Gibb River Road

by Damian Maher

  After they had played in the water for quite some time, feeling fresh and in good spirits, they decided to do the steep Wangi Falls Walk, leading up over the falls and back to the parking lot. The tropical rainforest that surrounded the falls was a sight to behold, as it was endowed with a rich array of wild flora, some of which were quite rare, including swamp bloodwoods, paperbarks, pandanus, and ground orchids. They saw dollarbirds and rainbow bee-eaters, and, probably because they tried to observe nature silently, they also saw possums and wallaroos roaming across the forest. William took as many pictures as he could.

  Upon their return to the camp, they took another swim before they headed for breakfast.

  “Why do you take so many pills?” Jacob asked as he saw William throwing a fistful of pills into his mouth just before drinking his coffee.

  “I believe in vitamins,” William answered. “I take them twice a day.”

  “Gosh, you’re going to live forever!” Jacob had intended to tease William but then stopped, sensing that he had somehow offended him.

  “Let’s get out of Litchfield as soon as we can. I don’t have a good feeling when I think about yesterday. Let’s change this and start anew! What do you think?” William asked.

  “Let’s shove off,” Jacob said. “Who’ll drive?”

  “I really feel like driving today!” William said.

  “Good. So we are going almost back to Darwin and then to Jabiru in Kakadu National Park?”

  “I think that’s good. Tomorrow, on our way from Jabiru to Pine Creek, we can do Twin Falls. They say they are not to be missed.”

  As they were driving toward Darwin, Jacob observed William. He might be slightly hysterical and a little bit naive, but he is a good guy.

  “Want a soda?” he asked William. “I’ll have a beer. I’m not driving.”

  “Yes, please. Isn’t it time for my daily dose of ‘Casta Diva’?” William asked, adjusting the music.

  “You got me hooked on it,” Jacob said. “I don’t recognize myself. I never listened to operatic arias before!”

  They listened to the music, taken by the beautiful and quickly changing Australian landscape. After they left the monsoonal rainforests, they drove through the grasslands dotted with high trees and then through the dense bush.

  I used to look better, but now that’s gone, Jacob thought, as he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the rearview mirror. He was careful not to catch a glimpse of his reflection again.

  After he finished his can of beer, Jacob opened another one.

  “ They say that happy people are all the same but that every unhappy person is unhappy in his own way. Are you going to tell me what is hurting you so much?” William suddenly asked.

  “No.”

  “Oh, come on! I think you’re holding back too much. Trust me—surrender! You have to fall apart to eliminate the pain and become yourself again,” William said.

  At first Jacob didn’t say anything.

  “I’m not even an amateur herpetologist, as you probably already know. And yes, I did try to kill myself . . .” Jacob finally said, still hesitating.

  “I understood that. But why?” William asked, a quiver going down his spine.

  “We were a family—my wife, Katherine, my daughter, Melanie, and me. We were very much aware that we had our own little heaven. Until . . . until that horrible day . . .” Jacob’s voice started to tremble, and he stopped for a moment. “They called me from the kindergarten and told me that Melanie was missing. They’d searched in and around the kindergarten, and she was nowhere to be found. Petrified, they had already called the police, assuming she had been abducted. But they had also hoped that, because we lived near the kindergarten—Melanie could practically see our house from there—she might have sneaked out to go home, maybe wanting to take her doll. We went to see whether she was somewhere near our house, playing on the street or on the public playground, but we couldn’t find her. Police found no clues with which to start an investigation. Our family, our friends, our neighbors—we all were searching the area, putting up posters, alerting the media. No results. After two days the police came. They told us that they’d found Melanie. In a garbage container. The post mortem examination showed that she had been sexually abused. She bled to death. I remember her delicate porcelain skin. I always called her my rose. She was six years old when she died.”

  William stopped the car and quietly took Jacob’s hand. As Jacob glanced at William’s face, he saw tears coursing down his cheeks.

  “I didn’t want to make you feel bad. I’m sorry. But you wanted to know . . .” Jacob said.

  “No, no, it’s all right,” William said, pulled into Jacob’s sorrow.

  “You can imagine how it is to bury your own child who has suffered like this. It breaks you. It simply breaks you. You don’t want to bend. You want to break. You want to be gone.”

  “I can’t even imagine how hard this must have been . . . and still is . . .” William said.

  “After the funeral, everything stopped for Katherine and me. Our life was empty. Only a void filled with pain remained. Police did find the offender quickly, after a week, through DNA evidence. At times I still have this impulse to break into the prison and kill the bastard.” Jacob was talked earnestly, as if he were living it all again.

  “Such offenders have too many rights in legal proceedings,” William said.

  “ We couldn’t cope with the loss of our daughter. And it was funny, everyone around us scattered, afraid to approach us. After all, what do you say to people like us?”

  “It’s hard for you and for the people around you.”

  “‘Pills?’ my wife simply asked me one day, exactly a month after the funeral. I nodded. We didn’t have to say it. We both knew we wanted to die. We couldn’t live anymore. Over the coming days, we both got as many psychotropic pills as we could. We decided to take them the next Friday. We knew we wouldn’t be disturbed over the weekend. Then, on Saturday evening, I woke up, dizzy. I saw Katherine lying next to me, cold and pale.”

  “Oh, my God, Jacob!” William whispered.

  “I buried her, too. It was even harder for me to live. It was not fair! Why should I have lived? Only my dear secretary, Agnetha, could reach me. Nothing helped. The relaxed and trusting, curious boy in me died. He is lying there with my daughter and my wife. There were many days when restlessness made me disgusted with my work, even though all that was left was my work and the people I took care of and worked with. During this year of depression, I struggled every day, feeling that God had left me. Only the thought of a trip to Australia consoled me. Maybe a snake bite? I wanted to die in physical pain. I wanted the physical pain to be stronger than my emotional pain, so I could relax from it and die thinking of my dearest. I arrived in Australia, and then I met you, William. That’s my story.”

  William squeezed Jacob’s hand and gave him a hug.

  “This is so hard. But it’s almost as if you think that torturing yourself is necessary if you want to be loyal to your lost ones. But it’s not. You carry them in your heart. They are with you. Always. You didn’t do anything to cause the situation. You have survived, and you should not feel guilty because of it,” William said.

  “You actually have moved something in me. Although it’s incredibly hard, I’m starting to see your point,” Jacob said. “You’re a good friend, William.”

  “I’m so glad I could help you. No man is an island,” William said.

  “I guess you’ve helped me more than a psychotherapist. My sister, Tara, practically forced me to see one, but I stopped after a few sessions. A lot of gobbledygook and dry wisdom,” Jacob said.

  “It looks like we both have our apartments but no home. We don’t belong. But, hey, now we have a kind of home, even if it’s mobile. And our lives, just like this wilderness, are not that dangerous because of it,” William said.

  “Here’s to that!” Jacob raised his third can of beer, which was almost empty. “See, without beer I would
n’t be able to talk about this. That I have to admit.”

  “Just don’t start to rely on that friend too much.”

  “ I know. I won’t,” Jacob promised.

  “But you can get drunk today. This is a very special day!” William said.

  “Okay. I will!”

  “See, Jacob, I told you! In a way you had to fall apart and reach the bottom. Now you can start to become yourself again,” William said.

  “I hope so,” Jacob said. “And I must remember . . . Agnetha worries now about me being in Australia. The next time we have a connection, I have to reply.”

  William started the car, still looking at Jacob. They drove in silence, but it was a comfortable silence this time.

  Since South Alligator River cut across the Arnhem Highway on their way to Jabiru, they decided to take a break there. They saw signs not to approach the muddy water because, although it’s called Alligator River, very large saltwater crocodiles inhabit it.

  “You can’t go near the water. There is a sign saying, ‘Crocodiles—Do Not Enter the Water,’” William said as he saw Jacob approaching the river on the concrete ramp for boats.

  “I see no crocodiles here,” Jacob answered.

  “The crocodiles know how to hide and surprise you,” William said, acting cool.

  Jacob stepped into the water.

  “Come back! Immediately!” William screamed.

  “ Yes, Mum,” Jacob said, jumping back from the water, suddenly scared.

  “Don’t you understand how dangerous it is?” William asked him as he came to the camping table.

  “Yeah, I know, but I’m just not that afraid. It’s not like I wanted to kill myself.”

  *

  After they drove through the small town of Jabiru and stopped at the store, they arrived at the Anbangbang Rock Shelter area. Delighted by nature’s abundance, they walked to see the old Aboriginal cave paintings—some of the most famous in Kakadu National Park. From Gunwarrdehwarrde Lookout, they observed the sea of trees, crowned by the streaks of orange left by the setting sun at the horizon. A flock of noisy black cockatoos sat in the trees, eating seeds that they held in their talons.

  Taken by the magical sights, they watched the play of the shadows and the dying sun, absorbing every last minute, until they had to leave to find a nearby campsite.

  “I don’t know how, but the power of nature in Australia can make you feel kind of transported,” William said as they sat in front of the car. “It was so beautiful at the Gunwarrdehwarrde Lookout—it’s a shame one isn’t allowed to camp there.”

  “Somehow, I can only stare in front of me now. That’s all I am able to do right now,” Jacob said, sprawled out on a fragile camping chair .

  William stayed with him for a while, but then he sensed that Jacob needed to heal alone. He decided to go to the car and listen to some music on his headphones. Although he had thought it was over, William still had some healing to do himself.

  From time to time, William saw Jacob coming to the cabin to take another beer from the fridge, and then he fell asleep. When he woke up in the middle of the night, he looked down to check on Jacob, but he wasn’t there. He jumped from his bed and found him sleeping on the camping chair, his head leaning backward. He alternately snored and gasped for air. There were five squashed cans of beer lying around him.

  “Jacob!” William called.

  Only half-awake, Jacob didn’t answer. He mumbled something, trying to swing his arm, and then he fell asleep again.

  “Come on,” William said, trying to wake him up. He put Jacob’s arm on his shoulder, pulled him up, and put him on his feet. “Let’s go to bed,” he said, dragging him toward the car.

  As he held Jacob, feeling his body, William realized how much he desired him. He wanted to hold him, to comfort him in his embrace. He would have given anything to be with him, but he knew that it was wrong to feel that way. I have to hold myself back, William thought. At the same time he smelled Jacob’s body and clasped his companion against him. I am allowed to enjoy this for a second. It obviously doesn’t mean anything, he thought. But later, as he was tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep, he wished he could feel the touch of Jacob’s body again. He watched Jacob sleeping peacefully on the bed below. Through the side window he saw hundreds of stars shining in the clear Australian sky, but the most distant one, the one that he wanted most, lay right next to him.

  *

  When William woke up the next morning, Jacob was already preparing breakfast.

  “Jesus, don’t you have a hangover? You were drunk as a skunk yesterday. I had to drag you to bed, remember?”

  “No, I’m fine. I only had some beer. Coffee?” Jacob handed him a cup.

  “Thanks. I must look awful,” William said, yawning.

  “Yes, you do,” Jacob said playfully.

  “Fuck off!” William said, trying to slick his hair back with one hand.

  “Good morning to you, too,” Jacob said. They both laughed and enjoyed breakfast small talk.

  “Shall we take it easier today and not drive too much? We could do the Twin Falls and then continue driving on the Kakadu Highway to Pine Creek. We could spend the night there. What do you say?”

  “Great. I’ll do the dishes today. Let’s shove off as soon as possible!” Jacob said.

  William felt energetic and in a good mood. Whistling, he took two bottles of water from the fridge and put them in the front cabin.

  “What a beautiful mooorning, what a beautiful daaaay,” William started to sing, as Jacob drove.

  “You should sing at the opera!” Jacob said loudly, clearly wanting to interrupt William’s discordant singing.

  “I guess I could,” William laughed.

  “Shit. William! I think there’s a snake in the car. I feel it slithering around my leg,” Jacob said, his voice growing high-pitched.

  “I see it,” William said, squeezing himself to the other side of the front seat. “Try to pull over. We have to get out,” William said, taking control of the situation.

  From below Jacob’s seat, the snake headed toward the gear stick and then crawled up onto the dashboard and tried to squeeze itself lengthwise below the front window, its head toward William’s side. Then, as it couldn’t hold itself there, the snake fell into William’s lap. Fuck, oh, fuck! Play dead! Don’t breathe! William told himself.

  Then the snake started to crawl peacefully toward the door, clearly trying to find a way out. It was not trying to bite them. Jacob pulled the car to the shoulder, ran out, and opened the door on William’s side. The snake quickly found its way into the bushes beside the road.

  “ Shit! Oh, fuck! Jacob!” William started to breathe.

  “You look pale,” Jacob teased him.

  “You should see your own face!” William replied.

  “They say that driving is statistically more dangerous than flying. I definitely believe that now!” Jacob said.

  “But we must admit, this whole situation is entirely our fault. This morning I found the driver’s side door ajar. In the abin it was warmer than outside, and the snake must have crawled into the car during the night,” William said.

  “What a stupid thing to do! How could we have left the door open in the middle of snake land?” Jacob slapped himself on the forehead.

  “I think it was a nonpoisonous olive python, though. It was about two meters long and greenish. See?” William showed Jacob a brochure he had picked up at the gas station.

  “We got very lucky, then!” Jacob said. “More than lucky!” William answered.

  After they collected themselves, they continued the drive toward Twin Falls. The portion of the drive on the Kakadu Highway was smooth, but as they turned onto the gravel road, conditions were getting worse and worse, until, as they were approaching the Twin Falls, they decided it would be best if Jacob put his experience in extreme conditions to use. Several sandy patches and a few deep creek crossings, inhabited by crocodiles, meant one definitely needed f
ourwheel-drive and a snorkel on one’s vehicle. There were holes on the road as deep as half a meter, and the huge motor home at times could barely squeeze between the trees. They felt a special satisfaction when they managed to arrive unharmed at the Twin Falls parking area.

  From there, the boat shuttle took them through the stunningly beautiful Twin Falls gorge and dropped them close to the falls. They still had to walk over some rocks and then over a boardwalk before ending up at a big pool with a sandy beach at the bottom of the falls. Although it was supposed to be safe, they noticed that swimming was not allowed in the gorge and in the pool below the falls so that the pig-nosed turtles breeding on the tiny beaches along the gorge wouldn’t be disturbed.

  They were alone at first, but soon two other men arrived.

  “Those two guys are gay. I just can tell,” Jacob said.

  “I’d like to say hi,” William said.

  “Would they be more interesting for you than I am?” Jacob asked.

  “I don’t know. I’d just like to talk to them,” William said.

  “Okay,” Jacob said, his head bowed.

  “Perhaps they can give us some useful information.”

  “Okay,” Jacob said, slowly walking away.

  William talked to the couple, but he quickly finished the conversation and headed toward Jacob, who had gone away to the other side.

  “They told me about a nice camper park in Pine Creek, so this evening we won’t have to search blindly for an overnight stay,” William said, as he reached Jacob.

  “We could find a caravan park on our own. We’re not stupid,” Jacob said.

  “Let’s lie down on the soft sand and enjoy the sun,” William said.

  “Yes, let’s do that,” Jacob agreed, taking his shirt off.

  William closed his eyes. Jacob’s impossible attractiveness was too much to handle. His masculine smell attracted William so much that he felt he might do something unreasonable.