“That’s what Brad knew about you all these years and wouldn’t share,” she guesses accurately.
“What does that matter? Maris almost died, and because I was too selfish I never knew. I couldn’t be there, even to offer support via an email.”
“But Maris didn’t die, Nick. And why are you still giving your—I hesitate to use this word—mother the power to decide your life?” Storming over to me, she gets in my face and pokes her finger right in the place that aches—my heart.
“Is this why you’ve always held back from all of us? From Maris?” Rainey demands.
“Yes! He died and she left me behind as if I was disposable. You all resurrected what was left of my heart. I ran so that little piece of perfection couldn’t be destroyed again.” What started as yelling ends up as a mere whisper.
“So, you did the same thing to us your parents did to you. Only your justification was love. Interesting.”
Her words are like a firm crack to the cheek. I stagger backward until I feel the wall catch me. Slowly, I sink down until my rear touches my heels. I open my mouth and close it, unable to refute a single thing. I escaped the love my “family” openly offered me because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t leave first. And if it wasn’t for Jed being my touchstone, having faith in me, would any of them still be here at all?
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. The words are wrenched from me.
Rainey ducks her head to wipe her eyes. Drying her hands, she offers me a hand. I take it and tug her down into my arms to me to wrap her in a tight hug. For long moments, I hold the wife of my brother trying to form words. Finally, I realize the simplest ones are the best. “I’m so sorry.”
“You have to stop apologizing. It’s not your fault what they did to you.”
“That’s not what I’m apologizing for.”
“Then for what?”
“It was just too soon for me to come back here after I’d finally clawed my way out for your wedding.” I brush a soft kiss on the top of her head. “You’re absolutely perfect for Brad, in case I’ve never told you that.”
“Damn you, Nick.” Rainey shoves hard at my chest. “Now I get why…”
“Why what?” But Rainey just shakes her head. Her lips curve, and there’s no malice in them.
She nods at my computer. “There’s big and little moments in those emails, Nick. Not all of them are as earth-shattering as the one you just read. But come outside if you need a break. The kids and I will be in the backyard.”
“I don’t suppose anyone would be up for a run later, would they?”
She snorts. “Dream on, Champ. None of us are into torture in this house. I like being able to move.”
With a laugh, I help stabilize her as she gets to her feet before pushing up to my own.
As Rainey heads to the door, I taunt her. “You had kids. Aren’t yours a form of sadism?”
“My only exception,” she calls over her shoulder.
So, it’s with a sense of contentment instead of feelings of complete self-loathing I sit down to read some more email.
Maris
“One day, Maris will make an amazing mother. If she’ll ever let herself get to that place emotionally.” - From the journals of Jedidiah Smith.
I haven’t heard from Nick in days. It’s entirely possible he’s left Juneau and hasn’t called, which would be a disappointment but not surprising. In the meanwhile, I arranged my work schedule to head to Sarah and Hung’s to spend time with David as many days as I can. I want to be there for things like homework, snacks, or just to play.
Today, we’re outside with a life-size Jenga set I built in the garage at home for barbecues. Since Sarah and Hung’s front yard is on a mild slope, we get about four blocks in before the entire tower falls. That sends us both into fits of hilarity, and we both scramble to set everything back up again. “Let’s do it again, Maris!” David yells, after the tower topples to the ground after I pull out the piece that sends it crashing down with a huge bang.
“Anything you want, kid.” I ruffle the top of his dark hair.
“Then could I have a hug too?” His insecurity does me in.
“Those I give away without asking.” I open my arms, and he rushes in. “Is everything okay?”
He shakes his head, and just like that, another bond between us snaps into place—one of trust. “Want to talk about it?” I ask casually.
“Just some stupid kids at school.” He scuffs the toe of his shoe against the still-rock-hard earth.
I hold up a hand. “Fair warning, David. If I don’t like what I hear, I’m likely to tell Sarah and Hung.”
“Aww, why? Why can’t we have this between us?”
“Because they’re your guardians. And if it’s something they need to address with the school, I have a responsibility to keep you safe by letting the people legally responsible for your welfare know.”
He bites his lower lip. “But you’re my friend, Maris. There has to be some kind of way I can tell you…”
I rest my hand on his shoulder. “No. There’s no bending or, heaven forbid, breaking the rules.”
“Then maybe I won’t tell you,” he says belligerently.
And welcome to motherhood, Maris, I think to myself. Thank goodness I had Kara as a role model all these years. “That’s your choice. But I’d hate to spend the time between now and the next time I get to visit worrying about you.”
David bites down on his lip. “You’d worry?”
“Well, of course I would.” I love you, I want to scream. I want to make you my son. But I hold those words inside.
“They were saying I’m always going to be here,” he bursts out with. “The boys from school. They said there was no way anyone was ever going to want to adopt me. Why would you want a kid my age when you could have a baby?” Tears fill his caramel-brown eyes.
Fury burns inside me, but I don’t let that show. I shoot up a request to my brother, which I’m sure he’ll ignore since I’m still not certain I’ve forgiven him. Jed, can you do me a favor and give those little twerps a rash of acne? That’s not too outrageous of a request. I rein in my anger and drop down onto the grass. Patting the spot next to me, I wait for David to sit down. “Did I ever tell you I have a friend who was fostered?”
“Really?”
“Umm-hmm. He was older than you. I don’t know much about it, but my brother did. He knew him very well.”
“Wow. You have a brother?” David’s captivated.
I draw my knees up and cross my arms as I look out over the seawater. How do I set some of these memories free for someone who never knew Jed? “I did. He died about three years ago. It’s still difficult to talk about him since I loved him very much.”
I feel a little hand slip into mine. “Did he die like my mom did? Is that why you’ve never mentioned it?”
Startled, my head whips around to face the little boy who’s wormed his way into my heart. David’s mother’s death was an overdose associated with her seasonal affective disorder—a horrid tragedy for the little boy next to me. “No, sweetheart. He and his husband died in a car accident. I think I’ll always miss him.”
“Kind of like I’ll always miss Mom?”
“Exactly like that.” I reach over and wrap an arm around his shoulder. “You remind me of Jed in a number of ways.”
“I do? How?” He’s so eager to know, it alleviates my concerns about letting him know some of their personality traits.
“Making your own fun, finding joy in life. Having a quick mind and a sharper wit. All of those things. But you’re more thoughtful than Jed was. He often leaped before he looked. He would do something first and think of the repercussions after. Wait.” I sit up, very serious. “You don’t have a thing for flamingos, do you?”
David scrunches his nose at the question. “Tigers and bears are my favorite animals.”
“Oh, thank goodness. Jed had these obnoxious flamingo swim shorts all of his friends tried to find ways to
destroy. I don’t think they make them in your size.” I bite my lip. At least I pray they don’t. Those shorts should have been sacrificed years ago.
“Black’s a good color. So’s navy. I suppose when you get to college, you have to go with your school colors, I guess.”
“Yeah, I guess you do, buddy. And that might mean purple,” I warn him.
“Ugh. Okay. So, your brother…”
“You can call him Jed. He would have been okay with that.” If he lived to see the day I get to make this little boy my own, he would have loved Uncle Jed more, but all in good time. I swallow the lump in my throat, imagining Jed’s exuberance that I finally made it to this point of healing.
“So does Jed’s friend remember what it was like to find a permanent home?” David asks.
“He never found one. I found my brother’s journals a while back. But I think he was happier where he was. Overall, he’s a pretty special guy, regardless of who raised him.” I just wish Nick would realize these things about himself and not let the past define him.
The next thing you know, I’m being toppled back onto the grass by a slightly too skinny boy. “Hey, what’s this for?” I say as I absorb the hug.
“Because you’re the best, Maris. And…” He doesn’t say any more, but his arms hold me tight, conveying what I need to know in my heart.
He’s a piece of it.
When we look back on our lives together, I hope David will realize this is the moment he became mine. Not when all the inspections get finished and all the legalities become finalized. It’s at this moment, while we’re overlooking where the sea begins and ends in perpetual motion.
Later, after staying to enjoy dinner with David, Sarah, Hung, and their extended family, I drive home.
As is my usual, I remain tense until I pass the crash site. Once I do, I exhale and begin my mental to-do list. I need to make certain there’s been no changes to the schedules at the Brewhouse that require a miracle. I have chores around the house. Mentally, I groan when I realize that might mean chopping wood if I can’t bribe, beg, or borrow someone to do it. And, most important, I need to check in this week with Mrs. G. to make certain things are progressing on schedule with getting my home licensed to take over as David’s foster.
And I should check in with Rainey to see if Nick has gone back to Albuquerque instead of rising to the challenge of clearing out decades’ worth of email.
“Was it wrong to do it that way?” I ask aloud in my small tank. I navigate down my street and slow as I pull into my driveway and recognize the Subaru waiting there. “Uh-oh. Rainey’s here. I don’t think I’m getting much done tonight. I wonder if she needs wine.” Because if she does, nothing on my to-do list is getting accomplished.
I pull into the garage and turn off my vehicle. After sliding out, I walk outside into the cooling night air. “Hey. What’s wrong? Things getting crazy over at your house?”
But to my shock, it’s not Rainey who alights from the vehicle; it’s Nick. And his face is relieved. “You’re back.”
“I hope so. I live here.” But just as I’m about to brush past him to climb the front stoop, Nick swoops in and wraps his arms around me. “What’s wrong? Is it Brad? Rainey? The kids?”
He shakes his head. Instead he buries his head in the crook of my neck and breathes deeply. “Just give me this. Just for a moment, okay?”
Slowly, my arms creep around Nick’s waist. Tentatively, I squeeze him back. It’s not the first embrace we’ve shared since he came chasing after me the day of Jed’s funeral, but there’s something different about it. “Nick, I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong.”
He mumbles something I don’t quite catch.
“Let me go for just a moment so I can close the garage, then we can talk.”
His head lifts and my breath catches. Swirling in his beautiful eyes are contempt, bitterness, and revulsion. I try to step back, but the bands of steel holding me to him preclude that. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I whisper. What on earth happened in just a few short hours?
“Like what?”
“Like I somehow caused your world to end.”
He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. “That only would have happened if you’d actually died in that car wreck.”
Oh shit. “You’ve read your email.”
“Most of it.”
I rush out, “Nick, I’m so sorry. I realized earlier while I was driving you probably didn’t know. I had to make you realize there were other things that had happened. Some big, some small, but we’re your friends. As for me, I just can’t talk about it anymore. You were dissecting me in the car like I was some kind of science project, and I…”
His finger on my lips stops the words flowing.
I stand perfectly still, not even breathing, while his cool lips brush a kiss across my forehead, each brow, each cheek. He removes his finger, before his lips brush lightly across mine. He pulls back, searching my eyes, before admitting, “I’m not done yet. But I couldn’t go another minute without seeing your face. I don’t care how I felt about this place, if I would have known you were hurt, I would have been here.”
“I wouldn’t have seen you,” I tell him honestly. “I barely let Jed in.”
“And we’re going to talk about that.” A crooked smile crosses his lips. “But I have a training session tomorrow and more email to read.”
Slowly, so slowly, his arms loosen. “You’d better head inside.”
I’m confused. “That’s all you came for? To see me?”
“That’s all you’ll let me have until I’ve finished reading. Right?” Nick Cain is many things, but uncertain isn’t one of them. Seeing him suffocated with that emotion does me in.
“Wrong.” I step back into his arms and thread my fingers into his dark hair.
“Maris.” My name comes out as a rasp from his lips. “I don’t want you to look back on our first kiss and regret it.”
“The only regret will be if I have to wonder what it’s going to be like to wait one more night for it.” Then there’s no room for words between us as Nick lowers his head. His dark lashes lower, highlighting the fact he keeps his eyes on me as our lips connect and linger.
My head angles slightly as a sigh escapes, traversing from my mouth to his. He pulls back slightly. “Well, the world didn’t fall into the ocean.”
“Did you think it would?” I demand indignantly. I tug at his hair, but all it does is cause him to laugh.
“I was terrified over it.”
“Well, if you’re too much of a coward, Champ, then you can just—” But Nick cuts off my words by sealing his lips hungrily against mine.
Mine part of their own accord. My fingers trail into the hair at his neck. I wrap my arms around his shoulders instead. One of Nick’s hands tangles behind my head, holding my head in place as his tongue slides in and out of my mouth. The other moves down and cups my ass, his hips undulating to the same movement. In all the years I’ve had feelings for Nick, there’s no way I could have imagined this kiss. I would have had to stop my heart and restart it all while managing to float in the air with my feet on the ground.
In other words, it would have been a virtual impossibility.
Long minutes later, I eventually draw back. Nick’s lips are swollen, and the uncertainty has been replaced by an arrogant daze. I did that. A fierce satisfaction fills me at the sight. “Now, go.”
“Go? Are you serious?” He reaches for me again.
I smirk as I avoid his touch knowing I’ll melt like warm butter in his hands. “I believe you have some more emails to read, Champ.”
“There’s something you need to know before I do.”
“Okay.”
His face turns serious. “I want more from this than just your body, Maris. I didn’t wait all these years just for that.”
Whoa. Pressing a hand against my lower stomach, I whisper, “Then we’re going to need to talk, Nick. No more of this for a while.”
&nbs
p; “We will. I’ll let you know when I’m done with the emails.” Without another word, he turns away. Sliding into Rainey’s car, he starts the engine. I turn and run into the garage.
When I’m inside, I race up to the bedroom and grab Jed’s journal. I frantically flip through the pages until I find the passage I read the other night. When I find it, I read it aloud.
“No man is going to be good enough for Maris, but if Nick ever got his head out of his ass, he might have a chance. The question is, will that happen in this lifetime?”
Flopping back on the bed, I whisper, “I don’t know Jed, but I’m afraid to wish for too many miracles. You know? I still have to clean up the fallout from your interfering meddling as it is.”
Placing the journal on the nightstand, I stand and catch headlights heading down my driveway toward the street.
Damn. He waited until he knew I was safely inside. How am I supposed to handle this kind of sweet from the very devil himself?
Nick
“Damn, he’s a machine.”
“I know. It’s ridiculous to watch.” Oliver wipes the sweat from his brow.
We’re both standing aside as Reece London tackles everything we’ve tossed at him like we just asked him to skip around the school playground. He kept up with my grueling pace during a ten-mile run—a pace I set because I thought it would clear my head from the kiss I shared with Maris the night before. Then when we arrived back at the gym, Reece proceeded to demonstrate his range of motion through a series of stretches and jumps that would make a gymnast weep. As he’s pounding out rep after rep on the free weights, I make a snap decision. “Stop him.”
Oliver frowns. “Why?”
“Because I want to see him in action.”
“The tapes weren’t enough?”
My eyes don’t leave the broad-shouldered young man. “Have you ever wanted back in the cage since you retired, Ollie?”
“For me, the cage was either the gateway to heaven or hell. I love the sport, but I can’t say I miss having my ass kicked regularly. Why?”
Return by Sea (Glacier Adventure Series Book 3) Page 12