Hesitate

by Brooks, Anna

  Chapter 12

  Q

  I’ve given her enough time; a week is plenty of time for her to sulk. I’ve tortured myself enough, and I’m done. I walk out of my apartment and stand in front of hers, then knock on the door. To my surprise, she opens it. And even though she’s clearly stressed out, she’s still the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.

  “The only reason I’m opening this is to slam it in your face.”

  She tries to shove the door closed, but I grab it and keep it open, refusing to let her win this time. “Listen to me.”

  “No.”

  “Madeline. Please, sweeth—”

  “Fuck you!” she screeches. Her fisted hands stiffen at her sides, and her hair flies with her anger.

  I ignore the agony in her words and push open the door. “Listen to me.”

  “Get out, Q.”

  “Baby.”

  “No.” She shakes her head. “I want you to listen to me and really hear what I’m saying. You’re a liar, and I don’t want one thing to do with you, Q.” She holds her hand up when I try to speak, but I talk over her.

  She needs to hear this. “Goddammit, Maddy, shut the fuck up and listen to me!”

  Madeline

  He turns abruptly and steeples his hands and rests his chin on the tip of his thumbs and takes a deep breath. Fine. He wants me to listen, so I’ll listen if it’ll get him out of my sight.

  He turns his head to look at me, and I see it. The regret. But I let that ricochet off my armor. “I don’t work in IT for my father’s company.”

  Of course he doesn’t. “Okay…”

  “Did you like what we had?” he asks. The question throws me for a loop, and my head jerks back.

  “What?”

  “Do you think that I liked what was between us? That I’m so fucking into you I can’t see straight?”

  The back of my throat tingles, and my hand instinctually reaches for it. “Before last week, I wanted to believe you really felt that way.”

  “There is no believing. I do feel that way, and I know you do, too,” he swears and marches over to me, not giving me time to protest. His fingers on his left hand sift into my hair, and his right hand grabs me by the waist and pulls me to him. I shouldn’t let him touch me. I don’t want him to, but for whatever stupid reason, I don’t push him away like I should. I think I’m just out of fight.

  “Promise me you’ll hear me out.” There’s a desperation in his voice and a bite to the way he’s holding me. Painfully. But not to hurt… to prevent me from being able to leave because he knows whatever he’s going to tell me is going to make me want to run.

  “I’m not promising you shit.”

  He takes a deep breath and tightens his fingers, dropping his face so all I see is green. And the flirty, protective gaze that I’m used to looking at isn’t there anymore. I don’t even know what’s looking back at me right now, but again, I don’t care. “I work for a security company. Your mother hired us to find you for her.”

  It’s like I’m waiting for the last sands in an hourglass to fall… staring, anticipating, knowing the end is coming, but I’m unable to tear my eyes away. In this scenario, I’m the hourglass, always half-empty. But Q? He’s the sand that sifts to the bottom, one painful granule at a time. No matter which way I turn—upside down, sideways, or spinning in a circle—he’s always going to fill up a part of me. Until someone drops the glass, and it shatters.

  I try to shove him off, but he doesn’t budge. “Let me go.”

  “Let me explain.”

  “Let me go.”

  “Let me explain.”

  “You lied.”

  He nods. “I did. But there’s so much more. Listen, for you to understand what I’m going to tell you, you have to understand that when I say I work for a security company, I mean that I work for the absolute best protection firm and bodyguard agency in the world. We don’t just install security systems; we offer services ranging from personal protection to K&R and everything in between.”

  My brows scrunch together because I have no clue what he’s talking about.

  “Kidnapping and ransom. We find people who have been kidnapped. The company is comprised of men from various backgrounds, but the one common thread that ties us all together is we have an innate desire to protect people. It’s in our blood. And when I was looking into your case, I, of course, knew who your mom was, but that had shit all to do with it. She gave me a bad feeling, so I started digging.

  “And Madeline, I did not like what I saw. There was something bugging me, something that I couldn’t let go of, and when your mom came in for me to give her your address, she tipped me off even more.”

  Of course this is going from bad to worse, but I want to know why she wanted to find me after all these years.

  “I gave her what she paid for, and then I went with my gut and decided to protect you from her, from something that I wasn’t even sure existed. It was overkill, but I didn’t care because I needed to make sure you were safe from whatever threat was out there. My guys were working things from their angle, and I was doing the same from mine. It went from professional to personal the moment you put your hand in mine that night at the club. You don’t remember it, but I do.” No, I do remember it, but he just doesn’t know that. “I tried to deny it because it would be better for both of us if this wasn’t so fucking intense, but it is. What difference does it make how we met?”

  It makes a huge difference—all of it—and he’s a moron for thinking I’d think anything else. Of course this has to do with my mom. Because why not? She’s ruined every single other thing in my life. “This whole time, you knew who my mom was, and you’ve pretended to like me for a… an assignment?”

  “No.”

  “No to which one?”

  “No, I never pretended to like you. From the moment I saw your picture in the file, I—”

  Oh my God. “There’s a file on me?”

  He presses his lips together, and they pop when he releases them. “There is.”

  “What’s in it?”

  “That’s not important.”

  “It is to me.” I can tell he doesn’t want to answer, but I don’t care. “What the fuck is in it?” I screech, trying to tear out of his arms, but he won’t let me go. God, I never thought I’d want him to let me go.

  He shifts on his feet, and our bodies rub together. “Everything.” I pull back from him, and he finally allows it, just an inch. I’m staring at his throat and watch as his Adam’s apple bobs up and down when he swallows. “Everything is in it.”

  “So when you asked me all those questions, you already knew the answers?”

  He shakes his head. “Not all of them.”

  “But most of them.”

  “Yes,” he answers, and it’s almost robotic.

  How can he just stand here and so calmly tell me this while my world is crumbling at my feet? “Let me go, Q. Is that even your name?” His lids lower as he nods, but he finally does as I ask. I take several steps away from him.

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, Q. What are you trying to do here? What purpose does this serve? Are you telling me all this to get it off your conscience so you feel better about being a lying asshole?”

  He nods, man enough to admit I’m right but not man enough not to lie in the first place. “Yes, but I don’t want to leave you, not knowing what we feel for each other. I wasn’t supposed to get as close as I did, but once I saw you, once I touched you… It wasn’t supposed to happen, but there was nothing that could have stopped it, and you know it. You know you feel the same thing I do.”

  Oh no, he’s not going to do this shit. “You know what I feel, Q? I feel like I can’t believe a word that comes out of your mouth, and with all that talking you’re doing, you’ve yet to tell me exactly what the fuck you want from me since we both know you’re not after my pussy.”

  “Stop it. Don’t make this dirty.”

  I glare at him. “You lied to me and ma
nipulated me to get a job done oh, so thoroughly, but you don’t want me to make this dirty?”

  He nods curtly. “Yeah, sweetheart, I did it to protect you, and I won’t apologize for it, but if you were listening, you’d have heard me say that I got close to you on my own. It wasn’t my job to protect you, but I did it anyway because if something had happened to you, I’d never forgive myself. But more importantly, if something happened to you because I tipped off your mom, I don’t know how I’d be able to survive. And if I remember correctly, it was you who threw yourself at me the first time we kissed. It was you who dropped to your knees, wanting to get to my cock. And it was you who told me you loved me. But it was me who didn’t take us all the way because I gave a shit about you. I didn’t want our first time together to be when you didn’t know the real me, and the possibility of a threat against you still existed. So now that you know, the question is; what are you gonna do about it, Madeline?”

  I can’t believe he’s standing here expecting me to just be okay with all of this. “What is the matter with you?” I hide the heartache and embarrassment that I got played for a fool with my anger. “Do you think because she’s my mom, I’ll just spread for anyone? That it runs in the family?”

  “Don’t.”

  “Fuck you, Q. You got paid to sleep with me.” Even if we didn’t go all the way, the point is the same. “That makes you a whore just as much as me. Makes me just like my mother when all I’ve been trying to do my entire miserable life is be nothing like her!”

  He grabs my arm and pulls me to him. “Stop it. She paid me to find your address, but the rest I did on my own for zero fucking dollars. You know that shit isn’t true, and it ain’t right, Madeline. You’re none of those things and never could be.”

  “Get your hand off me.” I grit out each word between clenched teeth, but he shakes his head. “Let me go, you fake fucking bastard!”

  “It wasn’t fake. It was real.”

  “It wasn’t because you lied to me. You knew everything about me and fucking played me. You acted surprised when I told you I was allergic to coconut. You wiped my tears when I told you my mother and I had an estranged relationship and that I didn’t know who my father was. You pretended to guess my birthday. Do you have any idea how hurtful that is?”

  He nods. “I do, because I can physically feel your pain, sweetheart, and it hurts me more than you know.” I actually pause at that. “I need you to understand that all I knew is what was on paper. It was just superficial information. There’s so much more to you than that, and that’s what I fell for.”

  I don’t acknowledge that he finally said what I’d been dreaming he would say to me. “Well, you can take that paper and wipe your ass with it, Q.” He grins at me, and I narrow my eyes at him. “I see you think this is funny, but I’m dead serious. I let you in to say your piece, and you did. I heard you. Since you know everything about me, you know that when I’m done with someone, I’m done. And I am so fucking done with you that I already forgot you existed.”

  “You can’t think I’ll just walk away from you? Did you even listen to what I said? Are you comprehending what I just told you?”

  I’ll do any and everything I can to get him to leave me alone so I can continue to drown in my own despair. Because that’s what I’m going to be. Alone. I’m done with him, and I’m done with handing my heart over to someone just to have it torn to shreds, so I switch tactics now since defensiveness isn’t working. “Oh baby, I listened to every word, but I think you’re the one who hasn’t been paying attention.” I purr as I drag my nail across his chest. “You think I didn’t learn from the best, big boy? Think I can’t… oh God.” I moan and grab onto his shirt as my eyes roll back in my head. “God, Q.” I look at him through hooded lids, and his eyes darken. He walks me backward, and my head hits the wall, but it doesn’t stop me from making my point. From trying to make him feel a little of what I am; embarrassed and taken advantage of… used. Worthless. I pant, my breath harsh and my hips swiveling against his thigh. “You’re gonna make me come, Q. Yes! God! Oh please. Please.” I gasp and shudder, making my body vibrate to give the full effect. “God, yes. Yes. Yessss.” My hands slap against the wall, and I bite my lip as I sigh and mewl, pretending to come down from an orgasm as my hips stop rolling. My eyes blur, but I still see him in front of me with little flecks of red in his cheeks, shaking his head.

  “That was fuckin’ low, Madeline.”

  I shove him off and give him the finger as I walk down my hall. “Get the fuck out.”

  Chapter 13

  Madeline

  The warm water that’s cascading down my body mingles with my tears as I allow a moment of weakness. Seeing him again yesterday, feeling his hands on me, listening to his words; it’s all too much. I wanted desperately to just dive into his arms and pretend that everything was okay. But it’s not. Everything I thought I knew about him was a lie and I’ve been through too much and have too much respect for myself to think he can just offer some lame explanation and I’ll understand.

  Add to the fact that my mom is involved and it abolishes any second chance he ever could have had. She’s ruined enough of my life, and I’m so done with letting her affect me in any way.

  Since I moved out and worked three jobs to pay for college and got my degree, my life was good… or at least better than my childhood. Not having her or her profession directly involved in any aspect of my life was a welcomed relief. Getting out of the town where everyone knew me as the porn star’s daughter was a blessing.

  Yes, it’s sucked that guys recognize me as her daughter, and of course, I’ve had my run-ins with bad relationships, but compared to what I was accustomed to, I was so proud of myself and the independence that I worked so hard for.

  It wasn’t until Q opened my eyes that I realized just how much I was missing. How little I laughed. How I didn’t truly understand what happiness felt like.

  So it makes his betrayal that much worse. I’d have no problem getting rid of and moving on from any other man, but because I was in love for the first time in my life, it’s near impossible to just get over. I will eventually, but I’ll never forget, and I know that nobody else will ever make me as happy as he did.

  The water begins to turn cold, so I finish rinsing the conditioner out of my hair, then get out of the shower and put some stretchy pants and a big sweatshirt on. After I finger comb my hair, I let it air-dry and go to the kitchen to get something to eat even though nothing sounds good.

  As I’m digging around in my cupboards, there’s a knock on my door, and I feel that little dip in my stomach, thinking Q’s back, but then it swirls into nausea. And when I look through the peep hole, I almost don’t believe my eyes. That nausea turns to acid. If I hadn’t seen her last week with her hands on the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I’d think I was hallucinating. She had no clue where I lived because I made it that way, so her coming here is a result of Q… another thing I have not to thank him for. And I also need to move.

  I’m emotionally drained, I have been for over a week now. Hashing it out with her isn’t something I ever wanted to do but definitely not so soon after my heart was broken as a result of her antics. If what Q says is right and she only wanted to contact me for whatever reason, she won’t leave until she says whatever she has to say. So I’ll have to give her this and then find another place to live where she can’t find me because I don’t want to see her ever again. I clear my throat. Opening the door, I greet her with animosity. “Roxy.”

  Her breath swooshes out of her lungs, and her relief is palpable when she says, “Maddy.” And for a second, I almost let myself believe she really gives a shit.

  Ignoring all the things seeing her makes me feel, I ask, “What do you want?”

  “Can you talk? I’ll only take a few minutes.”

  “Pretty sure everything that’s been said is all there is to say.”

  She tilts her head, and her manicured eyebrows draw
together, but her forehead stays wrinkle free. “But… you haven’t even talked to me since you moved out, so how would you know what I have to say?”

  My point exactly. With an exaggerated swoop of my hand, I open my arms in invitation for her to get started with whatever shit she’s gonna throw at me.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Okay. Thank you. You can go now.”

  Tears fill her eyes, and she clutches her hands together. “Please, let me explain.”

  “No.” I shake my head and hop up on my kitchen counter. Why does everyone think they can hurt me and then explain why they did it as if it’ll justify the pain they put me through? “If you think I’m going to take the time to listen to you now, when you never once listened to me when I was a child, then you’re even crazier than I thought you were. You haven’t spoken to me or even tried to make amends since I left years ago, and when you do come back into my life, it’s only to manipulate me.”

  “I couldn’t find you. You changed your number, and you moved. I… When I hired them to find you, I wasn’t trying to manipulate you, I was trying to look out for your future.”

  I laugh. “The time I needed looking out for was when I was a child, Mother. It was when I was being touched by guys who I didn’t want to touch me. It was when I was alone after school every day until I had to put myself to bed, and when I’d wake up alone and have to get myself ready, again, by myself. I needed protection when I got bullied the entire time I was in school, but mostly and especially when I was in high school, and boys started thinking with their dicks and thought that because of who you were, my body was a free-for-all.”

  A single tear rolls down her cheek. “I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for that, Maddy. The past is the past. There are things you don’t understand, and I want to explain them to you and—”

  “I don’t give a shit about your explanations, Roxy. I stopped believing there was even a tiny shred of decency in you when you locked me in my room so you could partake in a gang bang in the same room where I would eat cereal and watch cartoons.”