How to Break Up With Anyone

by Jamye Waxman

  Why Do These Relationships End?

  Sometimes relationships end because we aren’t satisfied with the service or the service provider. Other times it’s an issue of location or relocation. When we move, we may not be able to get to our favorite massage therapist any longer.

  Another reason these relationships end is because of scheduling conflicts. Whether it’s a performer who you’ve hired for your kid’s birthday party and they decide at the last minute they can’t show up, or a doctor who can never fit you in at a good time for you, sometimes we don’t have to break up with people for what they’ve done but instead for what they can’t do.

  In these situations, you’ve got a good excuse and an easier way out. And when it’s not necessarily personal, by all means ask them to refer you to someone who fits your requirements. Asking them for help can show the other person that you value their opinion and suggestions. However, if you can’t stand them on top of the fact that you can’t get a schedule that fits both your needs, then let them go and be glad they’re gone.

  How to Break Up

  If you’re not on a first-name basis with someone, the relationship just ends and it’s pretty straightforward. But if you have one-on-one experiences with this person—meaning they know where you live, how many children you have, where your dog likes to poop, the color and shape of your pubic hair, or your morning coffee routine—things tend to feel a little more personal. And when that relationship no longer works for you, there are a number of ways you can end things.

  Even if you think this person depends heavily on your for cash or comfort, it’s not your responsibility to be their cash cow or comfy chair. Returning to the same person because you feel obligated to help them can stop you from discovering other fabulous people you have yet to meet. Without being able to try new services (and the people who provide them), you are denying yourself a chance to find the best fit. While you may feel bad that you’re no longer going to be the financial support for your eighteen-year-old dog walker, you don’t have to keep hiring her so you can make sure that while she cleans up your dog’s shit, you clean up hers. Ultimately, it’s about what you need to do to help yourself most.

  Each break up may be different, but the end result is the same. And you have the same options as breaking up with any other relationship, whether that be end it face-to-face, over the phone, through email, text or by disappearing.

  As you end a relationship with someone whose job it is to help you, check in with yourself before you completely check out on them. For example, with a therapist or even a personal trainer, ask yourself if you are setting realistic goals and meeting them. Have you finished the work you set out to do? Are they pushing your buttons because they’re trying to help and you’re interpreting this help as hurting you?

  DEAL BREAKERS

  Not sure if you’re on the outs with your doctor or your dog walker? Check out this list of definitive deal breakers when it comes to relationships of all shapes and sizes.

  •You spend too much time and energy thinking about this person.

  •You are too concerned about what this person thinks.

  •You are constantly annoyed, angry, or hurt about something this person said or did.

  •You aren’t getting anything out of the relationship any longer.

  •You feel like you’re doing more therapy than your therapist or you have to go home and fix your hair after a haircut.

  •You dread having to see this person, and you dream of never having to see them again.

  You also want to think about your comfort level around these people. When you go to meet with them, what feelings do they conjure up in you? Is it warmth? Do you get nervous? Nauseous? Does your body tingle or tighten up? Once you identify the feelings, figure out where they are coming from when you feel them. Is it your stomach? Chest? Head? All of this can help better explain how you’re actually feeling, versus what you’re thinking.

  And not only can it help you explain how you feel, it also can help you put into words the reasons you don’t want to be around them. Once you decide you are ready to stop feeling the things you don’t like, or to just stop being around someone you’re not fond of, you can make a plan of action.

  Only you can define when a relationship is relevant enough that it warrants an official undoing. And once you do, it’s up to you to decide how to set everyone free (meaning you and the person you’re dumping). The reality is, most of the time we are going to take the easy way out and just let this type of relationship go the way of the Western Black Rhinoceros (however unfortunate that may be). However, you don’t want to deal with the stress of an accidental meeting at the market, or you just want to achieve bonus communication points in this lifetime or are into practicing the art of letting people go, have a break up conversation so you can learn how to express yourself clearly, and worry less about unplanned encounters. Here are three options for those ready to break up.

  OPTION ONE: IMMEDIATE AND HONEST

  Some relationships end quickly, and the break ups are easy. No offence is taken, and life goes on. There’s generally a mutual understanding about what is causing the relationship to end (be it distance, differences of opinion, or some other way out). But sometimes things aren’t easy, and that can make it challenging to be honest.

  Being honest isn’t something we have much practice with as a society. We get the message that it’s easier to be nice than to be truthful. It helps us to look good and make another person feel good.

  But practicing honesty can be a wonderful tool for learning how to communicate more effectively and learning how to hear feedback better. When you can be honest, especially in the moment after something has just transpired, you may feel lighter, because you were free to get things off your chest. Being honest doesn’t mean you have to tell them every detail either. It just means you have to genuinely let them know why the relationship is ending.

  For example, you go to get a haircut and you don’t like it, and you’re able to tell your hairdresser how you feel immediately after it happens. You may say something like, “I’m not sure that this cut is what I wanted, but it’s the cut I have. I need to go home and sit with it for a night. If it’s not what I like, I’m going to find someone else to change it for me. I hope you understand.” Or, “I think at this point I’m too emotionally charged to come back to you.”

  When you can’t actually tell them flat-out that you don’t want to see them again, you can give them reasons as to why it’s ending. Maybe they’re good reasons too, like you’ve lost your job or your financial situation has changed. Perhaps you point out they showed up late the last three appointments, and you feel like they aren’t respecting your time. Whatever route you go, finding a way to let someone know they can’t meet your needs, or you theirs, is going to help them better understand why the relationship is ending.

  This is also great for when you are terminating service with a medical professional. If you happen to be in the office and you know you’re not coming back, telling them why can be really helpful. Especially if you are leaving as a result of something their staff did, they probably want to know what happened. Being honest about what went down can help them in the future. So, tell them if you don’t like the wait time or their medical assistant; this way, they can try to enforce positive changes. You don’t have to say much after that. You’re not obligated to see them again, but giving them feedback is a valuable tool for better service.

  Real-Life Break Ups

  “I was dumped by my dermatologist. We parted ways because we were just too different. Despite the commonalities that kept us together so long, our generational contrast was too much.

  For instance: I require the Internet to accomplish nearly everything. There is not one of my jobs I could do without it. Or at least, it would take at least three times as long. My dermatologist, on the other hand, does not appear to have digitized medical records, a website, or, as far as I saw, a professional email address.

  We
also have different ideas about the nature of the doctor-patient relationship. While I want to like my doctor, I don’t need to be friends with them. I don’t think the inner workings of my personal life are relevant to every medical visit. Other folks, many of whom are older than I, prefer to be treated by someone they know well. They build trust while having conversations at routine visits.

  I was by far the youngest person I saw in my ex-dermatologist’s office, and also apparently the only one who had a tight schedule. Not only did all his patients show up on time, some got there super early and chilled in the waiting room, enjoying (evidently) the slow jams and power ballads crackling through the speakers. It was also apparent that I was alone in my desire to be in and out without a lot of conversation. In what is probably a total coincidence, I had to wait about an hour for every five-minute visit.

  After nearly four years, this disconnect on the usage of time came to a head. I asked about creative options for getting me in and out faster. They suggested I look for another office that could meet my needs and mailed me a 1993 Ann Landers column about why doctors are always running late. I was grateful someone had called it quits before there was bad blood.

  To my dermatologist, I’m an impatient and entitled millennial who wants everything right this second. But to us—the kids who were raised on technological efficiency and who are forced, by economic realities created by baby boomers, to ceaselessly hustle at a series of part-time jobs to pay for student loans we were told would be the key to a stable financial future—[baby boomers] are the inconsiderate ones who don’t understand our needs as patients or how critical timeliness is in a job market saturated with overeducated, underemployed talent.

  What it came down to was that our generations have different values, different ideas of polite, and we are offended by different things. To get over it, I made an appointment with someone else. Hello, rebound!” —Timaree, story originally published in Philadelphia Weekly1

  Yes, this takes courage, but even if it doesn’t go as planned, you get credit for trying. And it may be the best bit of honest feedback these people have ever received. They may even appreciate it enough that they ask for one more chance to make things right. And they may not. Either way, there’s something raw, naked, and beautiful about honesty.

  OPTION TWO: TAKE YOUR TIME

  Some relationships end gradually. Because you keep the relationship going, this type of break up often becomes long and drawn out. You may dance around the issue, taking small steps forward, But without having a clear idea of when you’ll end this dying relationship, it can go on for months if not years. This can put you in a bind, but it also allows you to bide your time.

  This is a good plan of action for when you still need help but you’re not happy with the help you’re getting. Instead of kicking your kid’s babysitter to the curb, you either cut hours or days as you continue auditioning new help. And when you do find someone new, give the old babysitter two weeks’ notice, or at least two weeks’ pay. After all, it is a job, and that’s proper etiquette for job termination. You can leave on a high note by offering to be a reference for future work.

  It doesn’t have the impact of a clean break, but it allows you to slowly break away from the person you’re dealing with without simply cutting them out of your life. This is a good option with a trainer you see every day. While you may not want to end your exercise regime entirely, you may scale back from five days to twice a week. From there you can go biweekly, to once a month, to not at all.

  With these relationships, it’s important to be clear about your schedule. Give as much advanced notice as you can so they don’t feel left in a lurch. This allows them a chance to find a new client, or plan what they will do with their soon-to-be free time.

  So how does this go down? Okay, the next time you’re scheduled to see your therapist, if you’re ready to end therapy, then tell them. Therapists have a particular way they like to “terminate” a relationship, so they’ll likely want to negotiate a finite number of sessions with you. This is how they wrap things up. Your therapist may suggest four sessions, but if you want to be out in one or two, you call the shots. He or she may not agree with your decision, but they can’t force you to stay.

  OPTION THREE: THE BLINDSIDED BREAK UP

  Not all break ups go as planned, so it’s better to plan to go with the break up as it unfolds. For example, just when you think you’re breaking up with your therapist, he or she may turn the tables on you. “My break up with my therapist triggered the same physical and very similar emotional reactions to a romantic break up,” says Aiisa, a friend of mine on Facebook. “While she had been all about being vulnerable, being authentic, having a connection, and resonating, when I expressed that I felt I wasn’t seeing results and didn’t feel like I had progressed to where I would like to be at that point in time, she basically said that she didn’t want to see me anymore.”

  You may have to deal with the emotional reactions of someone you thought was trained to handle your emotions. Or when you tell your caregiver that you are letting them go, they may just up and leave weeks before you’re actually ready for them to pack their bags.

  If the break up doesn’t go as planned, be prepared to roll with the punches. Have a list of additional therapists, caretakers, or other service providers available so that even if you are caught off guard, you’re still on your game.

  Saying Thank You

  If the relationship ends on good terms, there are two ways to say thank you to a service provider. One requires you have disposable income, and one does not. If you do have a comfortable cash flow, a bonus on the last day can go a long way in showing your appreciation for their being a part of your child’s life or your house’s upkeep. Even if you didn’t really click with them on a personal level, acknowledging them on a professional level shows you are a class act.

  If you don’t have the money, or they don’t deserve it, you can write a note. Especially if you don’t have the heart to go into the hair salon after the last worst haircut you’ll ever get, mail a thank-you note to your former hairdresser. Sending a small note of appreciation for all the ways they didn’t screw up allows them to feel good about the relationship. And then let them know that you’re moving on and why. While it may be a little shocking to get a note of thanks that also acts as a break up letter, it will be less horrific if you run into them in another time and place. And they may even appreciate the notice.

  All You Can Do Is Have a Plan

  There is no perfect formula for breaking up. And while you don’t need a reason to do so, you owe it to everyone involved to be as present and honest during the break up as you can be. How a relationship ends can determine how certain situations will go down in the future. While you can’t predict how the break up will transpire, you can help choose your own adventure.

  Running away from a break up will mean you will possibly have to run away from the person if you see ever them again. But confronting the end of an “other” relationship can make it easier to instead say hello and ask how they’re doing. Taking your time to find a replacement while slowly working someone out of your life can allow you the space to move on naturally and afford you the opportunity to still have this person in your life in another capacity.

  For example, when things end with understanding and compassion, you can consider inviting your kid’s former nanny to his birthday parties if he still asks about her. You can refer your doctor to a friend (even if he or she wasn’t right for you) and continue to shop in the same outlet mall you’re former hairdresser still cuts hair in. Without closure of some kind, you might be cutting yourself off from these options.

  We all make mistakes, and we can learn a lot from them. Breaking up with people doesn’t always go as planned, but nothing does. And sometimes it’s better to have a plan and see it through than walk away just because you can.

  CONSIDERATIONS FOR THE BROKEN UP

  1.This break up may come as a surprise, but don’t let the element
of the unexpected stop you from hearing what is being said.

  2.Examine your part in the relationship and how it unraveled.

  3.Just because you didn’t work out for one person doesn’t mean you won’t work for other people in his or her circle.

  4.It’s okay to feel upset or angry, but don’t try to invalidate their story.

  5.Thank the other person for his or her honesty.

  ELEVEN

  Being Broken Up With: The Other Side of the Same Coin

  Whether you saw it coming or not, being broken up with can be a tough pill to swallow. Not only is it a blow to your fragile ego-system, but it can come as a complete and total shock. It may not make any sense, or it may take some time for you to make sense of it, but you’ve been dumped, thrown out, released from your duty as a friend, family member, physician, or bandmate.

  And it sucks. There’s no candy-coating it. It’s not fun to be rejected by someone you once had a relationship with—especially someone you hadn’t really thought about breaking up with. It’s not fun to be told you are now being discharged. But it happens. And while you may make a big deal of it (if for no other reason than because you can), one day, you may realize this person represents a small part of your life, and they are not the only person who ever mattered to you. A break up can give you a glimpse into the bigger picture and the person you are, or at the very least the person others see you as.

  On the flip side, being the one broken up with can sometimes be easier. You won’t have to beat yourself up about whether or not to stay, or figure out how you would end the relationship. You don’t have to be the one going back and forth about what to do. Even though it hurts, you are not the only one hurting. For the person who broke up with you, the hurt likely started long before you broke up and may continue long after it’s said and done.