“He’s really out of it,” Ryder said. “This is bad.”
“You ever seen him like this?” Dallin asked. “Damn, that guy is always in his head, but right now, he’s really in there.”
Dallin walked up to Landon, and Landon only recognized the faintest blur before he felt a light slap on his back, knocking him out of his moroseness.
“Hey. Come on. No matter what happened, shutting down about it isn’t going to help.”
“She left. For good. I can’t go back to the Blur again. She won’t change her mind.” Landon blinked. “Just a few hours ago, we were so happy.”
Dallin frowned, walking to the bed and sitting down on it and dragging Landon to stand in front of them so they could talk. “Tell me everything.”
Landon hadn’t really pictured himself confiding in the difficult dragon at a time like this. But he’d gotten much better since being with Jo, and right now, Landon could use anyone’s help.
“How do I go find her?”
Dallin stared at him as though he’d said the ceiling was made of cheese sticks. “What?”
“I need to find her.”
“That’s the worst thing you could do,” Dallin said, shaking his head. “Look, Vex does her own thing. You knew that before you started this whole mess. That it wouldn’t be easy.”
“I didn’t think she’d run out on me just because she heard I wanted her as a mate.”
Ryder cocked his head. “That sounds exactly like what would make Vex run out of here. You’ve seen her. She hates feelings. Anything close to them.”
“It makes sense,” Dallin said. “Given what she’s gone through.”
“I know what she’s gone through,” Landon said. “That’s why I want to give her a better life. This kind of life.”
Dallin and Ryder looked at each other.
“Are you sure she could be okay with this kind of life?” Ryder asked, folding his arms thoughtfully. “She’s not… like anyone we’ve met.”
“I thought with me, she could. I thought—”
“That’s your problem right there. You expected Vex to make exceptions for you. You agreed to this without any promises, right?”
He nodded. “But she knew where I was with things.”
“What matters is where she is with things,” Ryder said.
“It’s Dallin’s fault,” Landon muttered. “He provoked me into saying it too loudly.”
“Don’t blame other people for your problems,” Ryder snapped. “That’s the worst way to deal with this.”
“I did provoke him,” Dallin said helpfully. “But I was only trying to figure out what’s going on.”
“But didn’t you want to say it anyway?” Ryder asked. “Wouldn’t this have eventually happened when you told her your feelings and she didn’t want to accept?”
Landon hadn’t really thought about it like that. His heart was so sure about her, his soul so bound to her. He just kept thinking that beneath her prickly exterior, she must feel the same.
“You can’t put people on a pedestal,” Dallin said. “You have to let Vex be who she is.”
“You know my feelings are real, though—”
Dallin put up a hand. “I do. But her feelings matter also. And this is what she wants.”
Landon put his hands on his hips, pain lashing through him again, though it was dimming as he felt it replaced with something else. Determination.
It wasn’t over.
“Oh no, I know that look,” Ryder said. “Listen, you have to give her space. It has to be up to her.”
Landon whirled on them. “What would you do if it was your mate? Or yours?” He glared at both of them. “Would you just stay here, knowing your mate was in the Blur?”
“Vex is capable of handling herself,” Dallin said.
Landon frowned. “Something could still happen to her. I’ve met her cronies, and—”
“I was one of her cronies after she saved me from the lab,” Dallin said. “She keeps them in line. I wouldn’t worry about it. Look, we all see you’re crazy about her. If she wants you, let her take time and come back.”
“Just a little while ago, you were encouraging me,” Landon said.
“To go slow because something like this might happen.” Dallin sighed. “Do you know what it feels like to lie there alone day after day, tortured and in pain with no one to comfort you? No one who cares about your pain, only those who want to cause it. Watching you. Waiting for your reactions.”
Landon was silent. He only knew the solitude part and only for a few months. It had been terrible.
“Vex was raised that way. Where there should have been parents, there were torturers. Where there should have been friends, there were scientists poking and prodding. When her body started to break, no one cared or noticed. And when they left the marks of the proof of no love toward her all over her body, they sealed her wish to never hope for anything again.”
Landon stared at Dallin, aghast at the picture he’d painted. “How do you know all of this?”
“Because I was raised in a lab,” Dallin said. “I added what Vex has gone through, and I’m only guessing, but Vex doesn’t hate you. She hates herself. When everyone attacks you, when no one helps you, deep down, you start to blame it on yourself. It must be you because everyone else deserves love and decency, whereas everyone you meet causes only pain. No one to rescue you, no one to be with you—”
“Stop,” Landon said, wanting to jump out of the window before hearing more of it. “I came as soon as I could for her. It was too far, and I was too late.” He hung his head. “I didn’t want it to be too late.”
“For what to be too late?” Dallin’s brows screwed up in confusion. “Came for her how?”
Landon couldn’t answer them. His head was spinning. Why had he thought he could just waltz into her life and demand a happy ending?
Were some happy endings too difficult to achieve once so much damage had been done?
“But I don’t get it,” Ryder said. “Vex looks like she feels fine about herself. If anything, it’s what makes her a fighter.”
“No,” Dallin said, shaking his head. “You’re mistaken. What happened in that dungeon wouldn’t make anyone a fighter. What it does is make most subjects die of despair. Vex is the only successful glamour fae.”
“Then why—”
“If it’s like me, then I think when the whole world tries to kill you and tell you you’re worthless but you survive and prove them wrong, there’s a strength that comes from that which is boundless.”
Landon nodded, reverent as he considered it, the amazing aspect of Vex even carrying on in life after so much.
“Few of us can comprehend what she has gone through. Few of us spent a life with no love,” Dallin said.
Ryder nodded. “Even I had the occasional kind person at the facility. And they were only doing experiments on me. Not trying to torture me until I broke.”
“Why would torture make a glamour fae?” Landon asked. “What was the point of so much pain?”
“I asked Vex once, but she’s very cagey about it. She said that apparently, when she was born, she was tested and handed over to the lab for having some ancient trace of blood. They thought it would manifest under duress.”
“Did it?”
“Yes. That’s how she escaped. But not until she’d survived enough to make anyone half crazy.”
“I saw the bed where she lay,” Landon said. “We all did, but I lay down there in the dark looking at it. Thinking about it and trying not to think about it.” He sighed. “Why only that bed had spikes and so many torture implements.”
“As you can see, it takes a lot for Vex to give up. She probably didn’t manifest at first because she wanted to spite them.”
“I think I know how she manifested,” Ryder said. “I think, having been tied down to a table for a long time myself, you learn to escape in your mind. Create another reality so you can survive there.”
Dallin nodded, t
hinking for a moment. “Vex must have done that, literally, given her powers.”
“What can glamour fae do anyway?” Ryder asked Landon.
Landon shook his head. “I’ve only seen her use her wand to portal something into another dimension. But I know she uses it to disguise her appearance.”
“The fact that she was masquerading as a man for a while probably shows you how she feels about herself. Her body. She might put on a lot of bravado, but deep down, she feels like crap. Otherwise, she wouldn’t keep hiding who she was.”
Landon thought over Vex’s statement on the subject. About how she knew what had happened to her but didn’t want to face it in the mirror every day.
Maybe she was in more denial than he had thought.
But Dallin was right. Landon hadn’t been going about this the right way.
He’d been pushing too fast, not taking into account why she might want to go slower.
“So what do I do now? Let her go and just hope she’s all right? And that one day she comes back?”
Dallin and Ryder both shrugged, looking as lost as he was.
“Can I call in Kira?” Ryder asked.
“And Jo?” Dallin asked. “They might have some more suggestions.”
Landon nodded and turned to face the window again as the others went to find their mates.
Just staring at the grass was an escape for him, a way to stay grounded. Like thinking of Vex was a way to stay grounded in that dungeon.
One of his strengths, and maybe his flaws, was always believing that everything would work out right. If people were kind to each other. If you just loved someone enough…
But the world didn’t work like that. Dallin was right. Landon had no right to go after Vex now that she’d made her choice.
“Okay,” Kira said, entering the room. “Dallin and Ryder got us caught up on everything, and now you’re going to hear a woman’s opinion on the subject.”
Landon nodded immediately.
Kira sat on a chair, crossing one leg over the other. “You’re going about this all the wrong way.”
“I am?”
“Yes. You have some idea of this peaceful, happy ending. But did you ever ask Vex what she wants?”
“Other than my body? No,” he said somewhat bitterly. “I knew a lot of what she wanted just by her expressions, but—”
“That’s not enough,” Jo said. “You can’t just keep overriding someone because you think you know what’s best for them.”
“But I—”
“She has to be allowed to make her own decisions. And honestly, Landon, who are you outside of Vex? We’ve only heard you talk about her since you’ve been here.”
Because there wasn’t much more he could say.
“Her being your mate doesn’t mean she has to give in to you,” Jo said, glancing at Dallin. “Two people have to flex into each other’s life.”
“I did,” Landon said sharply, surprising them. “I did try being in her world. It’s dark and scary and—”
“There you go, always assuming you know better,” Kira said.
“So I should have just kept being her booty call, hanging around the Blur with criminals, and waiting for something bad to happen? Instead of giving her a mate and a better life?”
“No,” Dallin said. “We aren’t saying that. We’re just saying that none of us had smooth sailing here.”
“I get how I screwed up. So what do I do?” Landon clenched his jaw. “I need her back again. And she looked miserable leaving me. I think I can’t forget that the most.”
Jo frowned. “What do you mean miserable?”
“Sad. Her eyes were sad,” he said. “I know people don’t think much of me because I’m easygoing and quiet. But I pay attention to how everyone is feeling, to what they need.”
“Maybe what she needs is a friend on an adventure,” Ryder said. “Not just a mate and a quiet life.”
“So what, I’m supposed to turn to chaos and rule the Blur with her? And never have any commitment?”
Jo sighed. “Is she supposed to turn to what’s considered stifling for her and accept commitment she doesn’t want?”
Landon had no idea. Perhaps he should have thought harder when Vex suddenly invited him into her life.
But he’d been waiting so long for her.
Above all, no matter what they said, he knew she’d been happy.
He shook his head. “How do I get to the Blur?”
He could feel the silence in the room as everyone looked at each other in disbelief that he wasn’t letting this go.
“Landon, she left you—”
“She looked like she was going to cry,” Landon said. “I get what you’re saying. That she deserves space, that she deserves choices.” His hands tightened into fists. “But she’s also had no one to fight for her. No one to come when she’s afraid. The only voices in her head are those who were trying to destroy her. She should have at least one around her that’s giving her love.”
Kira sighed. “But—”
“I won’t do it as her mate, though,” he said. “Because you’re right. I’ll be her cohort if that’s what she wants. I’ll go into the darkness if I have to because I’ve done it once before. If she hates me, then so be it. If she never wants anything, I’ll still be at her side protecting her. Because that’s what you do when you’re in love.” He strode away from them. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a way into the Blur.”
He heard Dallin let out a scoff behind him.
“Did that guy just school us on love?” Dallin laughed again.
“I think so,” Ryder said.
“Should we stop him?” Kira asked.
“I don’t think you could,” Jo said. “That man is strong.”
Damn right he was.
15
“You have to snap out of it,” Tyrus said, kicking the door open to Vex’s office. “The men are starting to think you’re weak.”
“Get out of here!” Vex threw a glass paperweight at the door, and it shattered against it as Tyrus closed it, quickly backing out of the room.
She was weak. Since she’d left Landon, the nightmares had come back.
She was having trouble maintaining her glamour and didn’t feel like eating or sleeping.
Somehow, in losing him, it felt as though she were back in the dungeon again.
But this time, there would be no escape.
He deserved better. She would never be normal.
And based on what he’d said to Dallin, he’d never stop trying to make her that way.
And while she was waiting to be a disappointment to him, there would be constant attempts on his life and those around him.
It was better to stay here in the Blur with the other ruined creatures.
She’d known it was too late for a redemption arc when she’d left the lab. It was why she’d kept on her path of revenge instead of trying to heal.
Because it didn’t feel like there was anything worth healing.
Others, like Kira and Jo, seemed to be able to trust people. Connect with them on a deeper level. Vex could make friends and allies, but love? Trust?
Those things were too hard.
Then again, she’d learned to trust Landon. But he was impossible not to trust.
Though, she shouldn’t have trusted him to not get feelings or not want more than she said she could give.
But it would be fine. He’d fallen for her in a moment. He’d probably fall for the next chick the same way.
And that chick would fall for him also, and Vex would need to go on a murdering spree—
She shook her head. This was why she was no good for Landon. He wouldn’t hurt a butterfly.
She was only alive in a fight.
Well, and in his arms. He made her feel at home in her body like it was finally hers, made for feeling something other than only pain.
She grieved the loss of it.
But the thought of sweet, gentle Landon injured when some ba
d fight happened was enough to steel her resolve.
He wasn’t violent. She was. She didn’t want to stay home and bake. He did.
She’d die of boredom in his world, and he’d probably die of, well, death in hers.
It was such a terrible mismatch. Why did she have to have been the one to find him in that dungeon when she’d gone back?
Even back then, he’d been so sweet, asking for her help quietly.
And even though she’d been about to punish the mate of a former acquaintance, she’d stopped and gone to open his door.
Landon’s voice had just drawn her.
And she hadn’t been able to go through with anything evil even before Dallin had told her to stop and show her real form.
Her real form. She looked down at her hand, which was still glamoured, though sometimes it flickered and the scars still showed.
Those scars were a sign they couldn’t be together. A sign she would always be wrong in the head.
That lab had broken her. It was clear Landon had always thought she could be fixed, but that just wasn’t the case.
And she didn’t want to be fixed.
She was fine.
Except… sometimes, in the deepest, most painful part of her heart, she did wish things were different.
That it didn’t hurt to think of being with someone like Landon. That it wasn’t scary to be in love.
And that she hadn’t become someone so hardened that she killed enough people to ensure someone would be after her until the end of her days.
Everything was a mess.
She sighed, leaning back in her chair, hungry but not wanting to eat because it reminded her of Landon. Besides, hunger was a familiar, comforting feeling.
The door slammed open, showing Tyrus was there again. His pale face was flushed, his expression furious. “I’m here for a challenge. You’ve lost your damn mind.”
She sat up a little straighter at that. Not that she was afraid of a challenge from Tyrus, who she could defeat easily, but because she didn’t like that everyone could see she was messed up.
Dragon Reformed (Reclaimed Dragons Book 3) Page 11