Unattainable

by Schlosser, Jamie

  “It’s beautiful.” Toying with the end of her tiny stub of a braid, she headed to the back door.

  Hands down, the best part of the suite was the view. Moonlight shimmered on the surface of the rippling ocean, and stars twinkled brightly in the sky.

  Corrie stopped at the sliding glass I’d left ajar, and when she poked her head out, she made a strangled sound.

  “You have an infinity pool on your patio?” she asked incredulously, glancing over her shoulder at me with raised eyebrows.

  “You can come swim here anytime you like,” I offered, hoping she’d take me up on it.

  Sighing, she shook her head. “We need to talk, Aiden.”

  I didn’t like the sound of her defeated tone. Like she’d already decided our future wasn’t in the cards. “Yeah. That’s why you’re here.”

  Taking a spot on the loveseat, she leaned over to sniff the material on the arm.

  I suppressed a laugh. I didn’t need to smell it to know it was genuine leather.

  She patted the couch adjacent to her, and I sat down, ready for the heavy conversation coming my way.

  “So, you want to be friends?” she started, tilting her head to the side. “Because I’m going to be honest—I’m not sure if that would be possible for me.”

  We’d barely started talking and Corrie was already rejecting me. I tried not to let it sting, but damn. It did.

  Time to spill my deepest secrets and bare my soul.

  “I hurt you. I know that, and I’m sorry.” I ran a hand over the scruff on my jaw. “You have no idea how sorry. If I could go back and do things differently, I would.”

  “Why didn’t you reach out to me after…?” She didn’t have to finish that sentence for me to know what she was referring to.

  “You saw how I was at the funeral. I couldn’t even talk to anyone.” Vulnerable, I looked down at my clasped hands. “I wasn’t fun to be around for a long time. I—I cried a lot. Sometimes I didn’t get out of bed for days at a time.”

  I heard Corrie swallow. “I wouldn’t have cared about that. I still would’ve been there for you.”

  “I know,” I whispered.

  Because I did know.

  I still remembered walking out of my room at the ski lodge, eyes red and puffy from crying all night. Utterly broken. Drifting back and forth between shock and complete devastation. And the first thing I saw in the early morning light was Corrie, curled up on the floor of the hallway outside my door. She’d stayed with me, even though I wouldn’t let her in.

  Someday when I could articulate how grateful I was for her company, I’d thank her.

  But right now, I wanted to explain my actions—or lack thereof.

  “When I lost my parents, it was more than just grief. I fell into a deep depression. I didn’t see anyone except my tutors for six months until I got my diploma. And then the next six months, I had almost zero contact with the outside world. Had groceries delivered to my house. Rarely showered.” Embarrassment over my inability to function caused heat to creep up to my cheeks. “But being cooped up in that mansion by myself only made it worse. Theo was the only family I had left, and we didn’t have a good relationship then. So I was alone.”

  Corrie’s lips turned down. “I’m confused about that. You and Theo seemed so happy on your show.”

  “Yeah.” She would think that. During all our old heart-to-hearts, one fact I never divulged was my family drama. “Here’s a little dysfunctional Legend family history lesson. It’s messed up. Our mother gave me everything a kid could ever want, but she deprived Theo. Neglected him. She was cruel on purpose. Dad just went along with whatever she wanted, but he was just as guilty for not standing up to her. You know Theo and I are half-brothers, right? We don’t have the same father.”

  “But your dad adopted Theo when he was little,” Corrie said, looking bewildered.

  “Yes,” I answered. “But he never treated him like a son. He wouldn’t even let him call him Dad.”

  “I remember that from the episodes I watched.” She nodded. “Theo always called him Roger, but I thought it was just teenage rebellion on his part.”

  I shook my head. “Sadly, no. I didn’t even realize the full extent of how bad it was until Theo and I reconciled several months ago. The way they acted toward him—it was horrible, Corrie. I got everything while he got nothing. And when I wasn’t paying attention, they rubbed it in his face. Because of that, there was a lot of animosity between us growing up. But when we found out he wasn’t in our parents’ will? It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I tried to give him half—in my eyes it belonged to him. He wouldn’t take it, though. Barely spoke to me for two years.”

  “Oh, wow.” She frowned. “That sucks.”

  “Eventually, I got tired of feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t start to heal until I sold the house and moved into a condo in the city. I went to grief counseling and I started pursuing my career. Went on The Final Showdown and mended things with Theo. I had to get myself right before I could be good for anyone else. Does that make sense?”

  “Yes,” she replied quietly.

  “By the time I was better, I was too ashamed to contact you. When I heard you’d moved away, I was glad. Not because you were gone, but because you were going after your goals. And what right did I have to barge back into your life after I’d shut you out? I know this doesn’t justify my behavior toward you—”

  Corrie held up a hand.

  “It does. Thank you for sharing that with me. I understand now. Seriously, I’m not mad at you, Aiden. I was hurt,” she admitted. “But it’s just because I missed you so much. What happened was horrible. You went through hell and I don’t blame you for dealing with it in your own way. If you’re searching for my forgiveness, you have it, okay?”

  While those words were what I wanted to hear, it sounded a lot like an ending.

  Closure.

  Something someone said right before they told you they were moving on.

  It hurt.

  “You knew you’d be working with me,” I mused gruffly. “If you never wanted to see me again, why did you apply for the audio engineer position?”

  “I didn’t say I never wanted to see you again,” she argued, her fingers twitching in her lap, and I knew she was fighting the urge to bite her nails. That was the only indication of how much I affected her.

  “You’re sure acting like it.”

  “I didn’t come here to reconnect with you.” She did a good job of keeping any emotion out of her voice. Like she was discussing the weather, not tearing my heart into a thousand pieces. “No one was more surprised than me when I got the job, but I’ve been trusted with a high-level position and I need this money.”

  The way her voice cracked on the last word spoke volumes. I’d never had to worry about being able to afford anything, but just because I’d never experienced financial hardship didn’t mean I couldn’t empathize.

  “You need some cash?” Prepared to write her a check, I sat up straighter. “Just tell me how much and it’s yours.”

  “I don’t want a loan.”

  “I don’t expect you to pay it back.”

  “I can’t just take your money.”

  “It’s a gift.”

  “No.” Firm and stubborn.

  Corrie’s tenacity was one of the traits I liked most about her. It was one of the reasons I’d assumed she was off somewhere in the world, grappling her way to the top.

  And then it clicked. Maybe that’s what she was doing now. I’d been viewing her position as a music mixer as a step down, not a stepping stone. Given her young age, getting hired by NTT was impressive.

  She didn’t deserve my pity. She’d earned my respect.

  “Okay,” I said, accepting her desire to make her own way. “I’m proud of you, Corrie. So damn proud.”

  “Thank you.” She couldn’t hold back the small smile, and I counted it as a win. “It’s nothing compared to your success, but I’m giving my best effor
t.”

  “No,” I disagreed. “If we’re comparing, you’re way ahead of me. I already had my foot in the door because of my family’s connections with the network. You got here on your own merits.”

  That small smile morphed into a full-blown grin, and my heart lightened at the way she began to soften.

  Corrie’s stone-cold exterior had always been a shield—one that I’d been able to penetrate, once upon a time. When she opened up, it was beautiful. She was kind and inquisitive. Always able to offer a perspective that made me think differently about life.

  Then I betrayed her trust.

  Maybe I just needed to remind her of how good we were together.

  “I remember the first time I saw you.” I grinned at the memory. “It was the first day of junior year.”

  Her eyebrows furrowed. “You didn’t talk to me junior year. In fact, pretty much no one did.”

  “That’s because you intimidated the crap out of us.”

  “It’s not like I was mean or anything,” she responded, her frown deepening.

  “You’re right. You were always nice. It was everyone else who was the problem. You were this silver-haired beauty who had more talent than anyone at Weston.”

  “You remember my hair color?” Surprise laced her tone as her fingers went to one of her braids. “I’ve changed it so many times, I don’t even know which phases go with each shade.”

  “Yep. The following December it was fuchsia. Around Easter you changed it to light pink. Right before summer break you went orange. And when senior year started, it was cobalt blue, but it faded to a lighter hue over the fall.”

  Corrie seemed stunned into silence as she stared at me with an expression I couldn’t read.

  “The point is, I noticed you right away,” I went on. “I watched you all the time when you weren’t looking. Everyone did. They couldn’t stop talking about the new transfer student who didn’t have to buy her way in.”

  “Yeah.” She scoffed. “I heard the things they said. Poor poverty-stricken trash from the other side of the tracks.” Rolling her eyes, she blew out a huff. “You know, I come from a nice middle-class family. We live in the suburbs.”

  “That’s right. Your parents are teachers—Blaire and Tanner,” I added, on a mission to prove that I recalled every detail. To show her that time and distance hadn’t erased her from my mind. “Your mom teaches first grade, your dad sixth. You have a younger brother named Carson. He plays the violin.”

  She started chewing on her thumbnail.

  “Wow.” Her nostrils flared, bringing attention to the adorable piercing. “You have a pretty good memory.”

  “When it comes to something I’m interested in, yeah.” I gave her a pointed look.

  Corrie shook her head and glanced away. She had some serious inner conflict going on inside that pretty head.

  I couldn’t blame her. She was probably terrified of history repeating itself.

  Maybe it would take some time to get back to where we were, but I could wait. Patience and persistence were imperative in any artistic industry and I wasn’t afraid to put myself out there with the possibility of rejection hanging over my head.

  But first, I had to figure out a way to get her to stay for a while.

  “Go swimming with me. You still have your suit on.” Pointing at the bikini strings peeking out of her clothes, I smirked. “You know you want to.”

  Her hand went to the magenta knot tied around her neck, and she sent a look of longing out the back door.

  And I’d hooked her. If spending time with me wasn’t enough of a reason to stick around, the temptation of swimming would be.

  DAMN MY WEAK WILLPOWER AND my love for water.

  My mom used to joke that I was born part mermaid. Bath time was one of the only ways to soothe me when I was a baby and I was swimming unassisted by the time I was three.

  Aiden was playing dirty, and he knew it.

  But I mean, infinity pool. Overlooking the ocean. How could I say no?

  And ohh, how nice it was to dip my foot in.

  I sighed as I submerged myself up to my waist. It was the perfect temperature. Not too cold, but a nice relief from the humid tropical air.

  Dunking my head beneath the surface, I propelled my weightless body forward. Bubbles floated up as I expelled all my air and allowed my body to sink to the bottom.

  Down here, it was silent and still. Reality was suspended. Problems were on pause.

  In light of what I’d just learned, I no longer felt the heavy weight of rejection.

  Aiden’s silence hadn’t been about me. It wasn’t personal. Between his parents’ death and the strained relationship with Theo, it was no wonder he’d hit rock bottom.

  So, this whole meeting was about him getting something off his chest, releasing the guilt he still felt. He just wanted to apologize. Which was fine. Great, even.

  I meant it when I said I forgave him.

  It just made me sad to think this was it. The chapter of my first love had been teetering on the last page for far too long, and it was time for it to end.

  I opened my eyes and looked up. Aiden’s blurry form was standing at the top of the steps.

  Watching me.

  It brought back a lot of memories from Weston. Sometimes when we were done with singing, we’d sneak into the academy’s Olympic-sized pool. Stripping down to our undies hadn’t been much different than wearing suits, but it felt so scandalous at the time.

  Speaking of scandalous, I saw Aiden pull off his gray T-shirt before tossing it to the wicker lounge chair where I’d placed my clothes.

  Holy crap.

  Even though my view was distorted, I could see every ridge of muscle etched on his body.

  My heart pounded and my lungs burned, demanding oxygen.

  When I came up for air, I wiped the wetness from my eyes. Out of my peripheral vision, I saw muscly pecs on top of abs upon more abs as Aiden descended the stairs.

  I couldn’t resist—I looked. Just a quick glance.

  Gah. I shouldn’t have done it.

  Aiden’s chest was hairless. Shaved, probably. But a brown happy trail went from his belly button down into his neon green swim trunks, along with clearly defined V muscles on his hips.

  Floating on his back, he moved closer to me and I swam away, keeping a good five feet between us.

  Silent, we played that dance for a few minutes—Aiden gliding through the water as I maintained my distance. Circling each other. Prolonging the inevitable end.

  Suddenly, Aiden stood, pinning me with a look filled with pure longing. Waist-deep in the four-foot water, he looked like a sea god with the moonlight glinting off all the rivulets streaming down his washboard abs.

  “I want a do-over,” he said firmly. “With you. With us. I want to go back to the way things were. It kills me that I don’t know how many times you’ve changed your hair since the last time I saw you. I can’t picture the color to match up with the time frame. I don’t know what you were doing, where you were, and who you were doing it with. I know it’s my fault, but I hate it.”

  Well, he sure shocked the hell out of me with that speech. I stopped floating and planted my feet on the bottom of the pool.

  “I don’t know what to say.” I couldn’t believe my ears. I’d dreamed of this scenario so many times, I questioned whether I was awake or not.

  “Say you’ll be mine again.”

  I wasn’t prepared for this.

  Since we crashed and burned, I’d spent so much time convincing myself we never would’ve worked out anyway. Rationalization was the tool I used to console my aching heart, so it was difficult for me to accept a completely different reality—a reality where he and I could be together.

  Did he even understand what he was asking?

  Sure, right now we were in the same place at the same time. But off this island, we led very different lives. We were headed in opposite directions.

  I was hoping for a permanent position in Chicag
o, while Aiden was going places—both literally and figuratively. After Stranded with a Legend was over, he’d be recording his album, then probably going on tour.

  I shook my head. “You can’t just reset a relationship like that.”

  “Says who?”

  I sputtered, because coming up with an answer was difficult when I was this flustered. “I don’t know. I’m sure there are experts who would agree.”

  “Fuck the experts,” he burst out, and my mouth fell open.

  Aiden didn’t cuss often. I could probably count the number of times I’d heard him swear on one hand. He was too polite. Too classy. Too good.

  “It’s against the rules in my contract,” I stated weakly, the excuse sounding feeble to my own ears.

  “Fuck the rules, Corrie.” Aiden’s jaw clenched, and his chest rose and fell with quick breaths. “All my life, I’ve tried to make good decisions, to do the right thing, to behave the way people expect me to. People think I’m perfect and that I have it all. But I’m still not happy.”

  “What would make you happy?”

  “You,” he replied, certain. “The last time the world felt right was when I was with you.”

  Oh, this wasn’t going as planned. At all.

  I wasn’t supposed to turn to mush. My resolve to stay away wasn’t supposed to crumble.

  And yet I found myself imagining a thousand possible future moments with Aiden—swimming, laughing, talking until our voices got hoarse, singing together.

  Quite frankly, it pissed me off. “I haven’t heard from you in over two years, then all of the sudden you want me? I don’t get it. What changed?”

  “Everything changed,” he replied vehemently. “Because you’re here.”

  “And what if I hadn’t gotten this job? What if I wasn’t here right now? Would you have called me today? I don’t think so.”

  “I thought you were in Nashville all this time.” He raked a wet hand through his hair. “And I’m moving there after this production is over. I’d planned to look you up once I got there.”

  “Oh, really?” I asked skeptically.

  “Really,” he insisted. “Corrie, if I’d known you were back in Chicago, I would’ve come after you a long damn time ago. I held back because I didn’t want to disrupt your life, but there’s no way I could’ve lived with the knowledge that we were in the same city and not done anything about it.”