by Bella Jewel
Sure, I do, but doesn’t everyone?
She listens to my story.
She hears my truth.
She doesn’t judge me for it.
“I’m listenin’,” I say to her, turning my face toward hers so I can hear her more clearly over the other chatter going on around us.
It’s fucking noisy in here. People are talking frantically, some are sleeping, but I guess everyone is wondering what the fuck is happening outside right now. Judging by the sounds of the wind and rain, a lot.
“I’ve never been in a hurricane.”
I nod. “Me either.”
“Are you scared? I’m a little scared. I’m not a fan of these kinds of noises. Does that make me a baby? I’m a baby, aren’t I?”
I shake my head, fighting back a grin. Fuck she’s cute. Cute as hell. “No, you’re not a baby, though you look pretty fuckin’ cute right now.”
Her cheeks get a little red, and I can’t help it, I can’t fucking help what I do next. Every single part of my body is begging me to touch her, to kiss her, to fucking own her. For the first time in my life, I go with it. I just fucking go with it. I say what I need. I do what I want.
“Everything inside me is tellin’ me to kiss you right now,” I say, studying her face. “And yet I know I’m no fuckin’ good for you, Erin. Don’t think that’s goin’ to stop me, though.”
She looks a little surprised, and her cheeks grow a darker shade of red, and she says, “I’m not going to say no if you decide to go against what your mind thinks, and let your body do what it wants …”
“There’s somethin’ about you,” I tell her, voice gravelly. “Somethin’ that makes the inside of me come alive. Not had that before. Fuck, I’ve barely done more than fuck women. You … you speak to somethin’ else. But I know what you want, what you’re lookin’ for, and I’m not it. Can’t be it. Got issues, big ones. But stayin’ away from you is provin’ to be very fuckin’ hard.”
“Then stop trying and start going with what feels right …”
“Wish you’d hear me when I say I’m no good.”
She shrugs, reaching up and running her fingertips down my stubbled jaw. “Who says I don’t like the no-good things in the world?”
Fuck.
Fuck me.
“I need you to know though …” she says, dropping her fingers. “I saw you and Indi together. I mean what I say, Finn. I don’t do men that are doing other people, I have enough self-respect for at least that. And while I can’t seem to keep myself from you, I will, if you’re sleeping with someone else, too.”
I sit back, for a second fucking confused. She saw Indi and me together? Then it all pieces together. The alcohol left by my open door the other night when Indi came by, trying to get something out of me. She would have seen her on my lap, probably got the wrong idea, definitely wouldn’t have known I tossed Indi out only minutes after.
“This is goin’ to sound fuckin’ cliché, but I didn’t fuck Indi. Hell, I didn’t let her do anything. She threw herself on me. I tossed her off. Sent her out. Know that sounds like some pathetic fuck boy excuse, but it’s actually the truth. Not sleepin’ with her, not sleepin’ with anyone, at present.”
Erin looks relieved, her eyes softening just a little. “Then I guess you can kiss me, if you so wish …”
She grins, and I can’t fucking help it, I grin back.
Her and her words.
Fucking do it to me, they do.
“There is somethin’,” I say to her, reaching down and tucking a strand of unruly hair behind her ear. “I’m not sleepin’ with anyone now, but I can’t promise you anythin’, Erin. Fuck, I can’t even promise myself anythin’. I’m not lookin’, and I’d never not tell you if somethin’ came up, but you need to understand somethin’ about me—I like sex … no, scratch that, I need sex. I crave it on a level that is very hard for others to understand. I’m probably addicted to it, considerin’ I can’t seem to go without it. Makes it very fuckin’ hard for me to be with one woman, you understand?”
Erin frowns and narrows her eyes. This is the moment, the moment where she’ll turn around and tell me she can’t take the risk, and it’ll fucking suck, but I’ll have to take it. I’ll have to because I can’t expect her to be with someone who is openly admitting to having a sexual problem. Not many women could keep up with me. Not many women would want to. Cold hard facts, but the truth all the same.
“Well,” Erin says, chewing on her bottom lip for a moment, then she looks up at me through hooded lashes and says, “I guess it’s just lucky that I love sex, too. A whole lot of sex. So, I guess you’ll just have to show me how much you like it, too …”
Fuck me.
I’m going to take her. Own her. Never fucking let her go.
“In that case,” I murmur, grabbing her face, “I’m goin’ to kiss you now, probably find somewhere in the bunker I can sink my cock into you without anyone else hearin’, or seein’, if that’s good with you?”
She grins.
I grin.
Then I fucking kiss her.
I kiss her hard.
9
ERIN
Insatiable.
Finn is insatiable.
I’ve met some hungry men, but none quite as hungry as Finn Knight.
He can fuck, and he’s good at it.
I mean, I can’t say it’s as bad as I first prepared for when he told me he loves sex, is addicted to it, and that’s a problem for other women. Hence the reason for no relationships. But, I must admit, my drive must be pretty high, too, because so far, he hasn’t been anything excessive. Twice a day. I’m cool with that.
Have to be out of my mind not to be.
He’s gorgeous.
He makes me crazy.
He makes me scream.
What woman wouldn’t want that?
Hell, I find myself counting down the minutes until we meet again.
I know it’s bad for me. Everything inside of me is screaming that I need to run, stop this, because it’ll only end in tears. Lucy told me she’s worried. With sex addiction comes a strong need that if it isn’t met, might be sought out from somewhere else. What if something happens to me? What if when the lust dies down, I don’t feel like it as much? What if I get sick? There are so many reasons sex can be put on hold.
Will those reasons be enough to make him stray?
We’re only having fun.
That’s what I told them, but I’m not sure I fully believe it myself. Are we just having fun? Is that what this is? Just fun? Doesn’t feel like it. After sex we talk for hours and hours. Hell, last night, he even laughed. That’s something. Right? Of course it is. The longer I spend with him, the more I want to be around him, the harder I want him.
And so the merry-go-round continues.
I can’t stay away, not right now.
So maybe they’re right. Maybe I am going to get hurt.
To hell with it, right?
Right?
After the hurricane, and our night in that shelter together, we spent the last few days of our vacation helping clean up – and making love, a lot. The damage to the island wasn’t awful. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t terrible, either. It could have been worse, a lot worse. It missed us but did enough damage to throw a few trees down, knock some boats over, and some surface damage to the hotel, as well as some water damage up one end.
Half the trip was refunded to those who paid.
We won it, so we were fine.
On our last day, we got a huge feast held for us, and it was a thoroughly enjoyable time. Between the sex Finn and I were having, we actually had a great time.
Though there was some drama unfold with Indi. She stopped talking to me. Avoided me at all costs. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me I was playing games and she wouldn’t have it. I told Finn, he told me that she’s just not taking it well, and she’ll be okay. Still, I feel really bad. I know she liked him. I hate that I’m the reason for her hurt, I really
do.
Now we’re back home, and life has returned to normal, and I’m sitting in my apartment before work wondering what the hell to do now. Do I call him? Do we continue our little love fest? Is it over now we’re home? I don’t honestly know. At the airport we went our separate ways with no promise of anything further; hell, he didn’t say anything at all. He kissed me, so damned hard it almost felt like goodbye, and then he was gone.
Now I’m wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do.
I’ve called Lucy twice. She told me to sit back, chill out, and breathe. That I wasn’t helping anyone freaking out like this. That I needed to get back in my space and be happy with how things are going, and if they don’t work out, well, I had a fun time. I agree with her, only it actually feels incredibly sad the thought of it not going on. We had something. What? I don’t know.
But it was certainly something.
A knock at my door has me snapping out of my deep thoughts. I glance over, wondering if it’s Finn. My heart races, and I stand, rushing over. I was mid-way through unpacking. I hate unpacking, so I’m glad for the distraction. I open the door and see it’s Indi. I stare for a few seconds, a little confused. What is Indi doing here?
Oh, who am I kidding?
I know exactly what Indi is doing here. She’s damn well here because of Finn. Because she was watching as he kissed me in that shelter, she was watching the last few days on the island, she gave me the silent treatment. She isn’t stupid. She knows there is something going on. I feel bad, don’t get me wrong, but their issue is not mine. I’m only going to worry about how this is going to hurt me right now. Indi has to take care of herself.
Finn made his intentions pretty clear to the both of us.
Dammit.
I still feel bad.
It’s not like he was her boyfriend or anything.
Why am I justifying this?
I shake my head, and say, “Indi, hey …”
“Hey, Erin. Listen, can I come in?”
I hate any conversation that starts with listen.
Listen, I have an STD.
Listen, I’m pregnant.
Listen, I stole your husband.
Listen, I want to hack your arms and legs off and dump you in the forest.
Okay, extreme, just a tad. I saw it on television, some horror show. Whatever. It could happen. Either way, anything that starts with listen makes me uneasy. It always means that bad news is about to be delivered. She isn’t about to say listen, Erin, I want you and Finn to run off into the sunset together and live happily ever after.
Nope.
Not going to say that.
I can guarantee it.
“Yeah, come in,” I say, pushing the door open wide so she can walk in. When she’s through, I close it and point to the sofa.
She takes a seat.
I take a seat.
This is about to get weird. I just know it.
“I wasn’t honestly sure if I should even come here, and tell you this … but … well … I don’t really know who else to go to.”
I feel like that’s a lie.
Everyone has someone to go to.
Whatever she’s about to tell me, she’s telling me because she knows it’ll bother me. She came here with an agenda. That makes me sad. For me, and her. Indi is a nice girl, she really is, but she’s also out for her own happiness and doesn’t care about anyone else’s. I know that, it’s written all over her. The soft persona only goes so far.
I’m not entirely sure I trust her.
I don’t think she’s evil of heart, I just think she’s insecure, maybe confused, had a bad upbringing, something that makes her feel less.
I wouldn’t want anyone to feel less.
But it does scare me, because sometimes it makes us do crazy things.
“Look, Indi, if whatever you’re about to tell me is intentionally going to upset me, I’m asking that you don’t. Please. I know it’s about Finn. I’m not stupid. You obviously like him, we were both obviously with him at the same time which believe me makes me uncomfortable, but it is what it is now. I’m sorry if it’s causing you pain, but I don’t want to be in the middle of it.”
She bites her lip, looks to the side, and says, “I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.”
Well fuck me.
Fuck me swinging.
She clearly didn’t get the part about ‘If whatever you’re going to say is going to upset me, don’t tell me’ because she just threw that bombshell right at me. Right in my damned face. Like a flipping grenade.
She knows that’s going to tear me up.
She knows it.
Which makes me wonder, immediately … is it true?
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it isn’t, but I have to cover all of it. She could be lying, just to cause problems, and I’m not going to let anyone cause problems that don’t exist.
Nope.
Not going to happen.
“Firstly, thanks for just throwing that one at me …” I mutter.
“I’m not trying to cause problems, Erin. I know it seems like I am, but I promise you I’m not. I’m not here to hurt you, I’m not that kind of person. But I know if it was me in your shoes, I’d want to know.”
Partially true.
Partially bullshit.
If it was me, I’d have gone to Finn first. Not her. The fact that she’s here, telling me and not him, tells me her intentions are not pure. I might be kind, understanding, and honest, but I am not stupid. I won’t be taken for a ride, either. No thanks.
“Look, you and I both know that deep down you know this is going to bother me. You don’t like that Finn is seeing me, sort of, and not you. If you didn’t have dishonest intentions, Indi, you would have gone to Finn first, because in the end it isn’t about me, it’s between you and him.”
She scrunches up her nose. “I’m sad you think I’m like that.”
Exhale.
I really liked Indi, I won’t lie, but I’m starting to think there is a lot more beneath the surface than meets the eye. She’s … I don’t know, not acting quite right.
“Back to the discussion at hand, if you think you’re pregnant, you need to tell Finn.”
“He won’t believe me!” she mutters. “That’s why I came to you.”
“You want me to tell him?”
“No, but I thought maybe if you were there, having my back, he might listen …”
No.
No thanks.
“It’s not my battle, I won’t pick sides. Doesn’t Finn always use protection?”
She nods, and I exhale a little. He is always careful, as far as I know, so it makes it strange that she’d show up pregnant.
“The condom broke,” she tells me.
Oh.
Well, that explains it.
“I took plan B … but …”
“Have you actually done a test?” I ask her, skipping straight to the point.
“Yes, well, I mean one … I think there was a second line …”
“You’re telling me you came all the way over here, to tell me, not Finn, and you’re not even sure? Indi, please, I really like you but this is way out of my comfort zone. You need to go do another test, talk to Finn, and leave me out of it.”
My voice comes out a touch harsh, but can she honestly blame me? She’s at my house, announcing she thinks she’s pregnant, and wanting me to do what? Be happy for her? Skip off into the sunset alone? What? Fucking what?
“If I am pregnant, it’s going to make things weird …” she tells me, crossing her arms, still keeping that doe-eyed expression, like she’s honestly the nicest person you’ve ever met.
I’m starting to think otherwise.
“I’ll deal with my side of things with Finn, that isn’t your business.”
“He’ll want to be with me, I’m not sure I’d be okay with him staying with you. It’s weird …”
And the truth comes out.
“Firstly, it’s not up to you.
Secondly, I’ve not done a thing wrong to you, Indi, I don’t deserve this from you. Finn and I aren’t even a thing, we just fuck!”
My voice comes out harsh, and I immediately pull it back and take a deep breath.
“You need to call Finn and sort it out with him. I don’t want to hear about it any further. Please leave.”
Indi’s face is red now, with anger or shame who knows. “I’m not trying to be nasty. I really like him, too. I wish you would understand how it feels for me.”
“Ditto, now leave.”
She does as I ask, thank god. I was hoping she wouldn’t keep going.
Once she’s gone, I shut the door and lean against it, taking a few deep breaths.
Well, that just changed everything.
Is she telling the truth?
Will Finn stick by her and be done with me?
It hurts, I won’t lie. The thought of them together, the idea that she could be pregnant with his child, all of it feels like a knife to the chest, and I don’t like it. It burns something deep down low, and it makes me wish I had stuck to my guns and stayed away from Finn Knight while I still had the chance.
Before I cared.
Before everything became exactly what I was afraid of.
Complicated.
~*~*~*~
“Whoa, wait, Indi is pregnant?” Shania gasps, glancing over at her adorable son who is playing on the floor at her place. Lucy is sitting with him, but at the sound of Shania’s gasp, she stands and comes over, the little boy keeps playing with his trucks. Cute kid, for sure.
I wonder what Indi and Finns baby will look like?
Dammit, why did that god awful thought just bounce into my brain?
“Hold up, what did you just say?” Lucy asks, sitting down.
“She said Indi is pregnant,” Ellie tells her, “and she’s saying it’s Finns.”
“Whoa, shit,” Lucy mutters. “That’s … intense. How do you know this?”
I exhale, drinking the vodka in my hand and loving the way it makes my body feel a little more relaxed. I need that, so bad. I’m wound up, I’m confused, I’m stressed, and worse, I haven’t heard from Finn. Not once since Indi came by two days ago. I couldn’t deal with it anymore, so I came over here, drinks all around, just what I need.