave but he was past making excuses. The truth was, he should have quit. But he didn’t.

  “I should have. And there were a bunch of guys there. They were great to hang out with and we used to party quite a lot. Stella was always so busy with schoolwork, so I would stay out to give her some space and they were fun. And pretty early on, we went to a party and someone had some coke and they offered me a line and I thought, ‘Why not?’”

  Alec wasn’t even thinking about Jack’s reactions anymore, not that there were any for him to notice. Jack held on as Alec huffed out a bitter laugh and kept going.

  “And it just became the norm. Hard day at work, a few beers and a couple of lines to cut loose at the end of the day. But then somehow it became a beer and a couple of lines at lunch to get through the afternoon. It didn’t take long ‘til I was keeping the fucking stuff in my desk drawer and didn’t care what time of the day or night it was.”

  He shifted in Jack’s arms, feeling suddenly uncomfortable, the places where their skin met going clammy and hot.

  “Stella was worried but she thought it was just the booze. It seemed like I had to get slaughtered just to sleep and she kept trying to get me to slow down, to quit drinking—”

  Alec brought his free hand up and covered his face, trying to block out the memory of her face, red-eyed, tear-streaked and pleading, begging him, trying to make him see that he was hurting not only himself, but her too.

  “And then she opened the letter from the property agency giving us notice because the last three months I’d spent the rent money on—”

  His chest heaved, an unexpected sob coming out of the blue, taking him by surprise but Jack caught him, holding him tighter, kissing the back of his neck and squeezing their interlaced fingers against Alec’s chest. Alec took a deep breath and tried to pull himself together.

  “She was coming up for finals. The timing couldn’t have been worse. Phil had no idea about what had been going on. So when she told him, he went berserk. He came over and the three of us got into the most God-awful fight. I was so high and I can’t even really remember what we were saying but then Stella—”

  He swallowed and steeled himself.

  “Then Stella said that she’d had enough. That she was leaving me. I couldn’t take it. I really thought we would be together forever. I lost it. Started smashing stuff up. Phil tried to stop me. I took a swing at him, but missed and—”

  Blood. There was so much blood. He remembered his first thought was that he’d killed her. And his second was that he needed a hit.

  “I punched Stella. And she fell. She hit her head on the glass coffee table. I just panicked. Collapsed. Phil called the ambulance. She’d badly cut her head on the glass and had a minor concussion. She wouldn’t let the cops press charges, said it was an accident. I went to the hospital to see her. Phil was there.”

  Alec smiled sadly and brought his hand, and by default Jack’s, up and ran the back of their fingers over the scar on his jaw.

  “He punched me so hard he split my face clean open. I went straight home, packed a bag and hadn’t seen either of them since.”

  Alec sighed, a long deep breath, like he’d been holding it for weeks and all the tension flowing out on the exhale.

  “I wrote. When I got to step nine, I wrote them both. Stella was—forgiving. She wrote me back and she was—we keep in touch but I don’t think she ever wants to see me again. The memories, not just of the way it ended but of all the plans we made, the life we were going to have, it’s just too painful. It took Phil a long time to write me back. He was so angry, more than Stella I think, so tonight—when I saw him—”

  Jack pulled back, leaving a s
pace and rolled Alec into it so he could see his face. Alec tried to turn away, not wanting Jack to see his red eyes and snot and self-pity but Jack took hold of his chin and gently pulled him around. He looked at Alec for a long moment before bending and placing a chaste kiss on his lips.

  As Jack pulled up, he looked deep into Alec’s eyes and said, “It appears you’ve been forgiven.”

  Jack quickly swooped down to kiss him again, harder, deeper this time, as Alec’s face started to crumple under the weight of the sobs coming out of him.

  <•••>

  The next morning Alec reached out for Jack but found only emptiness in the bed next to him. For a moment, dread took him over, the weight of last night’s confession rushing back with a vengeance and screaming that no one could blame Jack for upping and leaving now that he knew what a pathetic loser Alec was. His self-flagellation only lasted a few seconds, though. The noise of Jack fumbling around in the hallway with the keycard made Alec realize what had woken him. Alec rolled over and looked at Jack, or the bleary version of him that he could see through his sleepy eyes.

  “Hey,” he croaked out and Jack beamed at him.

  “Morning, beautiful. I brought breakfast.”

  “Y’know, I have a breakfast meeting, right?” Alec struggled to get himself upright, somehow getting tangled in the loose cover of one of the pillows, having to punch it down until he could comfortably slump back against the headboard.

  Jack shrugged and held out a cup marked with his name scribbled in black marker. It smelled of heaven and Alec happily took it as Jack remarked, “I figured after last night they might want to put it back an hour. Though, even if they didn’t, you probably need the extra caffeine after last night.” Jack grinned and held out a paper bag to Alec. Alec eyed it suspiciously but took it anyway, groaning when he looked inside.

  “How did you know?” he managed to mumble, despite the vanilla cream donut hanging out of his mouth.

  Jack laughed. “What? I know stuff! I pay attention.” His tone was so earnest Alec couldn’t help smiling.

  “Okay, creeper.” Alec had a mouthful of donut but Jack kissed him anyway, licking the sugar from his lips as he pulled away. Alec smiled and went on, “So, you coming to this meeting with me, or you want to hang out here ‘til I get back?”

  “God, yes, I live to hear you guys talk about client databases and market growth and crowd surfing—”

  Alec laughed. “Crowd sourcing. God, are we really that boring?”

  “No. Not individually but together—” Jack popped a piece of his pastry into his mouth and rolled his eyes. “Nothing against you nerds. It’s not really my thing.”

  “Fair enough. Well, I shouldn’t be too long, I think the point of this whole escapade was mostly for Matt to see if Phil was going to try to rip my head off, so now we established that to be unlikely, they probably just want to get a schedule organized.”

  “So, you’re going to take it?” Jack’s words were so quiet, Alec barely caught them. He seemed to almost whisper them to the cup held in his lap.

  Alec swallowed. He sat up and placed his coffee on the bedside cabinet. “Yes. Yes I am.”

  Jack didn’t look up, just nodded to himself. “Good. You should. It is such a good opportunity. You shouldn’t pass it up.”

  Alec wasn’t sure that he even intended to say it until after the words had left his lips and then he realized that he had wanted to say them from the moment Jack had appeared in his hotel room the day before. “You could come. Here. To Austin. With me.”

  Jack looked up, some confusion on his face, seeming unsure what Alec was really saying. Alec leaned forward, taking hold of Jack’s forearm with both his hands. “You could come with me. Live here. With me. I don’t want to lose you, Jack. Please.”

  Alec wasn’t quite sure what he had imagined Jack would say or how he would react, so when Jack turned away slowly, and looked out the window, and said, “Can I think about it?” Alec wasn’t sure how to feel, so he just nodded, then they both sat in silence until the coffee was gone and the day had to begin.

  The meeting passed quickly. Both Matt and Phil were sorry that Jack didn’t join them and regaled David with tales of Alec’s ‘giant’. Alec blushed like an idiot and did everything to turn the talk back to business, while Matt and Phil were high-fiving each other over finally having something that got Alec flustered. It was like college again, back before the darkness had come between them.

  When he got back to the hotel, Jack was ready to go and they set off almost immediately, packing what little they had into Alec’s car and reluctantly headed home.

  They were both pretty quiet to start with, the awkwardness of the morning thawing as the hours and miles went by. After a while, they were arguing about the radio station, laughing at each other’s choice of music until they found a country station they both liked. By the time they got to debating the merits of the starting line-up for the Tornados that weekend, and listing their top five cars complete with stats and mileage to the gallon to make their point, the tension of the morning was forgotten. The second half of the journey took a little longer than the first. Apparently Jack’s favorite car-game was ‘Talk Dirty to Alec’. So Alec found himself pulling over to what seemed like every other gas station so that they could grope each other without fear of causing an accident, Alec desperate to get relief from all the filthy things Jack had been whispering into his ear for the previous fifty miles.

  All too soon, they were pulling up outside Jack’s house. Alec switched off the ignition and sat back. They smiled at each other for the longest time, before Jack stretched his long arm back and pulled his duffel from the back seat into his lap.

  “I’m—I’m glad you came, Jack,” Alec said.

  Jack nodded, not taking his eyes off the strap he was turning in his hands until he replied quietly, “I want to.” Alec didn’t understand what he meant, until Jack smiled softly. “I want to come with you. To Austin—I don’t want to lose you either.”

  Alec’s heart leaped and without thinking he leaned over and kissed Jack on the mouth. As soon as he’d done it, he sprang back, putting a hand to his lips, muttering, “Sorry! Oh God, sorry, I wasn’t thinking. Sorry.”

  But Jack was laughing. He shrugged, “Doesn’t really matter now, does it? We’ll be gone before they can run us out of town.” And he smiled so widely, looking truly happy and relaxed and Alec felt a huge surge of love for him, because that’s what it was—this feeling that had overtaken him and made him feel whole—it was love.

  Jack leaned over and kissed him, long and deep, Alec’s hands going up to cup his face and draw him in deeper still. When they finally pulled apart, Alec thought his grin might rip his face clean in two and Jack was similarly beaming. Until he wasn’t.

  It only took a glance for Jack’s smile to fall away, his eyes fixed on a spot over Alec’s shoulder. He froze, his skin suddenly sallow and where Alec was touching him, he thought he felt Jack’s heart rate rocket up. Alec twisted in his seat and behind them, on the steps to Jack’s house, Alicia stood, both hands over her mouth and utter betrayal in her eyes.

  Alec couldn’t breathe. He felt his stomach bottom out, and he yanked away from Jack, even though it was far too late. He clenched his eyes shut, braced his hands white hard on the steering wheel, hissing, “Shitshitshit,” under his breath.

  He started to reach for the door release, but Jack barked, “Don’t!” his voice ragged, and grabbing Alec’s arm tight. “Don’t. You should go. Please. Let me handle this.”

  Alec glared at him but Jack was already out the door. Alec called out, “Jack, I’m not going to leave you to face this on your own! We both did this.”

  Jack looked in through the window and fixed him with an unnervingly hard stare. “Yes, you are! Alec, I swear—if you stay, it’ll make it worse. Let me talk to her okay? I’ll call you later. Just go. Please.”

  It wasn’t a request. Alec glanced over at Alicia but her eyes were fixed on Jack who was wal
king around the back of the car, his hands outstretched like he was approaching a wild animal. As he turned the ignition and pulled away, Alicia started screaming and launched herself at Jack.

  Alec could see her in the rearview mirror as he drove down the street, clawing ineffectually at Jack’s chest before slumping down into the road at his feet; the sound of her keening cries audible over the engine.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Alec tossed his bag through the open front door into the hall. It skidded along the floor, the hard plastic feet scratching along the tile until it collided with the small table, sending the delicate vase into a precarious rocking motion.

  He knew Jack was right, if he had stayed it would have made everything so much worse. Alicia would have felt so trapped, and overwhelmed. It would have been too much for her to take after seeing the two of them—like that.

  Still, he didn’t have to like it. Alec could feel the rage boiling up in him, at himself for being so stupid, at having to leave Jack there to deal with the repercussions of what they had done by himself, and out of fear. Fear that somehow Alicia would make Jack change his mind about coming to live with him in Austin.

  He slammed the door shut behind him, slumped back against it and dragging his hands through his hair, as he slid into a heap on the ground.

  “Alec?”

  Alec looked up, startled, to find his mom was standing over him, glasses dangling from one hand, an open book, pages splayed, in the other.

  “Mom?”

  “Jesus, what happened?” She squatted down in front of him, and from the concern on her face, he could see she was imagining the very worst. She reached out to him and placed one hand on each shoulder.

  Alec let his hands slide down until they covered his face, muffling his voice. “I think I just fucked everything up. Everything.”

  His mom took hold of his hands and pulled them away from his face, holding them tightly together between her own. She ducked her head so he had to look at her. “Did you use?” Alec hadn’t expected anything less. If he were in her position it would be his first thought too. He didn’t speak, simply shook his head. She breathed out a sigh of relief and shook him. “Things are rarely so broken they can’t be fixed, hon. Come on.” She stood, lightly tugging his hands. “You talk. I’ll make coffee.”