by Red Phoenix
He huffs. “It’s not like I’m losing, Anderson.”
“No, you’re not. You just don’t seem like yourself these days.”
He lets out a long sigh. “Yeah, something’s off and I don’t know what it is.”
“Take my advice—embrace your new freedom and do something productive with it.”
Thane rolls his eyes. “Now you’re sounding far too much like me.”
Giving him a wink, I say, “I learned from the best.”
Thane lies down on his bed with that far-off look in his eyes. Then he sits up and tells me, “You talked in your sleep again last night.”
I suddenly feel disconcerted, a cold shiver running down my spine.
Fuck my subconscious!
“You’ve just given me sound advice, so let me return the favor. Tell me what haunts your dreams at night.”
“I don’t want to go there, buddy.”
“We’ve done a threesome together. I think you can trust me,” he replies with a smirk.
I stare him down from across the room. “That may be true. However, it doesn’t mean I’m obligated to tell you anything.”
Thane raises an eyebrow. “Are you going to make me do it?”
I frown, wondering what kind of game he’s playing. “Do what?”
“Cash in on the debt you owe me.”
My pulse starts to race, and I warn him in no uncertain terms, “Don’t.”
“It isn’t a case where you get to choose.”
Feeling trapped, I snarl, “If you’re my friend, you won’t.”
“That’s the thing. I am your friend, which is why I have to insist.”
“You’re calling it in now?” I growl, trying to suppress my rising anger. “There are a ton of creative and far more entertaining ways you can use it.”
“Yes, but I am calling it in.”
I stand up, clenching my hand into a fist. I’m beyond pissed!
I don’t appreciate being forced to open up about something so personal, and all I want to do right now is punch the guy. But, unfortunately, I’m a man of my word and have no other choice but to honor my debt to him.
“You want to know why I cry out the word ‘page’ at night?”
“I do.”
“It’s the name of a girl I knew.”
He furrows his brow. “Someone you left behind?”
“In a manner of speaking,” I say through gritted teeth.
“Explain.”
I close my eyes for a moment and take a couple of deep breaths, trying to curb the desire to punch him and run.
“Paige was my best friend. She was just a kid when she died.”
Thane nods, taking that in before stating, “Life can be cruel and exceedingly unfair.”
Tears come to my eyes and I barely choke out, “Yeah…”
His gaze is compassionate as he patiently waits for me to continue.
I see Paige’s smiling face in my mind, and have to swallow hard to force down the growing lump in my throat. “I was still a kid and couldn’t accept her death…”
I go on to explain to him about being mute for months before I took up bull riding and the whip.
“So, losing Paige spurred on that risk-taking side of your personality?”
Hearing her name spoken aloud still causes a deep ache in my heart, and I turn my head away, suppressing those unwanted emotions from rising to the surface.
Clearing my throat, I answer, “I suppose you could say that.”
“Anderson, I understand the impact loss can have on a person, especially when you’re young.”
Goosebumps rise on my skin. Until now, I hadn’t realize he would understand. Although our experiences are vastly different, the pain and confusion of losing someone at a young age still remains the same.
I meet his gaze, but my sight begins to blur as tears fill my eyes. “I thought I’d finally dealt with it. I even met with her parents and had a good cry over it this summer. But, apparently, I’m still a mess if I still call out her name and, well…”
“Well, what?” Thane gently prompts.
“I’m afraid to commit.”
“With glee?”
I nod, feeling embarrassed even as I admit it to him. “I don’t want to open myself up to that kind of pain again.”
“No one’s forcing you to. Even though your parents mean well, they would never want you to go against your gut.”
“But, that’s just it. I want to take the next step with glee—but it’s like, I can’t. It feels as if I’m paralyzed inside.”
Thane walks over and lays his hand on my shoulder. “I’ve learned from years of experience that loss is not something you get over. Grief is a long process, not a one-time occurrence. You’ve denied your grief for so long that you’re just now moving through the full process despite how long ago it was.”
“I hate it! I just want this feeling to go away,” I tell him angrily.
He looks at me with compassion. “It’s the only way to move forward, my friend.”
I shake my head, as stubborn to the core as I’ve always been.
“When you think of Paige, what’s the first thing you feel?”
“An immense, black hole of loss…” The tears threaten to fall when I share that.
“Come,” Thane says, wrapping an arm around me, “we’ll mourn our losses together.”
I see raw pain in his eyes, and am surprised when tears start falling down his cheeks. Seeing his grief unleashes the floodgates of my own battered emotions.
If I thought I’d cried a lot in front of Paige’s parents, it’s nothing compared to the grief I release now. It seems unending, and so incredibly painful that I want it to stop.
Thankfully, Thane acts as my anchor, holding me in place while I suffer through the torture this mourning brings. My sweet, funny friend who was ripped away from this world at far too young an age and died alone, crying out for her mama…
I can’t let that go. I will never be all right with it.
“She shouldn’t have died alone,” I tell Thane. “I should have come for her sooner, but I was so intent on buying that damn ice cream. Because of that, I wasn’t there when she needed me most.”
A fresh round of grief ravages me as I swim in that guilt.
But Thane doesn’t let me drown. Instead, he tells me, “You did not fail her. You must let that go! Guilt will only slow the process of healing. Wallowing in it serves no purpose. Do you understand me?” He grabs my shoulders and shakes me, saying again, “You. Did. Not. Fail. Her.”
I close my eyes, unable to accept it.
“Say it,” he demands.
When I don’t respond, he shakes me again. “You need to say it out loud.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, before meeting his gaze. “I can’t.”
Thane wipes the tears from his eyes. “If you are guilty, then how much more am I? I knew my mother was having affairs and said nothing. By keeping silent…” His voice falters. “…I killed my own father. The man I loved most in the world.”
“That’s insane. You’re totally innocent.”
His gaze falls back on me. “What about you?”
I lie back on my bed and stare up at the ceiling, utterly exhausted on an emotional level I’ve never felt before.
But, I also feel calm despite the storm of emotion I’ve just endured. “I didn’t fail her,” I state with more conviction than I feel.
“Good. Keep saying that to yourself whenever the guilt starts to overwhelm you.”
I glance at Thane. His eyes are red-rimmed from crying, and I suspect I must look equally bad. “How’s that working for you?”
“Some days better than others.” He lies down on the bed beside me. “But, I’m definitely better than I was.”
I hold my hand out, and he grasps it.
“Thanks for wasting that debt I owed you on me.”
“I can’t think of a better way to use it.”
“I owe you one,” I blurt, immediately regre
tting it as soon as the words escape my mouth.
Thane chuckles but says nothing.
Thane has no idea he has inspired a fundamental shift in my way of thinking. Understanding the grief I feel over Paige’s death isn’t going to end, I resign myself to enduring it instead of running from it.
That pivotal change seems to break down the barriers surrounding my heart, but I’m not aware of it until I meet Dominus Leo.
He’s come to visit the dungeon, having been invited by the Dungeon Master himself. There are underlying grumblings within the group about having an outsider allowed temporary access after the division the dungeon has seen.
However, it turns out that Dominus Leo is experienced in many aspects of BDSM. His gregarious nature makes him a welcomed addition to our more conservative group of Dominants.
Not only is Dominus Leo knowledgeable as a Dom but, being a world traveler, he has a wealth of entertaining stories about places I’ve never been.
The man fascinates the two of us, and I stand by proudly and watch when he asks glee to scene with him. Knowing glee’s love of new experiences, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity I would never want her to pass up.
He gives her the choice of candle wax, needle play, or the violet wand for the scene.
“They all sound wonderful, Dominus,” she answers graciously.
He smiles but reminds her, “You must choose one.”
Glee doesn’t hesitate. “I’d really like to experience the violet wand.”
“Very well.”
He glances at me. “Have you ever used one?”
“No. I didn’t even know they existed.”
“You’ll find this interesting, then.”
Dominus Leo leads glee to a binding table and tells her to strip. Once naked, he helps her onto it and binds her. I notice glee tense up when he places a hood over her head. I’ve noticed other Doms using hoods before, and can only imagine the helpless feeling it must invoke, especially when bound to a table as glee is.
It’s a vulnerable position for any sub, but it’s made even more so when scening with a new Master.
However, I’m relieved when Dominus Leo asks her, “Color, glee?”
“Green,” comes her muffled answer.
Dominus Leo’s reassuring touches seem to relax her as he explains, “I am going to set the electric wand on medium and adjust it from there.”
She nods from under the hood.
I see her jump when he turns it on and the sound of the electrical charge fills the dungeon.
Dominus chuckles pleasantly. “It’s a noisy thing, but I’m sure you’ll agree that’s part of its charm.”
He runs the instrument up her leg and she giggles. “It tickles, Dominus.”
“Oh, so you’d like it stronger?”
He adjusts it, and the instrument buzzes louder.
Dominus Leo surprises her by touching her inner thigh, and she lets out an excited yelp.
“Color?”
“Green.”
I can tell by the change in glee’s voice that she likes the stimulation this instrument provides. I immediately decide to save up for one so I can surprise her with it on her birthday.
Dominus Leo keeps amping up the power, and glee responds exceedingly well to it, crying out in pleasure as he grazes her nipples with the instrument.
I actually enjoy watching him play with her. Dominus understands a woman’s body, and he knows how to stimulate glee with the violet wand. The combination makes for a successful scene everyone can enjoy, including observers.
Once he’s finished, he moves over to her and reaches between her legs to confirm her arousal. She squirms under his touch, clearly wanting him to take her.
That when I feel it—that first twinge of jealousy. I haven’t encountered it before and wonder at its cause. I’ve watched numerous men take glee and have only felt inspired by glee’s pleasure.
Tonight, however, something’s changed. I turn and walk away, confused by these unfamiliar emotions.
Later that night, as I lie in bed, I feel I’m finally ready to walk to the edge and explore what a deeper connection with her looks like.
And I understand what I need to do.
The Wild Ones
I contact a local leathersmith our Dungeon Master told me about and head over to his shop after classes. It turns out the man works out of his garage.
He leads me to a worktable and shows me his current collection of collars for sale. “I recommend one with a ring. I make them strong enough that you can use them during play.”
I pick up a black collar and pull on the silver ring to gauge its strength. I’m impressed by his work. Setting it down, I pick up one that is thinner, a little more feminine, and dyed a dark purple. I play with the buckle in the back, imagining securing it around glee’s throat.
“This is the one,” I announce, handing it to him.
“Wonderful. Let me box that up for you.”
I walk out of there feeling a mixture of nervousness and excitement as I clutch the box in my hand. This is a huge commitment. Every time I question whether I’m ready or not, all I have to do is think of glee. I’d be a fool not to commit.
Pop’s right. I’m not the kind of guy to play around for the rest of my life. I want to have a good woman by my side, and glee meets my needs both in and out of the bedroom.
If I were to see any other Dom’s collar around her neck, there’s no way I’d forgive myself.
However, I’ve kept silent about my plans to collar her. Not even Thane knows.
The last thing I want or need is someone telling me to be cautious. I’ve been a risk-taker all of my life—except when it comes to relationships.
I’m sick of being a coward in that department, so I’ve decided to take that leap with glee. I can’t let the fear of loss have that kind of power over me any longer.
I’m a grown man now. It’s time I start acting like one.
Thane and I meet Durov at the dungeon that night. I can tell just by looking at the Russian that he’s stressed out. Since that’s unusual, I ask him why.
“This semester has been an absolute bear,” he complains to me. “I have so many tedious research papers and projects due that I don’t have time for anything else. It’s not right to waste time with such things. I can’t wait until this year is over!”
He lets out an angry growl and glares at me as if it’s my fault.
“Hey, look. I hear ya, man,” I chuckle with sympathy. “Between school and glee, I don’t seem to have a moment to myself.”
“Is that a problem?” he asks, suddenly sounding interested in my affairs.
I glance at Thane, standing beside me, and grin. “Actually, no. In fact, I like it so much I’m going to do something about it.”
I hear glee’s muffled cry nearby and excuse myself from the conversation so I can watch the scene she’s participating in.
I’m not entirely surprised to see she’s with Dominus Leo again, although I would have preferred it if it was someone else. This time, the experienced Dom is using wax on her.
My cock hardens as I watch him pour drops of hot wax on the sensitive lips of her pussy. He has her gagged, but unbound, so she is free to squirm and wiggle.
Dominus Leo commands glee to remain still as he drips the hot wax over her pussy again. This time, she doesn’t move, although she lets out another muffled cry.
Watching glee’s willing submission to his wax play is a total turn on for me. I enjoy their scene, but my gaze keeps going back to glee’s throat, and I imagine how she’s going to look with my collar around it.
When he begins removing the wax from her skin with a knife, I interrupt him. “Dominus Leo, I would like to speak with glee after you’re finished cleaning her up.”
He looks up, surprised by the intrusion, but then smiles when he sees it’s me. “Certainly, Master Anderson.”
I notice that when Dominus Leo looks back down at glee, there’s a flicker of something more tha
n friendship in his eyes.
I finger the loose collar in my pocket possessively.
Once he indicates he’s done, I command glee to dress and take my hand.
She looks at me tenderly as she grasps my hand.
“I have something important I need to talk to you about,” I tell her as I take her to a private room in the back.
“Wonderful! I have some exciting news to tell you, as well.” Her eyes sparkle with a joyous light that makes me smile.
I lift her hand to my lips and kiss it before I escort her into the small room.
“Can I go first?” she begs after I close the door.
“Of course. Ladies first,” I say gallantly.
“You know how crazy my schedule has gotten? I don’t even have time to breathe anymore.”
I nod in understanding. “Yes, I’m very aware.”
“Well…” She bites her bottom lip for a moment, before blurting out, “I’ve been given the opportunity of a lifetime.”
I cock my head, interested in hearing what it is. “What kind of opportunity?”
“You know how I told you I would love to travel?”
A knot starts forming in my stomach, but I answer calmly, “Yes.”
“Well, Dominus Leo is offering to take me with him to travel around the world.”
“Really?” I start fingering the collar in my pocket nervously.
She smiles at me with compassion. “You know I care about you, but this opportunity is something I’ve always dreamed of.”
“I know,” I tell her, understanding how important it is to her, based on past conversations.
“The best part?” she says with a squeak. “He has friends around the globe—experienced Doms like himself who have all kinds of kinky talents.”
“You do love new experiences…” I agree, realizing all is lost.
“So, I was thinking of saying yes.” She looks at me earnestly, “I hope you can understand.”
I let go of the collar, taking my hand out of my pocket to caress her cheek. “Your happiness means the world to me. You should know that.”
She stands on tiptoes to give me a kiss. “I’m so grateful to hear you say that. I was hoping you’d feel that way.” She giggles, clapping her hands together in excitement. “I get to quit my crappy job, travel around the world, and experience all kinds of new kink. I can’t believe I’m so lucky!”