by Bella Jewel
“There is no situation,” I snap, crossing my arms, mostly to cover my hard nipples. “We had sex. We absolutely shouldn’t have had sex. That’s the end of it.”
“We had a fuckin’ good time is what we had. We connected. We talked. Then, and only then, did we fuck. Also, you can’t just run away from things when they get hard, Lucy, you gotta face shit sometimes, you hear me?”
“Stop talking to me like that,” I huff angrily. “I’m not an idiot. I ran because, well, quite frankly, it seemed like the easiest option. I love Shania. She’s my sister. She’s everything to me. I’m not going to do anything to risk that relationship. I shouldn’t have been anywhere near you, let alone sleeping with you.”
“Firstly,” his voice is smooth, like a damned fine liquor, “Shania has nothing to do with this.”
“How so?” I laugh, but it’s a bitter laugh, a shocked laugh, a laugh that says he’s lost his damned mind.
“What happened between Shania and me happened years ago, and it’s done now. She’s moved on. She’s got Tommy back. She’s happy. How the fuck does that have anything to do with you and me?”
“Because she despises you!” I cry loudly, then realize I shouldn’t have said that, because it isn’t entirely true. Shania deals with Nicolai because she has to, she respects him because she has to, but deep down, I don’t think she’ll ever like him again. Despise, however, that was probably a bit much.
Nicolai stares at me, face angry, and I know I have to back pedal really fast right about now. “I don’t mean despise, she doesn’t despise you, but you two aren’t exactly best friends. You’ve had a past, a rocky past, a past that has caused a lot of pain for both of you. Shania would never be okay with me seeing you.”
“It’s not up to her.”
Simple answer. Straight down the line. Just how Nicolai sees the world.
“She matters to me more than you do, so yes, it is up to her.”
Nicolai steps forward again, only this time I don’t move backward. His mouth comes close to mine, eyes locked on, and oh boy, I want to lose my damned mind. It’s hard to hold back the breathy pant that is desperate to slip past my lips. But hold it back I do. In fact, I hold my breath in general, because, well, that’s easier.
“Do you despise me?”
I bite my lip for a second, and just hold his eyes. “Yes.”
“Don’t lie to me, I don’t like liars.”
I exhale. “Honestly, Nicolai, two days ago, yes, I despised you. Shit doesn’t change that fast. We got along. We had sex. It was fucking awesome sex. But that’s all it was.”
“Wasn’t all it was or I wouldn’t be here. You think I can’t get awesome sex, Lucy? You think I can’t just find that anywhere?”
That makes my blood boil, and I snap, “Well, if that’s the case, off you go, Nicolai. Don’t come here bothering me.”
His hand snakes around my waist, and I jerk a little, but he pulls me closer, not letting me move. “I’m here bothering you, because awesome sex is not all it was. Do you have any idea how long it has been since I’ve spoken to a woman like that? Here’s your answer, fuckin’ never. They’re all fake and air headed and fuckin’ painful. You, though. You hold your own. You listen. You had the conversation flowing so freely I was talking without thought. I never fuckin’ talk without thought.”
“You have to leave, Nicolai,” I say, as his hand starts gently rubbing little circles over my hip.
And it feels nice, damn him.
“I’m not leaving, until you talk to me,” he growls, lips so close my body is literally fighting itself not to lunge forward and kiss them.
“I just spoke to you.”
“Admit you felt the same connection and I’ll leave.”
“I highly doubt that,” I breathe.
“Admit you liked it, that it felt the same for you, and I’ll walk … fuckin’ admit it.”
“No, Nicolai, because it didn’t.”
He growls, and oh, it makes me wet, so fucking wet. “Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not lying to you!”
“If you really feel that way, why the fuck are you struggling so hard not to kiss me right now? To fuck me again? To feel my hands on your body? You’re wondering what it’ll feel like if I take it further, take my time with you. My mouth on your sweet pussy, my fingers deep inside you, my lips all over your fuckin’ skin. You’re imagining it, but you’re too proud to admit it.”
Oh, god.
Someone get him away from me.
Because I don’t think I can fight it much longer.
“Please,” I breathe. “Please leave.”
“Admit it. I leave.”
I exhale, and then snap, “I have nothing to admit. I don’t want you. I don’t like you. The end.”
“Then it shouldn’t matter at all if I do this?”
He closes the space between us and his lips gently fall over mine. And fuck, fuck me, he tastes amazing, he feels amazing, everything about him is fucking amazing. He kisses me, and for a moment, I resist. I try to ignore how soft his lips are, yet how his stubble scratches my cheeks. I try to ignore his hand gripping me harder, pulling me closer against that hard, strong body. I try to ignore it all. I do.
But when his tongue slides out and runs over my bottom lip, I can’t ignore it any longer.
I kiss him back.
Deep and hard.
Fingers tangled in his hair. Body pressed against his.
His hands roaming my back, my ass, and everything they can.
The kiss gets frantic.
We back into the house.
And he fucks me again.
Hard. Deep. Fast. Hot.
And I know, I just fucking know.
I’ll hate myself all over again by morning.
5
NOW - LUCY
It has been a week.
One whole week since everything went bad.
One whole week since Shania found out that Nicolai and I had been together.
I should have broken it off the night he came to me before we went on our vacation. I should have. I tried to ignore his calls and texts when I was away. I tried so hard. I told myself what a monster I was over and over. I felt guilty every single time I heard his name. I cringed when Erin asked me about my love life. I even tried to look at other men.
It didn’t work.
I had a great time away, even with the drama of a hurricane which only made things worse because Nicolai called more. When I got back, I swore I’d stay away and that would be the end of it, but it wasn’t.
It wasn’t.
He came over the night I got home, and we fought, oh we fought, then we made love and fuck, it was incredible.
Then, it was almost impossible to stay away.
It didn’t matter what I did, I just couldn’t keep myself from him.
The conversation became easier, the laughter more frequent, and everything seemed to be falling into place.
I became almost content with the fact that I was in a forbidden relationship, even though neither of us were going to call it that. No, we were just going to pretend it wasn’t happening and enjoy each other.
Then, I made the biggest mistake of all.
I text Nicolai when Shania was there. I didn’t know she was there, and she saw the messages. She confronted me, and I broke her heart. I broke her into a thousand pieces. She ran, and I haven’t seen her since. She won’t answer my calls, or my texts, and she won’t answer the door.
She hates me.
She hates me, and I deserve it.
I haven’t spoken to Nicolai in that time, either.
I guess it blew up in his face, too.
Because he has Tommy, and that’s more important to him than anything.
So he hasn’t called me. Hasn’t text me. Hasn’t even tried to contact me.
That means it’s over, I’m not stupid.
So not only is my heart breaking over losing my sister, it’s breaking over losing Nicolai.
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I’m alone.
And broken.
And so hateful of myself it burns.
“Knock knock!”
The sound of a familiar voice has my head jerking up from my sad, strange, pathetic thoughts. I’ve just finished work for the night, and I’m wondering what the hell to do. I feel lost. I can’t visit Shania. I can’t talk to Nicolai. I feel empty, like there is just no place in the world I can be right now.
Damon has been my only rock, the only person here to help me through it. He’s the best friend I could ever ask for. He’s been helpful in ways I can’t even explain, and I’m thankful for that, but obviously he has to be weary, too. Lincoln is his brother, and Lincoln is with Shania. He doesn’t want to tread on toes, which I understand.
But he’s still been amazing.
“Luce?”
Erin’s voice flows through my house. She’s the only other person who has been amazing. She’s checked on me as much as she can, but she’s been exhausted with work and hasn’t had the chance to come around. I’m surprised she’s here, but it’s a welcome surprise. It’s good to know not everyone hates me.
My poor, pathetic broken heart isn’t healing anytime soon.
I need a friend.
I might not deserve one, but I need one.
“Hey,” I say as she rounds the corner.
She’s beautiful. And funny. Exactly the kind of person I’d pick as a friend. She’s just like me. The same personality. The same dry sense of humor. Erin is awesome, and I’m glad I found her, truly glad. Her dark hair is tied on the top of her head in a messy knot, and she’s wearing a pair of denim shorts and a green tank, which only makes her emerald eyes pop.
Yep. Jealous.
“Hey, girlfriend,” she says, walking over to where I’m sitting and plopping down beside me, dropping a huge bag onto the ground. “I’m staying the night. We’re getting drunk. We’re going to talk until my ears bleed.”
I want to cry. But I don’t. I don’t cry. Hell no, I won’t cry. Because I’m strong, right?
“You’re staying the night?” I say, and my voice is hoarse.
But I won’t cry.
Nope.
“I’m staying the night. Finn is busy with Brody, so I’m all yours. I haven’t been over enough in the last week, and you need it, by the looks of you.”
I look down at myself, then look back up at her. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Honey, you haven’t brushed your hair in days, I can see it. Then there’s the fact that your eyes are puffy and red, so you haven’t slept. Tonight, we’re going to go out. Get drunk. And get past this.”
“I don’t think I can get past it,” I say to her, and even I can hear how pathetic my voice sounds. “Shania hates me.”
“Shania is hurt, yes. She will come around. It’ll take time, but she will, I promise.”
“You’re wrong, she’s not going to get over this,” I say, shaking my head as I speak.
“She will,” Erin says confidently, “because she loves you.”
“I betrayed her.”
Erin shakes her head, pulls out a bottle of vodka, and walks into the kitchen pulling out two glasses and a bottle of orange juice. She mixes them up and hands me one before saying, “Look, here’s how I see it. What you did sucked. It did. But Nicolai and Shania were never together. They slept together. She got pregnant. It went bad. Yes, that sucks, it really does, but he was single, you were single …”
“He broke her heart by taking her son.”
“Yes, yes he did, but that’s between him and Shania, it has nothing to do with you.”
“I’m her sister …”
Erin nods. “Yes, yes you are. Because of that you should have told her you had something with him, you should have been honest. She may not have liked it, but at least you were upfront. I feel like that’s what hurts her the most, is that you weren’t honest with her. That you kept it a secret. That’s what is hurting, I’d bet on it.”
She’s right, I know that’s what is hurting Shania the most. Because she trusts me, and we’ve always had each other’s backs. She would have expected me to be honest with her about Nicolai. Erin is right, she wouldn’t have liked it, but being upfront would have saved at least half of this pain. I know that, and I screwed up. I can’t change it now, no matter how hard I try.
“Now, we’re going to get dressed up, go out, and maybe take your mind of this man, because I know you’re hurting.”
I bite my bottom lip. Is it that obvious?
Dammit, I know it probably is.
“Sounds good to me,” I say, even though every instinct in my body is saying no, just stay here, curl up and sulk, don’t go out.
I know going out will do me good.
I know it’ll make me feel better.
At least for a little while.
~*~*~*~
“Have you spoken to Nicolai?” Erin asks me as we drink our fourth cocktail.
We’re sitting out front of a popular bar, in the amazing garden created for people to relax on a clear night. Inside is packed, and people are dancing and laughing, so we couldn’t talk in there. We found a seat out here and have claimed it for the remainder of the night. Erin’s words, not mine.
“No,” I tell her, taking another sip of the fruity drink in front of me.
It’s making my head fuzzy and my body warm, and it’s making it hurt just a little less.
“Has he tried?”
I shake my head, thinking about it only makes me feel worse.
“I’m sorry, honey.”
“You know,” I tell her, “it’s frustrating because he was the one that pushed at the start. He pushed the connection. He pushed for me, and then when it all went bad, which he had to know was going to happen, he disappears. I respect that he is thinking of Shania and Tommy and their relationship, but he was the one that pursued me even when I said no. Sure, I gave in, but I’m so freaking angry at him. Is that bad?”
Erin shakes her head. “Hell no it’s not bad, I’d be angry too. You’re right, he knew the consequences of it, and he still chose to push, now he’s disappeared leaving you heartbroken. No, that’s not fair.”
She’s right, it isn’t fair.
I can own my part, I can take it on board, but I’m not going to defend his actions. He needs to do that. I deserve, at the very least, an explanation as to why he basically ghosted me. I didn’t deserve to be ghosted, I deserved him to man up and say this is over, this can’t continue, and I’m sorry. I’ve said my sorries, I’ve told the people I hurt the most that I should never have done it. I’ve tried. But what I cannot do is speak for him.
“No,” I tell her, “no, it wasn’t fair, at all.”
“You should confront him about it. He, at the very least, owes you that.”
I nod and stare down at my drink, my heart aching.
“There’s my two favorite girls!”
I look up and see Damon strolling in and, my heart, I’m not going to lie, explodes. I’m so happy to see him. So happy to see Erin. So happy to feel like I’m not alone. I stand up with a happy squeal and rush over, throwing my arms around him. He hugs me tightly, saying into my ear, “You didn’t think I was going to let you have fun without me, did you?”
I pull back and grin up at him. “Of course not! I’m so happy you’re here!”
He sits with us after hugging Erin, and I look to her, a big smile on my face. “You really went above and beyond, thank you so much.”
She shrugs. “That’s what friends are for, and considering you and Damon have some weird friendship, I figured I had better invite him.”
I laugh, so does Damon. “I’m glad you did.”
“We were just gossiping about Nicolai,” Erin tells Damon, and then stands. “I’m getting another round of drinks!”
She walks off and Damon looks to me. “You still haven’t heard from him then?”
I shake my head. “Nothing. Not a thing. I stupidly text him a few times which, hon
estly, just made me feel even more pathetic. I’m usually stronger than that.”
“You’re also usually surrounded by people that make you feel strong, right now you’re down. Give yourself some credit, you’re doing really well.”
I exhale, and then meet his eyes. “Have you seen Shania?”
“Yeah, I saw her today. We actually had a chat, which is why I wanted to come and talk to you.”
I practically launch onto his lap, I’m so desperate to hear what he has to say. “What did she say?”
“She said she’s really hurt, that she can’t believe you’d do that to her. Me being me put it in a different perspective for her, considering she won’t listen to you.”
“What did you say?”
I’m practically shaking out of my seat my foot is tapping so hard. I’m desperate to know what she said, to know if there’s a chance to fix this. I have to try and fix this any way I can. Right now, that’s space, but eventually I want to talk to her.
“I told her that while her and Nicolai have a bad past that it’s also over and he’s no longer any of her concern. Tommy is her concern, but Nicolai is not. That she’s holding onto her own hurt toward him, but really, that’s not on you. You’re a single woman, he’s a single man, and she’s not with him, nor has she ever been with him. While I respect that she has feelings of hurt over what happened, those feelings are her own.”
I stare at him, shocked he’d be so upfront.
“I still betrayed her, as a sister, because of the fact that she has past hurts with him. I should have stayed away for that very reason.”
“Yes, you should have, and you’re owning that. You’re taking responsibility for that. You’re not defending yourself, you know what you’ve done, but it’s also a lot of her feelings being pushed onto you because of how she feels about Nicolai. It isn’t entirely on you.”
He’s right, deep down I know he’s right, though I’d never ever say that to Shania. No, I feel like she has a right to feel the way she does, and I’ll accept that. I’ll accept whatever she wants to dish out to me, because I know she needs it.