Drunk Driving

by Zane Mitchell

  “Okay, well, then there was Mack.”

  I nodded. “Okay. You’re right. She was crazy.”

  “And Nico.”

  My mind went back to the throat punch that had kicked off my trip to Paradise Isle. “Oh yeah. She was definitely crazy.”

  “Okay. See? You seem to gravitate towards crazy women.” She shook her head. “Honestly, it kind of makes me feel a little crazy for being your friend.”

  I sighed. “Frankie, don’t feel like that. You’re not crazy. Yeah, I’ll admit, I don’t always attract the best people in the world, but you are the exception. You’re the best woman I’ve ever attracted. Ever.” I reached out and tugged on her hand.

  She pouted at me. “Who said I’m attracted to you?”

  I flashed a smile at her, trying to coax one out of her in return. “Oh, come on. You know I’m sexy.”

  She didn’t let go of my hand, but she turned her head. “I know no such thing.”

  “I think you’re sexy,” I said in a low voice.

  She turned her head and smiled at me then, rolling her eyes dramatically. “Well, duh. That’s because I am sexy.”

  Staring at the way her cheeks dimpled when she smiled, I chuckled. “You have the best smile. I much prefer seeing you smile over being mad at me.”

  “I’m not mad at you, Danny. I’m just—frustrated. You frustrate me sometimes.”

  “I’m sorry that I frustrate you. I don’t try to. Honest.” I squeezed her hand. “Val and I don’t have anything going on between us. I swear. I met her at the Blue Iguana a few weeks ago. She’s a professional escort, and she tried to put the moves on me.” My hands went up. “But I didn’t touch her, I swear. I did call her to help Al and me out on something related to the case.”

  “Related to the case? What could she possibly—”

  I sighed. I hadn’t wanted to tell her everything, but now I felt like I had no choice. “We sort of broke into Kip Dalton’s place. I thought that was the house where they were taking the girls.”

  “You did what?! Danny! I can’t believe you!” She put a hand on either side of her head, covering her ears. “You shouldn’t be telling me any of this!”

  “I’m sorry. I know. I didn’t want to. I just don’t want you thinking that Val and I ever—you know—”

  “Well, what did she have to do with that?”

  “She was sort of our distraction. Like a decoy.”

  “A decoy? What are you talking about? How?”

  I rubbed my fingers against my sweaty brow. “We, uh, sent Kip a singing hookergram.”

  Frankie’s brows shot up. “Danny! You didn’t!”

  “Well, we needed to keep him busy for a little while we looked around his place. And it worked. That’s how we found those invoices for the cars, which led us to Steve Dillon, and on and on.” I smiled sweetly at her. “And Val promised she’d help us again. I need to get Artie into that party.”

  “Artie?! I thought we were going in?”

  “We are going in.” I smiled sheepishly at her. “Just not through the front door.”

  “Well, then, why even have Artie come at all? He could get hurt.”

  “It’s a risk I’m willing to take,” I said with a little laugh.

  “Danny, be serious for once. You don’t want Artie getting hurt. Or Al. Please tell me we’re not taking Al along too?”

  I stared at her blankly.

  “Danny,” she whispered, shaking her head.

  “What?! He wants to go.”

  “This kind of stuff isn’t a joke.”

  “Look, I’ve learned where Al’s concerned, you can’t tell him what he can or cannot do. Only Evie can do that.”

  “Well, then, tell Evie not to let Al go.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t do that. I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. My nose does not belong in their marriage.”

  “So, what’s Val’s job in all of this?”

  “She’s Artie’s date. He needs someone who knows how to work a crowd.”

  Frankie’s brows shot up. “Oh, I have no doubt that woman knows how to work a crowd alright. Explain to me again why we even need Artie to go in through the front.”

  “I want to know why they’re inviting all these business owners. What do Kip Dalton, Ziggy Thomas, Joseph Ayala, and Steve Dillon all have to do with Harvey Markovitz’s weird obsession with underage girls? If we go in through the back, we’re only getting a small picture of what’s really going on over there. I want to understand the whole operation.”

  She nodded and let out a little sigh. “Yeah, alright, I get it.”

  From behind us, Valentina’s voice called out. “Drunk, what do you theenk of thees one?” She was standing on the sidewalk in front of the boutique, wearing black straps of strategically placed fabric around her body. The sales lady stood next to her, apparently afraid she was going to make a break for it in what I only could assume was some designer’s idea of a dress. Valentina threw her arms up and toddled around in a circle on the pavement.

  Frankie put her hands on her hips and looked at me curiously. “Yeah, Drunk, what do you theenk of her dress?”

  “Be nice,” I whispered with a laugh. “She’s a sweet girl. A little boisterous, but sweet.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  I turned to look at Val. I tipped my head sideways and called out, “Umm. Are you sure you don’t have that on backwards?”

  Val looked down at her dress and then back up at me. Her bottom lip plumped out. She looked at the sales clerk and shrugged.

  “Okay, well—maybe we’ll try on a different one. Oh, and by the way, do you guys provide hair and makeup services?” Before either of them could respond, I crossed my hands in the air and shook my head. “Never mind, we’ll talk about it in a minute. Go back inside and I’ll be right there, I promise.” I smiled at Val and the sales lady before turning around to look at Frankie.

  “Look. Call me when you get off work and we’ll work out all the details for the party? Okay?”

  Frankie shook her head at me. “Ugh. The things I do for you, Danny.”

  “You love me and you know it.” I leaned forward and brushed a kiss against her cheek. Then I backed up towards the boutique and pointed at her. “I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.” I shot her a wink, then held two fingers to my lips, kissed them, and blew the kiss in her direction.

  She rolled her eyes and got in her squad car, refusing to give me so much as a wave before driving away.

  Women.

  30

  “Artie, Valentina. Valentina, this is Artie.” I stood back and smiled as Artie’s eyes nearly popped out of his head.

  Valentina wore the new little black dress and heels we’d picked out for her. She’d gotten her hair done and toned down the makeup considerably. Though her dress was tight and her neckline plunging, she still managed to straddle the line between classy and slutty perfectly in my opinion.

  Artie wiped his meaty grips on the black tuxedo pants he wore and extended his hand to Val. “I-it’s nice to meet you, Valentina.”

  “Hello,” she cooed back. “It ees so nice to meet you.”

  “Artie’s my boss at the Seacoast Majestic,” I explained.

  Valentina’s face lit up. “Ohhh, you are the boss?”

  His face was red as he kind of nodded. “Well, actually I own the place. It’s my resort.”

  That bit of information seemed to pull Val’s lever. Dollar signs registered in her eyes. There might as well have been flashing lights over her head, blinking Jackpot Jackpot Jackpot. “Ohhh, you own the place? Isn’t that niiiice?” She clung to his arm.

  “Valentina, you remember Al?”

  “Good to see you again,” she said, shaking Al’s hand and gracing him with one of her flirty smiles.

  “And of course you met my friend Officer Cruz. She’ll be working with us tonight.”

  Valentina looked Frankie up and down. Giving her a frown, she nodded. “Yes. Hello again.” Then she turned to look
at me. “So what are you guys gonna do while me and Artie are at the party?”

  “Al, Officer Cruz and I will be posing as caterers for the event.” It had only taken me calls to six local caterers to find out which one was working the party. I’d told each of them that I needed to make a change to the menu for the Kip Dalton party. The sixth one had taken the bait. Once we knew who was catering, a quick look at pictures on their website told us exactly what the uniform looked like. Black dress pants and shoes, a white button-down shirt with a black tie, and a burgundy apron.

  “And what are Val and I supposed to do?” asked Artie, all tuxedo’d up and staring at Val. His face seemed to melt a little more than usual.

  I tossed him the bar towel I’d brought as part of my props. “For fuck’s sake, Artie. Can you turn off the waterworks for one night?”

  He stuck a finger in his collar and tugged. “Like I can control it? I’m roasting in this penguin suit. Are you sure I don’t look ridiculous in this?”

  “I think you look very handsome,” said Val, cuddling up to Artie’s side. “Like a beeg teddy bear.”

  Artie cleared this throat. “Oh, well, uh. Thank you. You look very nice as well. Very, uh-hum, pretty.”

  “Ooh,” she squealed. “Thank you so much.”

  “Okay, look, Artie. All you and Val have to do is get in. Okay? Then play it cool. Go with the flow, you know? Something’s going on over there. Keep your ear to the ground and see what you can’t figure out.”

  Artie nodded. “Okay. We can do that, right, Val?”

  “Of course we can,” said Val with a smile. Clinging to his arm, she rubbed his chest seductively. “You are in very capable hands, you know.”

  Artie blotted his face once again while Frankie and I exchanged looks.

  Al pointed at Artie. “You printed out your invitation?”

  He patted his breast pocket. “Got it right here.”

  “Did you ask Desi to drive you?” Al asked.

  “I, uh, rented a limo, actually. You know, since I don’t go out very often, I thought maybe I’d splurge a little.”

  Val’s eyes lit up. Her hand rubbed up and down Artie’s chest again. “Oooh. A limo! Artie, that’s so sweet of you.”

  Artie sucked in a deep breath, making a little wheezing sound. I silently wondered if he’d thought to bring along an inhaler. I didn’t want him to pass out on the way to the party or anything.

  “Okay. Well, you’ve got your phone. If you see or hear anything suspicious, just call. Okay?”

  Artie nodded and then crooked his arm for Val to take. “Shall we, m’lady?”

  She giggled excitedly. “Ohh, so romantic.” As they began to walk away, she turned around to wiggle her fingers at us. “Bye-bye.”

  “Have fun,” said Al.

  “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, Artie,” I hollered after them.

  Artie laughed as he turned to face me. “So pretty much everything’s on the table, then, eh, Drunk?”

  Val’s hand slipped down to squeeze Artie’s ass. “Oh, yes, everything.”

  * * *

  After Artie and Val left, Frankie, Al, and I hopped in the van we’d borrowed from the Cruz brothers once again and headed to the address listed on Artie’s invitation. Harvey Markovitz’s beachfront mansion was located at the very tip of the Avalonian Peninsula. The line of cars waiting to be approved for entry was long, and we sat with the windows rolled down, trying to air the fishy smell out of the vehicle to keep from vomiting.

  When it was finally our turn to be approved at the guard shack, I held my breath from the back. Frankie drove and Al rode shotgun.

  “I’m sorry, this is an invitation-only event,” said the guard to Frankie.

  Frankie hitched her thumb towards the back of the vehicle. “The caterers ran low on crab. They placed a last-minute order. We’re just delivering.”

  The guard sighed. “There’s a service entrance for deliveries around back.”

  “Oh. Is there? They didn’t mention it. Can’t we just come in through here?”

  “They’re the ones with the lists over there. I only have the guest list here.”

  Frankie groaned. “Look. We just waited twenty minutes in this line. If we have to go around and wait in another line, we’re just gonna bounce. We were doing you a favor by rushing over here, after hours because someone in there doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing. You know lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on our part.” Frankie sighed and I felt the vehicle lurch slightly as she took it out of park. “We’re just gonna go, and you can explain to your boss why his guests ran out of crab.”

  The vehicle began to roll forward.

  “Wait. Wait,” shouted the guard. He let out a little grunt and then mumbled, “Fine.”

  The van stopped rolling.

  “Ugh. But next time you have to go through the delivery entrance. See that lane over there? That’s where you go.”

  We were in.

  Yes! Good job, Frankie!

  “Thank you,” she said curtly, taking her foot off the brakes once again.

  “Oh. But before you take off, since you don’t have an invitation, I do have to inspect what’s in the back of the vehicle.”

  My eyes widened.

  “Oh, uh, yeah. No problem,” said Frankie.

  I pulled the tarp that was draped over my head tighter and held my breath as I heard the back doors of the van open up. With my other hand, I clutched the handle of the 9mm Glock 43 I’d purchased after the incident with Pam’s abduction. The boxes of crab meat we’d brought along were all the way down at the tail end of the van. I could hear the guard open one of the boxes. My heart pounded wildly, hoping they wouldn’t ask to see what was under the tarp.

  The doors slammed shut and I heard him pound the side of the van. “Good to go,” he hollered at Frankie.

  I let out a breath of relief.

  “You okay, kid?” asked Al.

  I uncovered my head and looked up at Al. “Yeah. It smells like shit back here, though.”

  “Toughen up a little, Danny. We’ll be there in a second.”

  “Easy for you to say. You’re sitting next to an open window. I’ve got a fishy tarp locking in the odors. It’s like a fish Dutch oven under here.” I felt the van rolling around for what seemed like several minutes but was probably only thirty seconds or so. Then it came to a stop and the gentle rattling of the engine stopped.

  “We’re here. You can take the tarp off now, I think we’re safe,” said Frankie.

  I tossed the tarp off my head. Stale, tepid air washed over me, cooling the sweat on my brow but bringing a whole new wave of dead fish smell to my nostrils. “Ugh, I gotta get out of this van before I hurl.”

  “I’ll let you out,” said Frankie, hopping out of the van and slamming her door.

  She pulled open the back van door and I burst out. “Oh sweet Jesus, air!” I whispered with my arms spread wide open and my eyes closed and looking heavenward.

  “Dramatic much?” asked Frankie.

  I opened one eye and looked over at her. “Next time we’ll hide you in the back of a fish van under a smelly fish tarp and see how dramatic you are. Deal?”

  She pressed her lips together and raised her brows. “Mmmkay. You done now?”

  I smoothed my black slacks and shirt and ran a hand through my hair. Taking one last deep breath, I nodded. “Yes.”

  “Good. Let’s go. We have work to do.” She grabbed one of the boxes of crab out of the back of the van and I grabbed the other and then walked around to the front door of the van and opened it for Al.

  “Ready, Al? It’s go time.”

  Al nodded and tried to climb out.

  I leaned against the van and watched him struggle to slide down to his feet. Artie’s concerns replayed through my mind. “You sure you don’t just want to stay out here? It’ll be safer.”

  “And miss all the action?”

  I shrugged. “I’ll fill you in when
we get back.”

  Al shook his head and slid out of the vehicle. It was dark out and we were parked in an employee parking lot behind the house. Al hobbled around in circles, holding his lower back.

  “You alright?”

  “It’s just my sciatica again. I gotta walk it off and loosen up a little.”

  “Maybe you should do some stretching and stuff. You know, bend over and touch your toes.”

  Al looked at me like I was crazy. “Look, kid, if God wanted me to touch my toes, he woulda put ’em on my knees.”

  I chuckled. “Alright, then. Bend over and touch your knees.”

  Al wagged his finger in the air. “See, there you go again with your lines.” He shook his head. “You can just keep that line between you and your lady friends.”

  Fighting a laugh, I rolled my eyes. “Line? It’s not a line, Al.” I shook my head at him. “Look, I think it’s best for all of us if you stay in the van.”

  “I agree,” said Frankie, walking around the vehicle to check on us. “We aren’t gonna have a lot of time in there. And if something were to go wrong, we’re gonna need you out here waiting for us with the car at the ready.”

  Al pressed his fingers against his chest. “Lemme get this straight. You wanna reduce me to being the getaway driver?”

  “Yes. That’s exactly what she’s telling you, Al. Remember, there are no small parts, only small actors. Besides, Evie would be thankful. Come on. Whaddaya say?”

  Al straightened, then caught a sharp pain somewhere in his body and winced. Rubbing the kink out, Al nodded. “Fine. But only because I’m not moving very fast today.”

  I fought a smile. “Today, right—”

  Frankie didn’t want to wait around. She gave him a curt nod. “Keep an eye on your phone. We’ll call if we need you to bring the van around. Be ready, alright?”

  “Yeah, okay.” He frowned. I could tell he wasn’t very happy about getting left behind, but I also knew he was hurting and didn’t have much choice.

  I put a hand on his shoulder. “This is for the best, Al.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Just don’t be a hero, kid.”

  I gave him a tight smile. “Thanks, Al. You be safe too.”