Sweet Dandelion

by Micalea Smeltzer

  Sometimes, when I think of those days, all my time spent running, it’s like it’s an entirely different girl.

  Blowing out a breath, I grab the handle and push it.

  It swings open, revealing the state of the art gym. It’s large, much larger than I expected, with shiny equipment, padded floors, and big screen TVs.

  There are two other people inside, both men, over by the weights. They glance over at me when the door closes, announcing my arrival, but return to their gym time without a second look which is a relief.

  Putting my headphones in Takeaway by The Chainsmokers plays. I hop on the bike that’s tucked in the farthest corner.

  I start pedaling, trying to ignore the frustration I feel.

  But I know if I can start exercising again, it’ll be good not only for my physical health, but mental as well.

  I pedal faster, feeling a sweat start to break out on my skin. My heart rate increases, and while it still isn’t as good as running it does feel better than when I first hopped on.

  Movement catches my eye and my head shoots up, worried one of the men might be headed my way. I’m not naïve enough to realize that I’m a young, female, and very much on my own in here if someone wanted to try something. At least there are cameras stationed in different areas.

  But when I look I see Lachlan entering the room. Navy active shorts hang low on his hips, down past his knees, hiding the scar there. He wears a fitted white tank that shows off every muscle he’s worked his ass off to have.

  He doesn’t know I’m here, and I watch unabashedly as he says something to the other two guys in greeting. He makes easy conversation with them and I wonder if they’re friends or acquaintances from bumping into each other here often.

  Lachlan moves away from them and sits down on a bench, retying his sneakers.

  He grabs some weights and gets to work. It’s a sight to behold, watching him grunt and sweat over the heavy weights. It makes the butterflies in my chest flutter madly. It doesn’t seem to matter what he does he looks sexy doing it.

  The bike beeps at me. I jolt, realizing I’ve slowed to nearly a stop thanks to my staring. Even my music stopped and I didn’t notice.

  I push the button on the bike, telling it I’m not finished with my workout, and pick another playlist.

  When I look up Lachlan is staring at me from across the room.

  Despite the distance between us I feel his stare everywhere. It’s like he sees through me, x-ray vision straight to the things I try to hide most from people.

  He really is Superman.

  He gives a small, crooked smile, and turns his back to me so he can focus on his workout.

  There’s still no chance of me focusing on mine. Not when the back of him is as nice of a view as the front.

  Get your head out of the gutter. Focus, Dani.

  It’s easier said than done, but I do my best to pedal the last of the ten miles I set out to do today.

  When I finally reach them, I hop off and grab one of the antibacterial wipes to clean the bike.

  I do my best to ignore the towering, larger than life, man taking up so much space in the room and in my thoughts.

  Heading into the hall outside the gym, I bend over the water fountain since I forgot to bring a bottle with me.

  I feel his presence before I see him, before even his shadow darkens the space around us.

  “You took my advice.”

  I turn around, wiping the back of my hand over my mouth where cool water clings to my lips. “It’s not running, but I have to start somewhere.”

  He gives me a jerk of his chin. “I’m glad.”

  I give him a small smile in return. “Hopefully I’ll grow to like it.” I don’t mean to sound as melancholy as I do, but it’s hard not dwell on things that used to be.

  “Well,” he clears his throat, “I’m proud of you for trying.”

  “Thanks.”

  His shirt is damp with sweat, clinging to his skin. I watch as he pulls it away slightly with a playful smile. “I better get back. I wanted to say something before you left.”

  There’s two feet of space between us, we’re in public after all, and it’s killing me a little inside that I can’t touch him. I feel like I can’t joke with him either since I’m not supposed to know him that way. Does it bother him like it does me? Standing in front of me smiling, it seems like it doesn’t, but you never know what’s going on in someone’s head.

  We say our goodbyes and I stand there as he goes back into the gym before I finally get the courage to move my feet.

  Catching the elevator, I lean against the railing inside it, hopping off when I reach Sage’s floor.

  When I open the door, I find him sitting in front of the couch playing video games—only he didn’t own any video games when I left here.

  He glances over his shoulder, pushing a button to pause his game.

  “Look what the delivery guy brought, D! I had to hook it up right away. I haven’t played this shit in years. I forgot how fun it is.”

  It sends a sting through my chest that my brother has been so busy with work that there was no point in investing in a gaming system because he never had time to play it. I really hope wherever he ends up for a new job appreciates what he brings to the table and doesn’t work him to death like his last place.

  “Is that Mario Kart?” I ask in surprise, finally realizing what’s on the TV screen.

  “Yeah, come sit down and play.”

  I smile, actually excited about it. I used to watch Sage play this and other games all the time when I was little. Sometimes he’d give me a controller so I could pretend I was playing, until I got older and that didn’t work anymore. Then our mom forced him to teach me how to do it.

  “Let me shower first.”

  He bounces slightly on the couch, un-pausing the game. “Okay, okay, hurry up.”

  I stifle a laugh and grab what I need from my room, shutting myself in the bathroom. By the time I’m out, Sage is vibrating with even more energy and acting more like he’s sixteen and not twenty-six.

  But I have to admit, it’s more than a little nice to see this side of him again.

  I take a quick shower, toss on my clothes, and brush my teeth before I join him so I’m ready for the night.

  Plopping on the couch, I take the other controller.

  “Let me finish this race and I’ll switch to two player,” he promises, his tongue sticking out as he races around the track.

  It’s a few minutes later when he wins that he switches things over, allowing me to pick my character and race car.

  “I’m going to whoop your ass,” I tell him with a laugh as the countdown shows on the screen.

  He snorts. “That so, Weed?”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  We both know it’s a total bluff. I never win. For some reason I could never really get the hang of how to play, but winning isn’t what matters. It’s all about having fun.

  We spend the entire evening playing different video games. It’s some of the most fun I’ve had with my brother in a long time. Around one in the morning he forces me to go to bed since I have school. It’s pointless since it’s not like I usually get a full night of rest anyway, but I don’t protest since I know he’s only trying to be responsible.

  “Night, Herb!” I call out before closing my door.

  “Goodnight, Weed,” he says back. “I love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  When the door closes, I lean my back against it, letting my eyes drift shut.

  Fear crawls up my spine, I don’t even know what triggers it in this moment, but I know without a doubt if he finds out about Lachlan and me, he’ll hate me forever.

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  Before I know it, it’s February. Valentine’s day to be exact. The lockers are decorated with sticky notes, some project proposed by the student council to leave positive words for people today. It makes no sense to me, but I guess they don’t want single people to feel bad
?

  “Yo, Meadows!” Ansel calls, catching up to me as I make my way to the art corridor. “God, you walk fast.” He blows out a breath, slowing his steps beside me. “This is for you.” He holds out a single yellow rose to me. “Don’t freak out, okay, Meadows? The florist said yellow roses mean friendship. I even got one for Sasha. I’m not a total ass.”

  I take the rose from him, stifling a laugh that he knows me so well. I was definitely questioning the meaning of the flower.

  “It’s beautiful.” It’s the picture of a perfect rose, the petals large and curved. The yellow is vibrant, like sunshine … like a dandelion. I sniff it and the scent is heavenly. “Thank you.”

  He tosses his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close playfully. “Gotta look out for my girl.”

  “By getting me a flower?” I smile up at him.

  He shakes his head. “No, by getting you to smile.”

  My smile grows and I hug his side. “Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me.”

  We enter the art room, sitting at our usual table. I lay the rose down gently and go to get my current project, a watercolor of the Eiffel Tower, we were each assigned a landmark to do a watercolor of. Ansel is doing Big Ben.

  Mrs. Kline barks out instructions for us to get our paints and get to work. The painting is due by the end of the week. I’m actually pleased with how mine is turning out, the blending of the pastel colors and the purposeful random drops.

  “Do you have any plans this weekend?” Ansel asks, returning to the table with glasses of water for each of us to dip our brushes in.

  “Not that I know of.”

  Sage found another job and has only been there the last two weeks. He seems to be enjoying it more than the last, he’s home at a decent time, and he isn’t ending up working at home either. It’s too soon to know for sure, but I think it’s a better fit for him.

  “We should go do something.”

  “Like what?” Before he can answer, I get up to grab my paints.

  When I return he says, “We could head to the slopes for the day. I’ll teach you how to ski. Or snowboard. Whichever you prefer.”

  “You realize I hate the cold, right? Playing in snow isn’t my idea of a good time.”

  He laughs. “Come on, it’s one of the best parts of living here. It’s an experience.”

  I know he has a point. “Fine, let’s do it. But ask Sasha and Seth too.”

  “Already have and they’re in.”

  It makes me feel a little better to know he didn’t ask me first.

  “Okay, let’s do it then.”

  I’m probably going to regret this, but I remind myself that even if I make a fool of myself the memories will be worth it.

  “How was your lunch?” Lachlan asks when I enter his office.

  “Chatty.” Everyone, well all of us except Seth, spend the thirty minutes discussing this weekend and how it’s going to go.

  Apparently Ansel has permission to borrow his mom’s SUV so we’ll all meet at his house and go from there. I’m sure Sage won’t mind dropping me off.

  Okay, he probably will since Ansel is involved but he’ll be fine when he realizes Sasha and Seth are going too.

  “Chatty, huh?”

  “Yep,” I reply. “I’m going skiing tomorrow.”

  He arches a brow. “That so?”

  “Ansel is going to teach me.”

  “Nice flower.” He eyes the one in my hand. There’s a funny tone to his voice, irritation maybe, but he clears his throat and I pretend I didn’t notice.

  “It’s from Ansel.” He makes a sound. “He said yellow is for friendship.”

  “How has that been going?”

  I shrug as I get comfortable. At this point in the year Lachlan’s office is practically another home. “He hasn’t made any moves if that’s what you’re asking. Ever since we talked and I was honest about my feelings—or lack thereof—things have been better.”

  “Hmm,” he hums.

  “What?” I ask, an edge to my voice that surprises me.

  “Most teenage boys don’t give up.”

  “I don’t want to talk about him anymore.” My tone is final. It’s weird talking about Ansel with Lachlan.

  Ever since New Year’s Eve our relationship has blossomed into more. We try to be on our best behavior at school, but there have been times when we exchange looks that if anyone sees it they’d suspect something. There have been a few brief kisses, and sometimes our touch lingers when it shouldn’t. We haven’t had sex again, though. God, do I want to. It’s like some kind of horny beast awakened inside me, but I think about that night and morning way more than I should, craving it over and over. But we haven’t been alone in his apartment either. Not while my brother wasn’t working, and lately he’s home all weekend and the evenings, so it’s impossible to sneak away.

  “What do you want to talk about?” he allows, leaning back in his chair. He looks a tad tense, his eyes tired.

  “My mom,” I blurt, the confession taking both of us by surprise. He’s quiet, waiting for me to continue. “I’ve been missing her more than usual.”

  “That’s natural. Grief comes and goes forever. It’s like a wave.”

  “Prom is soon.” I look at him through my lashes, thinking about how much I wish I could go to the monumental dance on his arm, but it’s impossible. “Graduation,” I continue, “it’s breaking my heart that she won’t be here for these milestones.”

  His lips thin. “I’m so sorry, Dani. She should be here and it’s senseless that she’s not. But remember how strong you are and in a way she is there. She lives in your heart now.”

  I don’t mean to, but I touch my fingers to my heart. I know he’s right. She might be gone in the literal sense, but she lives on. In me, in Sage, in our memories. It’s impossible for her to truly be gone.

  “Grief isn’t easy,” he continues. “It’s this twisted, complicated ball of emotions. When you think you’re unraveling it, it twists up again. But you have to keep working at it, until you find the right string to pull, when you do, suddenly things start getting better. But remember, it’s okay to feel sad. Sadness is not weakness, and weakness is not a failure.”

  Tears burn my eyes. I’ve done so well keeping it together the last few weeks, but leave it to me to start crying now.

  His words were something I needed to hear, even though I didn’t know it.

  He allows me to cry, though this time he doesn’t touch me.

  In the beginning the touches were innocent, he hugged me for comfort, to remind me I’m not alone and it’s okay, but now too much has happened between us that even a hug feels like crossing a major line.

  When I find my words, I speak a little more about my mom, more tears are shed, and when the bell rings he gets up, grabbing my backpack. He holds onto it as I stand and then gives it to me.

  Before I leave the room, he whispers, “You’re the strongest person I know.”

  Those words … they mean more than he’ll ever know.

  Sage isn’t home when I arrive, but if the past two weeks are any indication he’ll be home in the next thirty minutes to an hour.

  I place an order for delivery from a local mom and pop shop that makes some of the best home-cooked food.

  Kicking off my shoes when I reach my bedroom, I unzip my backpack, pulling out the contents so I can switch them with what I’ll need for Monday.

  That’s when I find the yellow envelope.

  Sitting down on the edge of my bed I open the envelope carefully, not wanting to rip it.

  Inside is a thick piece of stationary with Lachlan’s initials on top.

  To my beautiful Dani,

  You have no idea how much it kills me that I have to write this in secret. That I can’t openly tell you how I feel on a day dedicated to love. You consume my thoughts, and when you’re not near I miss you more than I should. I still struggle with my feelings for you, the guilt, but I can’t seem to stop. Love is co
mplicated, but when it’s true there’s no denying it. While I might not be able to show my love for you openly, it’s one of the biggest parts of me. You’ve become my other half. Happy Valentine’s day, baby, I love you.

  —Lachlan

  Something else falls from the envelope and I bend to grab it from the white rug on my floor. My lips part in surprise as I hold the stem of a dried dandelion between my thumb and forefinger. It brings a smile to my lips.

  Pulling my favorite book I’ve read from the small shelf mostly housing trinkets, I press the flower into the middle of the pages.

  Hidden, like our love, but existing nonetheless.

  Chapter Fifty-Four

  Somehow, I end up in the back of Ansel’s mom’s SUV with Seth, while Ansel drives and Sasha serves as co-pilot, critiquing everything he does and constantly changing the radio station.

  An old rock song plays and she makes a face, changing the station again.

  “Can you stop?” Ansel complains, rubbing his temple with one hand.

  “I’m trying to get some good tunes going. Eyes on the road.”

  He exhales a heavy breath, glancing at me in the rearview mirror as he shakes his head.

  Seth, like always, is silent, looking out at the snow-covered trees as we head further north.

  We’ve been on the road around an hour, which means we’re about halfway to the ski resort. Somehow, we got the okay to stay overnight from all our parents, and will head home first thing in the morning. Ansel and Seth will be sharing a room and so will Sasha and I.

  “Ooh, here’s a good one. This is classic.” Sasha bops her head along to some 90’s boy band song. Her feet rest on the dashboard and Ansel glances over several times glaring at them.

  “Put your feet down,” he snaps at her. “My mom will kill me if this car comes back in less than pristine condition.”

  She huffs, rolling her eyes at him but does as he requests. She mumbles something under her breath, but I don’t know what.