Salvaged

by Jay Crownover

  “I don’t know that she understood what marrying a man just like Dad really meant, Salem.” I stuck a cold french fry in my mouth and cocked my head to the side as she narrowed her eyes even more at me. “Her parents were hardly any different. Grandpa married Grandma so he could stay in the country just like Dad married mom so he would look respectable and upstanding. Grandpa was never faithful, never kind, and his expectations of Grandma were outrageous and impossible. He ruled with an iron fist just like our dad did and there was no love lost in that home. She found a man exactly like her father, so maybe she expected her daughter to do the same thing. It’s a vicious cycle, one that I’ve learned isn’t all that uncommon.” That was something that was a recurring theme in my group sessions: abuse was a vicious cycle, one that was hard to break even when you recognized the fact you were repeating dangerous patterns. “She’s as much of a victim as I am.”

  “Survivor, Poppy. You are a survivor, not a victim.” She was so adamant that I had to smile at her. She was always there to remind me to keep going, refusing to let me give up.

  I chomped on another fry and lifted an eyebrow at her. “Mom could be a survivor too, if someone helped show her that there was a better way to live. I refuse to believe that anyone is beyond saving. You wouldn’t let me waste away in a bad place and I’m not sure I’m the type of person that can let Mom.”

  She sighed and tapped her long nails on the side of her glass. “Fine, you do what you think you have to, but you promise me right now that if she doesn’t want your help, if she digs her heels in and unwaveringly stands by Dad, you back off. I won’t let them drag you back into their house of misery and there is no way in hell Rowdy will let either of them mess up the lives we’ve built here in Denver. He’s protective of the present and resents the hell out of the past. I can’t say I blame him.”

  I nodded at the waitress who stopped by and asked to take my plate, ansd then I chuckled when Salem ordered two different desserts. She rolled her eyes at me and told me she expected me to share both. She’d always had a sweet tooth; I wasn’t surprised pregnancy had made her insatiable.

  I wasn’t fond of the past either but it held painful lessons that I had to learn in order to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again. The past brought me to my present, which was actually the reason I’d eagerly agreed to lunch with Salem when she called and told me she had a doctor’s appointment, so she was only working half a day at the tattoo shop and wanted to get together. It was easier to be around her now that, sitting on Wheeler’s lap, I’d unburdened myself and all my guilty envy about others that I loved being pregnant. It was so freeing to share, like a giant weight had been lifted off me. Explaining the confusing mix of joyous and envious feelings to someone that was expecting a baby had helped more than months of therapy. He wasn’t mad that I both resented and reveled in his good fortune. He was heartbreakingly understanding and unendingly considerate … like he always was.

  That understanding, and his words after I told him everything, were the reason I was beyond ready to take our relationship to the next level. I’d lost count of the number of thought-stealing, body-racking orgasms he’d given me, and while I cherished every single one, I wanted more. I wanted every line of that long, lean body on top of mine. I wanted to rub myself all across that tattooed skin. I wanted that bulge that filled out the front of his underwear and pressed insistently against me inside of my body. I wanted to ride him and feel him until I couldn’t see straight. But more than any of that, I wanted to give him back a fraction of all the things he’d given me. I was ready to be an active participant. I just couldn’t figure out the right way to communicate to him that I was ready for the next step. He was careful with me, so mindful, and while I appreciated it, I was ready for him to throw caution to the wind and treat me like he would any other woman that was spending a significant amount of time in his bed. I wanted this relationship to be real in all ways.

  I tried telling him without words, I used my hands and my mouth, greedy with the way I touched him and tasted him, but he always stopped. We were so close to crossing the inevitable line that would launch us from being something casual into something serious and significant. He told me we had time, that he wasn’t going anywhere, but that didn’t stop my insides from feeling empty and lust from making me edgy and unsatisfied no matter how skilled he was with his hands and his mouth. I wanted all of him, not just the parts that he deemed safe and harmless.

  I cleared my throat and reached for my glass of water as Salem’s sharp gaze shifted from the decadent-looking cheesecake and towering carrot cake that were placed in front of her. She handed me a spoon and lifted a raven-colored eyebrow at me as she waited for me to find the words that were having a hard time situating themselves on my tongue.

  “About the present …” I could feel a fiery blush work its way up my throat and across my cheeks. “You know I’ve been spending a lot of time with Wheeler the last few weeks.”

  She nodded and scooped a spoonful of cake into her mouth. She moaned in pleasure and gave me a grin. “I couldn’t be more thrilled. Rowdy gives him his stamp of approval, even with the baby mama in the picture.”

  The fact that Rowdy liked Wheeler was also a check mark in the plus category in my books, but the truth was, I was so far gone over the moody mechanic that even if Rowdy didn’t approve I would still be trying to figure out a way inside Wheeler’s cuffed and faded jeans.

  “Well, things are going … good.” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as she set the spoon down, propped her elbow on the table, and rested her chin on her hand.

  She fluttered her obnoxiously long eyelashes at me and purred, “Do tell.”

  I traced the condensation on the outside of the glass in front of me with a fingertip and avoided her probing gaze. “He’s sweet. He’s patient. He’s stupidly hot.” I sighed and couldn’t keep the wistful, dreamy quality out of it. “I like him, way more than like him, and most importantly, I like the way he is with me, but …”

  She tapped her fingers on the side of her face and her ruby-red lips split into a blinding smile. “But him being a nice guy in the bedroom is getting old?”

  That surprised a laugh out of me and I nodded solemnly. “I never thought I would say it, but yeah. He’s been giving me time to get used to him, and I adore him for that, but I feel like I’m all broken in now. I don’t want him to think he’s in bed with a victim. I want him to know he’s with a survivor.”

  My sister’s smile grew and she turned back to her double dessert. “So show him that’s what you are. Don’t wait for him to figure it out. Seduce him, show him that you’re ready for the next step.”

  I leaned back a little and put my hand to my racing heart. “I don’t want to seem desperate.”

  She snorted again and tossed some of her long, glossy hair over her shoulder. “Poppy, when there is a good man in your life, one you want to keep there, it isn’t desperation to go out of your way to make sure he knows he matters to you.” She pointed her frosting-covered spoon at me and told me with humor threaded throughout her tone, “We’ve all been there. All of us.”

  On the hand not holding the spoon she started ticking off examples on her fingers. “Shaw got drunk and jumped Rule on her birthday. Ayden showed up at one of Jet’s shows with another guy on Valentine’s Day. Cora showed up unannounced at Rome’s and pounced on him when he got out of the shower and ended up knocked up. Saint promised Nash ten minutes to rock his world. I packed up my entire life and moved across the country for a boy I hadn’t seen in years because I was sure he was the one, and Royal showed up at Asa’s in the middle of the night wearing nothing but an overcoat.” She wiggled her eyebrows up and down suggestively, which made me laugh as she kept going. “You know Sayer had ulterior motives when she offered to help Zeb paint that old house he was working on, and last but not least Avett took a header off a freaking cliff knowing good and well Quaid was going to have to jump after her crazy ass. You were there when Dixie
climbed on the back of Church’s bike even though she was scared to death after what happened to her dad. All the women I know that landed a good man had to give them a little push in the right direction at one point or another. Sometimes it takes a nudge to get the knight in shining armor to drop his shield.”

  I felt my mouth drop open in a small “oh” of surprise. Her recounting of our friends’ exploits was incredibly eye-opening. They were the strongest, most well-loved women I had ever met, and if they could make a move and be none the worse for wear after, then I should be able to as well. “And honestly, those dimples. Come on, how is that even fair to anyone with a vagina? I can’t believe you’ve behaved yourself this long with that kind of temptation close enough to lick.”

  We shared a laugh that had the tables next to us giving us questioning looks but Salem just smiled at the other diners and gave them an outrageous wink.

  I finally picked up a spoon and dug into the still-untouched cheesecake. “What can I say, good things come to those who wait.” At least I hoped they did because as of tonight I was done waiting. I was going to move him where I wanted him, the same way he always seemed to be moving me. But I was sure as hell was planning on touching him to get him where I wanted him.

  When I got home, I wandered around my apartment for a solid hour trying to figure out exactly how I could plan a night of seduction when Wheeler came over after work. I cleaned the place up, dug out some really sad-looking candles I had just in case of emergencies, turned to my old standby Pinterest in search of ideas for making my bedroom something romantic and attractive rather than a place where demons chased me in the dark. All of it felt off and way too forced. Even if I set the mood in my apartment, it wasn’t like I owned anything sultry and seductive that would work as a flashing, light-up sign saying DO ME NOW! All I had was my regular sleepwear that covered me from wrists to ankles and he’d had no problem keeping his basic urges in check when I curled up next to him wearing it.

  It all felt like I was setting some kind of sexual trap, like I was trying to lure him into something he might not actually want, no matter how insistent he was that he was simply waiting for the right time to seal the deal.

  Frustrated and feeling foolish, I decided I needed to approach this situation with the stark honesty and surprising fearlessness that only he brought out in me. I stopped by Dixie’s since she was back home for a few days and asked her to watch Happy for me. She asked what was going on and when I would be back to pick up the furry handful, and when I stammered and turned neon pink, she had her answer before I got the words out. It was super awkward considering Wheeler had put a ring on her sister’s finger not too long ago, but Dixie, being the bighearted, smart woman that she was, didn’t seem fazed by my request or the conclusions she drew from it.

  It only took a few minutes to get to LoDo and a few more for me to screw up my courage to tell him what I wanted to say. I took a minute to brace myself and wished that I had taken the time to put more effort into my appearance before showing up to proposition him like some kind of crazy woman. I was asking him to put the protective armor down but I felt like I needed a little bit of my own to get through this.

  Fluffing my loose hair and slicking on a coat of the clear ChapStick that was in the bottom of my purse was the best I could do. It didn’t make me feel invincible by any stretch of the imagination but it helped.

  I climbed out of the car and made my way to the steps and the heavy metal door that led to the inside of the garage. Several of the bays were open out into the street, so I knew Wheeler still had a full crew at work for the day. The noise inside the building was almost deafening. Grinders, air hoses, engines revving, and loud music blaring over hidden speakers. The chaos was actually calming and so was the smile that lit up Wheeler’s face and the light that brightened his pale eyes when he caught sight of me hovering uncertainly by the door. One of his guys put his fingers in his mouth and let out a shrill whistle that had all heads turning in my direction as he hollered out, “Boss, your lady is here!”

  I’d been by the garage several times to pick up the dog and to drop food off when Wheeler had to work late, but I didn’t stop to think that the guys would pick up on my presence in their boss’s life. I was a little shocked that other people realized I was his when I had only recently come to that conclusion myself.

  “I can see that, Derek. Take it down a notch so you don’t scare her off before I can kiss her hello.” He walked toward me with that easy swagger that was all Wheeler, like he knew exactly where he was headed and he had all the time in the world to get there. Nothing and no one would rush him. He was cleaning his hands off on a red rag that he tucked into his back pocket and he had a smudge of something black across the bridge of his nose. He also had on a faded black baseball hat that covered up his reddish hair and forced him to tilt his head to the side when he bent down to brush his mouth over mine. “This is a nice surprise. Is everything okay? Where’s Happy?”

  I should have called to tell him I was coming. He was worried, which was the opposite of how I wanted him to feel.

  Taking a deep breath, I reached up and put both my hands on the center of his chest so I could feel his heart beating and breathing change when I blurted out, “Everything is fine but I wanted to ask you something and I didn’t want to wait until tonight.”

  His hands raised and his fingers circled my wrists, his thumbs rubbing my thundering pulse. “Must be important. You have my undivided attention, honey.”

  I fucking loved it when he called me that. I never asked him where the endearment came from but every time he said it my insides quivered and heart skipped a few beats. I grabbed each side of his coveralls in my hands and pulled him down so that we were almost nose to nose. His eyes looked like a winter sky but there was warmth shining out of them between every single blink.

  “Will you have sex with me?” The words tumbled out fast and frantic, but there was no wavering or uncertainty in them anywhere. I meant them. I was all in.

  “Dammit. Why don’t my customers ever say shit like that to me? And how come none of them look like her?” The mechanic that was closest to us muttered the words loud enough for us to hear as Wheeler stood there staring at me like I’d suddenly grown a second head, eyes wide and mouth hanging open.

  “Shut up, Hunter. One more word and I’ll fire you, which will make you cry because the Hudson is supposed to show up this week.” Wheeler grabbed my hand without looking at the mouthy mechanic and pulled me toward the part of the building where his office was located. I asked him where we were going but he didn’t respond. His hold on my hand tightened and he squeezed my fingers. He paused briefly to tell his receptionist that he was taking the rest of the day off and that he wouldn’t be in until late tomorrow. He also ordered her to get him a room at the Crawford Hotel, which was really nice and located in Union Station. It was within walking distance of the garage, and by the woman’s knowing grin and the thumbs-up sign she flashed at me as Wheeler hauled me into his office, she knew exactly why he was suddenly ditching work.

  As soon as the door to his office was closed, he whipped his hat around so the bill was at the back and his hands were on my face. He backed me into the door he’d just kicked shut and tunneled his fingers through my hair. He forced my head back and attacked my mouth.

  It wasn’t a nice kiss.

  It wasn’t a soft and searching kiss.

  It wasn’t tender or tame.

  It was a kiss that seared my soul and set my skin on fire. It was wet and messy. It was teeth and tongues clashing. It was hungry and hot. He devoured me and then pulled back and came at me from another direction so he could overwhelm me from a different angle. His thigh pressed between my legs and his chest pinned me to the door. Every jagged breath he took rubbed the rough material of his uniform against my sensitive breasts, and every time I whimpered into his mouth, he shifted his weight so that the pressure of his leg hit me high and in exactly the right spot.

  He pulled b
ack and looked at me. Eyes on fire with every dirty, sexy thing he’d been holding off on doing to me. “You know how many times you’ve said those words to me in my dreams, Poppy?” I opened my mouth to answer but he stopped me with a kiss. “Thousands. I hear them and I wake up with my hand on my dick and balls so tight they hurt.”

  I ran my hands up and down the line of his ribs and shifted against the erection that was pressed tightly into the cleft at the top of my legs. “I can make those dreams come true.” I couldn’t believe that I was able to say that to a man and mean it. His dreams once again weren’t that far off base from mine.

  He blinked at me and then lowered his eyes to my now swollen lips. He palmed my head between his hands and lowered his forehead until it was touching mine. The fabric of his hat dug into my skin but I would die before I asked him to move away.

  “I have no doubt you will blow my dreams out of the water.” He kissed me again and rested one of his forearms over my head so that he was caging me in. I could feel his body heat and his hardness along every nerve ending. My body drifted toward his without me being aware that I was seeking out all the things about him that made me feel so good. “But I promise you that if you let me I will give you only good things to dream about from here on out, Poppy. Once you let me in, I will chase all your monsters away.”

  I brushed my nose along the column on his neck and licked at the thick vein that was throbbing there. “You’ve been doing that since we met, Wheeler.”

  He made a low noise in his throat and pushed back from the door. His mahogany-colored brows lifted and those to-die-for dimples made their appearance. “The right time is today and the right place is apparently a hotel right around the corner. I’ll take good care of you, honey.”

  I lifted my eyebrows back at him and returned his infectious grin. “Time and place doesn’t matter, but the right person sure as hell does. You’re my right person.”