Blank Canvas

by Coopmans, Kathy

  The answer silently dances on my lips. I’ve had thousands of patients I’ve wanted to help. Some I have. None of them have knocked me square on my ass, or visit often in my dreams, pull me to them in the way she has.

  “Why not you? I’m offering you a job, a place to live. It’s the next stepping-stone to continue moving forward in your life. People are brought into one another’s lives for a reason, Amelia. Some figure out that reason quickly; others don’t. I do know this; you are not a charity case. I haven’t done any of this out of pity. I just… I don’t know why. Maybe we can figure it out together.”

  “Can I have some time to think about it, Zeke?” she blurts out. Eyes as wide as saucers and biting her lip. God, that drives me insane. I would never take from her, not like those sick motherfuckers did. If anything happens between her and me, it will come from her. I’ll tamp everything down to make sure this woman gains back every ounce of confidence that has been stolen from her in the most brutal of ways. That includes finding these sick fucks and having them killed. Tortured. And them wishing to God they never laid a hand on her.

  I reach over, stopping the movement of her fingers tapping on her leg. It’s a friendly gesture with no promise of anything else. I want her to feel comfortable around me. Not nervous. There’s something about the way she turns up her hand, her palm resting flat underneath mine that jolts me backward.

  I’m not a sentimental guy. Never had anyone to be that way for. The words I’ve spoken to Amelia today came straight from my heart. But this, the current flowing through my body like a sizzling electrical wire about ready to start flying all over the place, it answers her question of ‘why her.' There’s a connection here. One that needs to be figured out.

  “Of course, I’ll never push you into anything. Think about it. See if it’s a right fit for you. And even if you don’t think it’s a good idea for you in this time of your life, always know I’m here for you wherever you are.”

  “Thank you, Zeke.” She stands. Our connection is gone instantly.

  “You’re welcome. Thank you, too, Amelia. For trusting me with something that had to be hard for you to relive.”

  She smiles tightly, walks to the door, while I remain sitting in this chair missing her already.

  “Have a good day, Amelia.”

  Son of a bitch. I had no idea how draining that conversation would be. Of course, my old tendencies of wanting to save the day busted right through. Watching Amelia as she told me everything wrecked me. I noticed she didn’t tell me about the abortion and the bullshit lie they told her about being sterile. Either she didn’t find it relevant, or it’s something she didn’t want to share. I can’t quite figure that one out. All I know for sure is, it was bad enough hearing what they did to her the first time when listening in on one of her sessions with Ronan, but sitting in front of her hearing the words tumble from her lips was so much worse. We are going to find them and send them straight to hell.

  Part of me wants to pound my chest knowing the fact she trusts me enough to tell me all of it. I can only hope she believed me when I said everyone has skeletons in their closet. I know mine is Goddamn full.

  “Can I have my office back, doctor?” Ronan walks in taking his seat behind his desk.

  Time to offer an apology. The lines of professionalism were crossed.

  “Ronan, sorry for bursting in and not talking to you first.”

  He picks up a ballpoint pen from his desk and begins twirling it. “Apology accepted. However, I’m not letting Amelia walk out of her without knowing more.”

  “Understood.” I nod then rest my elbows on the top of my legs. “I know the transition process can be the part where most patients have a relapse. I have space at my house and a job for her.”

  “And your intentions?”

  All my anger from what those bastards did to her boils over. It flows out of my veins as fast as a rapidly rising river. I bite the inside of my cheek until I taste blood. This motherfucker is pushing me. Of course, he’d be worried about my intentions. Fuck, anyone with common sense would be. There’s no way I can find the words to explain the pull and tug I feel with Amelia. It has the potential to warp into a poisonous relationship, but the thing about me is, Amelia’s health will always be a priority. Even if I’m only lucky enough to be her friend and watch her bloom.

  “A friend helping another friend.” My answer is right to the point and precise and the God’s honest truth.

  “Ronan, quit beating around the bush and ask me the question we both know you want to ask.” He doesn’t say a word. I can see his mind working. His brain is working away, tapping on his skull. I’d be disappointed in him if he didn’t ask. It’s the trying to analyze my intentions that’s pissing me off. He should know me better than this.

  “I’m not going to ask either one of you what was discussed in here. It’s clear as the sky is blue that you two have a connection. But I’m warning you. She’s not as close to being healed as she thinks. You prepared to help her fight her demons? Her living with you isn’t going to be easy, Zeke. It’s going to be hell.”

  I contemplate my answer. I’m far from dumb. I know, and so does he.

  “I care about her. I’m not going to make her do a Goddamn thing she doesn’t want to do. I would think that everything I’ve done for her would be proof enough that she means something to me. But I’m a man of my word. A man of honor. The same as you, Ronan. And men like us do not take advantage of a woman like Amelia. They help them. No matter how hard it is. Let me ease your mind. She’ll basically have a wing of my house to herself and a job to occupy her time. There’s a gym right down the road from me. I have extra cars she can use when and if she decides to get her driver's license to go to her weekly meetings, shopping, visit her friends. She can do whatever the hell she wants except go back on the streets. I refuse to let that happen. Amelia will be living her own life. The streets have done enough damage to this woman, and there’s no way in hell I want her to ever have a sliver of a chance to going back to them.” It was wrong of me to throw all the money I’ve dished out to save her. I shouldn’t have to explain my intentions to him or anyone else except Amelia. My intentions are not to take, they’re simply to give. To figure out what in the hell is happening between her and me. That’s something that I won’t discuss, not with him.

  He relaxes back in his fancy office chair. “Got it, Zeke. If she chooses this, then promise me you’ll take care of her, and if things get to be too much, you’ll call me. I’ll be there in a heartbeat. Or someone will come in my place. Let her find her own way. Don’t coddle her, baby her, or make decisions for her. She needs to do things on her own. In her own time and pace.”

  That’s a promise I can make. With a nod of my head, I stand, head for the door, and stop when he calls out my name.

  “Hey, Zeke.”

  I turn to see Ronan with a smirk on his face. “Amelia loves art. I catch her staring at the paintings on the walls all the time. There’s something about the spark in her eye when she looks at them. And she may have said she loved to paint when she was younger. Just a suspicion.”

  “Thanks.” I nod then walk out the front doors knowing exactly how I’ll spend my time doing while waiting for Amelia’s answer.

  13

  Amelia

  I place my fingers up to my mouth, tracing the outline of my smile as I exit Ronan’s office. I walk down the hall, and once I’m far enough out of sight, I rest my back against the wall around the corner. My hands are clutching my chest, feeling the rapid beat of my heart. The promise of a permanent smile lingers across my once marred up face. There’s so much to think about that I don’t know where to begin.

  The impulsive part of me wants to jump on the chance. The addict in me knows this could all go bad in the blink of an eye. Zeke could be my new addiction. I could lean on him and expect things from him, and with every frayed fiber of my life I have woven back together I firmly believe I won’t. I need to do this on my own. To discover
myself. To follow through with one goal in mind and that is to love the woman I am.

  This decision is going to take time and should be thought out. The pros and the cons and all that comes with them. Me, I must be at the center of it all accepting the consequences and perks of it. Or I could say to hell with it, fly by the seat of my pants and take the job, a place to live, and eventually go from there.

  I need Renee. She’ll listen to me. Let me talk it out and give me the advice I need to figure this out. I push off the wall, calm my heart, and make my way to the kitchen. My intentions are to come out with it, blurt out the proposition Zeke gave me.

  “It’s not a proposition, Amelia, it’s an opportunity. A new life,” I tell myself.

  Instead, when I enter her domain, I begin helping her by rolling cookie dough into walnut-sized balls, my smile still lingering on my face. Renee is rattling on about all the stuff that needs to be baked before tonight. She always prepares food ahead. The woman is a type A personality to a T. I wonder if Ronan has analyzed that? The thought makes me laugh out loud.

  “What’s so damn funny?” Renee elbows me playfully.

  “Nothing.”

  “Okay, spill, girl. You’ve been in here for fifteen minutes with a big smile on your face. Your cheeks are flushed; your eyes are shining brightly. If I didn’t know any better, I would say you're thinking about a guy.” She knocks the cookie dough right from my hand, making me focus on her.

  I should have known better. Renee reads me like an open book. It’s comforting knowing that I’ll never be able to hide anything from her. She’s not nosey with the intention of talking behind my back or judging me. Nope, she’s concerned like a mother should be.

  I take in a deep breath and then let it all out. I tell her everything about the conversation Zeke and I had, not leaving out one single detail. Not even the part about how I feel when I’m around him. The thoughts of him being my first real kiss, or the possibility of him taking me out on a date. I know it’s silly, but the dreamy woman in me can’t seem to help myself from saying what I feel.

  In all my time spent here in the kitchen with Renee, I’ve never seen her stop working until now. She relaxes back against the counter with a pleased look on her face.

  “What?” I throw my arms up.

  “Do it.”

  “Excuse me?” Did she not hear what I said? I need time.

  “He’s offering you a safe place to start your new life. It’s clear he cares about you as a friend. It sounds like a great starting point to me.” She lingers a little longer on the word ‘friend,’ which knowing her like I do, I won’t be leaving this kitchen until she’s had her say about me not only taking this opportunity but also the mixed feelings stirring inside of me.

  “I have nothing and made it clear I’m not going to be a charity research project.” I plop down onto a stool. Frustrated. “I mean, I’m just going to move in with a gym bag with three outfits in it and nothing else.” I follow her lead, going with what’s really important here. I don’t have a thing to my name. No money. No means. And I’m definitely not taking anything more from Zeke. Not without earning it.

  “Sweetie, the fact is, you have to start somewhere. You have an amazing support system around you right now. Why not utilize it?”

  I shrug trying to process her words.

  “I don’t have many regrets in life, Amelia. I always wanted to have kids, but God had other plans for me. It’s as if my heart has always had a missing piece to it, but I’ve learned over the years I was put on this earth for other things. What if this is your other thing? You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

  “What are we trying?” Zoe bounds in butting into our conversation.

  I swear these two women first pitied me and the lack of support and family I had to lean on while in here, but it’s changed into so much more. They’ve become my family.

  Renee spills the story, leaving out my tumultuous feelings for Zeke, thank God. I literally watch Zoe swoon and dance in excitement. Sometimes her girly reactions are just a bit too much, but I love her all the same.

  “Do it,” Zoe repeats over and over. “I’ve been so worried about your next step in life. You deserve this opportunity, Amelia.”

  Zoe has told me several times that her door would be wide open to me if her living circumstances were different. I’ve never dug for more information knowing if she needs someone to talk to she’d come to me.

  “I’m off in an hour,” Renee announces with finality in her tone. “I’m taking you shopping. And before you say a damn word or protest, Amelia, let me do this for you. Even if I have to guilt trip you, I’m doing it.”

  “Renee,” I warn.

  “I’ve never had children of my own. Shopping for a little girl has always been a dream of mine.” She’s overdoing it, and it’s quite comical.

  “For one, I’m not a little girl. I’ve put on quite a bit of weight thanks to the two of you.” She raises her hand and cuts me off by placing it over my mouth.

  “No, you are not a little girl. You are a beautiful young woman with a bright future ahead of her, and if I can help send you off with the confidence you deserve, then don’t you dare deny me. Besides, I’m the one who taught you how to cook and bake. You owe me.” My mouth hangs open when she drops her hand. The little guilt trip conniver.

  “Fine. We can go shopping for a few things.” I put extra emphasis on the word ‘few.’

  “I’m in,” Zoe invites herself. Which is fine, but I still wanted to talk to Renee about Zeke. Something tells me that she wants me to make up my own mind when it comes to him.

  And that’s exactly how I find myself in the middle of Target. A store that has everything.

  “I’m here. Are you happy?” I look over to a smiling Renee. “I said yes to shopping, but I still need to think about moving in with Zeke.”

  “What’s there to think about? The man wants to help you out. It’s nothing different than what we’re doing here.” Zoe loops one of her arms in mine, guiding us to the women’s section.

  “He’s a man. A very hot-looking man, and I…I’m not sure it’s the best route for me to take by living with him.” They are both ignoring me. Not helping me make my decision at all. They seem to believe I’ve already made up my mind by the way they are looking at flowy dresses and bright-colored shirts. Beautiful bras and panties.

  It’s very overwhelming being surrounded by friends and smack center in racks of clothes. My fingers tingle from all the fidgeting, and I have to focus on breathing to fight the impending panic attack. I honestly have no idea where to start in a place like this.

  Zoe doesn’t flinch or even think twice before she’s pulling clothes off the racks. Renee relaxes watching the two of us with a huge grin on her face. God, it feels fucking amazing to have a woman like her in my life. A breath of fresh air giving me strength to take the next steps in life.

  “Off to the dressing room you go.” Zoe whirls me around with her free hand and then pushes me in the direction of a row of rooms.

  “I’m sure they’ll fit,” I try to protest.

  “Nope, you’re giving us our Pretty Woman moment, Amelia,” Zoe remarks, while Renee opens the door then helps Zoe push me in. I lay my head against the door. My breathing starts to become erratic and my heart is ready to jump out of my chest. I don’t think Zoe realizes that Julia Roberts was a prostitute in Pretty Woman. “It was a simple expression of words. She didn’t mean anything by it. Don’t ruin this fun you're having, Amelia,” I whisper.

  “We want to see every single outfit,” Renee says, reminding me they are still waiting outside the door.

  “Especially that flowy periwinkle dress,” Zoe chirps.

  I run the pad of my fingers over the material of clothes, feeling my heart warm. I dress quickly in a pair of skinny jeans and a peach top that fits me perfectly. I take a moment to stare at myself in the mirror. “Wow. I don’t recognize the woman in front of me.” I smile and open the door before the two b
ust in on me.

  “What do you think?” I raise my arms out to the side and do a little twirl.

  “Those jeans. My God, your legs are fabulous, Amelia. And your ass, all that basketball, squats, and jogging has paid off. You are beautiful, Amelia.”

  I know exactly what Zoe is referring to. I’ve gained weight while in therapy, but have also toned up working out. I’ve become addicted to pushing my body to the brink of the edge.

  “Okay, we need two more pairs of those in different colors.” Renee winks at me. “Off you go.”

  I follow orders perfectly, going back into the dressing room and digging through the pile of clothes. A bikini? I didn’t see that sneaky little shit pick this skimpy number out. There’s no way in hell I’ll be trying it on and then modeling for them. I don’t need one, period.

  I go for the dress Zoe insisted on, sliding the soft material up over my hips and then squeezing the girls in. I don’t cringe anymore seeing my bare skin, nor do I get the urge to have sex finding the next high. I’ve grown comfortable in my own skin, which is something I thought I’d never be able to do. It’s all because of him.

  Zeke could’ve turned his back after he had me stable in the hospital, but he didn’t stop there. He gave me the window to change. And I know he’s the reason why the police haven’t been around. Why would they anyway? I’m homeless. Homeless people are beaten up all the time. And now he’s offering me so much more. There hasn’t been one time where I’ve had an inkling of him having ulterior motives. And that’s what has me nervous. I’ve always been used for something, and to have someone walk into my life for the fact of just being there for me is foreign.

  The sound of the door creaking open has both women turning their heads to look at me. Renee has tears welling up in her eyes.

  “Don’t you dare.” I point at her. “I’ve come a long way. Gushy emotions I’m not going to deal well with.”

  “It’s just dust.” She brushes at her eyes, while I roll mine. “You’d think this store would have a better ventilation system.”