‘Lil, who is the father?’ Bobby asked, his expression dark and guarded. ‘Whose baby is it?’
‘I can’t tell you,’ I said. ‘I can’t. Please don’t ask me.’
Bobby and Ruth looked at each other again, this time a more knowing glance.
‘Is it that bastard Mayhew?’ Bobby hissed.
Hearing his name in such a way felt like a slap. I winced at the words Bobby was saying and he nodded.
‘I knew it,’ he said. ‘I bloody knew it. I told Mum not to send you there. I’d heard stories about why he left his last school. She said not to listen to gossip.’
‘He’s done this before?’ Ruth said, staring at Bobby in horror as I thought about Mr Mayhew saying ‘girls’ in the churchyard.
‘He’s done it before,’ I said, simply. ‘He told me.’
‘What did he do?’ Bobby said, looking sick to his stomach. ‘Did he …?’
I took a breath. ‘I love him,’ I said. But as I said the words, I realised they weren’t true. Had they ever been? I wasn’t sure.
Ruth squeezed my fingers. ‘He took advantage of you, Lil,’ she said. ‘How old were you when this started? Fourteen?’
‘Almost fifteen,’ I said, like that made all the difference.
She shook her head.
‘I knew what I was doing,’ I said, still determined to defend Mr Mayhew, despite his cruel words. ‘I wanted him.’
‘You’re too young,’ Bobby said. He was simmering with anger. ‘He’s an adult and you’re just a kid. He’s a filthy, disgusting …’
‘Bobby,’ Ruth said, warning him. ‘Calm down.’
‘Does he know?’ Bobby said. ‘Did you tell him?’
I couldn’t speak. Though my feelings about Mr Mayhew were confusing and conflicted, I knew that telling Bobby how he’d reacted when I told him about the baby wouldn’t look good. Did Mr Mayhew’s reaction prove he was a bad person? I was afraid it did.
‘Did you tell him?’ Bobby asked again.
‘I told him,’ I said quietly. I started to cry again. ‘He said I was a slut and that he didn’t think it was his baby.’
Bobby stood up. ‘That bastard,’ he said. ‘I’m going to bloody kill him.’
Ruth grabbed his arm. ‘Bobby, don’t you dare. That’s not going to help anyone.’
She was calm. Much calmer than I’d expected her to be. And her eyes were shining with purpose. ‘If you hit him, everyone will know there’s a problem between you,’ she said. ‘We need to keep this quiet.’
‘It’ll make me feel better,’ Bobby muttered, but he sat down again.
Ruth was looking at me intently. ‘Lilian,’ she said. ‘Do you want to have a baby?’
‘No,’ I wailed. I didn’t even have to think about it. ‘I don’t know what to do with a baby. I’m too young to be a mother. I just want to play the piano.’
‘I’ve got an idea,’ said Ruth.
Bobby was watching his wife, a strange look on his face – admiration mixed with fear. ‘Ruth?’ he said. ‘Really?’
She nodded. ‘Think about it,’ she said to Bobby over my head. I had no idea what she was talking about. I just wanted my big brother to mend things. Put them right. I trusted him and her more than I trusted my own parents.
‘Are you sure?’ Bobby said.
Ruth nodded again. ‘If you are,’ she said.
He reached across me and gripped her hand and something passed between them. A strength. A determination. I waited.
‘We’ll take your baby,’ Ruth said. ‘We’ll love that baby so much, Lilian. We’ll care for it and cuddle it and tell it stories at bedtime. And you can be involved if you want. As much as you want. Or as little.’
I looked at her. My sweet, kind, selfless sister-in-law. Whose heart had been broken and whose eyes had been dull and sad and were now shining with hope.
‘You’d take my baby?’ I said, hardly able to believe what I was hearing. ‘You’d look after it? You’d be its mum and dad?’
Bobby smiled. ‘We’d be honoured,’ he said.
‘But how?’ I said. ‘People would know it was my child.’ I pulled my school dress tight over my swelling stomach. ‘It’s going to be obvious soon.’
Ruth was thinking, drumming her fingers on her leg. ‘I told your mum,’ she said, more to herself than to Bobby and me. ‘I told her I thought I was pregnant a while ago. But I never told her I’d started bleeding because that was when Hitler invaded and your dad started with his crying and that …’
‘So you could tell her you’re expecting,’ I said, seeing where she was going. ‘Instead of me.’
The relief of not having to break my mother’s heart was enormous.
‘But we’d have to go away,’ I carried on. ‘How can we go away? Where on earth would we go?’
Ruth was smiling. ‘My godmother Jemima lives in Scotland, near the border,’ she said. ‘She married a farmer and he died a few years ago. It’s not easy for her, on her own, and she’s had a few troubles of her own. We could go and stay with her. Help her out.’
‘Mum wouldn’t let me go,’ I said.
‘There’s a war on,’ Bobby pointed out. ‘It would be for your own safety. We could say Ruth’s pregnant and I want her to be somewhere safe. And you’re going with her to help.’
‘Mum will want to come.’
‘She can’t leave Dad,’ Bobby said. ‘She can visit when the baby’s born.’
I felt more hopeful than I’d felt for weeks. Could this possibly work?
‘And what about your godmother?’ I said to Ruth. ‘Will she go along with this mad idea?’
Ruth bit her lip. ‘Jemima’s had a difficult time herself,’ she said. ‘I’m not sure what’s gone on with her, but I know she won’t stand by if someone needs help.’
‘Would the baby call you Mum and Dad?’ I said.
Ruth took a breath. ‘I think so,’ she said. ‘We’d be the baby’s parents. If we’re doing this, we need to do it properly. Have us on the birth certificate.’
‘Would you mind?’ Bobby asked gently.
I imagined a little girl, with my dark hair, climbing on to Ruth’s knee and calling her Mamma. I tested how my heart felt about my daughter – or son – calling my brother Daddy. And I discovered I didn’t mind at all. It felt like a gift. A gift they were giving me – to take my baby and bring it up as their own. To love it as they loved me.
I shook my head. ‘I wouldn’t mind at all,’ I said.
‘We need to be fast,’ Ruth pointed out. ‘We can’t stay here for too long.’
Bobby stood up and took a pad and a pencil from the mantelpiece, then he sat down again and started scribbling notes.
‘You go to the post office and send a telegram to Jemima,’ he said to Ruth. ‘I’ll go and find Mother. I’ll tell her you’re poorly, Lil, and that you’re staying here tonight.’
I was pleased; I didn’t want to go home.
‘Once I’ve heard back from Jem, we can tell your parents that I’m pregnant,’ Ruth said. ‘And we can say that it’ll do you good to get away, because you’ve been ill.’
‘What about school?’
‘We can work something out,’ Bobby said.
‘And does she have a piano?’ I asked. ‘Does Jemima have a piano?’
Bobby smiled at me. ‘If she doesn’t, I’m sure you’ll sniff one out somewhere.’ He paused. ‘What shall we tell Mayhew?’
‘He’s been called up,’ I said. ‘He’s going away.’
‘Let’s hope he gets shot,’ Bobby said viciously.
‘Bobby, don’t,’ Ruth said.
‘He won’t care,’ I said, seeing clearly for what seemed to be the first time in well over a year. ‘He doesn’t care about me, and he won’t care about the baby. If anyone tells him we’ve gone, he’ll probably just be relieved. He won’t make any trouble.’
‘Is it settled then?’ Bobby said.
I let my hand drift downwards and rest on my small rounded belly. Then I put my o
ther arm round his waist and rested my head on Ruth’s shoulder.
‘It’s settled,’ I said. ‘You’re going to be the best Mum and Dad this little mite could ever wish for.’
Chapter 23
Helena
June 2018
‘Oh are you a sight for sore eyes,’ Jack said as he opened the door. ‘I’m so pleased to see you.’
I smiled at him, feeling slightly self-conscious. I’d never been to his house before and it felt really intimate.
‘Are you wearing good underwear?’ Elly had asked as I left the office earlier.
‘Elly,’ I’d said, laughing despite myself. ‘I am not going to sleep with him.’
She’d raised her eyebrows at me, not surprisingly. I had, actually, arranged for Dora to stay over at Miranda’s. And I thought I probably would sleep with Jack if the opportunity arose (oh please, let the opportunity arise) but that didn’t mean I wanted to discuss it with Elly.
So, I was wearing good underwear, even though I was just wearing jeans and a casual shirt in a ‘oh, this old thing?’ kind of way.
‘You look great,’ Jack said. ‘I love your shirt.’
‘Oh, this old thing?’ I said, and he laughed.
‘Come on in,’ he said.
Jack lived in a pink-fronted house in a row of pastel-coloured terraces in Notting Hill. It wasn’t big but I thought it probably cost several times what my little house was worth.
‘This is nice,’ I said, taking off my leather jacket and handing it to him. He hung it on a peg, where it fell off again.
‘It’s fine,’ he said. ‘I’m not here very much.’
I bent down to pick up my jacket and hung it up again.
‘Give me a tour?’
‘There’s not much to see,’ he said. ‘But follow me.’
The house had a largish living room with a table at one end, a roomy kitchen extension on the back, and two bedrooms upstairs. Both were so messy it was impossible to tell which room Jack used.
‘I sleep in this one and use the other one for packing and unpacking,’ he said sheepishly, gesturing towards the pile of clothes on the floor. ‘I’m always coming and going.’
‘It must be hard,’ I said sympathetically. ‘Not spending much time at home.’
Jack grinned. ‘I don’t really consider this home. Home is my mum’s house.’
‘That’s sweet,’ I said, feeling a twinge of envy again at his happy family life.
I glanced at the untidy bedroom and quashed my instinct to start picking things up. I couldn’t really imagine having a night of unbridled passion here, despite my lovely underwear.
‘Shall we go downstairs?’ I said, before I began picking up T-shirts.
‘Itching to tidy up?’ Jack said, wrinkling his nose at me.
‘A bit.’
Jack tilted his head and looked at me.
‘Totally,’ I admitted and he laughed again.
‘Let’s go into the kitchen,’ he said. ‘I have a cleaner who keeps that to your standards.’
Thankfully he was right. The kitchen was gleaming – it was obvious he didn’t cook very much. Jack poured some wine and I perched at the breakfast bar while he dug about in a drawer looking for takeaway menus.
‘There’s one place that’s really good,’ he said as a ball of string fell out of the drawer and rolled across the floor. I bent down to retrieve it and wound the loose end round and round.
‘Order online,’ I said. ‘There’s an app.’
‘Brilliant,’ said Jack. ‘Let’s do that.’
He pushed the drawer closed, shoving in all the bits that were poking out, and turned to smile at me. I felt my stomach turn over with a delicious mixture of happiness, laughter and lust. He really was special.
‘You do the order,’ he said. ‘And tell me all about Lil.’
It was a lovely evening. After the food arrived we took our wine into the living room and sat together on the soft sofa, our curry laid out on the coffee table in front of us.
‘Lil went to Scotland with my grandmother, early in the war,’ I explained. ‘A place called Kelso.’
Jack nodded. ‘In the borders?’
‘Have you been?’ I was surprised.
‘No, but I met a girl from there once.’
I felt a tiny twist of envy. ‘Ex-girlfriend?’ I said super casually.
‘Ex make-up artist,’ he said with a smile.
I filled him in on Ruth and Lil moving up north, and my theory that my great-grandfather may have been struggling with the outbreak of another war.
‘Makes sense,’ he said. ‘What’s our next move?’
I smiled at him using ‘our’.
‘I thought I might find out more about Kelso and the airbase that was nearby,’ I said. ‘I did a bit of research and discovered it was called Charterhall. It might have been the reason Lil joined the ATA.’
Jack nodded. ‘She probably watched the planes from where she was living,’ he said.
‘Exactly.’ I took a mouthful of wine. ‘And she probably knew lots of pilots, too.’
Jack raised an eyebrow. ‘Maybe she had a romance with one of them?’
‘Perhaps,’ I said. ‘But she was only just sixteen.’
‘Oh come on. I bet you had romances when you were sixteen.’
I made a face. ‘No, I didn’t,’ I admitted. ‘But I was a bit of an oddball. Immy definitely had boyfriends when she was that age, and so did Miranda.’
‘Then it’s not an outlandish suggestion,’ Jack said, a touch of triumph in his voice. ‘Would your dad remember? How old was he?’
I shook my head. ‘He was born in Kelso, actually,’ I told him. ‘I thought that might have been another reason for Lilian to have gone with my grandmother – to help with the baby.’
‘Your grandfather had signed up?’
I nodded. ‘I still think it’s odd,’ I said. ‘To go so far away, when my grandmother – Ruth – would have had all sorts of support in Kent.’
‘I think you should ask your dad,’ Jack said, offering me the last piece of naan.
I shook my head no – both for the bread, and for asking Dad. ‘He was a baby,’ I said. ‘He won’t remember.’
‘But did they stay there for the whole war? If so, he’d have been a little boy when they left. He’s bound to remember some things. Maybe he can shed some light on why they moved up there.’
I felt silly. ‘I can’t believe I don’t know these things,’ I said. ‘I don’t know if Dad was in Scotland for the whole war, and I don’t know what he remembers.’
I thought for a minute. ‘I’ve seen a photo of him as a baby in a terrifying-looking gas mask that covered his whole body,’ I said. ‘And he’s talked about how, because he was in the country, they weren’t really bothered by the bombs too much. I’ve always assumed that was in Kent but it could just have easily been in Kelso.’
‘You should ask him,’ Jack said. ‘I bet he’ll surprise you with how much he remembers. And he’ll be keen to help you, presumably, given how you’re doing all this for him.’
I winced, remembering something. ‘Fliss called me in to her office,’ I said. ‘She said she was worried I was doing too much and she could help out.’
‘That’s nice of her,’ Jack said.
‘Hmm.’ I made a face. ‘Not sure.’
‘You think she’s got wind of what you’re doing?’
‘I don’t see how, but I need to be a bit careful,’ I said. ‘More work in work time, and less personal stuff. I need to keep her away from checking on what I’m researching.’
‘Sounds like a plan,’ Jack said. ‘Though surely you wouldn’t get into much trouble, even if she did know what you were doing?’
I wasn’t sure. I said as much, then changed the subject. ‘What do you remember?’ I asked him. ‘About when you were little?’
‘We lived in Manchester for a while when I was about four,’ Jack said. ‘Not for long according to Mum but to me it felt like forever.
She was working on a soap – Rosamund Street – then. It was a big break for her writing career and she wasn’t going to let being a single mum stop her.’
‘She took you with her?’
He smiled. ‘I remember my grandma saying she’d look after me and I was worried about that because Grandma made me eat peas and I hated peas,’ he said. ‘So I was pleased I could go with Mum. We stayed in a house near a canal and I went to work with her every day and watched them filming.’
‘Amazing,’ I said. ‘No wonder you’re an actor – you’ve been learning your craft for thirty years.’
‘I was young,’ Jack said. ‘Really small, because I’d not started school yet. Younger than your dad was when the war ended. And I remember all sorts from back then.’
I nodded thoughtfully. ‘You’re right,’ I said. ‘I should speak to Dad. See whether he remembers living in Scotland.’
‘Can I come?’ Jack said. ‘When you ask him? Will it be at one of your family dinners?’
I blinked at him. ‘Probably,’ I said. ‘I see a lot of my family but we really only get a chance to properly chat at our dinners.’
‘So can I come?’ he said. ‘This Friday?’
‘They’re boring,’ I said. ‘Just Miranda nagging Mum about money, and Dad whingeing about the film industry.’
‘I can whinge about the film industry,’ Jack said eagerly. ‘And I’d like to meet your dad anyway – I loved the music on Mackenzie.’
I sighed. ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘But I still don’t really understand what the appeal is.’
Jack turned to me and took my glass of wine from my hand. ‘Helena,’ he said patiently. ‘It’s you.’
‘What’s me?’
‘You’re the appeal.’
He took one of my hands in his, and with the other he gently pushed my hair back from my face. My skin fizzled at his touch.
‘I think you’re wonderful,’ he said. ‘And I want to know all about you. I want to meet Dora properly – when she’s awake. I want to meet your parents and your siblings and I am desperate to meet Lil. I want to spend lots and lots of time with you and if that means coming to a family dinner, then I’m in.’
The Hidden Women Page 13