I See You So Close

by M Dressler

  Also by M Dressler

  The Last to See Me

  (The Last Ghost Series, Book One)

  The Deadwood Beetle

  The Medusa Tree

  The Floodmakers

  The Wedding of Anna F.

  Copyright © 2020 by Mylène Dressler

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Arcade Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

  First Edition

  This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  Arcade Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Arcade Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or arcade@skyhorsepublishing.com.

  Arcade Publishing® is a registered trademark of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.®, a Delaware corporation.

  Visit our website at www.arcadepub.com.

  Visit the author’s site at mdressler.com.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Dressler, Mylène, 1963– author.

  Title: I see you so close : a novel / M Dressler.

  Description: New York : Arcade Publishing, 2020. | Series: The last ghost series; book 2

  Identifiers: LCCN 2019050016 | ISBN 9781948924894 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781948924900 (ebook)

  Subjects: GSAFD: Ghost stories.

  Classification: LCC PS3554.R432 I2 2020 | DDC 813/.54—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019050016

  Cover design by Erin Seaward-Hiatt

  Cover photos: © Alina Prochan/Getty Images (woman on the left); © Anouchka/Getty Images (woman on the right); © Saso Novoselic/Getty Images (forest); © Alxey Pnferov/Getty Images (night sky)

  Printed in the United States of America

  For my mother

  MJK Bellamy

  we did it

  Let no one tell you what form you can take.

  Contents

  Part One: The Ghost

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  8

  9

  10

  11

  12

  13

  Part Two: The Door

  14

  15

  16

  17

  18

  19

  20

  21

  22

  23

  24

  25

  26

  27

  28

  29

  30

  Epilogue

  PART ONE

  THE GHOST

  1

  “So what do you do for a living, hon?”

  For a living. Such a curious expression. The woman beside me, driving the car, means what work is it that I do to keep body and soul together, as they say.

  I don’t know how to answer that. When you’re dead, you don’t work in the usual way.

  My job is to keep always one step ahead of the ghost hunters. Of course, the woman sitting next to me doesn’t know that. She picked me up by the side of this mountain road, where I’d raised my thumb to her, because I look as alive as anyone, as alive as she does in her downy white jacket. If you look a certain way, you’re seen as no threat. She pulled the car over and leaned across to open the door, and by her face I saw she’d even taken pity on me, because this body I wear, with its thin blue coat, makes me look small and weak, under a haircut bobbed blunt and short, like a child’s. She likely thought: I needn’t be afraid of this girl standing at the edge of the woods. I might even help her.

  And it’s true that if you, the living, are kind to me, and treat me well, you’ll have no reason to fear me. But if instead you decide a young woman standing pale and cold and all alone and small and needing a lift is someone to take advantage of, well, you’re going to run into a bit of trouble. The last driver who stopped for me—a grubby, grabby man who thought me an easy mark—I left making better acquaintance with the bottom of a lake, his hands pounding against the window glass.

  Such beautiful lakes and trees they have here, so high up in the mountains, much like we had on the coast. The leaves and the pine boughs quiver and quake as the sun drops its work for the day. It makes me feel right at home.

  “I’m in housekeeping,” I answer the pleasant woman beside me. “I tidy and clean things.”

  “Hard work?” she asks, nodding and turning her wheel on the twisting road.

  “Sometimes. Sometimes not.”

  “I’m an office manager,” she tells me.

  “Is that good work?”

  “Used to be. Not so much anymore. They’ve got me doing the jobs of two younger assistants who left. Plus my own job. You know, what can you do? Things change.”

  They do. I used to be an ordinary ghost—a spirit tied to a place, a haunt. Now I have this body, this flesh to call my own and to travel and touch the world with. Imagine what that’s like. How it might feel, after being invisible, erased, holding on only with your will, for a hundred years and more, to at last find you have a way, again, to fill space. Though, to be sure, when I wear this body I can’t flit or fly as easily as my ghostly self can. I can feel the scrape of this veined armrest beside me. The cloth of the seat at the back of my head. The folded collar of this coat. But I feel the weight of this skin, too, and the pressure of the one who died so that I could take it. She was young and bright and she didn’t deserve to die. No more than I did.

  “All you can do is take a break from life now and then,” my new, unknowing friend goes on, “so me and some of my girlfriends, we’re taking off work and meeting in Reno, gonna let off some steam. Do you like to gamble?”

  I took a chance and stole a body to escape a hunter. I’d say I do.

  “Yes.”

  “Come with me the whole way,” she says, nodding certainly. “If you want to. No trouble.”

  She’s one of the kind living. Though she seems suddenly tired, clutching the wheel. She sighs and says, after a moment, “Don’t mean to be pushy, though, hon. Everybody’s got their own way they’re going. I know that.”

  I thank her and tell her that at the moment I’m looking for something peaceful and out of the way.

  “God, I hear that.” She laughs a little. “I need that sometimes, too. Just want to cut myself off from everything, check out, lie low. You’re in the right stretch of the Sierra Nevada for some good downtime. There’re such pretty little towns hidden up here. Just let me know where you want to jump out, Miss . . . I’m sorry, is it okay for me to ask your name?”

  I don’t say: I’m Emma Rose Finnis. Irish born and Irish stubborn, raised to be staunch in the face of wounds. I don’t tell her I came into this world in 1896 and died in 1915, drowned unfairly against cold, black-rocked shoals. Nor that I haunted a mansion beside the sea for more than a hundred years, until a hunter came along and thought he was strong enough to put me down. He wasn’t.

  “My name is Rose,” I say. “And you’re Sheila.”

  “That’s right, how did you know?”

  “Your luggage, in the back seat.”

  “You read that tiny tag? You must have twenty-twenty vision.”

  Yes, these eyes and ears are as keen and quick as mine once were. I might draw no real b
reath, but this nose, it scents the powder clinging to the soft, sagging cheek beside me, and the weary sweat at the heavy neck. I may have no heartbeat, yet my soul still pounds in furious answer to what’s right and what’s wrong, and knows light and dark; which is how I know this woman laughing beside me is only laughing on the outside, and that under the powder and the hands rubbed with lotion to make them feel softer, she’s hard, she’s worn. She’s a servant in someone else’s mansion, just as I once was. It can make you feel beaten down.

  I say, “I noticed your luggage because I like to get away, too.”

  “Where’d you come from, Rose?”

  “The ocean.”

  “Nice. I always wanted to live on the coast. It’s hot down in the valley where I’m from. I could use more rain, fog, mist in my life. You come from the north coast or the south? The north? Did you mind the cold?”

  “No. I’m used to it.” Also, it helps disguise me. If the temperature is freezing, and someone living accidentally brushes against my skin and feels how icy I am, then they aren’t startled and I’m not given away. There’s a risk I face, taking on this body so that I can take in the world. Someone might touch me and wonder. Even I wonder at it, how my icy soul lifted and keeps this body fresh. It’s because I willed it, I think, when I saw this flesh fall, remembering all my anger at being felled myself.

  My friend Sheila says, “I guess you know, Rose, it gets pretty brisk up here, this time of year. Ever been this high before? There’s no snow yet, but it’ll come. Later than it used to. When I was a kid, we used to drive this pass and by now everything would already be blanketed. But nothing’s like it was, anymore, anywhere. I tell myself it’s still pretty, though.”

  It is. The aspen trees, the higher we’ve climbed, have soaked in the distant gold of the setting sun, lighting up the dark places between the towering pines. Stony peaks shrug all around in deep grays and blues, half-skirted with boulders and flounces of deadfall.

  When I was a little girl, growing up along the seashore, I imagined such mountains rising from the long valley. At school we studied a map on the wall to learn about the great ranges of California. The Sierras were so high, our teacher excitedly told us, that droves of pioneers died trying to cross them. She was a dramatic one, Miss Camber. The great Sierra Nevada in winter could be so deep in bitter snow, she said, that even the tallest man would be buried by it. She’d paced and shivered and clasped her arms as she moaned: A mountain blizzard, why, it could be so cruel, it could take your hands and feet, and even your eyes.

  I’d raised my hand and stood beside my desk, politely, as children—especially poor children—are supposed to do.

  I asked her, “How can snow take your hands and your feet and even your eyes?”

  She’d flashed an impatient look at me and said of course it froze and then rotted your flesh. All of it. And the cold, it was terrible, like all the pangs of hell.

  “But Miss, is hell a fire, then, or ice?”

  “You will sit down, Emma Finnis, for asking such a foolish question! You should know there is earthly pain and there is the pain of damnation, and of course they are different, as I do know.”

  Yet it seemed to me that all pain must be the same—or else how could you recognize it, from one place to the next?

  I was sent to the corner for that little remark.

  “And stay there, foolish girl, and count in silence to five hundred. You won’t move until I say you may.”

  It was good practice, it turned out, for being dead.

  “My parents,” Sheila beside me goes on, “used to bring me up here when I was about eight or nine. We’d go sledding, just pull over by the side of the road where there was a good hill or a ravine, and take off. I have the best memories of this byway. That’s why I decided to take it.”

  I have some fine memories of my childhood, too. Of running away from my work as a servant to dance a reel in the music hall with the bearded lumberjacks. Of climbing up a sandy slope to meet secretly with a boy who loved me. Of laughing with my best friend, a housemaid like me, as we sloshed each other with soap and scrubbed wooden floors together. When you die and become a ghost, you remember everything, from before your death and after, too. And so I remember the lighthouse I climbed, and slipping and clinging to the edge of it. And how you might fight and fight and fight, as hard as you can, to hang on and keep your head above the waves, and still sink. And I remember rising from my watery grave and haunting the place that had killed me.

  Then the ghost hunter came, a man who said ghosts don’t feel the way the living do, that we were nothing but unthinking waves, beating dull against a duller shore.

  But if that’s the case, how did I manage to beat you, Mr. Pratt? For I have. For the time being, at least.

  Though it’s over my shoulder I’m always looking, now.

  “I miss the old days,” Sheila is saying, sadly. “My mom just passed away. In summer. In June.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I say, knowing how hard the crossing can be. “How did she die?”

  “Emphysema. She smoked. It was hard, at the end. But she did the right thing, and let go. She followed the law. She didn’t make any fuss. She died and she stayed dead, the way you’re supposed to.”

  It takes a strange will not to go where they tell you to go.

  “What burns me up are the cheaters.” Sheila lowers her voice and shakes her head. “The lawbreakers. Everyone knows what the rules are now, right? When you go, you have to go. There’s not enough room in the world for everyone and all their problems, not with everything this poor planet’s already dealing with. So why do we still have some people staying when they shouldn’t? I’ve heard there’s even some kind of new thing running around, some kind of freak that’s part ghost and part body-snatcher.”

  Pratt, the ghost hunter, has dared to tell the world about me, then?

  If that’s true, I must find a way to get off this road, and quick.

  “What I want to know,” the voice beside me says, rising angrily, “is if the cleaners have their weapons, then why aren’t they using them? I’d be fired from my job on the spot if I didn’t do it as fast as I’m supposed to do it. But they can just let any kind of ghoul run around free now?” Her voice cracks, her powdered, sagging face turning suddenly ugly. “How about I just lie down and do nothing? Take this little vacation and never come back?”

  I could make that happen, I think, my own anger rising.

  They always disappoint you, in the end, the seemingly kind ones.

  All at once, holding the wheel tightly, Sheila starts to cry. It’s a soft sound, and she’s dropped her chin, as though trying to hide it in the down of her coat. All pain is the same, all pain is the same, I try telling myself, but my rage still blights and burns. I’m no ghoul, as she called me. I never was. It’s just that, when you’re dead, you can suffer from the same black moods as when you’re alive. And the darkness, it can come so fast and easy, it shocks you. Then the spirit has to decide what to do with it.

  Give her a chance, I decide. Give her a test. The one the last driver failed.

  “I’d like to get out now,” I say. “Before it gets too dark.”

  “No. What you oughta do is come all the way with me, to Reno.” She swipes at her tears, ordering me. “Traveling alone like you are, like this, what you’re doing—hitchhiking—it’s not legal, and it’s not safe. Not with the way the world is.”

  “I know. I’ll still get out at the next town, please.”

  “Fine. Well—fine, then, whatever,” she sputters. “There’s a turnoff to a little place, just ahead. White Bar, the town’s called. It’s not right on the road—you’ll have to walk a ways, over a bridge—it’s out of the way. Not nearly enough action for me, no slots or craps.”

  “Good. You can just let me off there.”

  She stops the car on the shadowy verge of a lane and watches me as I get out and peer down toward thickening woods.

  “Guess you’ll be all right?” Sh
e leans from her seat toward me. Her headlights whirl through a flighty dust.

  “Yes. You’ve done enough, Sheila.” Now, for the test. “One question, though. You’re right that I’m traveling alone, and it’s not safe. But it’s safer than the place I left at the coast and the man I left there. If I tell you that I’m on the run from him, and that no one knows where I am, no one in the world, and that I don’t want anyone to know—what would you say to that?”

  She looks at me. Her mouth opening. Taken aback. Then she nods her head, slowly. “Oh, hon. No wonder you were so quiet. My God. I’ve been there, too. With a guy. I never want to be there again. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Sorry I got all riled up in here for a minute, and never even noticed that . . . I won’t say a single word. I promise you. I don’t even remember your name, okay? I never saw you.”

  “Thank you, Sheila. You’d better go on now.”

  “Sure you won’t stay with me?”

  “I’m sure now.”

  “You take care of yourself, Rose.”

  “I will. You too.”

  I let her go.

  Pain is all the same. It can make you do things, if you’re not careful.

  I turn toward the lane, careful not to look back at her and change my mind.

  Forward is the only, and trickiest, way to live.

  2

  A little marker in front of me reads:

  TOWNSHIP OF WHITE BAR

  ¼ MILE

  Nothing and no one on the lonely iron-railed bridge just on the other side of it. I go forward, these feet stepping on a walkway matted with pine needles, these eyes watchful in the fading light.

  If there are other eyes peering from the trees around me or from behind the lights glowing at windows nestled at a distance, I can’t make them out. I walk on, and the air smells of chimney smoke and of fire licking against dry stones. Past the iron bridge the lane drops, then rises and falls toward the sparks of a town, appearing and disappearing between rough-barked trunks.

  I pass a locked white building that looks like a church and a few gray cabins, shuttered. The trees thicken overhead and then thin. The way flattens before me, and a narrow valley opens out as the road leads to a flagstone square, trimmed with glowing, hooded metal lamps. A blockish metal statue stands quiet in the center of the town, like a bell unrung, with quiet buildings upright, all around. Some have peaked roofs trimmed in white lights. Others show tall false fronts with empty balconies.