by Damian Maher
“Don’t do anything!” Alex said. “Let me take care of you first.”
“I can’t wait. But let me get out a condom,” William said, taking it out of his pocket. “I do nothing without a condom!”
“Clever boy!” Alex said. He then opened William’s trousers and took out his stone-hard dick. “You have the most beautiful cock!”
“You like it?” William asked.
“Yeah, I most certainly do!” Alex whispered, quickly putting a condom on.
He then kneeled in front of William and gently took his cock in his mouth. William watched Alex as he looked up at him, holding Alex’s head with his hands. Alex took his time sucking William, but then he stripped himself, too, from the waist up, slid his zipper down and pulled out his big, hard cock. Then he continued sucking William to the root, almost to the point of no return.
“I know you need it, and I’m going to give it to you!” Alex said, seized by passion. “So bend over and show me your ass!”
“Let me suck your cock first,” William begged with hungry eyes, putting a condom on Alex’s cock.
“ Suck it!” Alex commanded. William took his cock into his mouth, and it felt as if it was getting even harder. He sucked him slowly, with all the tenderness he possessed, listening to Alex’s moaning.
“Bend over now. I said, bend over!” Alex insisted, reading the energies between them. They both knew who the master in this situation was and who was to obey.
William kneeled on the sofa, obediently exposing his ass. Alex slicked his cock, spat where he was meant to, and sank into him. William moaned as Alex thrust deep into him, again and again, stronger and stronger. The lust was so powerful that the pain soon didn’t matter. William finished first, expelling his long-accumulated load. As William rode out his orgasm, Alex started to fuck him faster and faster and climaxed with a series of wild, deep thrusts. He threw both arms around William, holding him tight as he came in him, but he didn’t ease off William’s body after that. He held William tight for a long time, kissing him, until his erection subsided.
Alex then took William’s both hands, pushed him onto the sofa, and lay on top of him.
“Hold me,” he whispered into William’s ear. “Please, hold me. I need that so much. So much.”
They lay on the sofa, nestled up to each other, both knowing they were living a miracle that would soon exist only as a memory.
“Have you ever been tested, Alex?” William suddenly asked.
“ No. Why bother?” Alex said. “You are only the third man in my life.”
“You never had a relationship? Someone by your side?” William asked.
“No. That’s why I asked you to hold me. I know I’ll be living off that memory for a long time, maybe forever.”
William’s eyes watered. “Couldn’t you move to Sydney?” he asked.
“I live with my mother. ‘Leave me here and go!’ she always says. But . . . you know . . . she’s gravely ill, and I have to take care of her. My father died years ago. She’s in the hospital right now . . . who knows . . .” Alex whispered.
“It’s so sad, but this will be a new start for you. You can’t stay here alone forever,” William said.
“It would be nice to try this with you,” Alex said, kissing William tenderly.
“I’m not the right man for you. You can feel how immensely I like you, but—” William couldn’t finish the sentence.
“—there is Jacob in your heart,” Alex said for him.
“That’s the truth. I guess I fell in love with him, but then he rejected me, just as my ex-boyfriend did, and I needed . . .” William felt silent.
“You needed to feel loved. It’s okay. You’re human. We all do funny things sometimes,” Alex said.
“You are not a funny thing ,” William said. “I’ll always treasure our moments.”
“Same here,” Alex whispered.
They remained quiet from that moment on, but it was not until the wee hours of the morning that they fell asleep.
The next morning Alex brought William back to the RV park.
“Let me hold your hands one more time,” Alex said, as the first emerging sunbeams greeted their eyes.
William then kissed Alex’s hand and, without words, said goodbye.
*
Before facing Jacob, William went to the bathroom building. He needed a long, hot shower to wash away the fatigue and confusion in his head. With both hands he leaned on the wall and let the hot water flow down his body. He felt empty.
He thought of Alex and how tied he was to one place without hope. I have no right to whine, he thought. I can change things in my life.
Then Jacob came to his mind. Are we to continue traveling together? It’s not working.
He finally decided that the hot shower had helped him in some way, and he turned the faucet off. He used his shirt as a towel and then put on his trousers. With his shoes and his shirt in his hand, he headed toward the car.
“What the—” William blurted out when he saw Jacob sitting in front of the car, surrounded by empty cans of beer, all crushed. His face looked tight, and his eyes were only half-open. He had a Swiss knife in his hand, and William noticed a pile of carved branches around him. Oh, God!
“Hi!” William greeted him.
“Mmmhmmm,” Jacob uttered and looked at William for a tenth of a second. But William noticed that in this short moment a sparkle replaced the darkness in his look. He likes me . William had the same gut feeling again.
“Were you sitting here the whole night?” William asked.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Jacob said.
“But you did brush your teeth? You do that religiously!” William said.
“I didn’t!” Jacob said.
“Why did you stay up the whole night?” William asked.
“What if something happened?” Jacob said, starting to sharpen the last branch.
“Were you worried about me?” William asked.
“You saw this punk only once, and you disappeared with him . . .” Jacob said.
“Why do you think he was a punk?” William asked.
“He smoked all the time, even in the pool,” Jacob said.
“Why would you care about it? You don’t give a damn about me,” William said, deliberately trying to provoke him.
“ I don’t,” Jacob said. “I hope you two had a great fuck last night. I hope you fucked like rabbits,” Jacob said. “Not that it is any of my business, but did you fuck or not?”
William felt the impulse to tell the truth, but he couldn’t. He felt torn inside. On the one hand, he wanted to be honest with Jacob, but on the other he irrationally thought that he might lose him if he told the truth.
“I was with him,” William mumbled, still not knowing what to say and how to say it.
“So you did fuck? Not that it’s any of my concern, that is,” Jacob said.
A sudden solution came to William’s mind.
“He was with me, but I was only watching him doing his job,” William lied, feeling inexplicably bad.
“So he sucked you off?” Jacob asked, not knowing what to make of it.
“Well, that’s not sex, according to some high presidential sources. So technically I remain untouched. It also happened through the condom.” William tried to escape by joking. He was a tiny bit relieved, because at least he had told some shade of the truth.
“My thoughts are not that presidential . To me that sounds like sex,” Jacob said.
“Okay,” William said. “I’m not the president of the United States.”
Looking down, Jacob said nothing.
I can’t stand his behavior anymore, William thought. “I guess it was a mistake to travel together. We are just not compatible,” he finally said, almost suffocating.
“I guess you’re right!” Jacob said, trying to figure out what it was that he was doing with his hands.
As usual, William prepared their breakfast. After they had eaten in silence, he went to the fac
ility room to wash the dishes.
“So you’re packing?” William asked, as he returned to the car.
Jacob nodded.
“Shall we talk?” William asked.
“No! We’ve talked enough. And your actions say enough,” Jacob said.
His words burned like fire in William’s heart. “You’re an asshole!” he shouted at Jacob, tears brimming in his eyes.
“Leave me alone . . . you . . . you . . . fairy!” Jacob shouted.
William was insulted. Strangely, at the same time, he wanted nothing but to be Jacob’s man.
“Don’t waste your energy pretending,” William said.
“That’s sick! Don’t give me that psycho crap!” Jacob chastised him. “Just take me back to Katherine and leave me in the bar near the mall. I’ll manage from there.”
“If you insist,” William whispered.
On the way, he almost knocked down a pedestrian. He felt broken-hearted as they approached the bar near the mall.
“There’s a one in a million chance that we will get along well,” Jacob said, grabbing his only suitcase as he opened the car door.
“So you’re telling me that there’s a chance for us?” William asked.
“Bye!” Jacob closed the door behind him.
William stayed long enough to see Jacob taking a seat in front of the bar. As a young waiter came to pick up Jacob’s order, he decided to drive away. Is it really over? echoed in his mind.
*
Disappointed and sad, William decided to drive toward Nitmiluk and take a walk in the magnificent Katherine Gorge, which they had skipped the day before. He needed to be active to get rid of the tension in his body and in his soul, and he preferred a wilderness experience, far away from everybody else. From the Katherine Gorge National Park campground, he chose to do a four-hour Windolf Walk. The path, which was well marked, took him along the Katherine River and up to Pat’s Lookout for a sweeping view of the gorge. Although he took a break there and absorbed the sheer beauty of the stunning views, his mind couldn’t rest. What is happening with me? Marlon? He was using me, but I let him. I have to learn to set boundaries and think of me.
Then, from Pat’s Lookout, the road took him to the Southern Rockhole, but because the waterfall and swimming spot were almost dried up, he instead went for a cooling swim in the river. When he was finally tired from swimming, he sat down on a bath towel and stared into the green water. Why did everything go wrong with Jacob? Let’s face it: I love him, but he is not gay, and there’s nothing I can do.
William felt deep sadness, but then, suddenly, as he remembered his mother, one thought eclipsed almost everything else. Tomorrow, or the day after, the world will be good again, perhaps even wonderful.
*
“Thank you,” Jacob said, as the sexy young waiter brought him a double black coffee with milk and extra cream. After he’d seen William driving away, he had difficulty breathing because of the pressure in his chest. The memory of his daughter and his wife was as merciless as always, but on top of that he now felt endlessly disappointed in himself because of the way he had treated William.
He was observing cars passing by and a group of Aboriginals sitting on the grass near the mall, but he could only hear his thoughts. He was so exhausted that his mind couldn’t maintain his usual defenses, and the truth was forcing itself upon him .
What kind of a man am I becoming? Why is it so hard to accept this other part of me? I can’t be macho, like my father expects me to be. I have to be who I am. I have the right to be happy! ‘If anything happens to me, get a new life,’ my wife used to tell me.
He gazed into the distance, looking at some Aboriginal children playing. His eyes watered as he thought of William. He sensed a strong need to be alone, and he decided to walk out of the city to find a place where he could find solitude. It was hot in the middle of the day, and soon fatigue had overcome him. Near the road, he found a big eucalyptus tree and leaned on the trunk.
William! What have I done! Where are you? He didn’t even have William’s phone number. Sadness overtook him, and he screamed the loudest scream he had ever screamed in his life. Nobody came to check what was happening. He sat down and soon fell asleep. It might have been that in his sleep he turned from his old, sometimes infantile self, into the mature self he needed to be.
“Who’s there sleeping below a eucalyptus tree?” Jacob heard a voice and instantly woke up from his nap. “You look a bit haggard, though,” William said.
“Hi!” Jacob couldn’t hide his joy and relief, though he still felt a bit groggy.
“Well, absence makes the heart grow fonder! I’ve being driving around, searching for you,” William said.
“ I’m sorry, William. I’m sorry for what I said.”
“Are you?” William asked in a low voice.
“Help me, William. Help me not to fuck everything up again,” Jacob said, looking straight into William’s eyes.
“I understand. Shall we accept life as it comes? Isn’t that called wisdom?” William said, giving Jacob a hand to help him stand up. “Come on, let’s put your stuff in the car!”
“Thank you,” Jacob said.
“Shall we stay one more night in the same camp?” William asked as they drove toward Katherine.
“Whatever you say,” Jacob said.
In the car, they were quiet for a few moments.
“I lie to myself all the time. But I don’t really believe it,” Jacob finally said, his voice quiet and quivering.
“Oh? How’s that?” William asked.
“See, it’s like in donkeys. Some have everything—safety and food—and, living captured behind a fence, they don’t have to fear anything. But imagine, how do they feel when wild donkeys come to the fence from the other side? Now I feel like a wild donkey. I’m willing to accept freedom and the price of the unknown wilderness,” Jacob said.
“I guess you needed a deep crisis to liberate you from your fears,” William said.
“ I don’t want to kill myself anymore. But I guess I also can’t change as quickly as a chameleon,” Jacob said. “Let’s take it one day at a time.”
“I’m sure that your subconscious did much work recently,” William said. “Our fears are as dangerous as the Outback is, but there is a way through this.”
“I guess so,” Jacob said.
“So, what does your gut whisper to you now?” William asked. “Tell me!”
“. . . that I have to accept the part of me that likes men,” Jacob said reluctantly.
“Oh, you like men?” William asked, almost unable to breathe.
“I like you. ”
4 FEATHERS, CROWNS, AND LUNATICS
The next day they decided to start early on a fivehundred-kilometer drive toward Kununurra. As he was preparing breakfast after a cold morning shower, William enthusiastically rushed in and out of the car, singing to himself, “From LA to New York, from New York to LA . . .”
This is one singing little faggot. Jacob grinned. “What are you grinning for?” William asked. “It’s just that I don’t mind being back on the road with you. I have a feeling that our trip is yet to start. We’ll have a great time,” Jacob said, browsing through the guidebook.
Because they had to watch out for wildlife, the drive was not as quick as they thought it would be. So they decided to spend the afternoon and the night at Timber Creek, 285 kilometers southwest of Katherine along the Victoria Highway and to continue toward Kununurra the next day.
Near Timber Creek, they took a boat trip along the Victoria River, known as the wildest and most crocodile-infested river in Australia. “Often it happens that when a fisherman catches a barracuda, and he is not quick enough, the croc snaps up the fish,” the boat guide explained.
To see the sunset they drove to the Victoria River Crossing Bridge.
“Look, William! The sun still burns the red rock escarpments in the distance, although here it’s almost dark,” Jacob said. He stepped behind William, and gentl
y, almost ineptly, hugged him briefly. He then quickly moved on, as if nothing had happened.
William leaned against the fence, holding himself with both hands.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Nothing. That was the first surprise of the day,” Jacob said.
“Not bad,” William said, glowing.
“I don’t know about others, but one pair of eyes is certainly watching you,” Jacob said as darkness swallowed the bridge.
After they returned to the RV park and took a shower, Jacob revealed another surprise.
“There’s a very good restaurant here. I want to invite you. It’s on me!” Jacob said.
They spent a companionable evening in the charming Outback restaurant, seemingly in the middle of nowhere, drinking Australian wine and eating homemade spinach and ricotta rolls, a fresh lettuce salad, and for dessert a big piece of excellent carrot cake.
“Tell me, what do you like least about me?” Jacob asked, feeling the good wine.
“Well, I thought sometimes that I would rather fight with the crocodiles than with you, when you were so closed and impossible. Now it’s different, though!” William smiled. “What about you? What do you like least about me?”
“They say that one is supposed to say the bad news between two pieces of news that are positive. So, here it goes: I like your hot, tight ass and your trained physique—I figure that comes from all that healthy vegetarian food you eat—but sometimes you do maybe gesticulate too much. And I adore your smell.”
They laughed.
“So you think you might be bisexual?” William asked.
“I know that. It’s just that I was always trying to identify with my heterosexual side. Although I didn’t mean it, I even used macho, homophobic words. Like fairy or faggot . But now I’ve become that myself. And, you know what? I like it,” Jacob said. “I still see Dad’s disparaging look, though. It’s unbearable, but I’ll just have to learn to live with that.”
“So you’ve never had a gay experience?” William asked.
“ I had one. Two, actually,” Jacob said, almost feeling happy that he could come up with proof of his bisexuality. “The first one was in a summer camp, when I was about eleven years old. There was this French exchange boy with whom I shared the room. Once, under the shower, he came to me, and we jerked each other off. And that was it. It was on the last day.”