Forgetting You

by Casey, L. A.

  The more I thought about that, the more I thought about my relationship with Noah. I’d wanted a relationship like my parents’, but now that relationship was dead and not what I thought – and it made me question everything. I loved Noah and she loved me, I knew that, but now that the worry and doubt had crept into my mind, I wondered if my relationship was really as perfect as I thought it was.

  It was all fucking with my head.

  “I don’t blame you for being angry,” AJ said as he handed me the can of cider he’d grabbed from my fridge. “Have you talked to your parents about it since they told you?”

  “No,” I grunted as I cracked open the can. “Bailey was so acceptin’ of it. She was completely understandin’. I just stared at them both until dinner ended, then I came home to Noah. I’ve been avoidin’ both of their calls because I know they’ll just want to talk about it. I’ve only seen them a couple of times over the last few weeks, and that’s only because Noah insisted we drop by for a cuppa. Neither of them would risk upsettin’ her so I’ve yet to hear what they have to say about me silence on the matter.”

  AJ snorted. “Everyone loves Noah.”

  “Tell me about it.” I took a swig of my drink. “She’s easy to love, but fuckin’ hell, AJ, she just keeps talkin’ about weddings.”

  “In what way?” he asked with an eyebrow raised. “Other people’s weddings?”

  “Everyone’s fuckin’ weddin’,” I grumbled as I shook my head. “She’s bought every bridal magazine ever published, and leaves them in places I’ll have to move them. She left one on the toilet seat the other day, mate.”

  AJ snickered. “She was never good at being subtle, not even when she fancied you but pretended she didn’t.”

  I rubbed my face with my free hand. “AJ, I don’t want to get married. She does.”

  There was a period of prolonged silence as we drank our drinks and concentrated on the half-time analysis of the Man City versus Man United derby.

  “Tell her,” AJ said during the next advert. “You have to.”

  “I know.” I leaned my head back against the settee. “I’m gonna break her heart.”

  “Maybe you won’t. Maybe she’ll understand.”

  I shook my head. I knew in my heart that I was going to hurt Noah when I told her of my decision, and hurting her was going to hurt me. She wanted to get married – she’d always said so, but for the past year she’d been more vocal about it.

  “I could just do it, y’know?” I thought out loud. “I could just ask her to marry me and get it over with.”

  “You could.” AJ nodded. “You could do all of that, but I don’t think it’s going to make your worry go away.”

  “Fuckin’ hell,” I groaned. “Maybe I’m just thinkin’ crazy because of me parents?”

  “We’ve never talked about either of us getting married, but were you open to it before?”

  “Well, yeah. I figured that at some point I’d get married, I just never put a massive amount of thought into it like I am right now. Noah’s pressure on me over the last few months about marriage has been a bit of a strain, and now with me parents’ divorce . . . it just feels like something I don’t want to do right now.”

  “Right now,” AJ said. “Meaning it might be something you want in the future?”

  “I don’t know, man. Maybe.”

  “You’re twenty-five – you don’t have to get married right this second. Taking a step back to figure your head out is perfectly okay. Being married doesn’t change how much you love Noah, man.”

  I felt my entire body deflate with his words.

  “Right.” I bobbed my head in agreement. “I love Noah to pieces, she’s the only one I want . . . but I want things to be like they are now. We don’t need to get married.”

  “You should talk to her about it. Don’t shut the idea of marriage down completely because, like you said, you don’t know if it’s something you might want in the future. Explain it’s something you don’t want right now, tell her what’s going on inside your head.”

  I exhaled.

  “The thought of it is just too much right now. Whenever I think of it, I feel like me head is being held underwater. It makes me feel sick.”

  I’d wanted a love like my parents had, and I’d thought I had that with Noah, but their love was over and so was their marriage. It probably sounded stupid, but I believed that if I married Noah, it’d jinx what we had together. I was terrified that I’d grow to resent her or she would realise I wasn’t husband material, and everything would just fall apart around me. Just like it had for my parents. I couldn’t risk it . . . I just couldn’t.

  “I have to say, Elliot, I never thought imagining me as your wife would make you feel sick.”

  I froze as her voice drifted into the room like an icy breeze. Dread washed over me as I quickly replayed everything AJ and I had just spoken about, and my hands clenched into fists.

  AJ looked over his shoulder and his eyes widened.

  “Ah, bollocks. Noah, he didn’t mean any of it, he’s just under stress—”

  “Please, AJ.” She cut him off shakily. “Don’t make excuses for him.”

  No. No. No. No.

  This wasn’t how I was supposed to tell her. I jumped to my feet, turned to face her and my stomach lurched when I saw her red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. She’d heard everything I said. Everything. She wouldn’t have been crying otherwise.

  “Noah.” I looked at her as helplessness filled me. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry—”

  “AJ,” she said, offering our friend a small, sad smile. “Can you give us a minute?”

  “Sure, Nono.” He seemed to tighten his hold on his can. He glanced my way then left the room, kissing the crown of Noah’s head as he passed her by. I heard the kitchen door close moments later, and I suddenly felt trapped as my girlfriend – the love of my life – stared at me with those green eyes I loved; but for once, they seemed to look right through me.

  “Please,” I gulped. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to hear any of that . . . I thought ye were at work.”

  “I got off early,” she answered robotically, her stance shifting. “You didn’t say you’re sorry you said it, or that you didn’t mean to say it. You’re just sorry because you didn’t mean for me to hear it.”

  I had never seen that expression of hurt on Noah’s face before, and it prompted me to move to within touching distance of her. But she held up her hand and brought me to a halt right in front of her. I didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want me to touch her and that was all I wanted to do.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Stop fucking saying that!”

  I wasn’t surprised by her shout – she was upset, but she was becoming angry too. That was Noah’s way. She was always upset before she ever got truly angry.

  “I can’t believe this,” she said to herself. “I can’t fucking believe this.”

  I stared at her like a bloody eejit. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, so I stood there, unmoving, feeling like a clown, as she broke down in front of me.

  “Sasanach—”

  “Don’t,” she suddenly screamed, and this time I jumped. “Don’t ever call me that again. Ever.”

  My lips parted as shock rippled through me at her declaration. I had always called her sasanach as an endearment and she loved it. For her to tell me never to call her it again made fear crawl down the length of my spine.

  “Noah.”

  She was staring up at me, tears on her face as she breathed heavily. With a shake of her head, she suddenly turned and stormed down the hallway towards our bedroom, with me following her.

  “What’re ye doin’?” I shouted after her. “Talk to me, for God’s sake.”

  “Like you talked to me?” she snapped, throwing a hand up into the air. “You told Ajax everything that I should have heard first. D’you have any idea how much of a fucking idiot I feel?”

  She swung the bedroom door
open, not caring when it slammed against the wall. I watched as she grabbed the duffle bag she used when going away for spa weekends with her mother, and my heart just about stopped. She threw it on to the bed, yanked it open, and began to grab random items of clothing and shoved them inside. I was next to her in an instant, grabbing her hands.

  “Let me go!” she screamed in dismay. “Elliot, stop it!”

  I wasn’t her hurting her, I knew I wasn’t, but I did as she asked.

  “I’m leaving.”

  “What?” I asked, dumbly. “What did ye just say?”

  “What’s the point in us being together?” she shouted at me, throwing her hands up in the air. “Elliot, I thought you were going to propose to me soon.”

  I felt my jaw drop. “What the hell would give ye that impression?”

  “Other than the fact we’ve been together for seven years? Or that we love each other?”

  “Yeah,” I snapped. “Other than those things.”

  Her entire body seemed to jolt at my words, like they’d physically hurt her.

  “I thought we were ready,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I thought you wanted to make me your wife.”

  I couldn’t believe she was saying these things.

  “Noah . . .” I ran my hand through my hair. “Just stop for a second. Marryin’ you . . . it’s not something that I can do right now. All of this shite with me parents has really fucked with me head.”

  “My parents are still married and in love. Just because your parents didn’t make it doesn’t mean that we can’t.”

  I heard what she was saying but the doubt still had hold of my mind.

  “I can’t,” I managed to say around the lump in my throat. “I can’t marry ye, Noah. We’re still kids, we have years to get married. Can’t we just stay as we are right now?”

  She stepped back from me as tears fell down her cheeks. I reached for her but she recoiled from me, so I let my arm drop numbly back to my side. I didn’t know what to do. In the seven years we’d been together we had never encountered anything like this. We fought, and I’d had to sleep on the sofa a few times, but she’d never packed a bag to get away from me.

  “Why isn’t it enough to just be with me?” I asked, clenching my hands into fists. “Why do we hav’te get married?”

  “Because I want to be your wife,” she screamed, her voice suddenly a little hoarse. “I wanted to stand in front of our friends and family and choose you before God as my one. It’s important to me . . . I’ve dreamed of marrying you for years, Elliot. You know I have!”

  I rubbed my eyes with the backs of my hands when they began to sting with tears.

  “I can’t give ye that right now, Noah. Maybe in the future I can.”

  “Can you say that for certain?”

  “I . . . I . . . No.” I swallowed. “I can’t say for certain that me feelings about it will change.”

  Her lower lip wobbled, her tears coming fast and furious.

  “Then that’s it,” she said on a choked sob. “That’s it. There’s nothing more to say.”

  I wanted to go to her, to comfort her and make her tears stop, but I couldn’t. I had to make her understand that I couldn’t relent on this issue; she didn’t understand that I was terrified of getting married. The practice felt jinxed to me now.

  “I love you,” I stressed to her. “I love ye with everythin’ in me, Noah. Why isn’t that enough for ye?”

  “Everything about you is enough for me, it always has been and it always will be, but you’re only saying all of this because you’re scared.”

  “Yeah,” I snapped. “I’m fuckin’ scared. Me parents have been together for thirty years and married for twenty. I told ye when we got together that I wanted a love like theirs, and now that love is dead. Me da said everythin’ went wrong when they got married. I don’t want anythin’ to go wrong for us . . . why can’t we just stay as we are?”

  “Because I want all of you. Your heart, your last name, your kids. All of it, and I won’t settle for less. I love you, God knows I do, but I’ll not settle for less.”

  She grabbed her packed bag and hung the strap over her shoulder.

  “We’re done, Elliot.”

  “Done?” I said as the ground fell away beneath my feet. “Just like that, Noah? Seven years together and we’re fuckin’ done?”

  She lifted her chin. “I won’t settle for less . . . we’re done.”

  I stared in disbelief as she walked right by me.

  “Fine,” I shouted after her, suddenly furious with her for not even trying to see things from my point of view. “Leave, Noah. See if I give a fuck!”

  The only thing that answered me was the slam of the front door. The silence that followed was almost deafening. I stumbled, the backs of my knees hitting the bed, and I dropped into a seated position and stared at the floor. My head fell into my hands, and I tried to breathe normally. I heard the kitchen door opening, then footsteps followed by a long sigh.

  “Eli, I’m sor—”

  “She’ll be back.” I cut him off with a shake of my head before he could say anything further. “She didn’t mean what she said, she’s just upset with me.”

  I looked up at him. AJ stared at me – then, as if on autopilot, he crossed the room and held out a hand that gripped an unopened can of cider. I took it, opened it and drained it in seconds. My friend sat next to me and watched me, concern marring his features. With a wave of my hand I said, “Don’t look at me like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like I’m a drowned puppy or somethin’,” I grunted as I crushed the empty can in my hand. “I’m fine . . . she’s just upset. She loves me, mate. She’s not gonna leave me over this. She wouldn’t do that to me.”

  AJ didn’t agree or disagree with me, but he still looked at me like I was the saddest thing he had ever seen, and suddenly I felt like a weight was sitting on my chest as the realisation of the situation dawned on me. Noah had broken up with me; she’d said the words though I could tell it was the last thing she’d wanted to do.

  That was the only piece of comfort I had. She didn’t want to leave me . . . but she still had.

  For as long as I had known Noah, she’d made it clear that she valued commitment. Before we got together properly, she’d loved me but was willing to step back from me because I hadn’t asked her to be my girlfriend. She knew what she wanted, and like she said . . . she didn’t settle for less than what she wanted. She wasn’t the kind of woman to play games, and she didn’t say things she didn’t mean in order for me to chase after her.

  She said what she meant . . . and that meant she was really done with me.

  “She’ll come back to me,” I said again to AJ, but a silent panic had settled over me. My hands began to shake as doubt curled around me, draining me of life. “She will.”

  No, a voice whispered in the back of my mind. She won’t.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  NOAH

  Present day . . .

  “That’s what Anderson meant on the night I woke up.” I clasped my hands together. “He said you broke my heart . . . that’s what he was talking about.”

  “Yes, honey.”

  It had felt as if all the air was being sucked from the room as I listened to Elliot explain why our relationship had ended. My emotions were running high and my heart pounded inside my chest. Marriage. That was what broke us up. Elliot’s inability to commit to marriage. Out of everything I had considered, what I’d just learned wasn’t something I’d seen as a factor.

  “You didn’t want to marry me.”

  I couldn’t look at Elliot as I spoke the words, because my heart was hurting. I had listened to every word he’d just said, and by the time he finished, what I’d felt was a deep hurt. The only memories I had of Elliot and our relationship were good ones. We’d never had a downward spiral like other couples who’d had to fight for their relationship; we’d never had trying times where either of us felt like the
other wasn’t the person for us. I’d always believed we were the lucky ones – until now.

  I had always believed that marriage would be on the cards for us, and I had always made that known. To hear this was the reason I ended my and Elliot’s relationship was like being doused in ice-cold water. Part of me felt angered, but mostly I just felt saddened and I didn’t know what to do about it.

  “I was scared,” Elliot said, covering my hands with his. “I was goin’ through a lot once me parents told me they were divorcin’. Ye know how much I idolised their relationship, Noah. The second doubt creeped into my mind about us, it was all over. It poisoned me mind.”

  I found myself nodding because, even though my heart hurt, I could understand his point of view.

  “I can grasp fear wrecking your train of thought but, Elliot, surely talking to me about it, instead of keeping it all bottled up, would have helped?”

  “I know.” He hung his head. “I thought I could figure it out in me head, but the longer I didn’t speak to you about it, the worse I felt.”

  I swallowed. “I never made it a secret about marriage. You knew it was something I wanted.”

  “I know, and up until that shitstorm, it was something I wanted too.”

  I looked at him. “You should have told me the second you had doubts. You said I was leaving bridal magazines around as hints, always talking about weddings . . . why did you allow me to plan and envision a future that would never happen? That was cruel of you, Elliot.”

  “I was stupid,” he sighed. “I never factored in things like that. I was only thinkin’ of how I could tell ye without hurtin’ ye. I didn’t think beyond that. I truly believed that things wouldn’t end the way they did, even though I lied and kept how I felt about marriage from ye. There’s no other way to put it other than I fucked up, Noah.”

  I cleared my throat. “Your honesty was something I always valued because you were the only person to ever give it to me fully. My parents were overbearing when I was younger and kept things from me, believing it was for my own good, but you never did that. I think . . . I think that was part of the reason I left you.”