by Amy Cheung
Sam showed up right on time.
“Did you move yet?” he asked me when he sat down. “Where are you moving to?”
I handed him the check. “This is for you.”
“I said I didn’t want it.” He pushed it back towards me.
“Did you ever love me?” I asked.
“You still have to ask?” Sam smiled sadly.
“Well, I’m asking you to accept this check.”
“I’m telling you, don’t make me do it.”
“If you loved me, then you should accept this check.” I put the check inside his bag.
“Do you have to do this?”
I nodded stubbornly.
“When are you having a child?” I asked him, smiling.
“A child?”
“A child with your wife. Like a real family,” I said grimly.
“You think that as soon as you leave, I’m going to instantly go home and have a child? You’ve never understood me.”
“So you’re saying that you’ve never wanted children?”
Sam stared at me, speechless.
As I leaned over to take a sip of my soup, the scorpion charm on my necklace suddenly came loose and tumbled into the bowl, splattering soup onto my clothes and face. Sam quickly retrieved the scorpion charm.
“It’s really hot!” I said.
Sam took out his handkerchief and wiped my face.
“I’m going to go wash my face. And I’m going to clean this off while I’m at it,” I said, grabbing the scorpion charm back.
Once inside the restroom, I started to cry. I wouldn’t let myself cry in front of him. Why was it that when it came time to say good-bye, I felt so reluctant for things to end? I deeply resented the fact that he wouldn’t get a divorce. I rinsed off the scorpion charm under the faucet, then dried it with a towel. The clasp had come loose, causing the charm to slip off. I never should have worn the necklace in the first place. I dried my eyes and went back.
“Is something wrong?” Sam asked me.
I shook my head. But could I really hide it from him? Though I had the eyes of a person who’d been crying, there was no real proof.
“There are still stains on your blouse,” Sam said.
“Who cares? Who doesn’t have any stains on their clothes? These stains will give me something to remember this meal by.”
“Have you really made up your mind?”
“Why? Do you want me to wait for you? You’ve never, ever asked me before to wait for you. If you’d asked me to wait, there’d still be hope for us. But you never did even that much.”
“I just want you to be happy after you leave me,” he said, crestfallen.
“You don’t have to be so nice to me. Why don’t you go home and be a good husband?”
We finished the meal in silence. I’d been too idealistic. I had thought that two people who once loved each other could break up over a candlelight dinner. But because we’d once loved each other, there was no way we could be our old selves again. All we could do was hurt each other one last time.
“I’ll take you home,” he said.
“You don’t have to.”
“Are you scared of me knowing where you live?”
“How about if I take you home instead?” I asked him. “I’ve never done that before. I’ve never even seen your building. I don’t even know what floor you live on. Now you can relax and let me take you home. Don’t worry—I won’t do anything crazy like come knocking on your door.”
Sam looked hesitant.
“What? You don’t think it’s a good idea?”
Even now, he still didn’t trust me. He thought I was the kind of woman who’d come knocking on his door and cause trouble.
“Are you afraid I’ll stalk you?”
“I’d never thought about it before. She knows that you exist. I don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all. You think I’m more selfish than I really am.”
“Is that a yes?” I said.
“All right,” he finally answered.
It was the first time I’d ever been to his place. Deep down, I was actually a little scared.
“I live in 12A,” he said.
“I’ll take you upstairs,” I said boldly.
“OK.” He seemed to understand that there was no stopping me.
When we reached the twelfth floor, my heart was pounding. I didn’t dare to look over at him.
“This is where I live,” he said.
My heart felt as if it were being ripped apart. Never in my dreams had I imagined that I’d find myself standing before his home, the home that he and another woman shared. What would I do if that woman suddenly walked out of their apartment, or if she came home just then?
“I’ll stop here,” I said timidly, stepping back into the elevator. “Thanks for letting me take you home . . .”
I hadn’t finished what I was going to say when Sam followed me and pulled me out of the elevator.
“Don’t go,” he said, holding me in his arms.
“I’m not allowed to go? What, are you going to invite me in?” Sam took my face in his hands and kissed me—right then and there, outside the door to his apartment, where that woman was close at hand. That kiss we shared was simultaneously crazy and thrilling. Sam must have gone completely mad.
I deeply cherish the memory of that kiss. I won’t deny it.
But when all was said and done, it was over between us, and he had to go home.
“Even if you walk a thousand miles to take a friend home, you still have to part ways. That’s how the saying goes, right?” I asked him.
Sam was silent.
“I have to go,” I said.
“You never told me where you live.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I still have your birthday present.”
“Didn’t I say that I didn’t want to know what it was? Go inside! I don’t want to see a woman come out of there.”
I pressed the button to call the elevator.
The elevator arrived.
“Good-bye,” I told him.
Sam stood there dejectedly. This was probably the first time he’d ever lost to a woman.
As the elevator doors closed, I caught one last glimpse of him through the crack. I’d never be the woman who went home with him.
As I sat inside a taxi, I peered up at the twelfth floor. The lights were on in one unit, but I didn’t know if it was Sam’s. I wondered if he’d wiped the traces of my lipstick from his lips before he walked through the door.
5
Do You Still Love Me?
The following week, I discovered that Sam hadn’t cashed the check. The money was still in my account. I’d known all along that he didn’t want it. I’d wanted to give the money back to him, but then I thought: If he really did take the money back, would I be disappointed? I went so far as to doubt whether he’d ever loved me.
Chui Yuk said, “If he actually cashes the check, you’ll never be able to look back fondly on your relationship.”
An entire month passed, and the money remained intact in my bank account. I hadn’t been mistaken. Sam was a good person. But I wouldn’t ever have the good fortune of being his wife. Maybe someday, six months from now, a year from now, even ten years from now, he’d wake up and go cash the check.
Then, one day Chui Yuk said, “Yu Mogwo wants to invite you ladies to dinner with us this Thursday night. What do you say?”
“As long as we don’t talk about book sales figures.” I was baffled at how Yu Mogwo could be so upbeat this time around.
“He’s been really optimistic ever since he got back from the States. If things stayed the way they were before, then I’d be worried!” Chui Yuk told me.
“I’m thinking of starting a publishing house,” Yu Mogwo announced when he sat down.
We were at an Italian restaurant with an outdoor patio in Sai Kung Town.
“You’ve never mentioned this before.” Chui Yuk, her hand on her chin, listened attentively
to what he was saying.
“Hong Kong is a tough place to set up a publishing firm,” Chen Dingleung said. I’d thawed out enough in the past few weeks to agree to see him again.
“A friend of mine and I are going to form a partnership,” Yu Mogwo said. “In addition to publishing my own science-fiction novels, we’re going to travel to Japan and buy the foreign rights for manga, then translate and publish it here in Hong Kong. This friend of mine knows a lot about Japan. If we can get the rights to manga that’s going to be well received here, we can make a lot of money.” Yu Mogwo seemed pleased.
“Sounds like a great idea!” Chui Yuk was gazing at Yu Mogwo with admiration.
The next day, Chui Yuk came to see me. As it turned out, Yu Mogwo had no start-up capital.
“How much does he need?” I asked Chui Yuk.
“He and his partner need to come up with $300,000.”
“That much?”
“They need money to go to Japan and then buy the rights for a whole bunch of manga. You can’t just buy them for one title. That’s the biggest expense. They also have to rent an office and hire two or three employees to do printing, typesetting, marketing, and so on. All those things require money. Every book will cost tens of thousands of dollars to produce,” she explained.
“So if he doesn’t have any money, how’s he going to start a publishing firm?” I asked Chui Yuk.
“It’s so like him not to think about money. He’s just so impulsive—he never thinks through the practicalities.”
Chui Yuk didn’t seem to mind Yu Mogwo’s way of doing things. This man, who had no real knowledge of his own capabilities, was simply going to charge forwards and leave all the problems to a woman to fix. Wasn’t that rather irresponsible?
“He thinks I still have savings,” Chui Yuk said.
“You already gave him your entire savings when he went to the States. He still thinks you have money?” I said, growing angry.
“He didn’t know that was my entire savings. It’s all because I don’t live frugally, and I buy bras that cost hundreds of dollars.”
“I can’t touch the money in my bank account. Sam could withdraw it at any moment.” I knew Chui Yuk wanted my help.
“I know that.”
“I have $54,000 in my account, but that’s it. It’s my entire savings, but I can lend it to you.”
“It won’t be nearly enough.” Chui Yuk sighed.
“Talk to Yau Ying,” I said.
“I really don’t want to borrow from friends. That’d be going overboard. He should just borrow from a commercial lender. I’ve heard that if your salary is $10,000, they’ll let you borrow $20,000.”
“If you go to a commercial lender, won’t the interest be high? Plus you don’t have a stable income. They might not approve you for a loan.”
Chui Yuk left disappointed. She didn’t get in touch for a few days.
“There’s a way I can get $300,000,” Chui Yuk told me the next time I saw her.
“How?”
“Someone approached me about being in a video.”
“You can make that much money by being in a video?”
“Well, of course most don’t pay that well.”
“You’re not talking about a porn flick, are you?”
“I don’t have to get completely naked. I just need to act bolder and sexier.”
“You’re not going to do it, are you?”
“They’re going to give me $300,000.”
“You’re not even famous, and they’re going to give you $300,000? Do you have to get naked?”
“I have to show my breasts,” Chui Yuk said finally.
“It’s a porn flick, isn’t it? Don’t do it.”
“No.”
“Are you doing this for Yu Mogwo? If he doesn’t get the money, he can’t start a publishing house. It’s not like he’s going to die.”
“This is his dream. He’s already started looking for an office space.”
“Does he know that you’re going to be in this video?”
“He can’t find out.”
“If he finds out, he’s going to break up with you.”
“He’s not going to find out. He’s totally illiterate when it comes to technology.”
“What if one of his friends sees it?”
“He doesn’t have that many friends. They’re not into that sort of thing, either.”
“What if he just happens to see it?”
“He might not know it’s me. I’m going to get a perm and put on a ton of makeup. Worst case, I’ll say they told me they were going to replace my face with a famous celebrity’s.”
“Don’t do it, Chui Yuk! I have $54,000 here—take it!” I handed her the check.
“Save it for yourself!” Chui Yuk laughed triumphantly. “I know the producer, who knows I need the money and is giving me $300,000! The normal rate is $200,000.”
“Did you already agree to do it?” I was in utter disbelief.
“I’m going to sign the contract tomorrow.”
“Are you sure about this?”
“Didn’t I say that I’d do anything for Yu Mogwo?” Chui Yuk said, smiling.
“I can ask Sam for help. I can borrow $300,000 from him,” I told Chui Yuk.
Chui Yuk took my hand. “You’re such a decent person. You really are my best friend in the entire world. But if you ask Sam if you can borrow money from him, surely it’ll make things worse for you. If a woman breaks up with a man, then goes and asks him for money, he’ll despise her. It’ll ruin all of the wonderful memories that the two of you share. That’s a much bigger sacrifice than for me to show my breasts.”
“But you’re a woman. What are you supposed to do after this?”
“I can’t express how happy I am to be a woman. How else would I ever be able to make money off these two little things on my chest? Please don’t make this out to be worse than it actually is. A well-known Japanese photographer is going to be shooting it. He’s done a lot of photo books for female celebrities. This video is going to be totally artistic. It’s going to be sexy, not pornographic. I don’t have to have sex with any male lead. You have to take advantage of being young and get some beautiful pictures taken of yourself!”
“But this video is going to be sold to the public. Any man could just buy one and watch it.”
“They can already look at me on the street. Besides, they won’t even know who I am. Wouldn’t you agree that I have a great figure?”
“They wouldn’t have asked you if you didn’t.”
“So wouldn’t it be a complete waste if I didn’t do it?”
“They’re telling you all these things to flatter you, aren’t they?”
“Listen to me. When a woman has a great figure, a day will come when it’s a thing of the past. The only thing in life that I have to be proud of—aside from Yu Mogwo—is my figure. A few years from now, after I’ve had Yu Mogwo’s babies, am I still going to have my figure? What’s wrong with keeping a memento?”
“Let me ask you a question. If Yu Mogwo didn’t need $300,000, would you still be doing this?”
“No, I wouldn’t.”
“So there you go. This idea that you should get some beautiful pictures of yourself is bullshit. You’re deluded.”
“Well, I’m doing it. So why not hope for the best?”
I felt sad. I wanted to tell Yu Mogwo.
When I met up with Yau Ying for coffee later that evening, I told her about Chui Yuk’s plans.
“If you tell Yu Mogwo, Chui Yuk’s going to be mad at you,” Yau Ying said.
“If she goes through with it, she’s going to regret it.”
“Why are you trying to stop her from making a sacrifice for her man?”
I’d expected Yau Ying to take my side. I never would’ve guessed she’d be more open minded than I was.
“For a man like that, would you call it a sacrifice? It doesn’t seem like he’s even financially independent.” Yu Mogwo was starting to disgust m
e.
Yau Ying sighed. “Women always think their own man is worth making sacrifices for. It’s other women who don’t think those men are worth those women’s sacrifices.”
“But of course!” I cackled.
“Daihoi seems to have gotten involved with another woman,” Yau Ying told me, sounding agonized.
“How’d you find out?”
“It’s just a sense I get. I don’t have any proof.”
I remembered the woman who called Daihoi on his cell phone.
“The first day that I moved into my new apartment, remember how you lent me Daihoi’s cell phone? A woman called for him that night.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Yau Ying said, growing tense.
“She didn’t say anything. I thought she and Daihoi might just be friends or that she might be one of his clients.”
“It could be her. What did she sound like?”
“Very pleasant. I felt like I’d heard her voice somewhere before.”
“Where?”
“I can’t remember.”
“Is it Olivia Wu?”
“No way. You think it’s her?”
“I did before. But I no longer think so. Daihoi wouldn’t go for her type.”
“You shouldn’t be suspicious of Daihoi. Men don’t like it when women are suspicious of them.”
“That’s why he doesn’t know I’m suspicious of him.”
“That’s right! You’re terrible!” I suddenly recalled what Daihoi had told me when I went out to lunch with him.
“Not only does he feel like you don’t distrust him, he also thinks that you don’t even care about him!”
Yau Ying let out a self-deprecating laugh. “If only I were more like Chui Yuk.”
“Like her?”
“Loving without so much as a second thought.”
“Yeah, she’s really sweet.”
I didn’t know whether it was actually a problem between Chui Yuk and Yu Mogwo, but Chui Yuk was too giving. If Yu Mogwo ever ceased to be faithful, it’d be a huge blow to Chui Yuk. But in Yau Ying and Daihoi’s case, it was more complicated.
“Every relationship comes with its own trials and tribulations,” I said.