by Damian Maher
“And the second experience?” William asked.
“The second experience was weird. Very weird. I was about seventeen years old. I was in a train, alone in the car. Suddenly, a few minutes after the stop, a hot, tall young farmer came in. He looked so horny that I figured he would fuck a goat if he could find one. I pretended to sleep, but I couldn’t stop looking at him secretly with one eye. I kept looking at his crotch. It was obvious that he had a huge cock. That made me horny somehow. My cock hardened, and I almost fell asleep. I wasn’t aware that he noticed it. But then, suddenly, he closed the curtains and I felt him opening my trousers. I was half-asleep, and I couldn’t react immediately. If I had been fully awake, I would have refused him. But as it was, I somehow couldn’t do anything. Perhaps I didn’t want to. He took my cock out of my pants, and, thinking of a woman’s breast, I enjoyed the warmth of his mouth. He was sucking my cock like no woman had sucked it before. I don’t like men, I thought to myself. Then he got up and slapped my face with his huge, fat cock. I opened my mouth. It was like a reflex. I started to suck his cock. In that moment I realized that I like men at least as much as women. I’d been taught differently, but there it was, my truth: I like cock—I really like it. I still had my eyes closed. As he was in my mouth, I felt like his goat. He got his way with me. As I opened my eyes, I saw him coming on the train window. It was seconds before his station. ‘Bye,’ he said with his eyes, and he ran, so as not to be too late to get off at his stop. I quickly took a Kleenex and wiped the window, and in that second I came myself. I realized that I could also love a man. But I also like women. I guess, with me, it’s more about the color of the eyes than about the sex of the person,” Jacob said.
“But you seemed to have forgotten those experiences . . .” William said.
“They were there, but as some kind of a black-and-white background movie. The main movie was pleasing my father. I never felt good enough. He would have crushed me in his little sadistic ways if he knew I had a gay side. That’s why I was so defensive about my feelings for men. I was raised to be macho.”
Half-drunk, they started telling stories about their lives. They both knew that nothing would ever be the same.
*
The next morning they continued their journey toward Kununurra on the Victoria Highway. They decided not to have yet another breakfast in the RV park but rather to wait until they found one of the magnificent lookouts and spend time there. Soon there was a wonderful spot from which they could admire the Australian plains as far as the eye could reach. They had an abundant breakfast, and afterward they sat in their portable chairs, having their coffee and admiring the beauty of the views.
As William was doing the dishes, Jacob called him, saying, “William, come quick! I want you to see something!”
“What?” William came rushing out of the car. “Oh! He’s gone. See, I saw a kangaroo there . . .” Jacob started to explain, but then he stood behind William and started kissing his neck. He felt William trembling, and by the feel of his body he knew that that was all he wanted. He turned to William and looked into his eyes.
“Do you like me touching you?” he asked.
“I do!” William said, giving Jacob a kiss on his lips. He then put his head on Jacob’s shoulder and snuggled up to him, holding a pan in one hand.
“Where is this road leading us?” Jacob wondered.
William didn’t say anything.
William’s strange silence disturbed Jacob. “What is with you? Why so silent? I thought you liked me?”
“I do. I like you very much. It’s just that I’m kind of . . . not so well emotionally,” William said.
“That doesn’t sound like you,” Jacob said. “Is there something wrong? Do you regret that you found me under that tree?”
“ No! I’m so happy that we are together,” William said and then remained quiet for a while. “But you seem tense, too. Is it too soon for you to be dating? Do you think Katherine was the perfect wife for you and that anyone else would fall short? Is that true? Until now you couldn’t imagine being with anyone after your wife,” William said.
“Well, to some extent that’s true,” Jacob said. “But I’m also ready to move forward and face the future. That’s your fault, actually!”
“I understand. No one is pushing you. This is not a race. We don’t have to get anywhere. We are just there for each other.”
“Okay. That suits me well. But still, can I kiss you one more time?” Jacob said, looking deep into William’s eyes.
“Yes sir! You most certainly can!” William said, but again Jacob noticed some restraint in his smile. Why am I having this funny feeling?
“There is not much civilization between Timber Creek and Kununurra. Almost none, to be exact. There are still about 150 kilometers to Kununurra.” William was thinking out loud as they continued their journey.
“Only a few cars pass this road each day,”
Jacob said. “Do you realize that we’re here alone?” “It couldn’t be better. I like being alone with you,” William said, looking into Jacob’s eyes. “What’s wrong? Tell me,” Jacob said tenderly. “Please tell me.”
“ Nothing’s wrong,” William said.
Are his eyes about to water? Jacob wondered as he quickly glanced away from the road. They drove in silence for a while.
“I have HIV,” William blurted out.
“What?” Jacob said in disbelief, immediately stopping the car. “What? Is that true?”
“Yes, it’s true,” William said, curling up into a ball and leaning against the door. “I kind of tried to forget about it, but I can’t. Now that we are coming together, now that what I wanted so much is coming true . . .”
“I’m so sorry, William!” Jacob took William’s hand in his. “And I’m sorry for being so rude to you. Now I understand why you’re so concerned about your health. If only I could take some of my words back. Forgive me, please! I feel so ashamed to have called you a fairy. And a singing faggot. May all that rain on me like hail,” Jacob whispered. “You know
that I have a strong tendency to fuck things up.” William smiled. “It’s okay. I knew you didn’t mean any harm. But you never called me a singing faggot!”
“I did, in my mind,” Jacob said. “But seriously, you are much stronger than I am. You take what comes so stoically. And you give so much to other people. I admire you.”
“And how do you feel about me being HIV positive?” William asked, his voice shaking.
“You told me, ‘If you don’t connect to your heart, than you just don’t connect to your life.’ I’ve just started to live my gay side. Now you tell me that you are HIV positive. I just can’t cope with this right now. My mind is a mess,” Jacob said.
“No wonder,” William said.
“Do you know how you got infected?” Jacob asked.
“I know that very well!” William said angrily. “I got it from Marlon.”
“What? You got it from that son of a bitch?”
“Yes. He didn’t tell me until I tested myself. When I told him that I was HIV positive, he wasn’t surprised. ‘You’re not the only one. I have it, too,’ he said. ‘What?’ I said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? I could have protected myself!’ He said that he was afraid I’d throw him onto the street. He didn’t even insist on using protection, not even before he started taking medication that should suppress the virus to a minimum level,” William said, rolling his eyes.
“I can’t believe how reckless this man was. Was he cheating on you?” Jacob asked.
“He later told me that he was going to gay clubs and fucking around. He said that he used condoms and that it was just that one time that he let this gorgeous young hunk come in his mouth.”
“Idiot!”
“Before he disappeared, this gorgeous angel then told him, ‘Now you’ll get to know the devil yourself.’ Marlon immediately understood what that meant. The next day he rushed to the hospital, told the doctor what happene
d, and asked for the postexposure treatment. You know, if you get it in three days, it may kill the virus in your body entirely.”
“And he didn’t get it?” Jacob asked.
“No, he didn’t. The doctor told him that this was a low-risk situation that required no postexposure treatment. ‘You could have strong side effects during the month of taking the medicine,’ the doctor said. Marlon insisted that he wanted the treatment, regardless of what the side effects might be, but the doctor went on and on about how it was a low-risk situation and that he couldn’t give Marlon the treatment. Marlon said that he didn’t care, that he would sign anything if the doctor would just give him the treatment. The doctor told him to repeat the HIV test in a month, but that if he got symptoms of an acute infection, he could come back earlier. Marlon protested that if he were infected, the three days after sex were his only chance, but the doctor just said, ‘I wish you luck. Do a test in four weeks.’ Sure enough, the test was positive,” William said.
“This infectious disease specialist is actually part of the problem, not part of the solution,” Jacob said in disbelief. “Although Marlon could have been HIV positive before that gorgeous angel kissed him.”
“Exactly. After Marlon told me that he also had HIV, I went to this doctor and explained to him what had happened to us. He claimed that he had acted upon valid medical principles and that no doctor would give you the postexposure treatment in the case of oral contact with sperm.”
“Such a tragic situation,” Jacob whispered.
“ I still stayed with Marlon. I tried to understand him. But then he left me for an older, rich daddy bear whom he met at a gay club cruising area. You can imagine how that made me feel. I don’t believe him anymore. Who knows what really
happened.”
“You acted human despite everything, and you showed who you are. I hope you will stay like this. Don’t let it change you!” Jacob said.
“I won’t. But still, it wasn’t easy to cope with all of that. I was hoping that coming to Australia would make it easier.”
“Oh God! Then you met me. Just what you needed,” Jacob said.
“Exactly! I need a man like you. I don’t mind people having problems. What counts is their personality—their uprightness and decency. And you have all those things that matter most, Jacob. It’s just that now, as we are coming closer . . .”
“Don’t think about it now. I don’t know what to think about it myself. Let’s just hug and see what happens,” Jacob said.
In Jacob’s arms, William started to cry. He shook and gasped for air and wept inconsolably. Jacob didn’t release him from his embrace, not even for a moment.
*
They arrived in Kununurra in the afternoon. Since this was the last big shopping opportunity before heading to the almost unpopulated Gibb River Road, they wanted to refill the fridge.
After shopping, they roamed about the small Outback city of Kununurra. The town, with about 7,000 inhabitants, is situated among the magical hills and ranges of the far northeast Kimberley Region, with an abundance of fresh water. In the local Aboriginal language Kununurra means “meeting of big waters.” Probably because everything in this town is near the center, they finished sightseeing quickly and decided to visit the small Mirima National Park, also called Hidden Valley.
They left the car outside the gate and took the foot path, observing the sandstone formations that resemble the domes of the famous Bungle Bungles. Saying nothing, as their hands touched, they saw in each other’s eyes that much more was happening between them than simply sharing the experience of the dangers and magic of the Australian Outback.
A very friendly supermarket sales clerk had told them that Kununurra had one of the best sunsets in Australia, and to finish their sightseeing for the day, they decided to climb up Kelly’s Knob. On the last bit—a rocky path with steps and handrails—Jacob noticed that William withdrew to his inner world. As he watched William walking in front of him, he didn’t see an HIV infection on two feet but rather someone he wanted to hold in his arms.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Jacob said as they reached the top. They were alone. Jacob noticed that William wasn’t able to speak, so he just took him into his embrace, holding him strongly from behind, his head resting on William’s shoulder. William took Jacob’s hand into his and leaned his head against Jacob’s. They become one as they watched the sunset, raptly observing the irrigation areas and farmlands, the dam, the small airport, the nearby mountain ranges, and the lake. Blinded by the sunset and holding each other, they melted with the light.
*
Early next morning, after they had slept and recharged the car batteries in the Kununurra RV park, they continued toward the legendary Gibb River Road. This bone-shaking dirt track right through the wild heart of the Kimberley spans some 670 kilometers from Derby on the west coast to the junction of the Great Northern Highway between Wyndham and Kununurra on west Australia’s eastern border. Initially it was constructed as a beef road to transport cattle from the surrounding stations; today the worst parts are reinforced with concrete. “The Gibb” runs through a spectacular landscape of intensely colored mountain ranges, dramatic gorges, and lush rock pools and waterfalls.
The feelings of the past evening worked their way into a beautiful new day.
“I don’t understand what’s happening with us,” William said as they were driving.
“ Me neither. I can’t think. I feel like a ghost floating through the beauty of this morning,” Jacob said.
“The way the rising sun penetrates through the grass and the trees, and the way the brilliant red of the soil radiates in the sun . . . it’s just—I can’t stop watching it,” William said. Each expanse that opened anew was different and charming, with its own special nuances.
Jacob took William’s hand and gave him a loving glance. Nothing else existed as they drove through the kangaroo’s land.
“Please, Jacob, it’s a number one. Try to stop the car somewhere. I hope those road embankments don’t go forever,” William said.
“Oh, look, there’s a good spot.” Jacob pointed at the extended roadside they were approaching.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” William said, jumping out of the car. He quickly tried to wade across the dusty red sand to the hard, grassy area near the waterhole.
“Come quickly! It’s a bluetongued lizard!” William shouted, motioning for Jacob to come.
“Great!” Jacob shouted back. “But I don’t feel like getting out of the car right now.”
“Fuck!” William shouted after some time, but this time with horror and agony in his voice. As he was carelessly rushing back to the car, he had accidentally stepped on a snake. He felt his spine freezing with horror.
“ Okay, I’m coming!” Jacob said.
“Forget about the lizard! I just got bitten by a snake!” William said, already calm and focused on the solution. Even before Jacob could get there, he took off his belt and tightened it around his leg just below the knee. The snake had bitten him above the ankle.
“Do you remember what the snake looked like? Any details?” Jacob asked, checking the terrain.
“It all happened so quickly. It hissed fiercely as I stepped on it. I could only see a black head and a part of a fat body before it glided into this bush.”
“Okay! Try to stay as calm as possible. I’ll carry you to the car and get you to the hospital. At least we know where the hospital is. We’ll be there in less than an hour,” Jacob said. “Does it hurt?”
“No, not much. It feels like the thorn of a rose. See, there’s even some blood,” William said.
As Jacob was carrying him on his back, and he felt his strong body, William couldn’t help but feel happy.
“Do you have health insurance for Australia?” Jacob asked as he put William on the seat, in a more horizontal position.
“Sure. I never travel without insurance,” William said. He felt Jacob’s whole body shaking.
>
“Why are you smiling now?” Jacob asked.
“It’s because I like how you take care of me. I feel so safe,” William said.
Jacob ran to the other side of the car and jumped in. “Of course I want to help you!”
“ Don’t drive too wildly! If something happens with the car, and we get stuck, I might actually die,” William said as Jacob pressed the gas pedal unreasonably hard.
“I have this car under control. Just relax. We’ll be there soon,” Jacob said, rushing. “Even if something happens with the car, we could still use a safety beacon. But driving directly to the hospital is obviously quicker.”
“It’s possible that the snake gave me an empty bite or even that it wasn’t poisonous. I only have a thirty-three percent chance of being bitten by one of the world’s most poisonous snakes. As I was preparing for the trip, I did study Australian snakes on the Internet, but, you know, there was not enough time for me to actually recognize the snake.”
“Maybe black-headed will be enough to identify it,” Jacob said, fear in his voice. “Is it starting to hurt?”
“No, not at all.”
“That’s a good sign,” Jacob said, exhausted and relieved. Then he smiled. “See? If you want something too much, it just doesn’t happen. I was running through the grass to be bitten, but no luck. That’s life!”
In a little more than half an hour, they were back in Kununurra, and Jacob immediately located the hospital.
“Wait here! I’ll tell them what happened.
Don’t move! Wait for a stretcher!” Jacob said, slamming the door and rushing into the hospital. After three minutes or so, William saw him running out, a nurse with a wheelchair behind him.
“The doctor will see you immediately. I’ll go with you!” Jacob said, trying to encourage him.
“No, that’s not possible. You have to wait in the waiting room,” a nurse said.