Then I convinced myself that I didn’t love him. I mean, I loved him as a friend but that was it. I wasn’t in love with him. I told myself it was nothing more than a silly childhood crush, and that’s when I decided to go to school in South Carolina. I needed to be away from him and away from my feelings toward him. I told myself distance would do us some good, that I’d be able to meet new guys and move on. It took almost a whole year before I hooked up with someone else. To me, that was giving up. I was giving up hope that Carson and I would ever be together. I convinced myself that coming home would be no different. I wanted him, but it was more of a way of working him out of my system. He was an award that I wanted so bad I could taste. I just needed to sleep with him.
But seeing him again, it’s bringing back all those old feelings. I’m so confused. I don’t know if I’m in love with him or if being back here is just making me feel that way. But I know one thing, I want him. At least for one night, and I won’t stop until I get it because now I know he wants it too.
I help Mom clean up breakfast and I head back to my room to get ready for the day. When I get to my room, I grab my phone and move to the vanity to fix my hair and makeup. I’m searching through YouTube for something to watch or listen to while I get ready and a text comes in.
Carson: Good morning, sweetheart.
Ugh. Sweetheart? Really? After last night?
Felicity: Who you calling sweetheart?
I put the phone down and grab my moisturizer to slather on my face. This cold air is sucking all the moisture out of my skin already. I’m waiting for a text, but it rings instead. I answer it and put it on speakerphone so my hands stay free.
“Hello?”
“Are you mad at me?” Carson asks.
“Hmmmm, why would I be mad at you? It couldn’t be because you promised me a good time and ended up bringing me home at ten thirty, could it? It couldn’t be because you got my hopes up and then brought me home, right? Or it couldn’t be those texts you sent last night?” I lean down to the phone and whisper, “That isn’t cool, Carson. I can’t take care of business with my mother sleeping across the hall.”
He busts out laughing. “What do you mean, take care of business?”
“Let’s just say that there is a wet spot on my sheet that I’m hoping dries soon or this will be a weird topic on laundry day.”
That makes him laugh harder and that sound causes goosebumps to prickle my skin.
“I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to tease you.”
“Yes, you did,” I point out.
“Okay, I did, but it was only fair. I could say I have sticky sheets right now, but I won’t get into it.”
I giggle. Good, at least I wasn’t the only one who was fired up last night.
“What are you doing today? I need out of this house.” he says, sounding annoyed by being there already.
I shrug. “No plans. What do you want to do?”
“Well, the ice rink is up in the town square if you want to go. We can skate, get some hot chocolate…”
“Oh, carriage ride!”
I can hear his smile when he says, “Meet me outside in twenty.”
Getting ready gets kicked into overdrive and I’m walking outside twenty minutes later, bundled up in a coat, scarf, hat, and gloves. The snow crunches as I walk across the yard to his waiting car with him leaning against the passenger side door like he’s in a John Hugh film. The car is already running, thick white exhaust coming out the back.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” he says, standing upright and pulling me in for a hug. After last night, it feels too personal, but I enjoy his heat nonetheless.
“Damn, you smell good,” he says into my hair.
I’m still in his arms but I look up at his blue eyes shining in the sun. “You do too.”
Our eyes meet and he smiles. Something is being exchanged. It feels like he’s about to kiss me. His tongue comes out and wets his lips as his head dips forward, but at the last minute, he changes his mind and pulls away.
“We should get going,” he says, opening the door for me.
It feels like I’ve just been drenched in ice cold water, but I tuck my tail between my legs and climb into the car. He closes the door and rushes around to get behind the wheel. He takes his seat, pulls on his seat belt, and shifts into gear. We slowly start moving forward.
“Why do you do that?” I ask, looking out the passenger window instead of at him. I’m afraid he will see the hurt on my face.
“Do what?”
“Stop yourself like that,” I say, finally turning to look at him.
“You noticed that, did you?” he says, turning to look away from me this time.
I don’t respond.
He wets his lips and takes a deep breath. “Have you ever wanted something so bad, something you can’t have?”
I roll my eyes but play along. “I remember once, my mom made this whole batch of cookies for a bake sale and she wouldn’t let me have any.”
“Do you remember how bad the torture was? Having to look at the cookies? Having to smell them? Having to pick them up and place them into a container to be taken to someone else?”
“Yes.”
“Now you know how I feel.”
“That’s different. I wasn’t allowed to have the cookies. There is nobody here stopping you but you.”
“But it’s still the same. You couldn’t have the cookies because they weren’t meant for you. I can’t have you because you’re all I have. It’s like having a brand-new toy that you’ve been dying to play with. But it’s a collector’s item. You know if you take it out of the box and play with it, it will never be the same, it won’t be worth as much. If I take you out of the box and play with you, I’m risking damaging you, breaking you, ruining you. So I have to push the temptation away. Sometimes the temptation gets to be too much, like last night or the night at my place in college. I just have to keep reminding myself of my place.”
“Well, the damage has already been done, right?”
He laughs. “You’re not getting me with that one again.”
“Okay, Carson. What if I said that you’re taking advantage of me. You’re kissing me in a moment of weakness and it’s hurting me; it’s wreaking havoc on my emotions. Then what?”
His jaw flexes and I see his Adam’s apple bob in this throat. “I don’t want to hurt you, Felicity.”
“What would you do then?”
“I guess I’d have no choice but to pack up and go home and put some distance between us so you can heal without me breaking you even more.”
“And what? We’d just never be allowed in the same room at the same time again?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know that what I’m doing is right, but I know preserving our friendship can’t be wrong.”
I’m clearly not getting through to him. An idea hits me. He always says that he can’t deny me when I ask him for something when I smile and bat my lashes. “What if I asked you to fuck me?”
He looks over at me so fast I’m surprised his head didn’t fly off his neck. I look at him from beneath my lashes.
“It doesn’t have to be anything serious. It can just be a fling, some fun between two friends for one night. Would you then?”
“Don’t push me, Felicity.”
I let out a heavy breath.
“You think I’m some kind of saint. That I can withstand every want and need I have. I can’t. I will break eventually, and I’d hate to hurt you in the process.”
I shake my head and look back out the window. Clearly, we’re not getting anywhere like this.
We make it to town square and the place is bustling with townspeople. Everyone is here, ice skating, enjoying the carriage rides, hot chocolate, and gift buying in the Christmas Market they set up every year. We find a parking spot and we both climb out. We meet behind the car and I reach over and take his hand. He looks at me, but lets it go. This isn’t anything we haven’t done before. In big crowds or when one of us w
as upset, we’d always hold hands so we didn’t get separated or just to ground the other person.
We walk hand in hand to the center of the town square and he pays for us both to ice skate. We take our skates to a bench and sit down to put them on.
“You never told me why,” he says, stealing my attention away from me untangling my skate lace.
“Why what?”
“Why me? Why do you want this so much? I mean, I’m nothing special. In fact, I’m the opposite of special.”
I shake my head as our eyes meet. “Carson, I’ve known since I was seven years old that you were the boy I was meant to love. You don’t see what I see when I look at you. You see a kid who got into too much trouble growing up. You see a boy who was basically left behind by his parents, forgotten about because their troubles seemed more important than yours. I see a friend who has been by my side through thick and thin.” I start putting on my skates.
“I see someone who has put my happiness above your own. Someone who has always taken care of me, protected me, even when I didn’t make it easy for you. And you know what?” I look at him and he looks at me. “I’m perfect for you too. I’ve been the one by your side. I’ve kept you out of trouble. I’ve kept you grounded. And I’ve been patient. I’ve waited for you. I waited while you explored your options with every other girl. I waited while you went off and did what you needed to do to get you to where you wanted to be. But if you’re not ready, I’ll keep waiting until you are. How many other people can you say that about?”
This time, it looks like I’ve gotten through to him. His eyes are unmoving as he watches me. His jaw is flexed and he’s breathing heavy. But I don’t give him time to respond or argue. I want him to think, really think, so I stand up and make my way to the ice.
Six
Carson
Fuck. She’s right, but that doesn’t change the fact that all I’ll do is screw things up between us. I can’t lose her. I won’t lose her. But I can’t deny her either. She said that this could just be fun between two friends. Is that true? Could we keep it casual? I look up at her skating on the ice and she looks beautiful, elegant, free. Her long dark hair is blowing in the breeze and she’s wearing a big smile. Her eyes are lit up, just like they always did when we were kids. Being with Felicity would be like heaven, but I also feel like she’s a perfect ivory angel and to touch her would be to smudge her up like a work of art that hasn’t dried yet.
But how long can I go on resisting her? It’s only a matter of time before she catches me in a moment of weakness. She knows that if she asks me for something directly, I always give her what she wants. I always have. I’ve never been able to deny her. I think she found the loophole and she knows it.
As I make my way out onto the ice, I can’t help but think about what being with her would feel like. I imagine holding her naked body in my arms, against my chest. I think about how soft and sweet her lips are. I think about sliding into her heat, hearing her moan a sigh of relief the moment we become one. My blood begins to boil beneath my skin and I have to push the thoughts away before my body gets away from me.
She’s coming around just as I’m stepping onto the ice. She spins around and skates backward as she watches me on wobbling knees.
“What happened? You used to know how to skate.”
I laugh. “That was a long time ago.”
She gives me that breathtaking smile. “I seem to remember a little boy who wanted to be a hockey star. Remember that?”
I laugh. “Yeah, for one whole winter,” I remind her. The snow melted and the rink was taken down and I was onto the next thing.
“Come on,” she says, holding out her hands. “I’ll help you.”
I reach forward and slip my hands into hers. She works herself backward and I slowly work myself forward. She’s wearing a wide smile and her green eyes are lit up against the sun.
She nods me on. “See, I knew you could do it. It’s all muscle memory. Just let your body take over. Clear your head.”
Is that what I should do? With her, I mean. Clear my mind and let my body take over and do what comes naturally? Fuck, she’s making too many good points today. She brought her A game. She’s playing chess while I’ve been playing checkers.
We go around the rink a few times before I feel comfortable enough to let go of her hands and try it out myself. She stays at my side, cheering me on the whole way. This only reminds me of the time we came here as teenagers. I was seventeen and she was fourteen.
“I’ll be back in three hours,” her mom says as we climb out of the car.
“Bye, Mom.” She closes the passenger side door as she climbs out.
“Thanks, Mrs. B,” I say, closing the back door.
Our friends are already here waiting, set to meet up at the hot chocolate stand. We both head over, her a few steps in front of me. I can’t help but look her up and down and I know how bad that sounds. I’ll be eighteen soon and she’s only turning fifteen. Jailbait for sure! But she’s dressed like she’s about to walk down the winter wonderland runway. She’s wearing black boots that come up to her knees. Her jeans are tight, hugging her round ass and hips. She’s wearing a gray Henley shirt that’s just as tight, but it has a few buttons undone, showing a little cleavage that I didn’t even know she had. She’s wearing a white coat that only hits at her hips and it’s unzipped, showing off that growing chest of hers. Her long dark hair is curled and hanging down her back and she’s wearing a white sock hat. Her green eyes are shining bright today and when she sees our friends, she smiles bright.
We close in on them and a few guys greet me before my girlfriend, Christina, comes up to me and pulls me in for a hug. I look down and see her waiting for a kiss, so I do it quickly, not feeling comfortable doing it in front of Felicity for some reason. When I pull away from our quick kiss, I turn to see her in the arms of Chad. She’s smiling and he has his hands on her hips, whispering something to her. I glance away just as she glances at me. Then when I look back, they’re kissing. Full-on kissing in front of everyone. Now I know why she looked at me. She was seeing if I was watching. Apparently she doesn’t feel right kissing someone in front of me either.
Christina pulls me toward the ice rink and our whole group follows. We skate for a while, talk with our friends, but then everyone kind of disperses and goes their own way. I notice Chad getting off the ice and Felicity is still skating around. I look around for Christina and find her behind me with a couple of her friends, so I quickly skate up to Felicity.
“So, Chad, huh?” I ask, annoyed that I can’t hide the disgust in my voice.
She looks up at me with raised brows. “So, Christina, huh?”
I wave her off. “Christina and I have been together for months. You know that.”
“I knew when you got together. I didn’t know you were still together. I never see you with her anymore.”
I shrug. “We’re busy.”
“When are you busy? You’re almost always with me.”
“Exactly. I’m always with you, so how is it that the subject of Chad never came up?”
She shrugs. “I didn’t think you liked him and I didn’t want to fight.”
“I wouldn’t fight with you. Him maybe,” I joke, but I’m also completely serious. Already I’m trying to figure out how to pick a fight with him.
“Why are you so upset by this?” she asks, coming to a stop on the ice.
I do the same. “Who says I’m upset. I just can’t figure out why you’d try hiding it.”
“I wasn’t hiding it. God, you sound like my mother.”
“Look, I’m just concerned, okay? Chad is a douchebag. He dates girls and gets what he wants from them and then dumps them. He’s older than you too. You know he’s going to have expectations.”
She laughs. “Expectations? Like what?”
I shrug.
“Sex? You mean he’s going to want to have sex with me?”
“Felicity,” I warn.
“Well…go
od. Maybe I want to have sex with him.”
I grind my teeth together. “Don’t talk like that. You’re not even fifteen yet.”
“So, how old were you when you had sex for the first time?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“So, you won’t tell me one thing, but I’m expected to tell you everything? Kind of a double standard, isn’t it?”
I roll my neck, looking up at the sky as I let out a long breath. “Just be careful. And let me know if he gets out of line. I’d love a reason to kick his ass.” I push past her and get off the ice. It’s not long before Christina finds me and I have to pretend to be in a decent mood again.
“You remember that fight we got into here?”
Her eyes grow wide. “Of course. We didn’t talk for like two weeks after that.”
I laugh. “Yeah, I was pretty pissed off.”
“You were jealous,” she points out.
“Of course I was. I couldn’t have you; I didn’t want anyone else to either.”
“What’s your excuse now?”
“It’s pretty much the same, but it’s easier to ignore when there is a country between us.”
She shakes her head slightly. “That works for you? It doesn’t me. I thought going to South Carolina for college would stop it, but it didn’t. I ended up just driving myself crazy wondering what you were doing all the time.”
“It did at first. But then I found myself wondering what you were doing. Who you were with. Who was touching you. That’s why I started calling more. I had to know that you were safe.”
She stops moving and I glide to a stop next to her. “You know, there’s one surefire way to know the answers to all those questions, right?”
“I know.”
“If you want me to stop, just tell me, Carson. We’re adults. If you want me to stop, I will.” Her sparkling green eyes meet mine as I think it over.
“Don’t stop, Felicity. Just give me some time.”
Naughty or Nice: A Friends to Lovers Christmas Romance Page 5