You Know You Want This

by Kristen Roupenian

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  Many thanks to the journals in which these stories first appeared, some in edited form: “Bad Boy” in Body Parts Magazine, “Cat Person” in The New Yorker, “Scarred” (as “Don’t Be Scarred”) in Writer’s Digest, and “The Night Runner” in Colorado Review. Thank you as well to the Hopwood Foundation for its support of “The Night Runner” and “The Matchbox Sign.”

  For my mother, Carol Roupenian, who taught me to love what scares me

  Contents

  Epigraph

  Bad Boy

  Look at Your Game, Girl

  Sardines

  The Night Runner

  The Mirror, the Bucket, and the Old Thigh Bone

  Cat Person

  The Good Guy

  The Boy in the Pool

  Scarred

  The Matchbox Sign

  Death Wish

  Biter

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  He sez

  There is something jerking

  in your ribcage

  that is not a heart

  It is cow-intestine white

  & fibrous & gilled

  Lara Glenum, “Pulchritude”

  Bad Boy

  Our friend came over the other night. He and his terrible girlfriend had finally broken up. This was his third breakup with that particular girlfriend, but he insisted it was going to be the one to stick. He paced around our kitchen, working his way through the ten thousand petty humiliations and torments of their six-month relationship, while we cooed and fretted and bent our faces into sympathetic shapes in his direction. When he went to the bathroom to collect himself, we collapsed against each other, rolling our eyes and pretending to strangle ourselves and shoot ourselves in the head. One of us told the other that listening to our friend complain about the details of his breakup was like listening to an alcoholic whine about being hungover: yes, the suffering was there but good God it was hard to muster sympathy for someone with so little insight into the causes of his own problems. How long was our friend going to continue to date terrible people and then act surprised when they treated him terribly, we asked each other. Then he came out of the bathroom and we mixed him his fourth drink of the evening and told him he was too drunk to drive home but that he was welcome to crash on our couch.

  That night, we lay in bed together, talking about our friend. We complained about how small our apartment was, about how we couldn’t have sex without him hearing us. Maybe we should do it anyway, we said—it’ll be the closest to getting laid he’s come in months. (Withholding sex had been one of the manipulative strategies of the terrible girlfriend.) Maybe he’d like it.

  The next morning, when we got up for work, our friend was still asleep, his shirt half-unbuttoned. He was surrounded by crumpled beer cans and he’d clearly kept drinking alone long after we’d gone to bed. He looked so pathetic, lying there, that we felt bad about how meanly we’d joked about him the night before. We made extra coffee and fed him breakfast and told him he could stay at our apartment as long as he wanted, but when we got home we were nonetheless surprised to find him on the couch.

  We made him get up and into the shower, and then we took him out to dinner, where we refused to let him talk about the breakup. Instead, we were charming. We laughed at all his jokes and ordered a second bottle of wine and gave him life advice. You deserve someone who makes you happy, we said. A healthy relationship with someone who loves you, we continued, and we looked at each other appreciatively before turning the full force of our attention onto him. He was like a sad little dog hungry for friendliness and praise, and it felt good to see him lap it up; we wanted to pat his soft head and scratch him behind his ears and watch him wiggle.

  After we left the restaurant, we were having such a good time that we invited our friend up to our apartment with us. Once we were there, he asked if he could crash with us again that night, and when we pushed him, he admitted that he didn’t like being in his own apartment by himself right now, because home reminded him of the terrible girlfriend. We said, of course, you can stay as long as you want, we’ve got a pull-out couch, that’s what it’s for. But behind his back we gave each other a look, because even though we wanted to be good to him, we were not going to endure a second night without sex—for one thing, we were drunk, and for another, acting so charming all evening had gotten us kind of worked up. So we went to bed, and even the way we said good night to him probably made it clear that we were going to fuck. At first, we tried not to make a lot of noise, but soon it felt like our efforts to be quiet and then giggling and hushing each other were probably calling more attention to what we were doing than just doing it the normal way, so we did what we wanted and we had to admit we were sort of into it, the idea of him out there, listening to us, in the dark.

  The next morning, we were a little embarrassed, but we told ourselves, hey, maybe that was what he needed to nudge him out of the nest and back to his own apartment, and it might even motivate him to get a girlfriend who would sleep with him more than once every two months. But that afternoon, he texted us and asked us what we were doing that evening, and soon, he was staying over most nights of the week.

  We would feed him dinner, and then the three of us would drive somewhere, us in the front, him always in the back seat. We joked about giving him an allowance, about giving him chores; we joked that we should adjust our phone contracts to add him to our family plan, since we all spent so much time together. Besides, we said, then we could keep a better eye on him and stop him from texting the terrible ex-girlfriend, because even though they were broken up, they were still in touch and he was always on his phone. He would promise to stop, swear that he knew it was bad for him, but then he’d slide right back into texting her again. Mostly, though, we enjoyed spending time with him. We liked fussing over him and taking care of him and scolding him when he did irresponsible things like texting the terrible ex-girlfriend or missing work because he’d stayed up too late the night before.

  We kept having sex even though he was staying in the apartment with us. In fact, it was the best sex we’d ever had. It became the kernel of a fantasy we shared, picturing him out there with his ear pressed to the wall, all churned up by jealousy and arousal and shame. We didn’t know if that was true—maybe he covered his head with a pillow and tried to ignore us; maybe our walls were more soundproof than we thought—but we pretended, between ourselves, and we would dare each other to leave the bedroom while we were still all flushed and breathless, to get a drink of water from the refrigerator and see if he was awake. If he was (he always was) we would exchange a few casual words with him and then rush back to bed to laugh about it and fuck again even more urgently the second time around.

  We got such a charge from the game that we began upping the stakes, coming out half-dressed, or wrapped in towels, leaving the door open a crack, or a little more. In the morning after a particularly raucous night, we would tease him by asking him if he slept well, or what he’d dreamed about, and he would look at the ground and say, I don’t remember.

  This idea he wanted to join us in bed was only a fantasy, but strangely, after a while we started feeling a little bit annoyed at our friend for acting so coy. We knew that if something w
ere going to happen, we would have to make the first move. We outnumbered him, first of all, and second, it was our apartment, and third, that was the way it worked between us: we bossed him around and he did what we asked. But still, we allowed ourselves to be irritable with him, to pick on him a bit, to blame him for our frustrated desires and to tease him a little more cruelly than we had before.

  When are you going to get a new girlfriend, we asked him. God, it’s been so long for you, you must be losing your mind. You’re not getting yourself off on our couch, are you? You better not be getting yourself off on our couch. Before we went to bed, we would stand with our arms folded, like we were mad at him, and say, you better behave yourself out here, this is a nice couch, we don’t want to see any stains on it tomorrow morning. We would even allude to the joke, obliquely, in front of other people, pretty girls. Tell her, we’d say. Tell her about the couch and how much you love it, you love it there, right? And he would squirm and nod and say, yeah, I do.

  Then a night came when we all got drunk, really drunk, and we began hitting the joke even harder, insisting that he admit it: come on, you do it all the time, right, you’re out here going crazy, listening to us, you pervert, you think we don’t know? And then we froze for a second because that was the first time we’d said out loud that we knew he could hear us, and we hadn’t quite meant to give it away. He didn’t say anything, though, so we tore into him even harder—we can hear you, we said, waving our beers at him, we can hear you breathing heavy and the couch squeaking, you’re probably at the door half the time, watching us, I mean, it’s fine, we don’t mind, we know you’re desperate, but God, stop lying about it, please. Then we laughed, too loudly, and did another round of shots, and then a new joke started, and the joke was that since he’d already watched us, dozens of times, it was only fair to let us watch him. He should show us, he should show us what he did on this couch, our couch, when we weren’t around. For what felt like hours, we mocked him and prodded him and teased him and he got more and more flustered but he didn’t leave, he stayed pinned to his seat on the couch and when he finally began unzipping his jeans we felt a rush that was like nothing else. We watched him for as long as we could stand it and then we stumbled into our room and did it with the door open, but we didn’t invite him to come any closer, that first time; we wanted him to watch us from the outside, looking in.

  The next morning was delicate, but we made our way through it by proclaiming how drunk we’d been, God, how completely obliterated. He left after breakfast and disappeared for three days, but on the fourth night, we texted him and we all went to a movie, and on the fifth night he came over. We didn’t mention the joke, or what had happened between us, but simply to all be drinking together, alone, seemed like an agreement that it would happen again. We drank steadily, seriously, and every hour that passed increased the tension, but also our certainty that he was willing, until at last we said, Go into our room and wait for us. When he did, we took a long time finishing our drinks, savoring them, before we set them down and went in after him.

  We made up rules about what he could and couldn’t do, what he could and couldn’t touch. Mostly he couldn’t do anything; mostly he watched, and sometimes he wasn’t even allowed to do that. We were tyrants; we got most of our pleasure from making the rules and changing them and seeing him respond. At first, what happened during these nights was a strange, unspoken thing, a bubble clinging precariously to the edge of real life, but then, about a week after it started, we made the first rule for him to follow during the day, and suddenly the world cracked open and overflowed with possibility.

  In the beginning, the things we told him to do were the things we’d been telling him all along: to get up, to take a shower, to shave his face, to stop texting that terrible girl. But now, each instruction was accompanied by an electric crackle, a shimmer in the air. We added more: He should go shopping and buy nicer clothes, which we picked out. He should get a haircut. He should cook us breakfast. He should clean up the area around the couch where he slept. We made him a schedule, sliced it up into finer and finer increments, until he was sleeping, eating, pissing, only when we told him to. It seems cruel, laid out like that, and maybe it was, but he gave in without complaint, and for a while, he flourished under our care.

  We loved it, his eagerness to please, and then, slowly, it started to get under our skin. Sexually, it was frustrating, his unerring instinct toward obedience; once we settled into this new pattern there was none of the friction or uncertainty of that first dizzying night. Soon, the teasing started up again; the jokes about us being like his parents, about how babyish he was, about what he was allowed to do or not do on the couch. We began making rules that were impossible to follow and instituting little punishments when he broke them; bad boy, we’d tease him. Look at what you’ve done. That kept us occupied for a while. We were devilishly creative about the punishments, and then they, too, began to escalate.

  We caught him texting that terrible girl, and when we confiscated his phone, we discovered he’d been talking to her all along, after he’d promised—sworn!—that they were over. There was nothing funny about how angry we felt then, how personally betrayed. We sat him down at the table, across from us. Look, we said, you don’t have to stay with us, we’re not keeping you here, go back to your place if you want, seriously, we don’t fucking care.

  I’m sorry, he said, I know she’s bad for me, that’s not what I want. He was crying. I’m sorry, he said again, please don’t make me go.

  Fine, we said, but what we did with him that night was too much even for us, and the next morning we were disgusted with ourselves and the sight of him made us feel a little sick. We told him to go home and we’d let him know when we wanted to talk to him again.

  As soon he was gone, though, we got so bored we could barely stand it. We white-knuckled it through two days, but without him around to watch us, we felt so dull and pointless it was almost as though we didn’t exist. We spent most of our time talking about him, speculating about what was wrong with him, about all the ways he was broken, and then we promised ourselves that if we were going to do this, whatever this was, we’d do it respectably, with house meetings and safe words and polyamorous meet-ups. And on the third day we told him to come over again. We had nothing but good intentions, but we were all so hideously polite and uncomfortable with each other that in the end the only way to purge the tension was to go into the bedroom for a repeat of all the things that had so disgusted us three days before.

  We only got worse after that. He was like some slippery thing we had caught in our fists, and the harder we squeezed the more of it bubbled up through our fingers. We were chasing something inside of him that revolted us, but we were driven mad as dogs by the scent. We experimented—with pain and bruises, chains and toys—and afterward, we’d collapse in a tangle of damp limbs, all jumbled together like the trash that washes up on a beach after a storm. There was a kind of peacefulness in those moments, the room quiet except for our slowing, overlapping breath. But then we’d banish him so we could be alone, and before long the need to take him apart would start building up in us again. No matter what we did, he wouldn’t stop us. No matter what we told him to do, he would never, ever say no.

  To protect ourselves we pushed him as far into the corner of our lives as we could. We stopped going out with him, stopped having dinner with him, stopped talking to him. We returned his phone calls and summoned him only for sex, brutal three-, four-, five-hour sessions before we’d send him home again. We demanded he be available to us, always, and we pushed him back and forth like a yo-yo: go, come, come, go. None of our other friends had heard from us in ages; work was a place we went to space out and nap. When he wasn’t in the house, we stared at each other, utterly drained, the same washed-out pornographic movie playing on an endless loop in our heads.

  Until the day came when he stopped answering our texts right away. First came a five-minute delay, then ten, then an hour, and then, finally,
I’m not sure I can do this tonight, sorry, I’m feeling really confused right now.

  We lost it, then. We lost our fucking shit. We stormed around the apartment and sobbed and smashed glasses and screamed what is he thinking what the fuck he can’t do this to us. We couldn’t go back to the way it was before, the two of us, bland vanilla sex in the bedroom with nobody watching, nothing to gnaw on and tear at except for each other. We worked ourselves up into a frenzy and called him twenty times but he didn’t pick up and at last we decided: no, it’s not acceptable, we’re going over there, he can’t hide from us, we are going to figure out what the fuck is going on. We were furious, but mixed in with the anger was a rowdy excitement, the thrill, almost, of the hunt: the knowledge that something explosive and irrevocable was about to go down.

  We saw his car parked in front of his building, and the light in his room was on. From the street, we called him again but again he didn’t answer, and since we had an extra copy of his key from the days when we watered each other’s plants and got each other’s mail, we let ourselves inside.

  There they were, in the bedroom, our friend and the terrible girl. They were naked, and he was on top of her, pumping away. It looked so ridiculously simple after everything we’d gone through that our first reaction was to laugh.

  She saw us before he did and gave a little squeak of surprise. He rolled over and his mouth opened but no sound came out. That terrified face he made soothed us a little, but it was a drop of water on a conflagration. The girlfriend scrambled to cover herself, and her shocked bleating transformed itself into a torrent of accusations. What the hell are you doing, she shrieked, what the fuck is this, what are you doing here, you are both so fucking twisted, he’s told me all about it, the stuff you do, it’s so messed up, get the fuck out of here, you don’t belong here, you freaks, go, go, go.