How to Break Up With Anyone

by Jamye Waxman

  Why a Disappearing Act Isn’t Cool

  Along the same lines as the spontaneous break up, you may think about how much easier it would be to end a relationship by going poof in the night. Suddenly refusing to return someone’s calls or breaking a standing get-together with no explanation can be tempting. It can be so much easier to pretend someone never existed and try to overlook—or ignore—your situation. It’s like when you were a kid and you just covered your eyes, hoping that you were suddenly invisible, or that whatever was bothering you would disappear while you weren’t looking. Unfortunately, even if you’re not looking, the problem is still there waiting for you. And while disappearing may seem like a foolproof solution to dealing with a break up, because it seems easier than actually having to end the relationship, it’s really not.

  Sure, you might want to avoid hurting the feelings of someone you once shared a best-friend charm with. Or you’re tired of the unavoidable guilt trips that come with wanting to end your relationship with your sister. Maybe you don’t want to confront your boss about leaving your job. Whatever the reason, avoidance may seem like the best technique, but technically, it’s not a break up if you don’t actually go about breaking up. If you just drop off the face of the earth, there’s no completion and a whole lot of questions.

  It may take some convincing to get you to believe that it’s better to cut ties than fade away. After all, making like the wind and blowing toward safer pastures can feel like a clean break, instead of a messy break up. It takes a lot less emotional energy to make like David Copperfield and concoct your own disappearing act than it does to face someone head-on. It sucks to say goodbye. I hate it too. I prefer “see you later.” But sometimes, saying goodbye is the best thing you can say.

  Besides, while not saying anything seems like the easy way out, it’s way harder in the long run. Over time you might feel guilt and shame about the way you ended things, and you’ll likely rethink your actions. You may even want to reconnect in the hopes that you can explain yourself, or gauge the temperature for re-upping the relationship (a chance to try the relationship over again). But if you just disappear that first time, then you have no ground to stand on. Because you left in a hurry, the other party might think you don’t deserve the chance to slowly work your way back in to their life, especially if it’s just to say your piece and leave again.

  Not to mention that you look like an ass. You can think you’re doing the other person a favor, but you’re not. And while making the situation go away without discussion may seem like a kind thing to do to a friend, it’s totally cowardly. In fact, the other person has to carry the burden of your refusal to end things with them—at least until they get over it. And they may never get over it, not without closure. So while that doesn’t make the face-to-face much easier, never saying goodbye takes a toll on the person you should have said goodbye to. If you want to break up with class, make sure you actually end the relationship.

  Real-Life Break Ups

  “I found out a friend broke up with me over Facebook. We were close friends in real life, living in the same city and seeing each other quite regularly. One day when I went to check out what she was doing, I noticed we weren’t Facebook friends anymore. She didn’t have the decency or courtesy to call and explain what happened. She just opted out. So, I blocked her. If she couldn’t show up to end things, I didn’t want her in my life at all. It’s been a few years now, and I have no idea what she’s up to. I still wonder what happened, and I would have liked to hear what she was thinking, but I’m glad she’s gone. Maybe she wasn’t really a friend. I mean do friends really do that?”

  Research on How We Break Up

  When we hear the words “breaking up,” we usually think about people falling out of love. Hence, most research on breaking up is based on romantic relationships gone sour. But that doesn’t mean this research can’t pertain to any relationship; it just reaffirms the need to talk about these other break ups more often.

  STUDY ONE: THE LANGUAGE OF SAYING GOODBYE

  Dr. Sandra Metts, Professor of Communication at Illinois State University, has done quite a bit of research on the ending of relationships.2 In one study, she looked at the language people use around disengagement (in laymen’s terms, disengagement equals breaking up). Her research found that there were two ways most people discuss a break up. The first was by discussing how their feelings had changed. By changed, the “speaker” meant that either they had diminished feelings about the “the hearer” (“I don’t like you as much”), was neutral (“I could care less”), or was disgusted (“I can’t stand you anymore”).

  When feelings weren’t the main discussion point, actions were. The speaker wanted to act to undo the relationship contract. By undoing this contract, the speaker was stating a breaking of the rules, in essence ending the relationship. For example, if you watched your best friend’s children every Thursday night, you’d no longer be agreeing to watch her children on Thursdays.

  Metts found that people generally started the break up talk discussing actions over feelings. That means they’d rather say, “I can no longer spend Thursday nights with your children,” than say, “I feel bad when I’m around you.” But the former didn’t get to the core of the issue as quickly or honestly as the latter did. The research found that if you really want to drive a message home, talking about your feelings holds a lot more weight than talking about your actions.

  When it comes to how you break up, what conversation will you have? Will you discuss the end of the business and deal with the details, or will you talk about the way you feel about your business partner and the end of the relationship? When it’s not working out anymore with your personal trainer, will you go with how working with them has impacted you, or how you hate Thursday-morning exercise routines? What about when you divorce your sister-in-law? Will you tell her about what she did or how you feel about her?

  The answer lies in the type of ending you choose to write for your story. How you hurt and how you heal are up to each individual to decide.

  STUDY TWO: AN ATTACHMENT TO BREAKING UP

  In the 1950s, Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth developed attachment theory. It’s a psychological model that looks at how human beings form relationships. The theory is based on the premise that attachment is formed (or not formed) in infancy at a time when babies have to completely rely on their adult caregivers.

  At that integral time in our young lives, one of four attachment styles is set in place. If your upbringing involved a primary caregiver who was there to help you meet most of your needs, you probably developed a secure attachment. If your primary caregiver was inconsistent in his or her ability to be there for you, you may have developed one of two insecure attachments (anxious-resistant or anxious-avoidant). If your caregiver couldn’t be there for you, you may have formed a disorganized attachment. Disorganized attachments happen when babies are ignored, abused, neglected, abandoned, or in some other way traumatized. Because people with disorganized attachments have no basis or model for forming attachments later on, they are the hardest type of person to form attachments with at all.

  More recently, University of Kansas Psychologists Tara Collins and Omri Gillath set out to uncover how attachment style affects a break up.3 Their goal was to figure out how attachment played into the ways we break up (there were seven ways of breaking up in their study). They wanted to see if a person’s attachment style would reduce negative outcomes—like violence and depression—post break up.

  Using various research modalities, Collins and Gillath found that attachment style did impact the level of directness, care, and concern toward “The Recipient” during the break up. It also played a role in determining if a person would avoid a face-to-face break up, or if they would blame themselves for the ending of the relationship.

  They found that the more securely attached, in general, “The Disengager” was when ending things, the more likely they were to do so directly, face-to-face, and with
compassion. And, they found this direct and compassionate approach reduced the negative post–break up outcomes.

  Now think about how you attached to your primary caregiver and how that may have impacted your approach to relationships. Whatever style you may have been born into, how can you handle your break up with the security, authenticity, and awareness of a securely attached person? Can you communicate your feelings about the break up from a real, genuine place and not an angry, resentful one? You can if you use phrases like “This isn’t working for me” and “I’m trying to meet my needs.” Own your reasons, actions, feelings, and words. Do it face-to-face whenever you can, if for no other reason than out of respect for a dying relationship.

  FACT: Did you know that Neal Sedaka recorded two versions of “Breakin’ Up Is Hard to Do?” In 1962 it was upbeat with a lot of doo-wop, and in 1975 it was slow and melancholy.

  Seven Steps to Breaking Up

  There isn’t a magical formula for how to break up. There aren’t a specific number of steps you have to follow to dance the dance of the undoing, but seven is a significant number. And because I like to find significance in everything, including the act of breaking up, seven is a well-thought-through number of steps to take to ensure you’re willing to end the relationship. These steps are meant to help prepare you for the break up, making sure that you’ve taken care of yourself so you can handle any conversation that may come your way. These seven steps are there to help you before, during, and after a break up. They are designed to lay the foundation for a break up conversation that doesn’t leave you stammering for words or struggling for strength.

  STEP ONE: SET YOUR MIND TO IT

  Before you head into the break up, make sure you have every intention of ending the relationship and you understand what it means to no longer have this person in your life. It’s really important to be sure you’re ready and willing to lose the relationship when you actually do it. If you can’t wrap your head around actually ending the relationship, wait until you can, or figure out an alternative plan for living with this person in your life. Don’t go back and forth in your decision—it’s not good for you or the break up.

  If you initiate a break up before you have confidence and clarity, then you can really mess with the person you’re breaking up with. They may be unsure where they stand. They may question your intentions, or wonder if you’re just having a momentary bout of crazy. On the flipside, they may end things with you before you get to say your piece, especially if you go back and forth in your decision too many times.

  If you haven’t set your mind to it, you may say things you don’t mean. A lot of times we say hurtful things to the person we’re breaking up with so we can push them away. Or we push their buttons so we can get them to do the hard work for us. And sometimes we drag them back into our thought process. We do this because we’re not really sure we can go through with the break up. And it’s a lot easier to have someone else initiate the ending for us. It may feel better to wait for someone else to end the relationship, but that’s manipulative and exhausting for everyone involved. Slipping back and forth between certainty and indecision can take a toll on your mental and physical health too. Uncertainty can cause depression, anxiety, and paranoia. It can give you a serious case of the blahs and decrease productivity in other parts of your life. So, when it comes to ending a relationship, ask yourself some questions. For example, what feelings come to mind when you think of no longer having this person in your life? Are you sure you can’t, or don’t want to, work on making the relationship better? Are you willing to never speak to this person again? Who can you turn to for support when you end this relationship?

  THE SIGNIFICANCE OF SEVEN

  Seven is significant in a lot of ways. For the religious set, it’s the number of days it took to complete creation. For those who believe that each week is a new beginning, there are seven days in the week. If rainbows are your good-luck charm, then look toward the seven colors in the rainbow. In the Chinese culture, the number seven is a lucky number for relationships. In Western cultures, it also signifies good luck. For literature geeks, seven is considered the most magically powerful number in the Harry Potter series—of which there are seven books. It’s also used in Neil Gaiman’s Sandman series when referencing the 7 Endless—Destiny, Death, Dream, Destruction, Despair, Desire, and Delirium—a group of men and women meant to embody the most powerful forces of the universe.

  Be clear about what you’re going to lose by ending the relationship. Be honest with yourself about what’s at stake. If you’re unclear about what it means to lose the relationship, you’ll be less prepared to deal with the loss. And, yes, you can never be fully prepared for what you might lose, but it can help with the recovery if you have some idea of what is not going to be in your life anymore (the good and the bad).

  Once you set your mind to it, set the person you’re breaking up with free too.

  STEP TWO: BE DETAIL ORIENTED

  Think about the details required to end the relationship. Make a checklist of things you want to make sure to say during the break up. Things to think about include: Where will you meet? How will you begin the conversation? How long are you willing to stay to hear them out? What are the next steps? How will you end the interaction?

  As far as determining the details, while it will vary depending on the relationship, it’s best to stick with short and sweet. Set a time limit of no more than sixty minutes, unless it’s a relationship that includes a lot of minute details involved in tying up all loose ends. Be specific about setting the time frame beforehand. Give them an exact time you will meet and an exact time you will need to leave by. Even if they are late, leave when you said you would.

  Meet in a public place that also allows for some privacy. Try a coffee shop with tables, or a park with lots of benches. When you approach the conversation, you’ll want to bring up the most important points, including anything that needs to be taken care of after you’ve stopped talking. (For example, if you’re breaking up with a sibling but you both still have to be involved in your parents healthcare, who handles what? Or if you’re breaking up with a friend, perhaps discuss a time frame for when you can both be in the same room with all your other friends.) You may not get all the answers you need that day, but it’s okay to bring a list of things you want to make sure you talk about.

  Get in touch with what you valued about the relationship, and accept that what was valued will be gone. Also figure out what you were getting out of staying. Did you honestly want the business to work? Were you looking to please your pastor? Did you want to look good to your friends? Figure out ways to replace what you’re losing, and remind yourself that you can survive. You will be okay.

  Also, instead of thinking about just how different your life will be without this person, career, or community, think about exactly what will be different. Are you losing your financial security? Without this person in your life, will you never know when the next best party is? Will you no longer be able to go to your Aunt Emme’s for dinner every other Sunday? Are you giving up on the idea that you’ll ever be a Supreme Court Justice by switching careers? Be specific about what has kept you going in the relationship, and be consistent about the reasons the relationship is now tearing you apart.

  The more specific and consistent you can be about the mechanics and impact of the break up, the more likely you’ll be heard before you end things. And the more likely you’ll be able to stay broken up.

  STEP THREE: DON’T PLAY THE BLAME GAME

  Before you have a conversation about why you’re breaking up, it’s important to understand your role in the end of the relationship too. As you take responsibility for your role in the break up, don’t blame it all on yourself (unless it’s actually your fault) or all on the other person. A lot of times we try to assign blame, either to the other person or ourselves, because we feel bad about our decision. We may try to rewrite reality so that we can feel better, or more justified, blaming someone for the b
reak up. Sometimes we try to figure out ways we could have prevented it from happening. But the past has happened, and the future is ours to create.

  Stop with the what-ifs and focus on the what’s next. Accept yourself. You’re not perfect. Neither are they.

  Whatever happened has happened. It’s time for the relationship to transition. So, like you would for a dying relative, make the end as comfortable as possible. Don’t try to sugarcoat the situation, and don’t try to make it different than what it was or is. Because when it’s over, it’s over just the same.

  STEP FOUR: YES! YOU! CAN!

  Be excited about your rebirth and approach this break up like it’s game seven of the World Series, bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, the winning run on third. Go all out with the old and in with the new. Feel strong and confident about taking bold steps. Be excited for the future. Be excited by your strength and determination, and use that excitement to break free. Use this excitement to approach the break up with all you’ve got. Give the “recipient” your truth. Give them a chance to speak too, and try to leave the conversation feeling excited about a future you have yet to write.

  You’ll have plenty of time to mourn what is lost, so get pumped up about creating space for new people and activities in your life. Make a list of activities you want to accomplish. Will you start your own business? Join group therapy? Go camping? Find a new meditation practice?

  Even if you decide to do nothing but accept that you have lost a parent, friend, business partner, career, or gender identity, think about how you’ve gained a bit of independence, confidence, and strength by making the decision to move on.

  STEP FIVE: DON’T GET TRAPPED

  I’m talking physically and emotionally here. Psychologist Michael Tomasello, in his book Why We Cooperate, argues that human babies, from fourteen months on, have an innate sense that helping others is beneficial to survival.4 If that’s the case, and we’re born believing that we are better off saving than severing, it can be easy to fall into the trap of never letting go. But sometimes you need to let go of someone else so you can save yourself.