Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  “Uno!” Phyllis yelled, and slammed her last card on the table.

  “Oh no,” Erdie whined in mock outrage while his daughter did a little victory dance around the table. He shot a glance at the clock on the wall.

  “I really should get going.” Erdie turned to Phyllis. “What do you say? Think you can hang with Luca for a while if I promise to hurry? Uncle Yasir could really use my help.”

  “What else do you have in there?” I poked a finger in the open little backpack, and Phyllis sat down next to me again.

  “You can go, Daddy,” she graciously dismissed him. “I’m going to show Luca my unicorn sticker book now.”

  Erdie got up and blew her an air kiss through his puckered lips while pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. “Can I get your number, in case of emergency?”

  “Sure.” I rattled off the numbers. Immediately, my cell phone rang in my room as he test-called me.

  “Now you also have mine, just in case. Thank you so much, Luca.” He waved in my direction before he headed for the floor, but then stopped again. “By the way…” He looked down and suddenly seemed nervous. “I wanted to stop by the cafeteria to see Rhashmi, but I forgot what days she’s there. Do you think I could give her a call sometime?”

  You’d make a certain Miss Rhashmi very happy, I thought. I was sure Rhashmi wouldn’t mind me giving out her number without her permission, considering how often she had asked me about him.

  31

  Two hours later, I was coloring unicorns with Phyllis when my phone rang. An unknown number appeared on the display, probably Erdie calling to check in.

  “Hello?”

  “Luca, is that you?” I heard a familiar voice ask, the purring sound of an engine in the background. “It’s me, Ben. Erdie told me Phyllis is with you. How’s it going?”

  At the sound of his voice, my heart beat faster. He talked as if nothing had ever happened between us. Suddenly, I felt like a radio host had put me on his live show.

  “Um, yeah, everything’s fine. We were playing, and now we’re coloring. She’s fine.”

  “Great, thanks for watching her. I’ll be home in a bit to take over.”

  A little dazed by the brief conversation, I returned to the kitchen table where Phyllis had just finished applying pink glitter on her unicorn.

  “Ben will be home any minute.”

  “Okay.” She answered without looking up.

  I stared at the display for a couple of minutes before I finally tapped on the recent calls icon. What had Ellen once said? Ben never gave a woman his number. But wasn’t it different for me? After all, I wasn’t one of his one-night stands. Mechanically, I typed in his name and saved it in my contact list. I officially had Ben’s number—a happy shiver trickled down my spine, but I tried not to think about it too much.

  Soon after, the door opened, and Ben came in. He gave Phyllis a kiss on the head. “Hi, Munchkin, are you good?” he asked in a soft voice and sank next to her into a chair.

  “Ben!” she shrieked and jumped onto his lap.

  “Hi,” he greeted me, friendly, but clearly reserved.

  Phyllis knelt on his lap and took his face in her little hands. “Luca played with me a lot. She’s so nice.”

  “Yes, she is,” he agreed. He glanced at me but quickly looked away. His hair was messy and wet, as if he’d come straight out of the shower.

  “Where is Daddy?”

  Ben rubbed her back. “He’s still stuck at Yasir’s shop. I’m supposed to drop you off. Your grandparents are there too, and they’ll take you over to your mom’s.”

  “Ben.” Phyllis sat on his lap and pulled her coloring book across the table. “What’s an IQ?”

  He paused in wonder. “An IQ? Where’d you hear that?”

  She looked at him, blinking. “Mommy told Daddy that today he has the IQ of fried chicken.”

  That made Ben snort. “Mommy didn’t mean that. I bet she was just mad at your dad.”

  “But what is an IQ?”

  “An IQ is a number that tells you how smart you are. The higher the number, the smarter you are,” he explained in a calm voice.

  Phyllis beamed. “Then I’m a Z.”

  I covered my mouth with one hand to hide my quiet laughter. Ben smiled too. She was adorable.

  “Something like that,” he finally agreed.

  I watched the two of them. Phyllis clearly loved Ben, and he adored her too. They seemed very comfortable with each other.

  “So,” he lifted her off his lap, “I’m gonna take you over to the store now to get you out of Luca’s hair.”

  “Oh, that’s okay,” I reassured him. “I had fun with Phyllis. I even beat her twice at Uno.”

  “Impossible,” he put both hands on his hips. “Nobody ever beats Phyllis at Uno.”

  “It’s true, she did.” The girl nodded.

  “It seems you, on the other hand, are the worst Uno player in the world; or so I’ve heard.”

  “You told Luca that?” he asked Phyllis and put one hand on his chest.

  “Yes.” She nodded again dead serious. “Don’t be sad, though. Daddy plays just as bad as you do.”

  “That’s a relief,” he muttered and stood. Taking Phyllis’ hand, they walked out of the kitchen, so I stood up, took her backpack and put her things in it, before I followed them to the door. All of the sudden, I felt nervous being this close to Ben. His self-confident charisma inhibited me; his mere presence filled the entire hallway. Next to him, I felt like a plump little hamster.

  “Your backpack, sweetie.”

  Phyllis looked up at me. “Can we play again sometime?”

  “Sure, we can.” I gave her a hug. “Bye.”

  Ben put one hand on the doorknob. “Would you... Would you like to join us?” He turned to me. “It’s not far. Just a few blocks away. A little evening stroll.”

  Our eyes melted together, and a swarm of butterflies fluttered in my stomach. Though I would have loved to say yes, I remained silent. Going with him would mean being alone with Ben on our way back, if he didn’t simply ditch me on the way, which was entirely possible. He didn’t want to be alone with me, as he had made clear to me all week. So why had he just invited me?

  “Yay!” Phyllis cheered, grabbing my hand. “You have to come too!”

  32

  We strolled leisurely down the street. It was still light outside, and the sun shone warmly on us. Phyllis was between us, each of us holding one hand. Lost in thought, I stared straight ahead, while Phyllis did all the talking.

  “Is Luca your wife?” she suddenly asked. Immediately, Ben’s back tense up suspiciously. Obviously, he didn’t consider me a candidate for that position.

  “No,” he replied curtly, shooting me a sideways glance which I deliberately ignored. Let him explain that one to her on his own.

  “Then why are you living together?”

  “Because we live in a dorm. That means the university decides who gets to share the apartment. It’s not up to us.” He stroked her hair. “Besides, you already promised to marry me when you grow up.”

  She hopped on one foot. “Yeah. But Timo from my kindergarten said that when I’m a grown-up, you’ll be really old and die soon, and then I won’t have a husband anymore if I marry you.”

  I burst out laughing at Ben’s alarmed look. Served him right. Mr. Nowak obviously got rejected every once in a while. My pity was limited.

  “Timo really said that? Looks like he and I need to talk. I won’t be all that old when you’re a grown-up.”

  “In their eyes, you will,” I declared, opening my mouth for the first time since we had left the house.

  Ben sighed. “There goes my fiancée.”

  “You poor thing. I’m sure you’ll meet Miss Right one day,” I soothed him. What would she look like, the right girl?

  “I highly doubt it,” he replied softly. Suddenly, Ben seemed so closed off that I didn’t dare ask any more questions. What was on his mind? A strange awkwardness
seemed to drape over us like a heavy coat, and we remained silent for the rest of the way until we reached a brightly lit storefront.

  “This is Yasir’s new grocery store,” Ben said. “Tomorrow is the grand opening, and the way Erdie sounded, they’ll have to pull an all-nighter to get everything ready. If you hadn’t helped with Phyllis, it would’ve been even worse.”

  “It was fun. I loved spending time with her.”

  We entered the store, and indeed, the place still resembled a construction site. I had my doubts about the opening tomorrow. Empty white shelves lined the walls. Two men were drilling holes to mount more of them, and there was a cloud of dust in the air. Towers of boxes and crates were piled everywhere. I discovered Erdie in the back of the store, inserting boards into the shelf brackets. When he spotted us, he came over. His black hair was coated in a layer of gray dust.

  “Hey. I hope Phyllis wasn’t too much trouble.”

  “No, she was a good girl,” I assured him, when I was interrupted by a deafening noise. The two men were drilling into the wall with a high-pitched grinding screech.

  Phyllis covered her ears and yelled, “Too loud!”

  When the noise finally stopped, Erdie turned around. “Cengiz, Yasir, come here a minute. I want you to meet Luca.”

  The two came over. They looked just like Erdie; three huge bears.

  “Hey, sweetie.” They greeted Phyllis, who was hopping towards them, then said hi to me and patted Ben on the shoulder.

  “You’ve got a lot to do before tomorrow,” Ben said to Yasir, who crossed his arms, his muscles bulging like a bodybuilder’s.

  “We’re behind schedule, but we’ll get it done.”

  “Are you sure you don’t need another hand?”

  Cengiz shook his head. “No, it’s alright. With your bad knee, this isn’t for you.” Then he turned to me and remarked, “But Phyllis found herself a really pretty babysitter.” He winked. “Makes you want to be a kid again.”

  “And color unicorns with me?” I said, laughing.

  “That too.” He raised his left hand and pointed to a golden wedding band. “Unfortunately, I’m already taken.” Then he elbowed Ben in the ribs. “She’d be a great match for you, though,” he said, as if I wasn’t even there.

  Ben’s jaw tensed, and he ran his hand through his hair uncomfortably. I’d never seen him like that. This family was truly merciless.

  “Stop trying to hook me up all the time,” he snapped at them.

  “Calm down,” Cengiz replied, unfazed.

  “If you just stand around chatting, you’ll never get finished.” Erdie reminded his brothers, waving his hands as if he were shaking out a dust rag, whereupon the two of them went back to their work.

  “Bye, Luca.” They waved.

  “Your brothers talk way too much.” Ben frowned.

  “You’d better get a move on, or you’ll be single forever,” Erdie replied drily. He opened his mouth to say something else, but Ben inconspicuously shook his head.

  Ridiculous. He could keep his secret stuff to himself. I wasn’t even remotely interested, no, really not. Not one single bit.

  “You know the crossword clue for life sentence, right? 8 letters?” Ben went on.

  Erdie grinned broadly. “Marriage.”

  Oh, God. I rolled my eyes. Some men were certainly better off staying single, really.

  “Phyllis,” I heard someone call from behind us as an elderly couple entered the room.

  “Babaanne.” Cheered the little girl as she jumped into the lady’s arms.

  “How are you, sweetie?” she asked.

  “Luca’s been playing with me all afternoon.”

  The woman gave me a warm glance.

  “Luca, meet Nursel and Cemal Dirim, Erdie’s parents,” Ben introduced them. “This is Luca; my roommate,” he quickly added, as if he were afraid they’d make the ridiculous mistake of thinking I was his new flavor of the month. He was really starting to annoy me. By now, even I had gotten the message that I was not girlfriend material. For my sake, he didn’t have to explain it to everyone around him all the time.

  “We get it,” I said under my breath. “Even I got it, don’t worry. Relax.”

  His eyes narrowed, but he didn’t say anything back.

  “Hello, Luca.” Erdie’s parents shook my hand, then Erdie’s father yelled something and rushed towards his sons. He pointed at the wall, gesticulating with both hands in the air, while he gave them a lengthy speech in Turkish.

  “They screwed up,” Erdie said, matter-of-factly.

  “Ben.” Mrs. Dirim took his hands and inspected him. “It’s so good to see you. You haven’t been around much, lately.”

  He kissed her on the cheek. “Hi, Nursel, I’m very busy right now, sorry.”

  “Erdal,” Mrs. Dirim went on sternly, “Why haven’t you offered our guests anything? Don’t you have mocha in the back? What is Luca going to think of us? Why does Allah punish me with such a bunch of impolite sons?”

  Erdie rubbed the dust from his hair, releasing a gray cloud. “We’re working.”

  His mom didn’t accept that. “Go on, go.” She shooed him towards the back while I watched in amusement as this six-foot-tall guy obeyed the petite woman.

  “I’m going, I’m going.” Grumbling, he disappeared behind a curtain, and the next thing I knew, Yasir was shouting: “Ben, can you hold this for a second?”

  Ben went over to help. Their every hand movement was being critically watched by Phyllis, who offered them non-stop advice. They endured her commentary without a flinch.

  Mrs. Dirim winked at me, little wrinkles materializing around her dark brown eyes. “We’re a bit chaotic, but when needed, we help each other and always get things done.”

  I smiled. “I love big families. I don’t have siblings, but I always wished I did.”

  “Siblings are for life.” She nodded, righting her pale blue hijab. “It’s sad to think you’re by yourself. Ben doesn’t have any siblings either.” She looked at him wistfully. He was still standing at the wall, helping Yasir. “He is like a son to me, and my sons are like his brothers. He’s family.”

  I swallowed. “That sounds nice.”

  “Ben’s very dear to me,” she said thoughtfully. “He’s a good boy, but he just can’t love himself.” There was concern in her voice. “He’s a tormented soul.”

  “Why?” I had always assumed that Ben loved only one person: himself.

  “Oh, güzelim,” she sighed, patting me on the cheek. “He’ll have to tell you himself.”

  Erdie came back bearing a tray of small, steaming gold-rimmed cups.

  “Hurry up,” his mother urged him.

  “She’s like a general.” He handed me a cup. “Caution, hot.”

  “Somebody’s got to teach you manners,” his mother replied unimpressed and claimed a cup for herself. “I don’t want to get in trouble with my daughters-in-law.” She gave him a scowl. “One has already left.”

  “Would you please cut it out, mom?” Erdie seemed annoyed and rubbed his forehead.

  Ben returned and helped himself to a cup. “You don’t dare mess with Nursel.”

  “That’s right.” She pinched him in the side. “It’s obvious I didn’t raise you.”

  We all laughed. I’d never had much of a family life, but this was exactly like I’d imagined it.

  Ben turned to me. “Don’t drink all of it. The last sip is only coffee grounds. You don’t want to drink that.”

  “Okay.” I carefully tried the hot, sweet drink. The mocha tasted wonderful; strong, with a fine coffee aroma. As Ben had recommended, I left the dregs in the cup, but, I still felt a little powder on my tongue that left an earthy taste in my mouth.

  “I got some.” I rubbed the tip of my tongue against the roof of my mouth.

  “You’ve got a little coffee...” Ben wiped my upper lip with his thumb, and I felt myself blush. The sensation of his touch still lingered, and my upper lip burned a little. This time h
e didn’t avoid my gaze but looked me straight in the eyes. The moment lasted for an eternity.

  “Oh,” I finally said and turned, when he made no effort to look away. Mrs. Dirim was watching us.

  “We should go, we’re keeping everyone here from working.” Ben pointed his chin at the door and gave Erdie’s mother a kiss on the cheek. She whispered something in his ear that made him shake his head vigorously. But Mrs. Dirim grabbed him by his jacket and pulled him closer. “You’ll see,” she said insistently.

  I would have given anything to know what she had said to him, but Ben was suddenly in a hurry to get out of here.

  33

  Silently, we walked back through the now dark streets, the soft halo of the street lamps lit our way.

  “Do you really think they’ll have everything ready by tomorrow?” I asked to start a conversation, because Ben seemed absent.

  “Sure. They’ve got a few more people coming over later on. They’ll get it done.”

  We strolled so close together that our arms almost touched, which made me tingly and nervous.

  “Phyllis is so cute. You’re really good with kids.” I wonder what was on Ben’s mind.

  “Phyllis has us all wrapped around her little finger.” He smiled. “I’ve known her since she was born. I’ve looked after her since she was a baby, changed her diapers, and warmed up her bottles.”

  “You really did all of that?”

  He nodded. “Of course.”

  “Erdie must have been really young when he became a dad.” I looked at him from the side. He seemed relaxed now.

  “He was seventeen when Hanna became pregnant. They’d been together for six months.” Ben ran his fingers through his unruly hair. “She was desperate and about to get an abortion. But Erdie convinced her not to do it, promised he’d support her and that she wouldn’t be alone. I told them they could count on me if they needed me. They were in a very difficult situation, but in the end, she had the baby. When I saw Phyllis for the first time in the hospital though, I almost ran.”

  I stopped in my tracks. “Why?”