Regretting Gabriel

by Brooks, Anna

  “Why don’t you go hold your stupid blonde?”

  His arms tense, and he pulls his head back. The air in the room heats with the anger pouring off him. This side of him is what he’s known for. Explosive temper. But damn, why can’t I sleep with the light off, then I wouldn’t have to see his stupid handsome face. Because even pissed off he’s hot. “What?”

  “Let me go.”

  “No way. Explain what the fuck that meant.”

  “Nothing. I’m tired. Leave me alone.”

  “Fuck that. After what we shared, Cady, are you outta your fuckin’ mind? I ain’t leaving you,” he snaps, and the next thing I know, I’m flying through the air and my back lands in the bed. He straddles me and presses the majority of his weight against me. “Talk.”

  I try to look away, but he grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. Fine. He wants me to talk, so I’ll talk. I’ll tell him everything. “I heard her in the bathroom. After you did your toast. She was telling her friend how you always visit her when you’re home, and she bragged about how you fucked her so hard the headboard broke the wall. They both talked about how ugly I am and questioned why you were with me. Then they came out of the stalls, she looked at me, put on lipstick, and walked out. Then when I came out, I saw her sitting on Mike’s lap but flirting with you. Practically giving your beer bottle a blow job with her stupid fucking red lips, then you fucking drank out of it after her stupid fucking red lips were on it!”

  While I’m ranting, I don’t notice the anger disappearing, and when I’m done, surprisingly, he’s smirking. “You’re cute as shit all jealous.”

  “I’m not jealous.” It’s more than that.

  “You are. But I like it.” His head descends, and I turn, but he brings my face back and kisses me. Quick but hard. “I fucked her once, but that’s it. She was lying. Never broke a wall, and anything her and her stupid bitch ass friend said about you is nothing but their own insecurity because you with no makeup look a thousand times better than them with pounds of shit on their face.”

  “You drank out of the bottle she had her lips on.”

  He swallows and looks guilty. “I did. It didn’t mean anything. I didn’t even think about it, to be honest. And I promise you I’ll never do anything like that again, but it wasn’t a big deal, Cady.”

  And this is exactly what I’m worried about with being with him. The things that mean something to me don’t matter to him. He won’t change, but I wouldn’t want him to. He is who he is, but I also am who I am. And I know myself. We’ll never work.

  So instead of taking Meara’s advice, I listen to what Nik said and also what my heart is telling me. And right now, it’s saying I need to be honest with him. At least about this. I feel stupid, and I’m embarrassed to tell him, but it’s now or never.

  My head sinks into the pillow. “I’m not strong enough to see them.”

  “See who?”

  “The women,” I confess.

  He groans, like he finally understands, but he doesn’t seem irritated. More sympathetic. “You’re the only one.”

  “I’m not, Gabriel. Let’s not pretend there won’t be a line waiting for you the moment you step onto the stage.”

  “You’re the only one who matters.”

  “But I’m not the only one.”

  He waits a beat. “I need you to look at me, baby.”

  I really don’t want to have this conversation at all, let alone face to face, but I have no choice. I was going to do what Meara said. I was going to just push it all away because he’s worth me holding everything in. When he’s here, I forget about everything else. But I suck at hiding my feelings.

  “I’m trying to tread carefully, but I’m probably going to fuck it up, so bear with me until the end, okay?” He doesn’t let me answer. “I will not cheat on you. I will not touch another woman. I will not let another woman touch me. There will never come a time that I won’t respect you enough to have a conversation about where my head is at if I ever feel like me being faithful is an issue, but you’ve gotta know that time will never happen.”

  “You can’t know that.”

  “I can because I know what I have with you. I know what you make me feel. I know it’s mine, it’s real, and it’s forever. And an orgasm from a groupie isn’t worth a lifetime of happiness with you. It won’t ever be. I won’t apologize for being a single guitarist who toured the world and sampled his fair share of available pussy.” I cringe at his words but suck it up enough to let him get his point across. “I can’t make you trust me, Cady. I want you to, I want you to know with every fiber of your being that you are it for me. You’re more than it. You’re everything. My past is the past. You’re the only woman I’ve ever considered a future with for more reasons than one. What can I say to let that sink in?”

  “It’s not you,” I whisper. “It’s me.”

  “Tell me why.”

  “Why what?”

  “Why you’re so sure I’m gonna cheat on you.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t think you understand where I’m coming from.”

  “Explain it to me then.”

  “Losing my virginity was something special. I saved it because I knew that when I shared that with someone, it would mean the world to me. I don’t understand how something that… powerful and emotional can be shared so callously. And not just that, but if I’m being honest, I don’t think I’ll ever get over the thought of you sharing what we do with so many random women.” He clamps his jaw shut. “It’s not that I think you’ll stray. It’s that I don’t know how to cope with the fact that… that I don’t know. That you’re the only one for me, and I’m not that for you.”

  “Are you done?” he snaps, and the temporary hold he has on his anger has vanished.

  “I think so.” I swallow.

  “I’m not a normal guy who went to clubs or bars on the weekend and hoped to score. You know that. It’s just part of the life, Cady. We get hyped, adrenaline gets flowing, we find someone we can tolerate looking at, wrap up and fuck. And honest to Christ, baby, that’s all it is. And I hate to break it to you, because it seems you’re just lookin’ for fuckin’ reasons to piss me off, but the number is probably a lot less than you’re thinking. I won’t deny I had fun, but that’s all they ever got. They had my dick for ten minutes, but you have my heart. Isn’t that more important?”

  I should just let it go at that, but I don’t. “So, if I had sex with someone else…” I swallow when I hear his growl. “You wouldn’t care?”

  “Before me?”

  “No, now.”

  “What kind of bullshit question is that? You’re comparing apples to oranges. Cheating is not the same thing, and it honestly pisses me off more that you’d even ask me something like that.”

  It pains me to even think about this, much less talk. I know I’m not articulating things the right way, but I don’t know what to say or how to say it. “Just forget it.”

  “No.” He grabs my arm and gives me a little shake. “We’re talking about this.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Well, I do.”

  “Let me go.”

  He pulls me closer. “I can’t change the past, and as much as I’m falling for you, I won’t have a future with you doing nothing but throwing it in my face that I used to have fun.” He keeps talking, but the only thing I can hear is him saying he’s falling for me.

  Gabriel

  “Now, about tonight. I’m a douche, but I’ll work on that.” She starts to say something, but I cut her off. “You have to understand that it’s just how things have always been, Cady. Everyone lets loose and has a good time. I’ve had fun. For the most part, it’s been carefree as fuck, and I’ve loved it. But I haven’t had to think about anyone other than myself for a long while… ever, actually. I’ve never cared about a woman as much as I do you to even try to change things. I ain’t perfect, but nobody is. And yes, I have a past that harbors all sorts of messed-up shit, but all I’m think
ing about right now is you and how I can make this work.”

  She swallows, and I drop my hand from her face and slide it down to her neck, lightly cupping her throat, the smooth beat of her pulse rhythmic beneath my fingers.

  “I’m gonna fuck up. I’ll probably do something that pisses you off. I might even accidentally hurt your feelings in some way or another, but I would never, fucking ever, do that intentionally. And I promise you I will never touch another woman while we’re together.”

  “Okay.” She agrees immediately.

  Yeah, that was too fast. After her being upset enough to leave, there’s no way that she’s just suddenly okay. She’s full of shit. “Cady.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t be sarcastic.”

  She shakes her head. “I’m not, I swear. I’m tired.”

  “Cady. Talk to me, sweetheart. Don’t pretend and hold shit in.” Instead of doing what I ask, she presses her lips together, so I lay it out for her even more. “Ya know, this is new to me, too. Everything with you is new. And since I’ve known you, I’ve been a type of calm I’ve never felt before. I’ve said more romantic shit to you in one week than I have in my entire life, and it’s not because I’m trying to lay shit on thick. It just comes naturally. Everyone knows me as a man-whore with a short temper, but I don’t want to be that to you, and I’m trying really damn hard to show you that.”

  I truly have. I don’t know what else I can do or what I can say. I feel like an ass right now, but I need to get it through her head that she’s honestly the only thing that matters to me. And yeah, I guess I’m asking her to give me a chance to prove myself because it’s a learning curve for me… to be a part of a couple.

  Her lids close slowly for a moment, and I wait. I’m fully anticipating her to tell me I’ve ruined it already, though even if she does, I won’t accept it. When she lifts her lashes and her eyes pierce the uncertainty between us, the shift in them rocks me to my core, and I swallow down the lump of fear that was clogging my throat.

  “You could never be that to me.” Her soft words reassure me what I was praying she’d say. “You’re not that to me.”

  My shoulders sag in relief, and my hand drifts down between her breasts, back up, then down again. Her nipples harden beneath her hideous T-shirt, and I feel my lips kick up on the side to no fault of my own. “What are you wearing?”

  “Shut up,” she squeaks. “I didn’t think you were going to follow me.”

  “I’ll always follow you, Cady. All you’ve gotta do is tell me where I’m goin’, and I’ll be right behind you.” Her eyes get wet, and as much as I love that she’s getting what I’m saying to her, I don’t want her to cry. So I drop my chin. “I mean, you’ve got the nicest ass I’ve ever seen, so it’s not a hardship to—”

  Her palms slap against my chest, and when she tries to shove me back, I let her. Because that means she’s falling on top of me.

  “If you didn’t just tell me you were falling for me, I’d smack you right now.”

  I can think of a few responses to that, but the truth of the matter is, I am falling for her. And I’ve told her with words, but now it’s time to show her exactly what I mean.

  So I do something else with her I’ve never done; I make love to a woman. Slow. Sweet. Deep. Every time I slide inside, I feel it all the way up my chest. Her legs are wrapped around me. I have her hands above her head, our fingers together. Her glistening eyes stare into mine the entire time. Not only are our bodies connected but our souls are too, and I never knew how amazing it could feel to have that with someone.

  I’m going to have a lot of firsts with her, and I’m looking forward to each and every one of them. I love watching her passion heat up and the bliss of an impending orgasm as it rolls through her. It’s the absolute most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And when her lips part on a wordless gasp, and her neck arches, watching it wash over her, she makes me come harder than I ever have in my life.

  “You got plans for Christmas?” I ask her, watching my finger circle her navel. We’re still in her bed, and until I’m forced, I’m never leaving it.

  “No. For Christmas Eve tomorrow, I’m going to have dinner with Rosie and Sebastian. He’s taking her to his family on Christmas.”

  I pause, sensing a little hurt in her voice. “Did he invite you, too?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And you said no?”

  “Yeah.”

  I reach up and run my fingers through her hair. “You sound upset by that.”

  “I’m not… And I know it seems stupid, but I feel like it’s just a pity invite.”

  “You’re pretty important to both of them, so I doubt that’s the case.”

  “I know. But being around family reminds me I don’t have one, and to be honest with you, I kind of hate Christmas. I mean, I like those stupid cheesy movies because they’re so corny and predictable, and they make me happy, and I like the spirit of it all, but the actual day sucks unless you have a family to celebrate with.”

  I can understand that. “Did you used to?”

  “What?”

  “Have good Christmases?”

  She looks over my shoulder, something I’ve noticed she does when she’s talking about things that are upsetting to her. “Yes. Everything with my dad was good. All of my memories of holidays and birthdays and all that boring school stuff; the choir concerts and art shows and science fairs, they were all fun because of him. He made it that way.”

  “You really miss him, don’t you?”

  Her eyes well with tears, but she blinks, and they go away. “Yes. Every single day.”

  “You’re lucky you have that, at least, the memories and the good times. I’m so sorry that he died, so, so sorry, but at least you have that to cherish.”

  “You don’t?”

  I shake my head. “My dad is an asshole. I hate him. Every memory that involves him is bad. I had some good times with my mom and my sister, but it seems like he found a way to ruin every good thing that happened.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. It is what it is.”

  “So what are you doing for Christmas then?”

  “Probably going to see my mom.” But not my dad. I know he’ll be there, but I can’t disappoint my mom on Christmas so I’ll show up and it’ll be full of tension, but she’ll be happy, so it’ll be worth it in the end.

  “Cool.” She yawns, and I chuckle.

  “Tired?”

  Her head turns, and her sleepy eyes find mine. “Yeah. It’s been a long night.”

  “It has, but it’s been a good one, don’t ya think?”

  “No, Gabriel. It’s been a great night.”

  I lean forward and press my lips gently to hers. “Sleep, sugar. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

  Cady

  “Now, Cady, child. This is too much.” Rosie holds up the cashmere robe, her brittle fingers brushing back and forth over the soft fabric. “I’m keeping it, but you shouldn’t have.”

  Sebastian and I laugh at her humor. I hope when I’m her age that I still laugh like she does. Sometimes, at least. When she’s not being crotchety. “I’m glad you like it.”

  “I love it.”

  The three of us already ate a dinner of ham and mashed potatoes, which Sebastian made, and I brought Rosie’s favorite Cherry Cheesecake Kringle for dessert.

  I opened my gifts from them, which were a sweater and scarf set from Rosie and a really pretty sign that says She reads books as one would breathe air, to fill up and live from Sebastian. It’s one of my favorite quotes from Annie Dillard. He got Rosie a heated blanket and a pair of slippers that massage her feet.

  I got him tickets for a play he wants to see in Chicago, along with a gift certificate and hotel reservation for him and his boyfriend, and of course, I told him I’d spend the night with Rosie while he was away.

  As much as I’m trying to enjoy our time together, I’m actually kind of irritated because I haven
’t talked to Gabriel all day. After what happened between us last night, I could have sworn he would have at least called me today.

  He kept his word and was there when I woke up, but it was almost as soon as my eyes were open that he kissed me quick, then took off with the promise to talk to me soon. But the day is nearly over, and I haven’t talked to him again.

  I can’t help but be irritated even though I’m trying not to let that affect our evening.

  “Here, let me throw that out.” I take the wrapping paper and pick up the scraps off the floor, then walk out of the den to her kitchen.

  “What’s wrong?” Sebastian asks from behind me, and I jump, so caught up in my thoughts I didn’t hear him follow me.

  After shoving the paper in the recycle bin, I turn around. “Nothing.” I smile.

  “Girl, that is so fake. What’s wrong?”

  “It’s nothing… I mean, it’s something, but it’s just stupid.”

  “What?”

  I go to the sink and start rinsing dishes. “He hasn’t called me today.”

  I told Sebastian and Rosie about Gabriel as we were eating dinner. To say they were happy was an understatement. And when Sebastian and I were getting dessert ready, I gave him more details, and he was really happy because he says I deserve to finally be in love. I didn’t deny it, but I didn’t agree either. It’s one thing to think it but another to say it out loud.

  “Did you call him?”

  I turn and glare at him. “Shut up.”

  He laughs. “Well, did you?”

  “No.”

  “So why don’t you pick up the phone instead of bitching?”

  “He left this morning and said he’d talk to me soon, so I’m waiting for him to call because I don’t want to bug him.”

  “You think he’d think you’re bugging him if you called?”