If I Fall

by Britt Morgan

  “Yes,” she said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I do.”

  I pulled my head back and turned around, meeting Ty’s eyes. He said nothing, encouraging me to handle it myself, but I wasn’t sure I could. The night had been miserable, painful—a nightmare. And yet, more than anything, I, too, wanted to buy a bottle of vodka and get wasted. Desperately.

  “Look, Ava.” I turned back around in the seat to face her, overwhelmed and unsure of how to continue from here. She was looking at me expectantly, dabbing on some pink lip-gloss, completely oblivious to the one thing that could ultimately destroy her. “I spent the night at Jay’s last night,” I said. Ava’s eyes flickered from my face to Ty’s, her brow furrowing in confusion.

  “But, um—isn’t he, like, gay?”

  “That’s not what I was getting at,” I said, flustered. “I spent the night at his place so I could detox, like you did in the hospital.”

  “Oh, God.” She twisted the cap back onto her gloss and stared at me. “Why would you subject yourself to that?”

  “To get clean,” I answered. “Why else?”

  “Yeah,” Ava said. “But why?”

  “Probably to get control of her life back,” said Ty. I let out a breath of relief, wondering—if anything—that she would at least hear him out. After all, he’d been the one who had to keep her breathing the night of the overdose.

  “That’s exactly why,” I murmured. There was a moment of silence, like standing in a high school hallway sizing up your opponent before a big fight. Ava was staring at Ty with a look that screamed I will shank you in your sleep. I cleared my throat, and she shot me the same look.

  “Who in the hell is this guy who thinks he can come in here and fix us?” Ava said finally.

  “I picked you up off the floor after you overdosed on drugs,” Ty said. “Khloe had to start your heart again, Ava.” He sounded irritated now, and I couldn’t blame him. I was, too.

  “He’s not trying to fix us,” I said quickly. “He’s trying to help us.”

  “I can’t fix what’s not broken,” Ty said. His tone was calmer now—patient. He watched her in the mirror, but Ava was scowling. “I just didn’t want to see either of you hurt—or killed.”

  “Oh please.” Still glaring at me, she shoved her cosmetics into her purse and rested her fingers on the door handle. “You can let me out here,” she said. “I don’t need this bullshit.”

  “Ava,” I pleaded. “Don’t leave. He just wants to help. I want to help you.”

  “I don’t need your help, perra!” Ava shouted. It took me a moment to realize that Ty was slowing the car.

  “What are you doing?” I cried, spinning towards him. “You can’t let her out here.”

  “I have to,” he said. “She wants to go.”

  “You didn’t let me go!” I shrieked. As the car rolled to a stop, Ava shoved open the door and got out, practically fuming from the ears.

  “You wanted help from Jay and me, Khloe. Ava doesn’t.” Ty squeezed my shoulder. His expression was somber, but I wanted to smack him for giving up so easily. Instead of hitting him, I shrugged his hand off and turned back towards the window.

  “Ava, please!” I called. “Just let us help you.”

  “Púdrete!” Ava shouted. “Screw you, Khloe.” She stormed off, her pace never slowing, until she turned the corner and was out of sight. For a moment, I considered going after her, maybe tackling her, but I didn’t. I was frozen to the seat, shocked, wondering where during that conversation it had gone so wrong. Ty and I watched her go, silent as we listened to the cars zoom past us on the road.

  “She’s fun,” he said finally. “Like a firecracker.”

  “Or a fucking rocket launcher,” I muttered. Ty looked over at me and grinned. I couldn’t resist smiling back. For a moment, we sat in the still silence of the car, not speaking, only being.

  “I’m afraid,” I said finally. “I’m afraid of going after Ava, because I’m afraid of what I might do.” I hesitated, closing my eyes as Ty pulled back out and joined the traffic on the road.

  “You’re afraid of the influence she’ll have on you?” he asked, but it wasn’t really a question. I hesitated, but only briefly. It didn’t take much for him to be able to read me—I had come to find that out fairly quickly, even despite my hesitance to open up to him at all.

  “Yes,” I said. “Not just afraid, though. I’m terrified.”

  “Good,” Ty said, and looked at me. “That means you’re doing it right.”

  Chapter 31

  November 1, 2017

  She’s determined. And driven. I just wish she could see in herself what I see in her. Maybe someday she will.

  I hoped that khloe would stay sober for Halloween. She didn’t. I spent most of the night fighting her to come home, prying the keys from her hands…being yelled at. She’s mean when she drinks. I’m worried she’ll do something rash one day. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost her.

  * * *

  “He didn’t seem to care how it would feel to lose him.” I closed the journal resisting the urge to throw it, and handed it to Jay, who set it down on the coffee table. Ty had brought me back to Jay’s place after our fiasco with Ava, because I couldn’t bring myself to be home alone and Ty had to go back to work on the ambulance. I knew if I let myself fall back into the black hole of self-pity and loathing, I’d head straight for the liquor store, and we’d be back at square one. I had come to realize that I didn’t want to put Jay or Ty through another night of withdrawals. I was afraid to lose them, scared that if they had to deal with me like that again they would walk out of my life and never return. Then I’d really be screwed.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” Jay asked. I sipped at my glass of soda, feeling the cool of the ice against my fingertips.

  “Do you have all day?” I said with a grin.

  “I do,” he said, and I found myself wanting to wrap my arms around him and never let go.

  “I’m worried,” I admitted. “I’m worried about losing you and I’m worried about losing Ty.”

  “I don’t believe you’ll lose either of us,” Jay said. “That boy is smitten with you, Khloe. Coming here in the middle of the night to help through a crisis isn’t an easy feat for men—I speak from experience.”

  “He probably just felt obligated. I’m sure you do, too.”

  “Not obligated,” he said. “We just couldn’t not. Give us both a chance, okay? We won’t leave.”

  “I’ll try to keep you around forever,” I said with a slight grin. “I’m not so sure I’m ready for love, though. Ty deserves better than me.”

  “You don’t have to be ready for love,” Jay said. He leaned back into the couch and stretched his arms above his head. “You just have to be willing.”

  I sighed and rubbed my temples, trying to ward off a headache.

  “Do you think Ava is okay?” I asked. “She was awfully quick to get away from us today.”

  “I think so.” He shrugged slightly. “I hope so.”

  “I wish she’d let us help.”

  “We can’t help somebody who doesn’t want it.” Jay looked pointedly at the journal on the table, and I felt a pain in my heart.

  “Maybe if Carter would have told somebody he was hurting, he’d still be here,” I said softly.

  “I don’t think he wanted to,” said Jay. “Some people are under the impression that not everything can be fixed. Some people think that they’re just in a dark, black hole that they can’t get out of. Ever.”

  “You don’t think that’s true?” I asked him. Jay’s gaze met mine.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you think everything can be fixed?”

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t think so.” I sat back against the couch, pulling the quilt to my chin. “I think some people are lost in such darkness that the only way out is to end it all.”

  “There are doctors that can help,” Jay said. “And therapists.
And medications. Not to mention friends and family.”

  “Not everyone has people in their corner,” I said. “Some people only have themselves.”

  “Good thing you’re not one of those people, then,” Jay said. He reached over and squeezed my shoulder. “Ava’s not, either. She has you, she has me, and she even has Ty.”

  “I only wish she knew that.” I leaned back and closed my eyes, wishing I knew that everything would be okay. But I didn’t know. And Jay and Ty didn’t know. For all we knew, nothing would ever be okay again.

  * * *

  It was seven AM when the buzz of my cell phone woke me from my awkward position on Jay’s couch. I opened one eye, grumbling, and flipped it open.

  “Hullo?”

  “Khloe? It’s Frank.” There was a pause. “Your, uh, father.” I sat up, suddenly awake, pulling the phone away from my ear to look at the caller ID.

  “Hi,” I said. There was a long, drawn-out silence, and I thought for a moment he’d hung up.

  “I’m sorry to bother you,” Frank said finally. His voice sounded hoarse, like he was coming down from a cold. Or a hangover.

  “Are you still in the hospital?” I asked.

  “No. I was released a few days ago.” More silence, and then, “I’m cleaning up, kid, and I was wondering if you’d like to have breakfast with me this morning. If you don’t have anything else going on, of course.” Jay came stumbling out of his bedroom, sleepy-eyed and dressed in boxers and a white tank top. He had kitty cat slippers on his feet as he scuffed across the floor.

  “I guess we can go to breakfast,” I said to Frank. “But I’ll have someone with me.”

  “A boyfriend?” Frank asked. I smiled, thinking of Ty, but it was too early to bring that into the equation.

  “Not exactly.” I scribbled down the name of the restaurant and hung up the phone, suddenly feeling nervous. The last time Frank and I had sat down to a meal, he’d ended up throwing a glass of whiskey at the wall just before I’d heaved a dinner plate at his head. Since then, family dinners had become few and far in between—as in, never.

  “Who was that and what am I required to do?” Jay plopped down next to me on the couch, a cold pop tart in one hand and the TV remote in the other. Gay or straight, they were all the same.

  “It was my dad,” I told him. “My crazy alcoholic dad. He was in the hospital for a while after a car accident. He invited me to breakfast this morning.”

  “Are you comfortable going?” Jay asked.

  “I am if you go with me.” I smiled at him, and Jay’s eyebrows shot straight up.

  “I’m not so sure I—”

  “Carter would have done it,” I said, and Jay glared at me.

  “That’s a crotch shot. You have Ty. Take him.”

  “Ty is working,” I said. “I need you. Did the crotch shot work?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good.” I took the pop tart from his hand, took a small bite, and tossed the rest in the trash. “Save your appetite.”

  As breakfast with Frank drew nearer, I found myself regretting agreeing to go. As we drove, Jay in the driver’s seat singing along to a Britney Spears song on the radio, I tried to recall the last time I’d seen Frank sober besides the night he’d been in the ER. I could think of nothing. I hoped and prayed that he wouldn’t be out of it. Was he sober? Could he sit through a meal in public with this long-lost daughter and act like a father? Or would the morning end with coffee mugs and syrup-clad plates being thrown at one another?

  “You okay?” Jay asked. He reached over and squeezed my hand, and in that moment, I realized how much he was truly starting to mean to me. It wasn’t a romantic relationship that I’d needed this whole time—I’d needed somebody like Carter, someone who cared.

  “Thank you for being here,” I said. “If Carter was here it would be him with me right now, and it’s still too early to bring Ty into this mess called my life.”

  “He might surprise you if you let him,” Jay said. “He looks at you the way I used to look at Carter.”

  “Let’s do one thing at a time,” I said, pushing thoughts of Ty from my mind. “Let’s see if I can survive this breakfast first.”

  Jay and I stepped into the diner, and I spotted Frank at once in a booth in the corner. He saw us and waved, and I had to make a genuine effort to keep from stumbling over myself as we went to sit down with him. A few times, I almost turned and ran, but I forced myself forward, facing it head-on.

  “Thanks for coming,” Frank said. “It’s good to see you, kid.” He glanced from me to Jay.

  “This is a friend of mine,” I said, flustered.

  “I’m Jay Thompson,” he said, saving me the humiliation of choking on my own words.” Frank reached over the table to shake his hand as Jay scooted into the booth seat next to me.

  “Um. Boyfriend?” he asked.

  “No,” I said quickly. Jay smirked. “He’s just a friend.”

  “She’s taken,” Jay said, catching me off guard. “But her boy toy couldn’t be here today, so I’m filling in.” Flushing red, I pinched him under the table, content when his face wrinkled in pain.

  “Oh. Okay.” Frank ran a hand through his scraggly brown hair, and I couldn’t help but to notice that he didn’t look half-bad today. His clothes looked clean, and his hair and teeth were brushed. There was a five ‘o clock shadow appearing on his face, but he smelled like soap. I realized that was the first time I’d seen him look human in years.

  “Are you guys ready to order?” the server asked, and I was relieved for the distraction.

  “It’s on me,” Frank said, looking between Jay and me. “Order whatever you like.”

  Once the food was ordered, the table fell into an awkward silence. I had no idea what to talk about, and neither did Frank. Jay, I noticed, was too enthralled with blowing bubbles in his glass of water to take notice. My father had never been the chattiest of people, even sober, and I’d taken after him in that department. My mother had saved us from awkward conversation starters. She’d been able to befriend anybody.

  “So,” I said finally. I reached for my cup of cocoa and slurped the whipped cream on top. “Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?” Frank stared at me for a moment, as if debating something in his head. I felt tense under his gaze. It had been ages since I’d felt comfortable around my father.

  “No,” he said. “I just wanted to see you.” The server brought our food, and Jay looked relieved to have something else to focus on besides the intensely awkward conversation at hand.

  “You look good,” I said to Frank, picking at my soggy toast. “Sober.”

  “I was just thinking the same about you,” he said, and for some odd reason I felt a flutter of pride. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d given a fuck what he thought about me. Now, for some reason, I did.

  “Khloe just went through detox,” Jay said after a moment. I looked over at him sharply, but he didn’t seem to mind spilling my personal information all over the dining table. “It was hard for her, but she did it. I’m really proud of her.”

  “Why did I bring you?” I hissed under my breath, but I was taken by surprise as Frank reacted to Jay’s statement.

  “I am, too,” he said. “I’m proud of you.” He reached out and rested his hand on top of mine. I started to pull away, but then stopped, feeling my whole body go rigid as our skin touched. After a moment, he pulled his hand back. When I looked up at him, I saw a tear forming in the corner of his eye.

  “Are you okay?” I asked. My dad lowered his fork and rubbed his face, trying to brush it off.

  “I just missed you. You’re my daughter. You mean so much to me.”

  “Just not as much as alcohol,” I said. Beside me, Jay tensed up, but he didn’t say anything. Frank and I stared at each other for a moment, silent, listening to the chatter of breakfast-goers around us. Finally, he spoke.

  “I made a lot of mistakes,” he said. “But getting in that accident made me real
ize how much of my life I’d taken for granted.” He leaned forward, reaching for my hand again. This time I pulled away. “I’m sober, Khloe. I don’t plan to go back to booze or drugs again. Your mother may be gone but you’re still here. As your father, it’s my duty to take care of you.”

  “I’m an adult,” I said. “I can take care of myself.” I didn’t believe that was true, of course, as Jay and Ty had been two of the only reasons I hadn’t ended up in a ditch somewhere unconscious and half-naked—but Frank didn’t need to know that.

  “Give me a chance,” he said. “I beg of you. Let me show you I can be clean and sober, for you.” Jay glanced sideways at me then, encouraging, and it took impressive self-control not to punch him in the face. Instead, I cleared my throat and took another sip of hot cocoa.

  “Show me,” I said. “That’s all you can do.” Frank looked relieved with my answer, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. I wanted so badly to remind him that if he hadn’t chosen to become a junkie in the first place, he wouldn’t have to make it up to me, but I didn’t. After all, I was no better. I’d followed the same path, made my own shitty choices. This was on the both of us.

  “What’s been going on in your life?” he asked after a few minutes. “Anything worth mentioning?”

  “Not really,” I said. “Just—struggling to put my life back together.”

  “Did you ever get your GED? I know you wanted to start college.”

  “No,” I said quietly, a bit caught off guard. I was surprised at how much it pained me to admit to that. “I haven’t been in school at all.”

  “Oh.”

  “But I might sign up for classes.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah.” I set my fork down and pushed my plate aside. “Once I get my GED. There are things I’ve always wanted to do,” I said. “Like finish school. Travel the world. Join the Peace Corps.”

  “So why don’t you?” Jay asked before Frank could open his mouth.