“I don’t think I was myself when we argued.”
“I wasn’t myself, either.” He smiled suddenly. “Now come sit down before I do something crazy like pull you into my arms on my parents’ front porch.”
She sat down but was pretty sure her mouth was hanging open. “John Byler, I can’t believe you said that.”
He shrugged, not looking the least bit embarrassed. “Why not? It’s true.”
She swallowed. He kind of did have a point.
“Now, why are you all dressed up? And how come you have green knees?”
“You’ve noticed that, huh?”
“Hard not to . . . though Ezra made sure to tell me, too.”
“I’m dressed up because I went straight from church to Andy’s grave.” She hesitated, then decided to give him the full story. “And . . . my knees are green because I knelt next to his headstone and ate half a pack of Twizzlers while I talked to him.”
John blinked, like she caught him by surprise.
“I know. Kind of weird, huh?”
He nodded. “I didn’t think you liked Twizzlers at all.”
That comment startled a laugh out of her. “That’s all you have to say?”
“That’s all for now. I want to hear what you have to say. Why did you decide to visit Andy today?”
“Because I missed him.” Opening her heart, she decided to share a little more. Slowly, she told him about staying in her old bedroom and E.A. and Katie’s visit. She told him about how she’d started having her dreams again and how she was struggling with Evan’s death.
John stayed silent the whole time, letting her talk and explain and backtrack. She knew she was explaining things like a pinball machine, jumping from one topic to the next.
When she finally stopped to take a breath, he spoke.
“I’m sorry I stayed away. I thought we needed some time apart, to think about things.” He looked away. “I was wrong.”
“I missed you,” she blurted. “That’s why I came over here today. I realized that it was wrong of me to always make you do the visiting. I can come see you.”
His gaze warmed again. “When Anton told me that you were here, I felt happier than I’ve been in two days. I’m glad you came over.”
“Wait, Anton told you I was here? He knows, too?”
He chuckled. “Marie, you know my family. Nothing is private around here. No doubt half of them are standing at the windows watching us.” He leaned closer and linked his hands with hers. “Why, I betcha half of them are even brazenly trying to listen to our conversation.”
“Oh, no. Ezra teased me, asking if I was going courting. Do . . . do you think that’s what they think is going on?”
He studied her for a moment, then nodded. “Jah.”
She closed her eyes in embarrassment. “I’m so sorry. I bet they’re all going to tease you when I leave.”
“No doubt they will.” His voice sounded put-upon.
Eyeing him again, she noticed that he didn’t look upset by that at all. “John?”
With a groan, he got to his feet, pulling her up with him, since their hands were still linked. “Oh, Marie. Come here.”
And before she could do more than give a little squeak, he’d pulled her into his arms and held her close. “What about your family?” she whispered.
“Ack. I figured if they’re gonna talk and give me grief, I might as well give them something to talk about,” he murmured.
She leaned back to see his smile. “I’m glad I came by.”
He lightly kissed her cheek before pulling her close again. “Me, too, Marie. Now just relax and let me hold you. ’Kay?”
Wrapping her arms around his middle and resting her head against his chest, she did as he asked. He smelled like soap and sunshine, and she’d never felt more secure and treasured and warm in his embrace.
It felt like after several days of trying to find a place to feel comfortable again, she had finally found the place where she belonged.
TWENTY–FIVE
“John placed Marie on the floor while Will tested the fireplace. The rest of us either tried to open windows or watched Will. While I was fairly sure the old fireplace was gonna push a ton of smoke into the room, it worked just fine. Within ten minutes, a cozy fire was going.”
Molly’s parents had wanted her to stay home from work for the whole week after John’s accident. They’d said she’d been through a traumatic experience and that the Lord sometimes gave out pain and sadness in small doses, meaning that He was sure to make her feel even more upset about the accident and Evan’s death than she already did.
Molly had nodded obediently but had privately thought that her parents were completely wrong. She’d been hurting plenty already. When she’d heard about the accident, John being possibly injured, and then Evan’s death and Mary Jane’s drinking, she’d felt so overwhelmed, she’d had a difficult time breathing. She’d only calmed down after visiting with Ezra and Danny in the hospital cafeteria.
Then, she’d had to get through the funeral, which had been difficult as well. She’d started helping more with laundry and other jobs around the house. As long as her hands were busy, her private worries eased, and a hazy kind of numbness had fallen over her. She thought that was the Lord’s doing. He knew this whole experience was difficult for her to deal with, so He’d elected to give her a way to deal with it the best she could.
After another day passed and all the hoopla of Marie’s visit to John had died down, Molly knew she had to get out of the house. She told her mother that James had volunteered to take her for a walk to clear her head. But what she really had done was ask her big brother to help her get to the library so she could ask to be put on the schedule.
James, to her relief, hadn’t batted an eye at his little sister’s duplicity. Instead, he walked beside her on the sidewalk as she moved her chair forward.
Mrs. Laramie had taken one look at Molly’s eager and, well, needy expression and given her a four-hour slot for Thursday and a full day on Friday.
“Danke, Mrs. Laramie,” she said, finally feeling lighter than she had in days.
“No reason to thank me, Molly. We’ll be glad to have you back. Some of the patrons have even been asking about you.”
That made her happy. “I’ve missed them, too. I’ll see you on Thursday.”
After they exited the building, James bought them ice-cream cones from a nearby stand and sat beside her to eat. She’d gotten something called “moose tracks”—peanut butter ice cream filled with peanut butter cups, dollops of fudge, and parts of waffle cones. James got plain vanilla.
“You always get the craziest ice cream choices, Mol,” he teased.
“And you always get plain vanilla.”
“I like simple things.”
She smiled at him. “I guess I like them more complicated.” As soon as she said that, she realized their ice cream choices weren’t far off the mark. James was as perfect and straightforward as a man could be. All of their siblings and their parents depended on him.
And she? Well, even before she’d gotten in her accident she’d never taken the easy way. She wondered why that was.
She was still thinking about that when halfway home James said, “Molly, tell me the truth. How are you doing with Evan’s loss?”
With Anton, she might have fibbed. Never with her eldest brother, though. “I feel sorry for him and his family.”
“And?”
She forced herself to voice the thoughts that had been plaguing her. “And I also feel guilty that I’m not sadder than I am.”
“Ah.”
“Don’t tell Mamm,” she said in a rush.
“Why? You don’t think she’d understand?”
“Not even a little bit.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You seem certain.”
“James, you know as well as I do that Mamm wants us all to love everyone.”
“She wants us to be kind to everyone and give people the benefit of the
doubt.” He paused, looking like he was giving the matter some more thought. “And she wants us to love each other.”
A little piece of her heart hurt. She’d been secretly hoping he would understand. “You think I’m wrong.”
“I think you are being hard on yourself. No one expects you to be perfect or to always think perfect thoughts. I sure don’t.”
In spite of the serious conversation, Molly found herself smiling.
James looked shocked. “What is that smile for?”
“Because you’re James.”
“I’m not following you.”
“Oh, James. You are the oldest and almost perfect. You never gave Mamm and Daed any trouble, are now working by Daed’s side, and you’re courting Patsy Kauffman, who’s your equal in almost every way.”
He groaned. “I feel like I should bow or something, you make me sound so commendable.”
“You’re welcome to, if you’d like.”
“I am the oldest, but I’m not near perfect, sister. And for the record, I think you’re mighty special, too.”
As always, his praise filled her with warmth. “Danke, James.”
He looked down at her. “Molly, I think when we get home you should tell our parents how you are feeling and that you’re going back to work at the library.”
“I will.” Well, she wanted to. . . .
“Nee, I know you as well as you know me. You’ll put it off until you can’t any longer. Just tell them everything.”
“I’ll try.”
“Gut.” Their house was in sight now. “So, do you want to tell me what is going on with you and Danny Eberly?”
“Oh, James. Do we have to talk about this?”
He smiled, looking even more handsome than he usually did. “Anything you tell me will stay between us.”
“I’ve already gotten a talking-to from John.”
He waved a hand. “We both know John is a great many things, but he’s not a person to give relationship advice.”
This was news to her. “Do you mean because of how he acts around Marie?”
“Of course. We all know he’s liked her forever, but she was the one who stopped over here yesterday.”
“They did hug, James. I saw them.”
“Nee, you spied on them.”
“If you’re gonna chide me, you better chide Daed, too. I was right next to him at the living room window.”
“I was watching with Ezra from upstairs,” he said with a sheepish grin. “And since we’re revealing secrets, I’ll admit I was disappointed he didn’t kiss her.”
“Me, too.” She smiled up at him.
He winked back. “See? John don’t know much.”
“But you do?” She was starting to think they’d all been spying on the wrong brother!
“Come on, Molly. Talk to me.”
After debating a couple of seconds, she blurted, “If I tell you something, will you promise not to go to John—or anyone else?”
“I already told you I’d keep our conversation private.”
“Nee, you said you wouldn’t share what I told you with anyone. This is about John.”
“I promise. Tell me.”
“Well, when I was at the ticket booth with Danny, John and Marie went into the corn maze and not long after, one of the kinner that had bought a ticket after came running back out giggling, saying that he saw a blond Englischer girl and an Amish boy kissing.”
“Huh. So maybe he hasn’t been waiting on Marie to make the first move after all.” James’s eyes brightened as he looked down at her. “Have you told John about what you heard?”
“No way.”
“Why not? I would have.”
“First, right after that was the accident, and second, I don’t know. There’s a part of me that kind of likes knowing that John has a secret.”
“Ha. He only thinks he does.”
Molly noticed that James didn’t sound particularly upset about John and Marie. “Are you upset that Marie is English?”
“Nee. I mean, that’s who Marie is, ain’t so?” After Molly nodded, James added, “Besides, John is too old for me to be judging his relationships.”
“Amanda told me once that you can’t help who you love. It just happens.”
James’s expression softened. “That sounds like our Amanda, don’t it? She’s always been both a romantic and matter-of-fact about most things.”
“I suppose.” Though it was probably because of their birth order, Molly always considered her older sister to be far more interested in getting her way and being heard than interested in anything of a romantic nature.
“So, about Danny?”
James wasn’t going to let this go. “We are friends, James. That’s all.”
“That’s it?”
Though it was painful, she waved a hand in front of herself. “Come now. When you look at me, what do you see?”
“A pretty sixteen-year-old who is kind and generous?”
“Nee, I mean, what would you see if you looked at me as a man?”
He made a choking sound. “Molly.”
“I’m serious.”
“I don’t know. A pretty girl with a nice smile?”
She mentally rolled her eyes. “You are still being a broodah. If you were simply a regular boo interested in courting a girl my age, the first thing you would see would be a wheelchair, James.” She shook her head. “No, actually, all you would see would be a wheelchair.”
“I hate it when you talk like that, Molly. There’s a lot more to you than that.”
“I know,” she said impatiently. “I mean, I feel like I’ve spent most of my life trying to get people to see something besides my wheelchair when they look at me.”
He nodded. “That means the right man will see something more, too. Who knows? Maybe it will be Danny.”
“I doubt that will ever happen. He could have any girl he wanted.”
“I doubt that.”
“It’s true.” She swallowed. “He’s well liked, James.”
“You are, too.”
“He’s going to want someone better.”
“Molly—”
Forcing herself to say the words, she continued. “He’s gonna want someone who can walk, James. A woman who won’t have to ask for help when she has toddlers at home.”
Pausing next to the ramp they’d installed after her accident, James continued. “You are selling yourself short, Molly. And before you say a word about that, let me tell you this—as long as you continue to do that, everyone else is going to do that, too.”
She opened her mouth, then shut it just as quickly. Hadn’t she learned that lesson at the library? When she acted capable and professional, the patrons treated her that way, too.
James grinned. “Did I finally render you speechless?”
“Maybe. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
Just as he looked about to answer, his smile broadened. “I’d say that’s perfect timing, then.”
“Oh?”
“You have company, Molly.”
Turning her chair to the side, she spied Danny himself walking up their drive. When he saw her look at him, he waved. “Hey, Molly.”
Feeling a little weak, she raised her hand, too. “Hi.” Lowering her voice, she said, “James, what should I do?”
“Smile and get ready for Mamm to bring out lemonade and a plate of cookies.”
Just imagining her busy, inquisitive mother chatting with Danny made her wince. “Do you think she really will?”
“You have a suitor come courting, Mol,” he said, amusement in his voice. “She’ll be out here real soon. For sure and for certain.”
She stayed where she was while James walked over and said something quietly to Danny.
Then her heart started to pound when, three minutes later, James walked by, winked at her, and then trotted inside.
TWENTY–SIX
“After Will got the fire going, he helped get Marie settled on an old cushion he
found in the corner, proving to us all that he was the man to have around in any emergency.”
Molly was staring at him like she was shocked that he’d come over to her house. Her expression kind of caught Danny off guard. She’d seemed really happy to be around him at the Fall Festival. At the hospital, too.
Had her feelings for him changed already? Or maybe she was embarrassed to have a caller. Belatedly, he realized he should have asked her if it was okay for him to visit.
Feeling a little less sure of himself, he walked up the front steps. She’d gone up the side ramp that led to the front porch. “How are you, Molly?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know, exactly. What about you?”
“About the same. Is it okay that I showed up unannounced like this?”
“Of course. Since I’m not allowed to work for a couple of days, I just went out for a walk with James.”
“That’s nice.” Liking the thought that another one of her brothers looked out for her, he added, “Boy, I haven’t talked to James in months.”
“He’s ten years older than us, so I wouldn’t expect you to see him much.” She smiled. “I mean, besides church and everything.”
“Is he married yet?”
“Nee. But we’re all thinking it’ll happen soon. He and Patsy Kauffman have been courting for a while.”
“Ah.”
Looking pensive, she said, “Have you talked to Mary Jane, Callie, or Karl?”
“I don’t really know Callie that well, but I talked to Karl. I went to his haus with my parents.”
“He looked awfully pale at the funeral. Is he still badly injured?”
Danny couldn’t help but wince. “He had to get his spleen removed at the hospital and says he’s real bruised from the seat belt he was wearing.”
“That’s awful.”
“Jah.” What Danny wasn’t sure how to describe was the way Karl had looked—haunted and exhausted. Those were two things that a doctor couldn’t heal.
Molly looked down at her hands, which were folded in her lap, before meeting his gaze again. “I haven’t known what to say to anyone. Even at the funeral, I tried to stay in the background.”
“Is that because your broodah was in the other vehicle?”
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