by Bella Jewel
I laugh. “I’d like to see you catch me.”
He grins. “I could catch you, don’t doubt it.”
I roll my eyes.
“Brody, you remember Brody? He’s certainly shaking things up a little.”
“How so?” I ask, recalling the death match Erin and I so stupidly followed them to and remember how fucking horrible it was.
Those images will never leave my brain.
Not until the day I die.
And Brody, he’s seeking that shit. I know that much.
Why, though, is anyone’s guess.
“He’s still got Lincoln training him up. We’re still on the hunt for this man he’s after. He’s still determined to fight to the death. I struggle to think of what it is out there, that could possibly make anyone want to fight to the death to seek vengeance.”
“A girl, maybe?”
“No, from what I’ve been able to get out of Finn, there is a girl, but she’s still alive and he left her. Probably broke her heart. He left her to come on this little quest of his, to seek out a death match and seek whatever revenge it is he’s looking for.”
“Maybe a brother?” I suggest.
“Nope, Finn also said all his brothers are alive and well. They’re a big family, like us. It’s not them.”
I frown, rubbing my chin. “Maybe a friend?”
“Have to be a good fuckin’ friend to risk your life for, don’t you think?”
I contemplate this for a moment. “Sure, it would, but maybe he had a friend, a really, really good friend, and someone did something really bad to him. Maybe he’s seeking revenge for him.”
Damon makes a humming noise. “Yeah, still, seems excessive for revenge.”
“You’re right, it does, but things affect people differently. I guess we don’t know the full story, so it’s hard to judge. Are you helping them find this man Brody wants to fight?”
Damon nods. “Yeah, I’ve been trying to track him down. Hasn’t been an easy task, we’re still coming up with dead ends, but Lincoln did get a lead last night, so we’re hoping it’ll take us closer so this can be done.”
“Do you think he’s actually going to go through with it, if you find this guy?”
Damon looks at me. “Have you seen Brody? Have you seen the vacant look in his eyes? He’s broken. So fucking broken. So yes, I do think he’s going to go through with it. I think he’ll do it because he can’t move on with his life until he does.”
“That’s if he wins …”
Damon nods. “Yeah, that’s a big if, too. We don’t know how well this other man fights.”
“No, you’re right. It’s scary, really. I wonder if the girl he left behind knows where he is and what he’s doing?”
Damon shrugs, “I honestly doubt it. I’m guessing he left her, without reason, and she’s probably heartbroken and wondering where he is.”
Poor girl.
I literally ache for her. Imagine how that must feel? Someone you love just disappearing, and then there is the possibility she’ll find out he’s dead—if he loses that fight, that’s how it’ll go for him. Such a young life, wasted. Not just his, but hers. If she loves him, it’s something she’ll probably never recover from.
I feel like it’s selfish, but that’s truly hard to say when I don’t know the whole situation, but to me, what he’s doing it isn’t right. You can seek out justice for someone, without putting your life on the line. Is he thinking of anyone else? Her? His family? Or has he just gone so far down the hole he can only see what’s right in front of him? The vengeance.
“I hope he wins that fight,” I say, shuddering at the memories flittering around in my head.
“So do I, for the sake of everyone,” Damon murmurs.
“Anyway.” I clap, changing the subject. “That’s too dark for today, we need happy light stuff. Are you seeing anyone?”
Damon looks over to me, brows raised. “We jump from death to that?”
I shrug. “Gotta start somewhere. Answer the question.”
“I’m fairly certain you’d know if I was …”
“Would you tell me?” I cry happily. “I knew you liked me as much as I like you!”
He grins, and then rolls his eyes. “No, I wouldn’t tell you, but I have no doubt the way you stalk me, you’d figure it out.”
“I do not stalk you.” I gasp. “I simply show up at your apartment whenever I feel like it, plus you have really good coffee.”
He purses his lips, but his eyes are dancing playfully. “Good thing I’ve changed coffee brands, you might stay away now.”
I laugh and nudge him with my shoulder. “You couldn’t imagine your life without me, Damon.”
“Nope, you’re right about that, you’re like the lady of the house. At least, you think you are. You walk in like you own the joint.”
I snort. “Knights’ Lady.”
He laughs. “That’s the one.”
“Now that I’m the lady of the house, you have to tell me if there are any potential suitors …”
“I think suitors is for women …”
I laugh. “It sounded good. Carry on.”
I wave a hand elegantly, and he snorts. “No one in my life. A few fucks. That’s about it.”
“Damon!” I cry, covering my ears. “You can’t say that in front of a lady.”
He grins, huge. “I’m a man, how else did you want me to put it?”
“I just can’t,” I groan. “I can’t even imagine you fucking.”
He grunts. “What exactly do you think I do, then?”
“I don’t know, it’s like, it’s like … no. Just no.”
“Well, I fuck. I fuck a lot. I like sex. I like women. I just don’t want to be with one.”
I pout at him. “Well that’s not nice. You should give it a go. Your brothers have been converted, you never know, you just might find one you like.”
“They’re all fake, and, I don’t know, dramatic.”
“I’m not fake.” I smile.
“You’re dramatic, though. And you’re also not an option.”
I huff. “Why not?”
He chuckles. “You’re in love with Nicolai.”
“I’m not in love with Nicolai,” I defend. “And if I was single, and we weren’t friends, would you not look at me?”
“Nope.”
“Damon!”
“I wouldn’t, it’s too weird. You’re like … my sister.”
I giggle. “You’re making this weird. It didn’t need to be weird.”
“Anyway, sis, I just don’t see you like that.”
We both burst out laughing.
I like Damon. I’m so glad I found him. But I’d really like to see him with someone. He deserves someone. Obviously not someone fake, or dramatic, but there are so many nice girls out there. I’m going to have to keep my eyes peeled, maybe I might be able to find him someone that works for him.
I’ll make it my mission.
Find Damon a lady.
One to become the real Knights’ Lady.
~*~*~*~
“Can I come in?”
I’m standing at Shania’s door, two coffees in hand, a bag of awesome pastries, hoping she’ll accept and let me in.
I can’t guarantee it’ll go well, but I have to do this.
I need to get past this.
We need to get past this.
I’m going to be honest with her, even if that means she kicks me out and tells me not to come back. I can only pray that with time she’ll forgive me. I hope she will. I hope our relationship is a little stronger than that.
Shania studies me, looks at the coffees, then the bag, and says, “You’re bribing me with pastries.”
I shrug. “I’m just doing what I have to to be able to sit down and have a discussion with you.”
She steps out of the way, giving me the all clear to come inside. I walk into the kitchen and stop at the table, putting the pastries and the coffee down, then I turn to her and watch as s
he pulls out a chair and sits. I do the same.
“I’m going to get straight to it, so, I’d appreciate if you’d listen. I know you’re probably not ready to talk but, honestly, this can’t go on forever. If you’re still not okay after this, I’ll leave you alone, but I can’t live with not even discussing this. Is that okay with you?”
Shania nods.
I shift a little in the chair. A dull cramp in my lower right side making me feel uncomfortable. It’s been doing it for a few days, gradually getting worse, I’m guessing it has something to do with the fact that I’m due for a period soon, although I’ve never felt pain beforehand. I ignore it and start talking.
“I know what I’ve done, Shania, and I know that I’ve hurt you. For that, I am truly sorry. If you know me at all, then you’ll know that I don’t ever try to hurt people without cause. So deep down, you know I wouldn’t hurt you intentionally. What happened with Nicolai, I honestly didn’t see it coming, it came out of nowhere and hit me hard.”
I take a sip of my coffee, shifting again.
“I didn’t expect to feel anything for him. You know how I felt about him better than anyone. I despised him for what he did to you. But, I guess, I don’t know, that changed. I heard him out. I understood things better. I realized it wasn’t my place to judge him. We talked. We got closer. One thing led to another and here we are. But it was never my intention to cause you any pain.”
Shania sips her coffee, her face is a little difficult to read, but I’m guessing she’s just processing, so I continue.
“He means something to me, I didn’t think he would, but he does. Being without him, it’s hurt, it truly has hurt, and if I’m being totally honest, I don’t want to be without him. I want to be with him. But being with him means I don’t get to have you, and that’s really really hard because you’re my sister, and I love you. I’m also not going to lie to you any further, or be dishonest. So I came here today, because I know I owe it everyone to make a choice, stick with that choice, be honest about it, and take whatever is thrown at me.”
“You’re going to keep seeing him,” Shania says, but her voice isn’t angry. If anything, it’s as if she knew I was going to say that.
“Yes, I’m going to keep seeing him. I care about him. A lot. He matters to me, and I think I matter to him, I want to see where that goes. I know it’s weird, and I know how you feel about him, and I’m sorry for hurting you, but I was miserable without him, and I deserve happiness as much as anyone.”
I don’t fully believe my own words, and guilt stabs me in the gut, but I keep it inside. I’ve made my choice, and I have to stick with it. I just have to.
“Look,” Shania sighs, “I’ve thought a lot about this, I’ve even had a discussion with Nicolai about it. I’m not happy about it, Lucy, know that. I don’t like it, but it’s not because of what happened between us back then. That was my fault, I know this. I pushed myself onto him, even though he made it very clear he wasn’t interested. I accept that. It was the treatment that came along with it, when I got pregnant, afterwards, that’s what bothers me.”
“That he treated you badly?”
“No,” she says, “that he’ll treat you badly. I’m disappointed in you, don’t get me wrong, and I’m truly hurt you didn’t tell me about it, but I can get over that, because you’re my sister and I love you, and it’s not worth losing you over, but I’ve also seen a side to Nicolai that you haven’t, and honestly, it worries me. You’re talking about him like he’s a knight in shining armor, but, honey, he’s not.”
I’m not really sure where to go with this.
Is she right?
Am I that woman yelling to the world how incredible my man is? How he’s changed for me, how he’s different now. How he’ll never treat me the way he treated them? Am I the one foolishly believing it, while everyone else is shaking their heads and thinking to themselves “One day, we’ll be able to say I told you so”. Am I that person? Believing in someone, even though the truth is right there in front of me?
Can people truly change?
Can they honestly become better for one person when they were shitty to another?
Or is it just a band-aid, that’ll eventually fall off, and the true pieces will show through? The broken ones. The ones that’ll lead me right down the same path the other women took?
Am I blind?
“What if there’s a chance that he is different now? Because of Tommy? Maybe because of what you two went through? I mean, you have to admit he’s been good with you …”
Shania exhales. “Yes, he has, but a leopard can’t change its spots, you know that better than anyone. I don’t want you to get hurt, Lucy, and I know he’ll hurt you.”
Big statement to make, really.
That she knows he’ll hurt me.
Does she want him to hurt me?
Will that make her feel better?
“Maybe he will, but isn’t that up to me to find out? Isn’t it still my choice?”
She shakes her head. “It’s not just about you, though. It’s about my son. If he gets used to it, and you two break up ugly, how do you think that’s going to go? At birthday parties? Important events? One minute you’re both getting along, the next you despise each other and won’t even look in the same direction? Or worse, refuse to even be in the same room. How’s that going to go for him?”
“Firstly,” I snap, frustrated. Mostly because I’m in pain, the dull ache now getting worse. “It goes the same as it would go in any separation. Nicolai could have a million different partners in and out of Tommy’s life, there is nothing you can do about that. It’s life. It could happen. I’ll always be in Tommy’s life. Yes, if it went wrong, I may not want to be around Nicolai, but so what? That’s not going to stop me seeing my nephew and loving him.”
Shania looks pissed now, and I’m frustrated—combined this isn’t a good thing. We’ve had a lot of fights growing up, and when we’re both digging our heels in, things can get really freaking messy.
I feel like that’s about to happen and, honestly, I don’t want it to.
“Nicolai doesn’t care about you, Lucy!” she screams, throwing her hands up. “I’m trying here, trying to warn you. I know him better than you. I know what he’s capable of. He’s not a nice man and he’ll break your heart. People like that, they don’t change, why are you not seeing that?”
“Yeah?” I bellow back. “Imagine I went to Lincoln and told him how you acted around Nicolai? Are you that person still, Shania? You weren’t exactly easy, or nice, or even good to deal with. Are you saying that you’re the same? That eventually you’ll do the same to Lincoln? How dare you be so judgmental over your own issues. You’re allowed to change, to be happy, to not be that person anymore but he’s not? Grow the hell up.”
She’s speechless; she stares at me in horror, and anger, and mostly guilt.
She knows I’m right.
She wasn’t exactly the best person back then either, so how can she honestly stand here and say he’s not capable of change but she is?
That’s unfair.
“He’s been a good father to Tommy, he remains a good father. He may be the same, he may go back down that road with me, but that’s up to me to risk, isn’t it? You’re making this about you, because you’ve still got issues with him. Not me. I don’t. I heard him out. I let it go. I don’t want to think about the past. If I get hurt, it’s on me, nobody else. You’re trying to control a situation that, honestly, no longer has anything to do with you.”
“I don’t like it, I’ll never like it. While you’re with him, all we’ll do is fight, you know that …”
“No, we’ll fight because you’re choosing to fight with me. You’re choosing not to look past what you’re hanging onto, and you’re not letting go of the past. You’re the one causing this, nobody else. He has a right to be happy, and so do I. As much as you do. Imagine, for one second, someone told you to walk away from Lincoln because he was a jerk to women before, which h
e was, by the way. How would you feel?”
She closes her mouth, but there is still anger flashing in her eyes.
“I’m not going to discuss this any further. I came here to do the right thing and that’s tell you what’s going on. I also wanted to apologize for lying and keeping it a secret. I’ve owned my part, I’ve done all I can to tell you how sorry I am, now it’s time for you to own your part in this. While you’re at it, own up to the past and let it go.”
I stand and grab my side, the pain shooting up and around my belly button. God, I must have pulled something. I need to go home, calm down, and lie down.
“Are you okay?” Shania asks.
“Fine, I’m going home. I’ll see you tomorrow for Tommy’s birthday party.”
“Nicolai will be there,” she says to me as I reach the door.
“Yes, he will.”
“I’m not comfortable with you two …”
I exhale and look back at her. “I hear you, loud and clear. I’m not going to give him a lap dance at a kids’ party.”
With that, I step out and close the door behind me.
That didn’t go nearly as well as I hoped.
But, at least we both got everything out.
That has to count for something.
Right?
10
NOW – LUCY
I’m still in agony.
All night I tossed and turned, the pain shooting through my side and belly, almost unbearable. I’m tough by nature, but it was bad. Really fucking bad. Strong painkillers have taken the edge off enough for me to get out of bed, but I promised myself I’d go to the doctor as soon as Tommy’s party was over. I’m going to be there, no matter what.
Because he deserves not to be caught in the middle of this.
Nicolai called a few times last night but, understandably, I didn’t answer. I passed out, but spent the night rolling around, crying, wondering what the hell was going on. I finally found some good pain relief and slept in after that.
The pain seems a little less right now, but I wonder if that’s because of the pain relief. Either way, I get dressed, get in my car, and make the journey to the lake where Tommy is having his birthday party. I’ve got his present, and I’ve just thrown down another two pain killers.