by Bella Jewel
“It isn’t pathetic,” Damon tells me, lying back on the sofa and groaning because he’s way too drunk. “But you do have to stop. You’ll get hurt.”
“Because of Shania, or because of Nicolai?”
“Both,” he murmurs.
“If Shania wasn’t in the picture, would you still tell me to stay away?”
He removes his arm from over his eyes and stares at me. “Yes, because you don’t know anything about him. You don’t even know his fuckin’ real name. He could be anyone. Doesn’t that bother you?”
Come to think of it, it does bother me, but I seem to just forget about it when Nicolai is around. He makes everything feel so good that I simply don’t even think to question him as to why he changed his name.
“People change their names all the time,” I say. “For security reasons, for personal reasons …”
“For illegal reasons,” Erin finishes for me, bringing the cups of tea over.
Damon groans as he sits up and takes it.
“Well, that doesn’t mean he’s some sort of criminal …” I mutter, frustrated.
“No, it doesn’t, but you should at least have the right to know. Besides that, you haven’t spoken to Shania yet. Going with Nicolai again, it’ll cause problems, Lucy. You know it will …”
Damon’s voice is gentle, but he’s not holding back.
He’s giving me the brutal, honest truth.
And he’s right.
No matter how hard I try to deny it, he’s right.
Shania has to mean more.
She has to come first.
So, I need to talk to her, to be open and honest about my feelings.
At the very least, then I can move forward without lies and secrets.
“Here’s my opinion, honey, and tell me if I’m wrong,” Erin begins, “but if you’re truly invested in Nicolai, it all checks out, and you’re in love with him or want to be with him, then you need to make the choice, are you going to do that, or are you not? If you are, you need to be open and honest with Shania about it; if you’re not, then you need to cut ties with Nicolai once and for all. If you decide to go with him, and Shania doesn’t agree, that’s something you can either live with, or you can’t …”
“Basically,” Damon says, groaning and rubbing his head, “it’s Shania or Nicolai. Decide which one you can live without.”
“Bit brutal, Damon,” Erin snaps. “Shania may actually come to accept it.”
“Maybe, but you don’t know that, and if she doesn’t then you’ll be losing a sister. The choice is yours, Lucy.”
Well.
I know their advice was meant to make me feel better, but all it did is make me feel worse. Because losing Shania, I just can’t imagine that, I don’t want to imagine that, hell, I’m not even sure I can picture my life without her in it. Losing Nicolai, that thought hurts, but I know, deep down, if it came down to it, that’s the decision I’d have to make.
I’d get over him, right?
I mean, sure I will, with time.
Why the hell does this have to be so complicated?
I just want to move on with my life, in the happiest way I can, but it feels like no matter which choice I make here, I’m not going to be happy.
Dammit.
“I have an idea,” Erin says, just as Damon lets out a little snore on the couch. He’s passed out, poor guy. “You need to date. You need to shift your focus a little bit, at least try to see if there are other options out there. Right now, I feel like you’re caught up in the intensity of everything that has to do with Nicolai, it’s thrilling and dramatic and exciting, but it may very well change when things settle down. You need to give them time to settle down. See what else is out there. Keep the old rotation going …”
“You want me to date?” I say, crossing my legs. “Is this some sort of revenge for the shitty date I sent you on?”
Erin laughs. “Maybe, but it’s also for your own good.”
“I don’t want to date though,” I huff. “But you’re right. I know you’re right. That’s the advice I’d give someone else in my shoes. I’m losing my touch.”
“I’ve been there, honey, not all that long ago to be honest. I was fighting against myself and letting my feelings for Finn confuse me and change who I was. In the end, it worked out, but if you don’t get control of yourself now, you might be making decisions for the wrong reasons. You’re strong, stronger than me, you’ve got this. You don’t need Nicolai. You don’t need anything. You’re Lucy, and you’re a flipping legend.”
I laugh. “Well, when you put it like that I suppose …”
We both giggle.
But I know she’s right. I know it more than I’m willing to admit it.
I’m losing control.
I’m losing myself.
I can’t make any decisions right now, because my mind and my heart are both aching.
Dating it is.
I’m sure it’ll be a barrel of fun.
7
NOW – LUCY
I pull my shoes on and grab my purse, then I look in the mirror.
I look good. Hot, really.
I’m going on my first date. I downloaded a few apps, chatted to a few men, and it didn’t take long for one to ask me out.
It’s for the best, and I must admit, getting ready for the date tonight really did help take my mind of things. Off Nicolai, mostly.
He’s invading my thoughts, consuming me, driving me around the bend. But I’ve held strong. I messaged him and told him I needed to get my shit together, to figure out what was best for me, and I’d leave him be.
He didn’t like that, of course.
It’s fine for him to ghost me, but I tell him I’m going off the radar and he loses his shit.
Okay, Nicolai doesn’t lose his shit exactly but he does let you know when something is not pleasing him.
This is certainly not pleasing him.
I didn’t dare tell him I was dating, that wouldn’t go down well at all.
But I have to do it. I have to collect myself. I have to be able to see this with a clear mind and to do that I need space.
I need to at least see what else is out there.
I step out my front door but come to a complete halt when I see Shania standing out the front of my place, having just gotten out of her car. She’s with Lincoln, of course she is, and they’re both walking up to my front door. They see me and stop. My heart thumps hard in my chest, and I have to take a minute to gather myself. I wasn’t expecting to see Shania for god knows how long, and here she is, and I’m not ready.
I don’t know what to say.
I take another deep breath and then walk down the front steps, purse clutched so tightly under my arm it is already hurting.
“Shania, Lincoln, I wasn’t expecting either of you … not for a long time, to be honest,” I say, my voice full of emotion as I look at my sister.
I have so many things I want to say, but nothing comes out.
I’m not going to spill my soul to Shania, I swore I’d let her come to me, let her bring it up, let her take the lead. Even though right now all I want to do is hug her, tell her how sorry I am, and that I hate not talking to her, I don’t. I just stand there, studying them both.
“You look nice,” Lincoln says. “Goin’ on a date?”
“I am, actually,” I say. “Thanks.”
“Who with?” Shania asks.
It’s the first time I’ve heard her voice in a few weeks.
My heart aches.
I keep my shit together.
“A stranger,” I shrug. “I’m … trying to date.”
I don’t want to tell her how much this is killing me, she won’t understand, and why should she?
She stares at me, and I can see a million things running through her mind, purely from the expression on her face, but she says none of them.
“Have you seen Nicolai?”
She comes straight out with it. Shania was never scared to speak her
mind.
I owe her honesty.
“Yes, I saw him the other night when I was out with Erin and Damon. We had a brief conversation. That was it.”
I’m not going to tell her we had sex. Hell no.
She looks like she wants to know more, but she doesn’t ask. “That’s it?”
“Yes, Shania, that’s it.”
My voice surprises me. It has taken on a rather agitated edge, an edge I didn’t think I’d have when it came to my sister. She seems surprised, too, because she looks a little hurt.
“Are you going to keep seeing him?” she asks me, her voice a little kinder now, a little less confronting.
“I’m trying not to. I’m dating. I’m not speaking to him. Believe it or not, I never wanted to hurt you. I never meant to feel the way I felt about him. I didn’t see it coming and it hit me like a hurricane. Even still, you’re so important to me that I’m trying to push it all aside. But it hurts, don’t doubt for a second that I’m in pain right now. But I’m doing it. For you. Because you matter to me. Now, I’m going to have to leave, because I’ll be late for my date.”
Shania exhales, and her shoulders slump a little. “This is hurting me, too.”
“I’m aware of that,” I tell her. “But I can’t take it back. I can tell you how sorry I am. I can do my best to get past this. But I can’t take it back.”
She nods, understanding, which is kind of a relief. “Do you love him?”
Her question shocks me, because it wasn’t something I’d considered. I mean, we have something, obviously, or it wouldn’t hurt like this, but what that is, I don’t know.
“I don’t know,” I tell her honestly. “I’m hurting. But I don’t really understand why. I’ve not been in love. I don’t even know if we’ve spent enough time together for it to be love, or if I’m feeling this way because of the fact that we’re not supposed to see each other, so it was thrilling. I honestly don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Again, my tone shocks me, because I can’t seem to understand why I’m suddenly feeling resentment toward Shania. It’s like deep down, I’m angry, and I’m covering it with my guilt. These feelings are rather confusing, and I really just need to get away from them.
“You’re angry,” Shania says, her eyes locked on mine.
I exhale. “I don’t know what I am. I really have to go because I’ll be late for this date.”
“Be careful on a date with a stranger,” Lincoln says. “Do you know anything about him?”
I shake my head. “No, but I’ll be fine.”
“He’s right,” Shania says, “be careful.”
I say nothing.
“We came to invite you to Tommy’s birthday party on the weekend,” Lincoln says, taking the lead and telling me what they came here for, though I know damn well it was for more than that, because they could have just texted. “Obviously Nicolai will be there, so it’s understandable if you don’t want to be, but you’re his aunty, and we don’t want him missing out on you.”
Well, hasn’t Lincoln taken on the step-daddy role nicely?
“I’ll see how I go. Of course I want to be there for Tommy, but I’m not certain you—“ I look to Shania “—Nicolai and I should all be in the same room right now. If I can’t make it, I’ll bring a present for Tommy, if that’s okay with you, on another day.”
Shania nods. “We’ll leave it up to you.”
“Okay, well, I’m leaving now.”
I walk past them, feeling a strange mix of emotions that, quite frankly, are confusing me. I want to cry, I want to yell, I want to hug my sister, and I want to slap her face.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Seriously?
~*~*~*~
My date is nice.
He’s handsome, he’s friendly enough, and the conversation has been easy to have.
But I’m not into it.
I’m trying to be, I really am, and usually a man with his looks and seemingly easy personality would have me grinning from ear to ear, but this man, I don’t feel anything when I look at him. Nothing. Nothing but a horrible ache in my gut. I miss Nicolai. The very thought of that makes me want to scream, and cry, and curse everything.
I hate that I miss him.
I hate all these stupid feelings in my chest.
I wish it would all go away, to be honest.
My date, Cooper, is seemingly oblivious to it all. We had dinner, some drinks, and he spent most of the time happily chatting to me. That was fine, it meant I didn’t have to chat much. My mind was elsewhere and, honestly, I can’t really recall anything he said that stood out. That’s how distracted I am.
After the date, he walks me to my car, which is parked around the back of the building. It’s rather late now, around ten thirty, and I just want to go home and sleep. To forget everything for just a small amount of time.
Cooper is still chatting when we stop at the car, and he turns to me, a little too close for my liking but I think nothing of it.
“Did you enjoy tonight?” he asks me.
I look up at him. He’s tall, well over six feet, and has sandy brown hair, dazzling brown eyes, and nice skin. He’s handsome, more in the clean cut kind of way, but no doubt handsome.
“I did,” I lie. “Thanks for taking me out.”
“I’d like to see you again …”
Dang it.
“Sure, yeah,” I force myself to say, even though I honestly don’t feel it.
He must realize that, because he frowns and says, “I don’t feel like you mean that at all.”
I exhale. No point in lying to the poor guy. “Look, I’m trying to get over someone. I thought dating would help, and it isn’t. I’m sorry to have waste your time but—”
“So you’re using me as some sort of rebound?” he snaps, shocking me.
“What? No …”
“What is with you women?” he mutters. “You all run around complaining that men are dogs, but really, you are all worse than us. You’re using, bitchy, and cruel.”
Oh, boy. Cooper has a temper. Good to know.
“Look, I’m sorry if that’s how you see it. I honestly am trying to move on, and you’ve been wonderful, this is nothing against you …”
I’m trying to remain calm.
Trying so hard.
“I could have gone out with anyone, I chose you. You’ve not been interested in a thing I’ve said, or done. I’m done being nice to women like you. No, women like you are only good for one thing …”
He reaches around quickly, grabbing me by the ass and hauling me up against him. Shocked, it takes me a few minutes to shove at him. Panic grips my chest as I realize out here we’re completely alone and he could do anything. I’m not a big woman, and in no way strong enough to fight him off if he didn’t want me to.
“Let me go immediately,” I say, my voice firm, like a whip.
He squeezes my ass again and when his hand moves around to the front, I raise my knee and hit him in the balls. Oldest trick in the book, but guaranteed to work. Bellowing, he topples backward and roars in pain. I don’t look back. I pull out my keys, get into my car, and get the hell out of there.
What a jerk.
It just goes to show that some men, no matter how nice they act, are dogs deep down inside.
And he actually had the nerve to give me a lecture.
Pig.
Once I’m out on the road, the emotions hit hard.
He could have hurt me, or worse.
The thought has my mind reeling and, mixed with all the other emotions, I find myself unable to gain control.
I don’t want to go home.
I don’t want to stay here.
I don’t know what to do.
When I pull up out the front of Nicolai’s club, I know I should turn around. I know I should. But my chest, it hurts so bad, the ache almost bringing me to my knees. I want to talk to him, properly. I want to know, to understand, why the hell this feels so intense. I just �
�� I just need to see him.
I find a park and get out, trying to keep it together, but I’m shaken up, I’m hurting, and I’m not really sure what the hell I’m doing.
I wait in the line and get into the club. I don’t even know if he’s here. I think he is, because I’m sure he said this was a night he worked, but he could be upstairs, and I’ll never get in upstairs. Not into the strip club. Not alone. I walk through the crowd of people and can’t see him, so I go to the bar and ask for him.
“Is Nicolai here tonight?” I ask the bartender.
“Yeah, he is. He’s upstairs. Are you a friend of his?”
“Yeah,” I croak, hating how weak I sound. “My name is Lucy.”
The bartender raises his brows. “Oh, Lucy. I’ll call him and tell him you’re here.”
Obviously he knows about me.
That makes me feel a little warm inside.
I wait as he calls Nicolai and stare out at the people, almost in a complete daze. I’m keeping my shit together, but I don’t know how much longer I can do that for. I’m not embarrassed anymore, I’m not going to fight my emotions. Today, today has just been hard. Seeing Shania, the strange feelings that raised in me, and then that terrible fucking date, it shook me up, and I need to see the one person my heart craves right now.
He might not be right for me, but I know what I want in this moment and, in this moment, I want Nicolai.
To hell with the rest of it.
“Lucy.”
My voice comes out smooth and velvety from his lips.
My heart expands.
My lungs fill with air.
I turn around and see him standing behind me, looking impeccable as always, making my heart do little pitter patters as I take him in. This reaction, I’ve never felt anything like it, not with a man. I’ve never felt the strange feeling of being so drawn to someone, they’re like a damned magnet and you a little ball. No matter how hard you try to pull away, their strength is so much more, and they pull you in.
Every time.
“Are you okay?” Nicolai asks, his eyes scanning my face.
“No,” I say.
And that’s all I need to say.