Miranda nodded slowly. ‘I suppose,’ she said. ‘Just don’t upset her.’
I gathered up the papers, pleased to have got to the bottom of it all. ‘I won’t,’ I said. ‘I’ll congratulate her. Tell her what an inspiration she is. How brave she was. I’m sure she’ll realise it’s a good thing that we know … oh …’
I stopped and Miranda looked at me.
‘What?’ she said.
‘I suppose we should tell Dad first.’
Chapter 33
I left Dora sleeping at Miranda’s and walked round to my parents’ house, clutching all the court transcripts to my chest.
Mum and Dad were pleased to see me, as they always were.
‘I’ve got the documents,’ I told Dad as I went into the lounge.
He turned off Only Connect, and turned to look at me in surprise.
‘The court documents?’ he said. ‘But I thought …’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘And I meant it. Elly at work requested them accidentally – and then I couldn’t help but look at them.’
Mum and Dad both looked up at me, nervous and hopeful.
‘Does it prove anything?’ Mum said. She took Dad’s hand and squeezed it. ‘Does it prove that Lil is Robert’s biological mother?’
‘Not exactly,’ I said. ‘Have a read.’
I waited for them to find their reading glasses. Mum found hers in Dad’s pocket, and Dad found his perched on top of his head. Then infuriatingly slowly, they read through the documents. Mum read them twice, pointing out parts to Dad for him to reread. Finally, as I was about to scream with impatience, they were finished.
‘Nothing,’ said Dad, with a sigh.
‘What?’ I said. ‘That’s not nothing.’
Mum’s eyes were bright with tears. ‘What a woman,’ she said, just as Miranda and I had done. ‘Knowing Lil as we do, it seems obvious to me that she was covering up for a whole crowd.’
‘Amazing, isn’t it?’ I said. ‘If it all happened as we think.’
‘Incredible,’ Mum agreed.
‘I remember when I told her I was having Dora,’ I said. ‘I went down to see her and I cried. I was in bits, do you remember?’
Mum nodded. ‘Of course,’ she said.
‘I told her I was pregnant first and she was so pleased,’ I said. ‘And then I started to cry and I told her Greg wasn’t happy, that he didn’t want to have a baby, and that I was pretty sure I was going to end up doing it alone. And she was so angry – I could see it in her face.
‘But then she took my hand, and she said that whatever I decided to do would be for the best. She said she would be there to support me whatever I decided.’ I was welling up just thinking about it. ‘I think she was doing what she’d done all those years ago,’ I said. ‘Doing it for me this time.’
Mum gave me a hug. ‘She’s wonderful,’ she said.
‘But there’s nothing,’ Dad interrupted, leafing through the documents once more. ‘No mention of any baby.’
‘There are lots of mentions of babies,’ I said, wryly. ‘Just not the one we expected.’
‘I honestly thought the discharge would have been because she’d had a baby,’ Dad said, looking confused. ‘But this is a whole other level.’
‘I’ve got an idea,’ I said.
Dad looked at me expectantly.
‘I think – Miranda agrees – that while this doesn’t give us any concrete proof that Lil is your biological mother, it does sort of back it up.’
Mum was nodding. ‘It does, Robert, do you see? Lil was helping other women the way she was helped.’
‘Exactly that,’ I said.
‘I see,’ Dad said. ‘I do see. But I just thought that this would prove one way or another if she was my real mother, and I could put the whole thing to bed.’
I shook my head. ‘Dad, I’m so sorry, but without Lil’s name on the birth certificate, I’m fairly sure there won’t be any proof. Nothing written down, anyway. As far as documentation is concerned, your parents were Ruth and Bobby.’
Dad looked glum.
‘You know what I’m going to say?’ I said, softly. ‘If you’re determined to know one way or another, then the only way to find out is to talk to Lil.’
Dad pushed his glasses up on to the top of his head and sighed. ‘I know,’ he said. ‘You’re absolutely right. I just really, really don’t want to have the conversation.’
‘It won’t be easy,’ I said. ‘You’ll have to decide whether your desire to know outweighs your desire not to talk about it.’
‘I’m very worried that I might be wrong,’ he admitted.
‘You could be,’ I said. ‘We’ve got no proof.’
‘Imagine if I bowled in there, all guns blazing, and told her I’m her son,’ Dad said. ‘And she looks at me, completely bewildered, and says no I’m not?’
‘She could, you know,’ I said. ‘That could happen.’
‘And how would she feel then?’ Dad said. ‘I’d have unsettled her, and probably upset her, and dragged her good name through the mud …’
‘Hardly,’ Mum snorted. ‘It’s not the 1940s now, you know.’
Dad ignored her. ‘And worst of all, I feel the whole time I’m wondering about this, I’m somehow dishonouring my parents,’ he said.
‘I understand.’ I patted him on the hand.
‘Lil adored my father,’ Dad went on. ‘And my mother – oh she thought the world of my mother. So if I feel like I’m dishonouring them just by thinking these things, what will Lil say?’
‘Dad,’ I said. ‘You need to calm down.’
‘I know,’ he said, gripping Mum’s hand tightly. ‘It’s just such a … what’s that word Imogen always uses? Headfuck. It’s such a headfuck.’
I blinked in surprise. ‘It’s definitely that,’ I said, chuckling at his choice of words. ‘Listen, Jack was telling me about his father and stepfather the other day and he said something I think might help you.’
‘I said that I’d always thought blood was thicker than water, and he said I was wrong. He said he would have liked to have known his father but he doesn’t have a gap in his heart where he should have been because he has a wonderful mother, and a loving stepdad.’
Dad nodded.
‘He said that biology doesn’t matter, it’s really just about love.’
‘He’s right,’ Mum said. ‘And haven’t I told you that myself when you’ve been fretting about Greg?’
I smiled. She had told me. Many times.
‘Finding out the truth won’t change the way you felt about your parents,’ I said. ‘And it won’t stop them being your parents. Bobby will always be your dad, and Ruth will always be your mum. And Lil’s your auntie. Your favourite auntie. And if it turns out she gave birth to you, then so much the better. Because she’s your favourite auntie, and your biological mum. But it won’t stop Ruth being your mother. How could it?’
‘Goodness,’ said Dad. ‘When did you get to be so wise about family secrets?’
‘Dad,’ I said witheringly. ‘It’s literally my job.’
He smiled. ‘So it is.’
‘I understand that you want to know the truth,’ I said. ‘And I still think you should talk to Lil. But don’t feel guilty about it. And don’t expect her to suddenly become a mum to you, because that won’t happen either.’
‘I’m almost eighty,’ Dad said. ‘I don’t need a mum.’
‘Everyone needs a mum,’ I said. ‘But have a think about whether you’re going to speak to her.’ I stood up. ‘I need to go and get Dora from Miranda’s. I’m going to see Lil this weekend – I really want to talk to her about these documents. I won’t mention anything to do with you, Dad. Not yet.’
‘Be careful, Nell,’ Mum said. ‘She didn’t want us to know, remember? Just be a bit cautious.’
‘I will,’ I said. ‘I’ll tread carefully.’
Chapter 34
Lilian
July 1944
‘I’m the pilot,’ I
told the ground crew, unsmiling, as I signed the papers they handed me. I ignored the smirk the mechanic gave his mate and checked my watch. I had to be quick. I’d taken off much later than I’d hoped, thanks to a fog that had rolled in this morning and taken ages to clear, which hadn’t helped the dark mood that I’d been struggling with since Mr Mayhew had turned up. I felt strange, having seen him. Like a chain had been broken – and I was free. But despite knowing he’d never try to find Robert, or – I hoped – contact me again now, I still felt a sense of loss and I thought perhaps we’d always be linked. It was an odd feeling; it had plunged me into a kind of gloom and the horrible flight had added to my woes.
When I’d been flying, I’d heard a strange thud in the back of the plane and almost considered turning round to check, but in the end I’d decided it must have been a bird, and carried on. I knew there was a woman waiting for me. She was meeting me in the nearby town and she’d have already been waiting for an hour. I just hoped she’d still be there.
Papers dealt with, I hurried down the side of the mess hut. I had four hours before I had to take another plane back. More than enough time to get into town and meet the woman.
‘Thought I’d take a look round,’ I said casually to the chap in the security office. ‘Can I get a bus into town?’
‘Jeff will take you,’ he said, tilting his head in the direction of a grocer’s van parked close to the entrance to the base. A man was loading empty crates in the back. ‘Room for a little one, Jeff?’
Jeff gave me a broad, toothless smile. ‘Jump in,’ he said and I climbed into the passenger seat.
It was a short trip to the town centre, and I was grateful for the lift that meant I’d reach my contact faster. Though the journey felt longer thanks to Jeff’s questions about which planes I could fly.
‘Spitfires, yes,’ I said, nodding and staring out of the window.
‘And bombers?’
‘All the bombers,’ I said.
‘Never Lancasters?’
‘I’ve not flown many, but I’m cleared for them,’ I said.
‘Lancasters? Really? A little lass like you?’
I smiled at him letting his words wash over me. ‘Is this the town centre?’ I asked. ‘Can I jump out here?’
Jeff pulled up at the kerb and I thanked him and climbed out, leaving him shaking his head and muttering ‘never Lancasters’ as I looked round to see where we were meeting.
Under the clock, had been my instruction, and straight ahead of me was a church with a tall clock tower. Beneath it was a bench, and sitting on the bench was a young woman, about my own age, looking pale and worried.
Forcing myself not to run and draw attention to us, I strolled over. ‘Mary?’ I asked.
I startled the woman, who was lost in her thoughts. She jumped and gasped. ‘Oh, Lilian?’
I nodded and she stood up and threw her arms round me.
‘I thought you weren’t coming,’ she said. ‘Thank God.’
‘Shall we walk?’ I asked her. ‘It’s easier to talk.’
She looped her hand through my arm. ‘We can go into the churchyard,’ she said. ‘It’s quiet.’
We strolled through the gates together. I thought we would look like two friends chatting, should anyone pay attention to us. In my experience, no one really noticed anything – they were all too worried about themselves to pay attention to anyone else.
‘I bet you hear all sorts of stories,’ Mary said as we walked.
I shrugged. ‘You don’t have to tell me anything,’ I assured her. ‘I’m not here to judge you.’
‘I was stupid,’ she said. ‘Believed the things he was telling me. Thought he loved me. Same old story.’
I snorted. ‘We’ve all been there.’
Mary groaned. ‘And oh God, he was so handsome, Lilian. Dark skin, amazing accent …’
‘GI?’ I said, interested.
She nodded. ‘Gone now, of course.’
‘Killed?’ I gasped.
‘Nah, well maybe, I suppose. But gone into Europe somewhere. Probably chatting up all those French girls with that accent.’
Mary steered me round the side of the large church. ‘And he left me a reminder of our night together, didn’t he?’
I nodded. ‘There’s a woman, in Lincoln,’ I said. Lincoln was only a few miles from where we were. ‘She’s a nurse. I’ve not met her, but my friend has. Her name is Lizzie Wells and she’s expecting you on Monday.’
Mary stared straight ahead. ‘Monday?’ she said. ‘Right.’
‘You work in a factory?’
She nodded.
‘Parachutes,’ she said.
‘You’ll need time off. Can you say you’re sick?’
‘How long?’
A picture of Emily wrapped in her bloodied sheets flashed into my mind and I pushed it away. ‘A week, probably,’ I said. ‘You’ll have to play it by ear.’
Mary looked horrified. ‘What should I say?’
‘Something infectious is best, then they’ll leave you alone. Dicky tummy?’
Mary nodded again. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘That’s fine. My friend Elaine knows what’s happening. She can cover for me.’
I opened my bag and took out a sheet of paper.
‘This is Lizzie’s address, and all the details you’ll need,’ I said, handing it over. ‘Don’t contact her before or after. If anything goes wrong, send me a telegram. My details are on there too. Don’t keep the paper. Read it now, memorise it, and then rip it up, and chuck it. And it might be best to get yourself a cheap wedding ring beforehand. Just in case.’
‘In case?’
‘Sometimes there’s bleeding,’ I said, carefully. I wanted her to know the risks, but I didn’t want to scare her. ‘And if you need to go to the doctor you’re going to want to give them a false name. Say it’s a miscarriage.’
Mary bit her lip. ‘Will it hurt?’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t know,’ I said honestly. ‘You don’t have to do it, you know. You can change your mind any time.’
‘I won’t change my mind,’ Mary said. ‘I can’t have a baby. I don’t want a baby. And I definitely don’t want this baby.’
I gripped her hand and smiled at her. She was very pretty, with shining red hair and perfect make-up.
‘Good luck,’ I said. ‘When … when it’s all done and you’re back at work, could you drop me a letter and let me know how you are?’
‘Course,’ she said. She smiled. ‘Why do you do this? Risking your own neck to save other people?’
‘I had a baby,’ I said honestly. ‘And I didn’t want a baby either. And someone helped me.’
Mary’s blue eyes searched my face. ‘You’re young,’ she said. ‘Who helped you?’
‘My sister-in-law.’
‘And the baby?’
‘She’s his mum now.’
‘Happy?’
‘He’s very happy.’
Mary laughed. ‘I meant you. What about you? Are you happy?’
I thought about it for a minute. Back when I’d realised I was expecting Robert, I’d thought I would never be happy again. But now I was. Not all the time. There was a sadness inside me that I sometimes thought might be there forever. And sometimes – like when Mr Mayhew turned up at base last week – that sadness was nearer the surface. But sometimes, when I was flying, or when I was laughing with Annie and Flora, or when I was watching Ruth playing with Robert, I was happy. No question.
‘I’m happy sometimes,’ I said. ‘As long as I keep moving.’
‘I’m glad.’
We’d walked all the way round the church now and reached the gates again. Together we strolled back out into the town square and Mary turned to face me. ‘I owe you,’ she said.
‘Pay Lizzie, not me.’
She laughed again. She had a nice laugh, low and melodic, and I was glad she was still finding things funny despite her predicament.
‘I meant I owe you metaphorically,’ she said.
/> I waved my hand. ‘We all help each other,’ I said. ‘Just make sure you’re there for someone else one day.’
Mary leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the cheek. ‘Goodbye, Lilian,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’
‘Bye, Mary. Good luck.’
I turned and walked away without looking back. I hoped she was going to be all right.
Chapter 35
Helena
July 2018
I looked round my bedroom in despair. Jack’s T-shirt was slung across my dressing table. It had knocked over the pot I kept my make-up brushes in and they’d spilled on to the floor. One of my pillows was squished down the side of the headboard, and the framed print from an Audrey Hepburn exhibition that hung on my wall was wonky. It looked like Jack and I had spent the night in the throes of passion, throwing our clothes off and shaking the walls. In actual fact, I’d been watching an old episode of Gilmore Girls and picking at some pasta, when he’d rung from a cab.
‘I’ve landed and I’m jet-lagged and fed up and I miss you,’ he said. ‘Can I come over? I promise I’ll leave before Dora wakes up in the morning.’
‘Now?’ I’d said in horror, glancing at my beautifully tidy flat. ‘You want to come here?’
‘I don’t want to go back to my house,’ he wailed. ‘Because you’re not there.’
How could I resist?
Jack had pulled up outside about forty-five minutes later, hanging with fatigue. He’d been doing another guest appearance on the US show and he’d had to squeeze it in between filming started for the new series of Mackenzie back here.
He’d kissed me, glanced at the TV screen and commented that he’d ‘met her once in LA’ and she was ‘really, really nice’ – I had no idea which of the actresses on screen he meant – then he’d curled up with his head on my lap and gone to sleep. When I woke him up to get him to come upstairs to bed, he’d peeled off his clothes and crawled under the duvet without a word – which is when the whole T-shirt/make-up brushes thing must have happened.
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