Civilization- Barbarians

by Tim Underwood

  “Of course I do. I could never keep living my life after such a chance, as though nothing had happened, and I never got the offer.”

  “You are being obtuse. You shall do approximately that, for you are both. You are the you on this bed, and if you come with me, you are also the you who shall enter the system. No matter what, there will be a you who continues this current life. I cannot take you without your will. You would not serve my purposes then, we would have no chance to one day be true friends — and that is who I wish you to be, a true friend and a true peer.” There was a long pause, and then the creature pointed at my soaked pajamas as he made his choking laugh again and the eyes bulged out. “At present you are merely a true pee-er.”

  “Yes…” I wanted to strangle the dinosaur, but I was still much too relaxed to bother getting up to do so.

  “I made another joke!”

  “Why me?” It was half a query about why was he making this offer to me. And it was half a query about why the fuck I was having a dream like this.

  “Ah, yes. A natural question. You have the skills needed, you are without deep attachments to others in this world, yet you are capable of forming deep attachments, and… well you are an experiment. I am committing a fraction of my people, those who survive, to your care. But I must trust someone, and I have not limitless resources to find them. The people of your world have reached a point in your development that you can enter the great game, and do well for yourself — but never forget, the game is real. This is a true life. Those who you move as game pieces are people just as you. Do you choose?”

  “I’m in. Just sign me up.”

  “Are you certain… this is not… ah, there are downsides to the life you will lead as a spirit — I cannot bring you to this until you have read the entire ah, EULA[1].”

  “Really? — you know that nobody ever reads those things. When can I start!”

  “Are you saying that you have reviewed the metaphorical EULA and are willing to accept all involved conditions?”

  “I’ll be living in a real 4X game, right?”

  “Yes, yes you will.”

  “Then hell yeah.”

  There was something sinister about the grin of the creature as he rubbed his scaly hands together. “Excellent.” He placed one claw on my forehead. He grinned at me and said, “This will only hurt a little—”

  Chapter Two

  I felt nothing.

  I did not see dark. Dark is still seeing. I saw nothing, which is less.

  I cannot really describe my experience for that period of time — I have no notion how long it was. A minute? A year? A thousand years?

  It could have been a million. I’d read a few weeks before that some scientist had done a study which proved that people — or at least white college students, you know how all studies are conducted with the same group of students who are willing to spend an afternoon answering bizarre questions for $20 — have an innate time sense. They were able to tell to within a few seconds when five minutes had passed.

  I had no senses in this place, so I could not perceive time’s passage.

  I had never believed in souls, but that is what I was now — for what else can a consciousness stripped of every sense except its awareness of self be, but a soul?

  Panic.

  A disembodied panic, the more terrifying for I had no stomach to feel knots, no heart to race, no pain in my chest, no disorientation in my head, no goosebumps. No scent. Nothing.

  Nothing.

  An existential wrongness.

  At last. After eternity. After an instant. Something.

  It was not floating in front of me, it was my entire consciousness. A bluish menu screen, and in gold letters on the lower right corner: City Spirit interface v2.13

  The center of the screen read, Enter the City Spirit’s name:

  A cursor blinked, waiting for me to type. Blinking, blinking, blinking.

  I had no fingers to type with.

  Perhaps it was voice controlled. I tried to speak my name.

  I had no vocal cords to dictate with.

  He has taken his revenge, for I have no mouth, and I must speak a silly name.

  And suddenly I understood, without understanding how I understood.

  Letters appeared on the display, my traditional user ID. I now understood how to use my will to indicate acceptance, but then I paused.

  What name should I choose. What name really should I choose? An old joke came to mind, “I am Cuddles, Destroyer of Worlds!”

  The words Cuddles the Destroyer filled the display that was my entire consciousness.

  Why not?

  Does the Godling choose to be known forever more as Cuddles the Destroyer?

  Note: Should the Godling wish to change their name in the future, there are ways, but they are difficult and roundabout. Are you sure you want to be known until such time as you discover those ways, as Cuddles the Destroyer?

  I had an odd impression I was being mocked

  Fuck the system.

  And more importantly, cuddles were awesome. Why I once had a stuffed animal who I would fondly cuddle with well into my twenties — and then there was my old girlfriend — sweet and cuddly, but when I really annoyed her, the look in her eyes: Cuddles, the Destroyer.

  A menu blossomed around me: Choose the traits of Cuddles the Destroyer.

  Each governing spirit has his own abilities and advantages that give those under his rule particular unique bonuses. These are entirely separate from the racial or cultural benefits which his people may have. Over time, as a spirit grows stronger and accumulates more power from the devotion of those under his rule, and from the size of his holdings, the bonuses that he provides will grow stronger — however at the same time, as the empire itself grows, what benefits he distributes must be shared among a larger population, reducing their impact.

  This can make it both very hard to expand beyond a few cities, and make it exceedingly difficult for an old and well established spirit to be overthrown.

  Do you want to choose a custom build?

  Everyone knows that you don’t use the default options when you want to become as powerful as possible. Though it often was more fun to hobble yourself so that you weren’t too powerful, or to pick the most useless benefits and still win anyway. But in this case I obviously didn’t want to do anything of the sort. I needed to give myself every chance to succeed and grow.

  The problem was that I needed to choose all of the traits I’d take without the chance to rechoose later. Always when you tried something new, you would make mistakes. I needed some design that would be robust against such mistakes.

  I needed a help function, or guides, or something.

  I tried to communicate by wondering if there was any advice the spirit could give.

  You should choose the default option presented. It has neither advantages, nor disadvantages, and lets you cope in any situation. You do want to cope in any situation, right?

  Fuck that.

  I carefully studied the list of options.

  Over time you shall be able to unlock additional bonuses and additional levels of these bonuses as you become a more powerful godling.

  Agriculture: You adore the feel of dirt between your fingers and the mechanical smell of over-filtered air in corporate biolabs genetically modifying plants into new abominations that ought never have existed.

  Science: You have stared long into the abyss, and the abyss has stared back into you, whispering of its eternal mysteries. The beloved attribute of geeks everywhere. If you don’t get axe rushed, you think this will help you the most. But will it?

  Combat: Blood and iron and nukes. You love killing things and celebrating your victory seated on a throne of bones built atop a pyramid of skulls. You are a bad man. Very bad.

  Building: You just like seeing unnatural piles grow where once there were trees and grass blowing in the wind. Whether it be a grand wonder of the world, or a pedestrian collection of huts, you love being
woken by the sound of hammers hammering and drills drilling at 6 am on a Sunday.

  Trade: There is a sucker born every minute, and you want to enter into a mutually beneficial economic exchange with every one of them.

  Devotion: You expect to be worshiped. You love that feel of the prayers of your minions strengthening your power and letting you grow greater. But will you use the power granted by their adoration and love to benefit your tribe, or yourself?

  Culture: Art? What is it good for? You probably shouldn’t take this one. The whole axe rushing thing.

  Population Growth: You like to watch your people fuck. Without protection. Pervert. You should feel ashamed of yourself.

  The system was definitely mocking me.

  Now how to power game this?

  The defaults gave a x1.1 bonus to everything over what the race gained naturally.

  So would every group have the same racial bonuses, or was it like Stellaris where you chose both the government orientation and the race of the group you lead.

  As I wondered, a new popup appeared before my consciousness:

  You have been chosen to lead the contemplative and long lived spirit elves. Because of their great life spans they have given themselves over to the contemplation of deep realities, giving them a mystical streak that allows them to easily commune with and understand the will of their ruling spirit. They yearn to divine the divine mysteries of the divine.

  In other words they are the sorts of religious nutjobs you couldn’t stand after you got over your “arguing with people for fun” phase. But since you are going to be their God, it isn’t so bad. Also, they are hippies: They get bigger luxury bonuses from drugs, and they dislike building things, and they sometimes live in treehouses. They are of average skill as farmers, but their slight build gives them a severe disadvantage in combat. Further they disdain worldly things and as a result are easily cheated in matters of trade.

  Note: The bonuses of the Godling interact multiplicatively with the bonuses of his people, but they also are split amongst the people provided. The Godling can choose who, amongst those who are his subjects, to place his bonuses upon, so that those receive a stronger bonus by the power of the Godling being distributed less. Over time as the Godling becomes more powerful, he will have enough power to distribute his bonuses to an increasingly large number of subjects.

  Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm.

  I was being mocked by someone who could read all of my memories. At least the burns weren’t very harsh.

  Would this be like Master of Orion where I would eventually guide a vast civilization with perhaps dozens of races and cultures, or would only the first group I rule be under my control?

  I didn’t want to optimize my plans and bonuses for a race of pansy tree dwellers who couldn’t fight and didn’t like building things, only for most of my subjects to be from a warrior race who we’d conquered or convinced to join peacefully.

  Damn.

  There was so much I didn’t know, and that I couldn’t come to know. I had to choose what bonuses to take, without knowing how they would affect my position in the long term.

  Was it possible to change the attributes later?

  Once a guiding spirit reaches a high enough level, the sacrifice of a large amount of spiritual energy, and the destruction of your prophet will allow a spirit to change their very nature, taking on new bonuses and abandoning others upon returning to this screen. You won’t want to make the sacrifice. Trust me.

  I let out a deep, and entirely metaphorical sigh. No lungs, remember. Just a detached consciousness experiencing this screen.

  I could be in a worse situation, I supposed.

  So I didn’t become permanently locked in to the traits I chose now. It would no doubt be expensive and not very much fun to make the change, but if I had a successful and strong start I could rule a much greater kingdom, and then switching would be like double classing in an rpg that allowed you to do that. The benefits of having optimized for early growth and survival could be combined with the power playing for a later game when I knew what I was doing.

  But I still didn’t know what powers to get right now.

  I stared at the screen for a long time. Matching my mood, a ticking clock appeared in the lower left hand corner of the screen. And then, when I still didn’t choose after another few minutes of thinking — damn, I wished I could just pace — the Jeopardy theme began to play.

  The option which pulled at me strongest was to emphasize the traits of the group I had: Devotion. Which would require a reclass later on. I mean the religion path never was a good approach for winning the game in Civ. It just provided a few cute bonuses you could use, and a bit of flavor. So in this supposedly real “game”, what did devotion do for me? What benefits could I get from being “worshipped” by these hippie elves? Would boosting it help me survive the early stages?

  The help system gave me a popup which explained things, sort of.

  You are a higher being. You come from Los Angeles, the self-proclaimed center of the universe. Hollywood, movie stars, and air pollution and traffic have hardened your soul. If you can communicate with your people, no doubt they will learn things that are of great value. Right? Right? Also your ability to experience the world requires spiritual energy. You can place blessings on your followers with spiritual energy that allow them to fight better, think faster, and learn quicker. Also it will keep your hippie elves from being completely miserable while they build giant stone temples for you, since a connection with you makes them happy because they are so spiritual. There are lots of tricky little tricks you may stumble upon if you are clever and willing to experiment that use spiritual energy. It is a core resource. Just emphasize this, since you aren’t going to be boring and smart and just take the default settings.

  Oooookay.

  So it was either devotion, because that was what the system thought I should take, or culture, because fuck the system.

  And I didn’t want to take culture. Art. Art, what is art good for?

  So I selected devotion.

  Next, I was given a list of secondary traits to choose, I could pick only one. The first I saw was:

  Improvisation: You like to laugh as your people try things which fail. Unfortunately having them try lots of things that fail means they occasionally succeed and find unexpected ways to use the resources around them. They will be able to find ways around resource bottlenecks, they will be able to jury rig solutions to problems, and they may get access to technologies that other civilizations just don’t notice. All because you wanted a cheap laugh at their expense.

  That sounded really good.

  I nearly selected it without looking through any of the others. But I suspected that I had if not literally infinite time, then almost literally infinite time. It would be stupid to choose without taking the time to consider. I paused.

  I wanted to be able to stand up and pace for a half hour, the way I always did when I needed to think. Here I could not even lean back and close my eyes.

  I tried imagining doing so, but it did not work. My only sensation was still the rectangle image of the loading screen, with a sharp edge around which there was not even blackness, but simple nothingness. I could not take in a deep breath. No breaths at all.

  I wasn’t able to breathe.

  And I could not even panic, because the feedbacks were not there.

  No. No. No.

  How long was I going to live like this? How long? Was this forever? Eternal?

  No sounds, except my own thoughts bouncing. All other sounds were completely gone. Like there was not even darkness past the edges of the screen, there was not even silence. Silence is still the ears paying attention to the external world, and signals being transmitted to your brain telling you that none of those pressure waves that indicate something happening elsewhere are passing through the air to hit your ears.

  Fuck, I really should have read the whole EULA.

  No wonder Amzlat had laughed at me when I said I
didn’t want to bother. I mean what sort of idiot agrees to have his consciousness transferred into an entirely new universe without reading all the documentation, twice, backwards, forwards and upside down?

  Me. It’s me.

  The screen stood in front of me and I forced myself to just focus on a featureless vivid purple spot in the edge of it.

  Meditation, I was never any good at meditating, but if I was going to be a spiritual guide who specialized in being worshipped, maybe I should learn.

  Focus. Focus. Every time the mind slipped back to the existential weird wrongness, focus on the blank purple.

  To my surprise, this worked.

  Over the next period of time, again a period whose length I could not measure, my mind calmed and became clear.

  And echoing up from some location in my subconscious was a decision that I was not going to take improvisation as my secondary trait. A memory of my own burnt flesh, and the fact that despite my bad luck, and whatever the ethics of the matter had been, their walls and violent responses to attacks had made Israel enormously safer.

  I now found the trait I actually wanted:

  Protectiveness: You like building walls. You like sending out patrols to look for armies sweeping in. You like figuring out technologies that will discourage people from attacking. You like using nukes for deterrence, but not for conquest. You hate to start wars, and never are willing to risk everything on the chance of conquering the endless vast expanses. No warmongering for you. Your people will fight harder, keep morale higher, build walls faster, and be generally more enthusiastic when they are on the defense. They also will hate it, their armies will break easily, and they will just generally complain a lot if you go off to try to conquer anyone. Better do the early land grabs right.

  Protectiveness was generally considered one of the worst leader traits in Civ 4. But will it be here?