Husband Hunters

by Rick R. Reed

  * * * *

  After he hung up, he called Matt right back. It was a contest, even before the first hello was spoken, for the other to regale his friend with the good news first. After the first conversational mash-ups succeeded in clearly spelling out that both were contestants on Husband Hunters, Cody asked Matt when he was going to be on the show.

  “They said they’ll be taping several episodes this summer.”

  Cody nodded. “Yeah, she told me she’d be back to me by the end of the week with finalized details but to plan on late July, early August. They probably picked that time of year because that’s when the weather is best here.”

  “And when more shirtless men are seen outside,” Matt said.

  “I love you, Matt. Always thinking.” They both laughed.

  “She said what would happen would be I’d be spending three weekends with three different guys—”

  Matt cut him off. “And that’s different how?”

  “Oh, shut up. You’re just jealous of all the dick I get.”

  “Yeah, served with a side of penicillin!” Matt cracked up at his wit. Cody shuddered.

  “Anyway, if you’d let a guy speak, I was trying to tell you what Martha Stewart—her real name, really—told me.”

  “Go right ahead.”

  Cody almost forgot what they were talking about. Perhaps it was the excitement over the prospect of being on nationwide television, the early morning hours, or the fact that Ryder was pacing impatiently in front of the door, his leash in his mouth. The pooch may not have been the prettiest dog on the block, but Cody had discovered he was certainly the smartest. Whatever the reason, Cody was soon back on track. “She said we’d do all Pacific Northwest themed weekends. Probably one weekend right here in Seattle, doing the usual touristy stuff: shopping at Pike Place Market, going to the top of the Space Needle, strolling through the Sculpture Park, riding the Ducks, taking a ferry over to Bainbridge Island or maybe Vashon, that kind of thing. Then she said we might do Portland or the Oregon coast and, last, head up to BC, maybe Vancouver or take the Clipper over to Victoria.” Cody shrugged. “It’s all tentative right now.”

  Matt was silent for a while. “Wow,” he finally said. “My producer guy gave me almost the exact same spiel.”

  “Just a minute, Ryder!” Cody called to the dog, who sat but whined to show his displeasure. “Well, they better not have us competing for the same guys,” Cody said, but that wasn’t what was really on his mind. Only an idiot wouldn’t have been putting one and one together and coming up with two—and the two were Matt and Cody.

  He wanted to discuss this more, but he figured Ryder had about thirty seconds left in him before he left a giant puddle on the floor, and Cody would have no one to blame but himself, so he blurted out, “Hey, man, how about lunch at one? You want to come over this way? Pacific Inn for fish and chips?”

  Cody could hear his friend drawing in his breath to start offering a bevy of alternatives. He—and Ryder—had no time for debate. “Yes or no?” Cody snapped. He knew he could have continued the phone conversation as he walked the dog, but once he took Ryder out, he liked to give him undivided attention. It was always a literal pet peeve of Cody’s to see a dog owner out with his pooch, yakking away on a phone while the dog was scarcely acknowledged. Besides, Ryder was boisterous, and it wasn’t too much of a stretch to imagine a shattered phone screen as the result of his suddenly taking off to chase the wayward squirrel or duck unfortunate enough to cross his path.

  “Yeah, sure,” Matt said.

  “Okay, see you then.”

  They hung up, and Cody swooped his thirty-pound mutt up in his arms, knowing he’d tarried too long and the only thing that would prevent Ryder from soiling indoors was being in his master’s arms. Cody wryly thought that he’d had tricks who were the very same way, then rolled his eyes.

  * * * *

  The Pacific Inn Pub at the bottom of Stone Way, just a few steps away, really, from Lake Union, was a little dive Cody had discovered and fallen in love with when he moved to the Fremont neighborhood several years ago. There was nothing gay or trendy or hip about the place. It was just a small bar that served food. Part of that food was the best, in Cody’s opinion, fish and chips in town. Perfectly seasoned and breaded with panko and herbs, the fish was a revelation. And Cody liked the atmosphere, the walls decorated with photos of historic Seattle. It was unpretentious.

  He probably could have brought along Ryder, since the day was nice and Pacific Inn had an outdoor deck off the back where they probably wouldn’t object to Ryder’s presence (the bar was a pretty laid-back place), but he wanted to be free to enjoy his fish and chips and a local IPA in peace.

  He also wanted to talk to Matt. Desperately. As he had walked through Gas Works Park, he’d grown more and more certain that Husband Hunters were not only planning a Pacific Northwest themed show but one perhaps that might be an attempt to turn BFFs into husbands.

  Now there was a magic trick worthy of David Blaine!

  Cody could see how the concept might pull viewers in, but he was pretty sure he wanted no part of it, even if he did have a couple of other guys from which to choose. He shook his head, sipping his beer, and thought he was being ridiculous, overthinking things as usual.

  He told himself that both he and Matt were contestants. That would have to mean, must mean, that they would each have their own show. Otherwise, which one of them would be the hunter and which the hunted? Before he could ponder why that particular set of circumstances was a must, the door swung open.

  Cody looked up just as Matt entered the outdoor seating area. He already had a beer in his hand. He looked pretty hipster, even for Matt, in cargo shorts, a plaid shirt open to reveal his signature black Rat City Rollergirls T-shirt, black Cons, and aviator sunglasses.

  When had Matt gotten cool?

  He sat down across from Cody, grinning. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

  “You cut right to the chase, don’t you?” Cody knew, though, what was on his friend’s mind, since it had been at the forefront of his own thoughts as he sat there waiting. “Before you tell me, let me ask you this. Did they let you know if you’d be the husband hunter? Or one of the hunted?”

  Matt looked shyly down at the scarred wooden surface of the table. “Which one did they tell you?”

  “I asked you first.”

  Matt blew out a sigh and took a swig of his beer. “They said I’d be one of the three the husband hunter would be choosing from.”

  Cody rocked back on his chair’s hind legs. High up, a few thin strands of cloud floated on a clear blue sky. A butterfly bobbed by in his field of vision. At last he let the chair slam back to the surface. “You know what this means?”

  “Yeah, we’re both gonna be on the show.” Matt’s smile was, no other word for it, radiant.

  Cody grinned with what he hoped was a show of patience. “You know it means we’re going to be on the same show.”

  “Sure, that’s what I just said. I thought you understood that. They want to see if the best buds thing can turn into a romance. Cool concept, huh?”

  Matt continued smiling at him. And what was that Cody spied? Nerves? Matt was twirling his beer bottle restlessly back and forth and not meeting his eyes.

  “You think it’s a cool concept?”

  Matt didn’t say anything for a while. At last he stood. “I’m starving, aren’t you? Who knows when that bartender will get his ass out here on the deck to take our orders. Why don’t I go inside and just let him know what we want? You want the fish and chips, right?”

  Cody nodded, uncertain why Matt suddenly seemed so nervous, so edgy. “Did you hear what I said?” Cody asked.

  “I didn’t hear if you wanted fish and chips or not.”

  “I do. I want fish and chips.”

  Matt hurried away, leaving Cody to scratch the back of his neck in confusion. If he didn’t know better, he’d say his friend liked the idea of them being thrown together on H
usband Hunters. What was it he said? That the idea was a “cool concept”?

  And when Cody hadn’t immediately agreed with that assessment, that’s when Matt got all nervous, almost scared. Oh. My. God. Does Matt have feelings for me? The thought made Cody grow cold, in spite of the sun’s heat beating down on the top of his head. He wondered how long Matt had harbored these feelings, if they were new, or if they were something that had been around awhile, perhaps even from the beginning of their friendship.

  He remembered the time, early on, when he had been dropping Matt off after an evening of carousing on Capitol Hill when neither of them had met anyone special. Cody had leaned over to give Matt a friendly peck on the lips, as he often did, and Matt tried to stick his tongue in his mouth. “Dude! What are you doing?” Cody had turned away suddenly, stiffening (and not in a good way).

  Matt had laughed then, perhaps too hard and too long. He rushed from the car with a promise to call him the next day. The last thing he said was, “God! Sorry! I must be really drunk.”

  Now that Cody reexamined that moment, he recalled that Matt had drunk only a couple of beers that night. Yet Cody had always gone along with the drunken theory because he didn’t want to face the reality that his best friend had tried to kiss him in a romantic, maybe even get-the-party-started, kind of way.

  He and Matt were friends. Best friends. It would be weird to think of him as more or different. A lover. A partner. A husband? Cody shook his head. The idea had a whiff of incest about it. There was always a turning point, a statute of limitations, beyond which friends could not become lovers. Weren’t they well past that point?

  It just didn’t feel right.

  When Matt returned to the table, Cody looked up at him, and their exchange of glances was awkward, rare for two friends for whom just being together had always been as comfortable as sliding into a pair of old fleece-lined slippers.

  “He said he’d bring our fish out in a few.” Matt sat down, put two more bottles of beer on the table, and leaned forward. “Now, what were we talking about?”

  Cody grinned, feeling the flight of that butterfly he had seen earlier emerge in his stomach. He was about to say “Nothing,” or “I can’t remember” and then move on to something innocuous, like what Matt had planned for his last few days at school. The kids were always so excited about getting out for the summer that the last few days of teaching turned to babysitting because, at a certain point, there was hardly any reason to try and instill any learning in their impatient little minds. Those minds had already left for the summer, even though their bodies had not.

  Instead he faced the issue head on. He had to. “Dude, we have to back out of the show.”

  The bartender took that moment to bring out their paper-lined baskets of fish and chips. Cody saw the crestfallen look appear on Matt’s face, fleeting, like a cloud passing over and casting a shadow. Matt tried to smile, but it came out looking more like a grimace.

  After the bartender left, neither touched his food.

  “Why?” Matt wondered. “Maybe we’re wrong.”

  Cody shook his head. Matt could be right. Maybe they were both slated for different episodes. There was every reason to think that was the case. Cody didn’t really have any evidence to the contrary, did he? It just made too much sense, this idea of them together on the show. Sometimes, Cody thought, our instincts tell us the truth. And right now, my instincts are telling me that this silly TV show is planning on making Matt and me its next dramatic centerpiece.

  And we can’t let that happen.

  “I don’t think we’re wrong,” Cody said softly, picking up a French fry and eating it slowly. Part of him, a lot of him, actually, burned to ask Matt if he had feelings for him. But the very idea made his hands shake. Matt could say yes, he had always loved him. Or he could laugh him off the patio and never let Cody forget how vain and foolish he was.

  Neither alternative was worth the risk.

  “I don’t think we should back out.” Matt began busying himself with his food, eating like he hadn’t had a meal in a week. “We already agreed. It’s a verbal agreement, man.”

  Cody shook his head. “Nothing’s set in stone until we sign the contracts. Sign. They’re not gonna force us to be on the show if we don’t want to.”

  “Is that what it would be?” Matt asked, squirting ketchup in a mound near his fries. “Forcing?”

  “Nah.” Cody felt bad. He could see the hurt on Matt’s face. Matt was usually so upbeat, bordering on comical, and now he was subdued. This was not going at all the way Cody thought it would. He thought they’d be on the same page, that the idea of them being on the show together was absurd, preposterous, something to laugh off.

  And then he thought again about that kiss. Attempted kiss. Years ago. Had it meant more to Matt than it had to Cody? He knew the answer to that question in his bones, just as he knew what the producers had planned.

  Matt seemed to perk up. “Come on, man, this will be fun. Think about it—we get to have all this nice stuff provided all for free. We get to be on TV.” He looked up at Cody, his eyes bright. “And who knows? Even if you don’t end up with a husband? This will certainly raise your profile in the bars around town. You’ll be a celebrity.”

  “Well, so will you,” Cody countered.

  “Right. Right, so there’s no downside.” Matt looked over at Cody, and his eyes were brighter than ever. “You know, even if we’re on the show together, you don’t have to pick me.”

  The day seemed to grow quiet around them. The traffic on Stone Way seemed to stop. The conversations around them fell to a hush. Even the birds stopped singing. Cody felt beads of sweat pop out on his forehead. What he said next could be life changing for both of them.

  He realized he loved Matt so much.

  He didn’t want to hurt him.

  But did he want to marry him? Things were so good—just the way they were.

  “Right? You can always pick another dude. No hard feelings.” Matt watched a red SUV cruise down the street toward the lakefront.

  Cody knew the kindest thing to do right now was to not say anything, in either direction. So he simply put forth, “You’ve got a point.” When he said that, Matt’s face fell even further. “But who knows?” He winked. “Anything’s possible.”

  Across the table from him, Matt smiled. He seemed to be recovering quickly from the funk that had sprung up around him. He made a gesture down his body and then quipped, “If you think you can have this, you have another think coming. Matt here is a catch.”

  “That’s right. Now can we eat?” Cody dug into his food with more gusto than he felt. He made a decision—he’d spend the rest of the weekend alone with Ryder.

  The remainder of their meal was eaten in virtual silence, which was rare for the two of them. Their sentences usually overlapped the others’ in an attempt to keep the conversational volleyball in the air. There had never been a shortage of things to talk about. Now, suddenly, when there was so much to discuss, it seemed like neither of them had a single thing to say.

  When Cody ordered a third beer, Matt used the opportunity to take his leave. Cody supposed it was Matt’s kind way of putting them both out of their misery.

  Matt stood by the table, staring down at Cody with something expectant in his features. Maybe he anticipated Cody insisting he stay, or maybe he hoped Cody would at last admit he was excited about the prospect of both of them being on the show together. But when all Cody did was tip his beer to his mouth and regard his friend with what he hoped appeared as friendly curiosity, Matt’s face fell once more. He drew in a deep breath. “I’m out of here,” he said softly.

  “Okay.” Cody stared straight ahead.

  “See you later tonight? I can pick you up around seven. We can go to that World of Beer place. Then see what happens after that.”

  Cody shook his head. “I think I just wanna stay in with Ryder tonight. See what treasures I can find On Demand, go to bed early.” As if to illustrate his
point, Cody yawned and stretched his arms above his head. “It’s been a long week.”

  “Right.” Matt looked away. He headed for the exit but paused just before he got to the door. “If you change your mind—”

  “I’m the first in line,” Cody shot back.

  Both of them laughed, their mutual ABBA expertise confirmed. And that felt good.

  After Matt was gone, Cody felt very alone. It was weird. All the time Matt was there, Cody felt like he wanted nothing more than for Matt to leave. The tension between them had been something almost palpable in the air, and Cody rightly anticipated the relief he would feel when his friend was gone. The notion made him feel guilty, but there it was.

  Now that he was faced with the reality of sitting alone, he wished Matt would come back. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know what’s in your own head? And heart? Cody guzzled more beer, not sure if he was more frightened of knowing the answers to those questions or not knowing them.

  Look. You don’t know for sure that the show is even planning on having you both on at the same time. Before you let all this crap come between you and your best friend, you owe it to yourself to find out the truth. Then you can relax. Or go crazy. Whatever. But not knowing is stupid. Call.

  That’s just what Cody did. He pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled through the recent calls to find Martha Stewart. He knew the number probably wasn’t her personal phone, and even if it were, she would most likely not answer. Not on a Saturday. Even Martha Stewart took time off, right?

  She picked up on the first ring.

  “This is Cody Mook.”

  “Hi, Cody. What’s goin’ on?”

  “I need to know. Well, Matt and I both need to know.” He laughed self-consciously and realized it came out more as a titter. His cheeks flamed with warmth. He took a desperate gulp of beer. “Are we gonna be on the show together?”

  Martha didn’t say anything for a long while. Her silence told him all he needed to know. Still, a part of him hoped she was just preoccupied and her quiet had nothing to do with revealing how the show would go. Her stillness may have nothing to do with the fact that he’d hit the nail on the head and had already ascertained the big reveal they had planned for this particular episode.