by Bella Jewel
“Do you think she’ll ever talk to me again?”
Damon nods. “Yes, I do. I honestly do. I think she just needs time. She did say she misses you and asked me how you were. She also asked if you were still seeing Nicolai.”
Does she not know it has ended? I mean, surely she’s speaking to Nicolai, I’m sure he’s told her he hasn’t spoken to me.
“I’m sure Nicolai told her it has ended.”
“No, Nicolai is angry at her.”
I blink. “He is?”
“Yes. She said he’s civil because of Tommy, but he’s angry at her, because in his eyes, it is not her business. He’s a good father. She’s a good mother. But the past is the past and he’s angry that she’s still living in it and wanting everyone around her to hate him forever. He apparently said, ‘imagine how you’d feel if I told everyone in my life to hate you, for the things you did’. I’m not sure that went down well …”
“Oh,” I say, feeling really guilty. I never wanted to come between those two, not at all.
“She’s still getting Tommy, she had him today, Nicolai is still working with her, he’s just angry at her. That’s his choice.”
“I didn’t want them to fight …” I tell Damon, holding his eyes.
“Those two will fight because they want to fight, they don’t need you there to do it. They need to hash it out, hardcore, to truly get over it. The fact is, they’re both still silently angry at the other person, and because of that, they’re both not letting go. That’s on them. Not you.”
“I didn’t help …”
“No, you didn’t. But it’s done. What more can you do?”
He’s right.
At this point, there is absolutely nothing more I can do.
6
NOW – LUCY
Throwing my head back, way too drunk, I laugh at Damon’s stupid joke.
We’re all walking down the sidewalk after our night out; where we’re heading, I do not know. Past bars and clubs, chatting and laughing. It feels amazing. We’re all super drunk, and the hysterical laughter leaving our throats is definitely turning heads, but who cares? We’re having fun. Life is made to live, is it not?
“You’re a clown, Damon.” I giggle. “Stop telling lame jokes!”
He chuckles. “My lame jokes are making you snort.”
“And my nose is running!” Erin cries. “It’s running like a tap I’m laughing so much. Stop!”
We all laugh again.
“Shit.”
The word leaves Damon’s lips almost as a breathy mutter. It’s short, it’s sharp, and it’s quiet. But it’s serious. I immediately look to him, and he’s staring straight ahead. I look to Erin, she’s doing the same, her face no longer broken out in a happy smile, but instead in a worried expression.
I look forward.
And I see what they see.
Outside of a club, a club I’ve never been to or even probably seen before, is Nicolai. He’s standing with a group of people, dressed in his usual business attire, which tells me he’s been working. By his side is a gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous, blond woman. She’s got her arm hooked through his and currently has her head thrown back in laughter.
The very sight feels like a punch to the stomach.
An agonizing punch to the stomach.
It hurts so much I can’t take another step.
I can’t even think.
My stupid drunken brain can’t fathom what’s in front of me.
He ruined my life.
He pushed and he pushed when he could have just left me alone, we could have made one little mistake and he could have moved on. But he pushed. He came back. He wanted more. Then he left me with nothing. Without a single explanation. He left me heartbroken, without a sister, and confused.
Now … now he’s standing outside a club with another woman.
As if nothing is wrong in his world.
As if he hasn’t done a single thing in his entire life to anyone. Never hurt a soul. Never felt pain.
He’s just standing there like he hasn’t got a single weight on his shoulders.
He’s smiling at some man standing across from him.
The smile I’ve missed so much in the last week. The smile I’ve craved.
His hand is on the small of her back now, guiding her to turn in our direction so they can no doubt walk away together, walk right where I’m standing, stuck to this damned ground, drunk, probably looking terrible, and angry. So damned angry. I can’t move. I should move, just turn and disappear, maybe he’ll never see me and I can go home and cry it out and get over it.
But I can’t move.
Erin’s hand is on my arm, but I’m still not moving.
How can I? I can’t even breathe, let alone move.
He’s going to look at me any second now, and he’s probably going to feel uncomfortable and wonder how the hell he’s going to get away from me. He’s probably going to compare me to that supermodel on his arm and wonder what the fuck he ever saw in me.
What the hell is wrong with me?
These thoughts, they’re not me. I’m the strong one. The determined one. The one filled with self-worth.
I’m not going to let him see my pain.
No.
Not here.
Not with that woman hanging off him.
So, I let the anger come forth. I let myself feel it wholly. I let it seep into my veins until it’s consuming my small, drunken frame.
Then and only then do I meet his eyes.
He’s watching me, zoned in on me, shock written across his features. Those perfect, sculpted, masculine features.
He knows what he’s done.
Everyone knows what he’s done.
But me? I’m furious. Wild. Angry. Red raw.
I want to scream at him. To punch him in the face. To tell him what a horrible person I think he is.
But that’s childish, and I’m not a damned child.
Damon steps in closer to me. I appreciate that, I really do. Erin keeps holding my arm.
Nicolai stops in front of me and, for a moment, the air is so thick with tension I feel like I’m totally unable to take a breath.
“Lucy …”
That’s it?
That’s honestly it? That’s all he’s going to say?
Fucking Lucy?
Not a question of how I am.
Not it’s good to see you.
No, just my name.
“Go fuck yourself, Nicolai. You’re a waste of good air.”
With that, I step past him, so angry, but mostly, so incredibly hurt.
Damon and Erin keep up with me as we step around the ground, all of their eyes on me. My words were harsh, I know this. But it took everything to keep it together then. Every bit of strength inside me was used up in not going off at him.
“Stop!”
His words are a harsh whip, an angry order, one not to be messed with.
I ignore it.
“Lucy, I swear to god, you stop or I’ll make you stop.”
He’s not honestly that stupid, is he?
I’m being calm.
I’m not unleashing the beast.
But I can, and oh, I will.
Damon spins around, and I peek over my shoulder to see him take two steps forward and say to Nicolai, “Back off. She has nothing to say to you, and you’ll do well to let her walk away.”
Nicolai, unbothered by Damon, angrily steps forward and looks to him. “What exactly are you going to do about it? I know who you are, Damon Knight. You don’t bother me. I’ll speak to Lucy, and if I have to go through you to do it, I will.”
Damon’s jaw tightens. He might be funny and easy going, but I almost guarantee he’ll put up one hell of a fight. He’s not the type to be messed with. Neither is Nicolai. Which means this would become messy, and angry, and Damon could get hurt because of me. Because of my stupid actions. Nicolai isn’t going to back down, it’s written all over his face.
“Five minutes
,” I say, stepping up to Damon and putting a hand on his shoulder. “I’ll give him five minutes.”
“You’ll give him nothing if you don’t want to,” Damon grinds out.
“I’m not going to let you get into a fight for me, Damon. Not over him.”
Damon takes an angry breath and turns, looking down at me. “He does not deserve your time or your effort, Lucy.”
“I know that,” I say softly, “but I’m not going to have a fight on the street. I’ll meet you in the bar in five minutes, okay? If I’m not back, I give you full permission to come out and get me with any force necessary.”
Damon makes a growling sound. “Fine, five minutes. Don’t you back down. He doesn’t deserve you.”
Erin looks to Nicolai, crosses her drunken arms and says, “You’re a dick. A big fat dick. She didn’t deserve to be treated like crap, lose her sister, and not even hear from you. Kid or no kid, you should own up to your responsibilities. Douche.”
With that, Erin takes Damon’s arm and they walk into the closest bar. The group of people Nicolai was with have also retreated to the bar, including the beautiful woman who stared at me with a saucy expression for more than a few minutes. When we’re alone, I look to Nicolai and snap, “Five minutes.”
“Not here.”
He grabs my arm without warning and drags me down the closest alley, which is right next to the bar. There are a few people hovering around, so he pulls me further in until we’re alone. It’s dark down here, just enough light coming from the street to allow me to see him, but only just.
I step away as soon as we stop, and Nicolai looks to me with a scowl. I can see the scowl, not clearly, but I know that expression.
“Stop acting like a damned child.”
I blink. Excuse me?
“What did you just say to me?” I growl.
“We can have a conversation without all the drama. Like adults. Want to give that a try?”
Oh no.
Hell to the fucking no.
I’m not going to be spoken to like that.
No thanks.
“You know what?” I yell, losing my shit, because fuck keeping my anger in. He doesn’t deserve me to keep my anger in. “Go fuck yourself, Nicolai. I have done nothing to deserve you speaking to me like utter trash. I’m hurt. Do you understand that? Do you have feelings at all? I thought we had something. I risked my relationship with my sister, which I’ve probably lost, because I thought it was worth it, and you couldn’t even man up and have the decency to tell me it’s over. You ghosted me. You disappeared. You ignored me. You did the cruelest thing a person can do. I deserve better than you, you fucking jerk!”
I shove his chest, as hard as I can, which apparently is not that hard because he doesn’t even move. That just makes me angrier, and hot tears burst forth and stream down my face.
I’m drunk.
Emotions and alcohol very rarely mix.
Tonight they’re most certainly not mixing.
I know I’ll regret this in the morning, this behavior.
But I can’t find it in myself to stop.
“You’re an absolute dick, and I never want to see you again. Go to hell.”
I turn to storm off, but his hand lashes out and catches my arm, pulling me back so quickly I stumble a little. He presses my body against the cool brick wall, holding me up with his strength, and he leans in close, effectively trapping me in.
“I did not mean to hurt you, Lucy,” his voice is crackly, calm, cool. Like he has full hold of his emotions. Not like me. Blubbering mess. “But I had no other choice. Tommy was feeling it. Shania was screaming at me. Everything was going fuckin’ bad. I wasn’t going to hurt my son. I wasn’t going to put him in the middle. Until it cooled down, I had to do the right thing.”
“The right thing?” I cry, trying to squirm my way out. “The right thing by whom? Because you could have sent me one fucking message, just one, to tell me we needed some space. One message. You owed me at least that. Now let me go, I have literally nothing else to say to you, Nicolai.”
He doesn’t move, instead he leans down so close his lips almost graze mine. I shiver, because god, I’ve missed him. I hate admitting that, but it’s true. It’s brutal, it’s honest, and it’s exactly how I feel. There is simply no point in denying it.
“One message?” he growls, his voice low and husky. “One fucking message? You wanted something from me that was going to fuckin’ break me. I had Shania in my face, my son with me, and I was doin’ my best to try and keep him out of it, and through all of it, all I could fuckin’ think about was you. How much I missed you. How much it fuckin’ hurt. But I knew if I sent that one fuckin’ message you wanted so badly, I wouldn’t be able to stay away.”
I blink, quite frankly shocked.
He didn’t message me because he thought he couldn’t stay away?
I mean, that’s certainly not the answer I was expecting, not at all, in fact. I thought he’d tell me it was best if it was over, that cutting contact was the most effective way to do that, but instead he’s telling me that the reason he stayed away was because he didn’t think he was strong enough. That kind of makes everything worse. Knowing he didn’t want me, made it hard for me to stay away.
Knowing he does want me …
“You missed me?” My voice is two levels lower, and softer, and dammit.
No.
I should leave.
“I haven’t felt this way about a woman since … Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t even know if I have. You do something to me. I want to be around you. Fuck, I want everything when it comes to you.”
“Nicolai …” I breathe.
“Staying away from you was the hardest fuckin’ thing I’ve had to do in some time.”
Oh god.
“But you have to stay away from me …”
“Who the fuck says?”
“Shania is my sister … She’s hurting …”
“Fuck Shania,” he growls, and then his lips are on mine.
And oh, oh, my poor little drunk mind can’t take it.
I just can’t take it.
I kiss him back, whimpering at the relief. The relief of feeling him against me again. The relief of not feeling that horrible pain for a few minutes. Just pure relief. I need him. I want him. I miss him.
His hands move quickly, pulling me closer.
We have minutes. If that.
I know very well Damon and Erin will come looking soon.
That only makes this more thrilling.
Our kiss turns from soft to frantic. My hands are tangled in his hair. His hands are running down my ass and cupping it, hauling me against him.
Then he jerks my dress up and his fingers glide over the smooth skin of my ass. I’m wearing a thong, what can I say? I like to live dangerously.
“You’re out, wearing this dress, with this fuckin’ strip of material underneath?” he growls in my ear, nipping at the lobe.
“Yes.”
“Don’t fuckin’ do it again unless I’m standing by your side all night.”
I shiver, thrilled by his words.
He tears the thong, effortlessly, and then shoves it in his pocket. That’s even more kinky, if you ask me.
Then he’s freeing his cock, lifting me so my legs are around his hips and his cock is probing my entrance. We have to be fast. This has to be hard and dirty.
Which is exactly how I like it.
His lips find mine as he surges inside me, filling me, making me whimper with the delicious pain that courses through my body as I stretch around him. Nicolai is big, and he knows exactly how to hit the spot.
“Oh god, I’ve missed you,” I whimper as he starts fucking me.
Bodies crushed together, tangled up in bliss.
He fucks me to show me just how much he’s missed me.
I take it.
Every bit of it.
When I orgasm, I bury my face into his neck and scream, pleasure shooting through my body.
When we’re done, he gently slips out of me and puts me down, and I can feel the warmth of him between my legs, and I wonder how in the hell I’m going to walk around, feeling that, knowing he’s been there.
Nicolai pulls my panties from his pocket and gently cleans me up, never once breaking eye contact, then he tosses them in the trash.
“I wanted those,” he growls, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and then gently cradling my face with it, “but knowing you’re walking around, aching from my cock, is enough satisfaction from me tonight.”
I bite my lip and look up at him. “I have to go, or we’ll be caught.”
Caught.
Like we’re doing something wrong.
Like we’re monsters.
Having an affair.
Doing something completely horrible.
Are we doing something completely horrible?
God dammit.
The guilt squeezes my stomach, and Nicolai immediately notices the change.
“Don’t,” he growls in warning. “Don’t tarnish us with guilt.”
“She’s my sister, Nicolai …”
“Yes, she is your sister. She’s also not the dictator of your life. Remember that.”
“Lucy?”
Damon’s voice echoes down the alley. Shit.
I straighten up, praying I don’t look like I’ve just been fucked, and my eyes go to Nicolai, who is casually doing his pants up, like he doesn’t give a crap who sees him. Then he runs his fingers through his hair, takes my arm, and escorts me out.
Damon takes one look at me and narrows his eyes. God, I hope it’s not horribly obvious. Though I’m sure Damon isn’t stupid, and he knows exactly what just happened. Nicolai lets me go, looks down at me, and murmurs, “Later.”
Then he’s gone.
I look to Damon and he crosses his arms. “Care to explain to me why you smell like sex, look like sex, and aren’t angry anymore?”
Shit.
This just isn’t going well.
~*~*~*~
“Honey,” Erin says when we get back to my place, “be careful …”
“I know I shouldn’t have done it,” I tell her as I make us all a cup of tea to try and calm down from the night we’ve had. “But … I just want him so bad. I know how pathetic that sounds, I know it, but I can’t seem to stop the feelings I have.”