Hesitate

by Brooks, Anna

  God this morning.

  I wasn’t expecting her to be so humble and just apologize like that. I hoped she’d move on, that she’d understand, but she did better. She did it all, and she knew what it meant. If she’d have just climbed on and ridden me like I was available cock to drown her sorrows and distract her from the pain, I wouldn’t have let it happen. But when I opened my eyes and saw hers staring down at me, I knew, even though it took me a second to realize I wasn’t dreaming.

  I love that she’s so willing to just move on. It says a lot about how strong her feelings really are, and hopefully, she understands that mine are the same. I hated every second of being without her, but she needed it. I’m just glad she realized how good we are together.

  Sucks that I have to leave her at all today, but I need to set Danny straight and get his word that he’s going to leave Madeline out of whatever shit is a result of Connor getting taken from Allen.

  After a quick drive to the shady part of downtown, I park a block away from Danny’s lair. Keeping myself out of camera range, I disconnect his alarm system. By the time I make it up to his office and open his door unannounced, it’s been less than two minutes.

  His guards stand and reach for their guns, but Danny halts them. He looks over to the security panel and sees the green light, then smiles leerily. A man who holds so much power is dangerous. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?” He steeples his hands and sits up in his brown leather chair.

  I plant my feet and cross my arms, simply raising an eyebrow. He looks past me and lifts his chin at the men who are supposed to have his back. As soon as the door closes, I give it to him. “I need reassurances you’re gonna forget that Madeline McKenna exists.”

  He tilts his head. “Who?”

  “Now’s not the time to play games with me, Dakota. She’s innocent in all this, but more than that, she’s mine. So I need your assurances. Otherwise, we’re gonna have a big problem, and Brinley’s gonna lose one of her oldest and dearest friends because if Madeline gets hurt because of you, I’ll slit your fuckin’ throat.”

  He had a smug look on his face until that line. He and Brinley have an insanely tragic and utterly complex past that was a shock to all of us when we found out. She’s about the only person in the world who Danny actually gives a shit about, so bringing up her name is pretty much a death wish. But I’m also one of Brinley’s best friends, so he knows that if he touches me, it’ll upset her. And he would stab himself in the heart before he hurt her in any way. “Threats and me don’t get along very well, Q. I suggest you amend that statement and tell me why the fuck you’re here.”

  “I just did.”

  “Who the fuck is Madeline McKenna?”

  “Cut the shit.”

  He stands and walks around his desk, tucking his hands into his dress pants. “Bro, cut the bullshit. Ain’t nothin’ happening to you, so you can fuckin’ relax while you explain what the hell you’re talking about.”

  “You’re for real?”

  He sighs. “Why the fuck would I lie? I ain’t scared of you.”

  I do not have time for this shit. “Madeline McKenna. The teacher who called CPS on Allen White who went to his house to do a welfare check, who then ultimately alerted the authorities that there were drugs in the home. Drugs that they confiscated that were distributed from you.” I drop my arms and lean in. “Drugs that you didn’t get cash money for, but drugs that Allen White paid the price for in blood.”

  “I don’t know who Allen White is.” Liar. “But I can assure you that I have no desire to get my hands on a fucking teacher who called CPS on a bastard father. Kid’s better off without him.” He mumbles that last sentence, and there’s a flash of vulnerability in his voice. “I don’t give a fuck about a catalyst. All I care about is I’m paid what I’m owed by whoever owes it to me.”

  My fixed stare doesn’t waver and neither does his. He raises a brow, and I shake my head. “Fuck.” He’s telling the truth. It wasn’t his status quo that he’d target a goddamned elementary school teacher who had nothing to do with his business at all, either, which is what my suspicion was. But dammit, if it was him, it’d be so much easier. Now I need to figure out who the hell broke into her place. “Fuck.”

  “Fuck what?”

  “You didn’t send a man to her apartment last night?”

  “I don’t even know who you’re talking about, Q.”

  So there’s another threat out there. Is there a possibility that someone just broke into her place randomly? No. Not at all. This was a professional. He knew what he was doing, and whoever the fuck he is has me fooled. “Fuck!”

  “You need a beer, man? Scotch? Perhaps a strong whiskey?”

  I glare at Danny. “I need to go figure out whoever the hell it was who broke into my woman’s apartment last night.”

  “She hot?”

  “Shut up.”

  “I’d offer to help, but I don’t think you want to owe me a marker.”

  “For her, I would.”

  His brows shoot up. “You want me to wade in?”

  “No. I’ll take care of it.”

  “Offer stands.”

  “I get desperate and need your brand of help, I’ll take you up on it. Right now, all I ask—”

  He cuts me off. “You disarm my security system and bypass my guards and you’re asking me for favors?”

  “I’ll reset it when I leave,” I tell him condescendingly. “And I’m not asking a favor. I’m asking for courtesy. If you hear her name, let me know.”

  It takes a second before he nods. “That I can do, but only because this woman means something to you, and for whatever reason, you mean something to Brinley.”

  “Appreciate it.” I end that conversation there and do what I told him I’d do. I reset his alarm, but don’t hide from the cameras this time. No, as I’m walking back to my car, I wave at them.

  Chapter 17

  Madeline

  When I woke up from my nap, I hated that the bed was empty even though I felt so refreshed. I needed that sleep desperately. I found Q at his desk, typing away on his computer, glasses on and looking delicious as ever. He told me he’d already been out to grab more clothes from my apartment and discovered that the person Allen implied was after me, wasn’t actually after me. So whoever it was that broke into my apartment is a mystery.

  Fantastic.

  I’m sure it has something to do with my mother, probably someone else trying to get information for her since Q wouldn’t give her what she wanted. I’m so unbelievably thankful for him… for everything he’s done and is doing for me. It almost doesn’t seem real, my life right now, but it is, and all I want to do is live it. With Q. So hopefully he can do whatever he needs to get the guy so we can move on.

  We ordered Indian food for a late lunch, and after that, we simply cuddled on his couch. The movie we had on just ended, and when I go to push myself up, Q’s arm around my waist flexes. “My job relies a lot on instinct—reading people, studying their body language and tone of voice. When Roxy came into Royal, it wasn’t a shock. We deal with famous people all the time, although I will admit some of the younger guys giggled like schoolgirls.”

  “Q—”

  “No, I need to tell you. I have to explain where I was coming from before we take this further. I owe that to you, and I want to get it over with so we can move on from it.” He kisses the top of my head. “I know you think you know what I do, but my job is way more complex than installing a security system or digging into someone’s credit.”

  “No offense, but I kind of gathered that from everything that I’ve seen since yesterday.”

  He continues without acknowledging what I just said. “Every single job I get, I give it the upmost attention to detail, and your mom was no exception. When she was telling me that her relationship with her daughter was estranged and all she wanted was to find her so she could reconnect—”

  I can’t help it and laugh.

  “Glad
you can find humor in it, but I don’t think it’s the least bit funny.” I close my jaw and wait for him to finish. “There was something about her I didn’t like. Not personality, although I do believe she’s lacking in that, but her demeanor was all off. I chalked it up to her being nervous maybe, possibly self-conscious about people knowing who she is. It took me about five minutes to find your address, and if I would have done what she paid us for, I’d have called her and given it to her. I could have left it at that, but I kept digging for no particular reason other than that’s what I do.”

  “Q, you really don’t have to explain yourself. You already told me this when you came to see me after… when I…”

  He smirks. “When you what?”

  I can’t say it. That was so wrong of me to do to him. Especially because he’s the only man who’s ever made me feel the things he did. To imply that I was faking my orgasms with him was low; he was right about that. “I was hurt.”

  “I know you were.”

  “I never… with you. I never faked anything. I wanted more, actually.”

  His knuckle trails down my cheek. “I know you weren’t faking it, Madeline, and I know you were hurt. But that’s exactly why I want to explain this to you, even if some of it is repetitive, so you fully understand everything and there aren’t any misconceptions about where I’m at.”

  “Okay, explain away.”

  “So, something wasn’t adding up. Everything I found on you said you were running, not estranged from your mother because of a misunderstanding. When I came up with dead ends on you, I turned my attention to her. What I found there made my suspicions rise even further.”

  “What did you find on her?” I sit up, and he lets his arms fall. Turning so I’m facing him, I cross my legs so I’m able to see his facial expressions when he talks.

  He traces an invisible pattern on my calf. “Just shady shit. Debt, drugs, all sorts of stuff. It didn’t make sense that she’d want to reconnect after all these years when she wasn’t even stable. Usually if someone wants to find a loved one, it’s because they got their life straightened out. I’ll see improved credit scores, volunteer work, gym memberships, things like that, and your mom had none of that. And I don’t know exactly, but I swear, Madeline, I saw your picture, and I got this punch to my gut, and I couldn’t rest until I figured it out. I watched you for weeks before I gave your mom your address. I watched you and followed you, and I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you when you didn’t even know I existed.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “I finally gave her your address because I couldn’t find anything concrete. But as soon as she walked out of the building, I went to my boss and told him that something was up and I needed to make sure you were protected in case she tried to harm you in any way. Because it was my fault that she knew where you were.

  “I knew you were stubborn. I knew you needed a challenge, so I played every single card I could to get you to trust me. I know it’s fucked up, and I know you’re mad because I lied to you, but I swear to Christ I only did it to protect you. I never wanted to hurt you in any way, and I knew from the moment you put your hand in mine that I was fucked. I knew you were going to be hurt when you found out the truth, and I lived with that every day. But the worst thing was knowing that when I told you who I was, I was going to lose you.”

  He looks away from me, and I bring my hand to his face. “It’s okay, Q.”

  “My feelings weren’t fake. Making you come for me was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and as desperately as I wanted to be inside you, I couldn’t take us there until you knew who I really was. I wanted you to look into my eyes and know the real me.”

  “I know.”

  “I was scared that when the truth came out you wouldn’t want me and I was right; you didn’t want the real me.”

  The sheer emotion and vulnerability in his voice makes my eyes water. “I want you, Q. I was only protecting myself. You have to understand that.”

  “I do. And you have to understand that the absolute last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. If we go forward with this, which I really want to, I don’t want to constantly go back to that.”

  “We won’t.”

  “Good.” He kisses my palm, then intertwines our fingers. “Now, I have one other thing to tell you.”

  My heart skips a beat. “Oh man. What else can there possibly be?”

  “My family has a monthly dinner. And it’s tonight. I missed last month’s because I was with you and my mom won’t shut up about it.” I don’t say a word, and he chuckles. “I want you to come with me. Meet my family.”

  “What time?”

  He glances at the clock on the stove in his kitchen. “An hour…”

  I jump up and run down the hall, grabbing onto the doorjamb to his bathroom in order to skid to a stop. I plug in my curling iron and turn to run back out so I can get changed, and slam into him. “I take it you want to go?”

  “Yes.” I fight back tears, and his face softens. “Yes, I want to meet your family.”

  * * *

  “Aren’t you just beautiful?” His mom, Diana, hugs me and when she squeezes me tight, I imagine that’s what most mothers would do. I’ve never had that, and it hits me hard. I wasn’t expecting it to, and when I pull back, I pray the wetness I feel in my eyes isn’t visible.

  She doesn’t seem to notice, but Q does. He pulls me to his side and kisses my temple. “You’re okay, sweetheart.”

  Diana shoos us away. “Go, go, have a seat at the table. I’ll be right there.”

  “Do you need help carrying anything?”

  “No, I’m fine. Go get your father. Tessa should be here any minute.”

  Q leads me away, and I take in his childhood home as we walk out of the kitchen and go to the dining room. Beautiful hard wood floors, neutral walls, pictures all along the hallway, modern furniture and a large dining room table that’s set for six people.

  What I wouldn’t have given to have a house like this growing up.

  “Dad!” Q yelling makes me jump and he laughs. “Sorry.”

  “Be right there.”

  I tense when I hear him coming down the hall, and Q feels it. Again, he puts his lips by my ear. “It’s okay, Madeline.”

  “I know. It’s just guys…”

  He knows exactly what I’m talking about and why I’m so apprehensive about meeting new men. But when an older, chunkier, shorter version of Q walks into the dining room, he does nothing but smile. “How’d you get one so pretty?”

  “It’s the glasses. Chicks love ’em,” Q jokes. He’s actually been wearing them a little more around me, especially when he’s on his computer, and I can’t say that he’s wrong. There’s something sexy about it.

  As his dad gets closer, Q doesn’t let me go. He holds me closer, only allowing his dad to greet me with a handshake and not put me in a situation that might be uncomfortable by having to hug his father.

  I love this man so damn much.

  “Warren, nice to meet you, honey.” He holds his hand out, and I put mine in his. “Maddy. And same.”

  After he drops his arm, he takes a step back and tilts his head, his eyebrows drawing together. Shit. Q doesn’t see it, but I know it’s coming. I’ve seen that look one too many times, but luckily for me, his sister barges in. “Hi, sorry, sorry. It’s been a crazy day.” She hugs her father and walks to Q who drops his arm and then wraps both of them around his sister for a quick hug. “Hey, Q. And hi, Maddy. I’m Tessa. Glad you could come.” Then she plops down in her chair just as Diana comes in with a huge serving plate filled with chicken, potatoes, and a variety of veggies. There are already rolls on the table and everyone’s glasses filled with water.

  “Wow. That looks awesome.” Q nudges me forward and pulls out my chair so I’m sitting across from his sister. He lifts his chin at her. “Where’s Ed?”

  She frowns and sighs. “He wasn’t feeling well.”

  “Too bad. Make sure to bring home
a plate of leftovers for him,” Diana replies as she takes her seat.

  There’s small talk and light banter while everyone is dishing out their food. Q is nice enough to do mine for me, and I squeeze his thigh under the table in appreciation. He steals a quick peck on my cheek, and then everyone digs in.

  “Do I know you from somewhere?” his dad asks, and I almost spit out my food as Q tosses his head back and roars with laughter. “What? Why is that funny?”

  On top of constantly getting stared at, I’ve been asked that question a lot, and it’s always by men. And I’ve never once found humor in it. All it did was remind me of who my mother was because they were staring at me since I resemble her so much. Wondering why my face looks so familiar. And some of the men who would ask me that were men who I really didn’t want to think of masturbating to my mom getting fucked. My normal response is sheer mortification, but Q finding it so funny actually has me giggling.

  “Jeez, son, what’s the joke I’m missing?”

  Not that I think he would talk about how I probably look familiar because he’s seen my mother in porn, I still jump in because I don’t want Q to give anything away about who my mom is. I’m sure they’ll find out eventually, but right now, they’re judging me enough. I don’t need to get knocked to the bottom before I’ve even had a chance to get halfway up to the top. “I just get that a lot.” I dig my nails into Q’s thigh. “And I have a running tally of how many times it’s happened. Q and I were talking about it on the way here, so it’s ironically hilarious.” He places his palm over my fingers and rubs his thumb back and forth, soothing me and reassuring me that he gets it. That he gets me. He understands the way I’m feeling without me even having to say anything, and I can’t even express how beautiful that is.

  “Well, what’s your tally up to?” Warren asks with amusement.

  “You’re thirty-eight.”

  He nods, but as he stabs his fork into his pasta, his brows scrunch together like he’s still trying to figure it out. I just pray he never does.