Forgetting You

by Casey, L. A.

  It was entirely unique to us, and the comparisons I’d once made suddenly held no merit.

  The realisation of this was like being doused in ice water. What now seemed like such a trivial thing to be scared of had changed my entire life for the worse. At the time it was such a massive struggle for me, but in this moment, being surrounded by my friends, it felt like a blindfold had been removed and I could see things clearly again. For the first time in a long time, my thought process wasn’t dominated by fear of the unknown, heartache from my break-up or the pain of losing my sister.

  The idea of marrying Noah and her having my children was something I could envision . . . it was something I wanted.

  “I’m glad Noah is back to her old self, Eli,” AJ said. “She’s helping you massively by keeping your mind focused.”

  On something other than my sister being dead, he meant.

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “Everythin’ has changed with her back in me life. Things aren’t bleak any more. I have somethin’ to look forward to when I go to see her every day. Even though what happened the night of the accident is constantly on me mind along with Bailey, Noah is front and centre because I can actually do somethin’ to help her.”

  I wished I could snap my fingers and get to the bottom of that night, but the key factor in that was Noah’s memory. She might possibly never get it back, and what happened the night Bailey died would forever remain a mystery. I wasn’t going to give up though – I’d promised my sister that I’d find out what happened, and I would.

  “When are you gonna tell her that Bailey died? She has to be asking all sorts of questions.”

  “She is,” I answered Tank. “She’s doin’ well but her brain is so fragile still. If I tell her about Bailey it might . . . it might kill her. She’ll blame herself. I know she will.”

  “Christ.” Pretty scratched his neck. “Poor girl is going through it.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “She’s stuck on her differences now too, which sucks.”

  “What d’you mean?”

  “She’s really upset about her body. In her last memory she was slim, and now she has weight on her. I hope she doesn’t linger on it because I’m fine with how she looks. When I was helpin’ her shower and she bent over, I was glad her arse got fatter. Christ, I could have cried.”

  “Hold up.” Texas sat upright. “You helped her in the shower. She was naked?”

  “She was showerin’,” I deadpanned. “Of course she was naked.”

  “Rewind.” AJ held his hand up. “She has a fractured leg . . . how did she get naked?”

  “I undressed her.” At the widened eyes and happy smiles I received, I shook my head, laughing. “It wasn’t like how you’re all thinkin’. She said she needed me to help her, not the nurse. I didn’t touch her, but the way she looked at me may as well have been strokes to me cock. I thought me balls were goin’ to explode.”

  Snickers filled the room.

  “Sounds to me like she was trying to get some.” Pretty grinned, waggling his brows.

  “She was,” I laughed. “She wants me, she told me she loves me.”

  “Mate,” AJ said with a smile. “That’s brilliant.”

  “Yeah . . . until she gets her memories back.”

  “She’s been awake almost two weeks now and hasn’t had so much as a flashback.” AJ looked at me pointedly. “Don’t be worrying so much. She wants you; you want her. Stop making it complicated.”

  “It is complicated though,” Tank chimed in. “She’s married.”

  Like I could forget that important detail.

  “Yep,” I sighed. “That prick is never far from me mind.”

  “She can’t remember the man.” AJ shrugged. “She’s fair game in my book.”

  “I’m not sympathising with the man ’cause I know he’s a wanker,” Pretty said. “However, if it were my wife in Noah’s position, and her ex knew good and well she was mine, and he was still trying it on with her . . . I’d kill him.”

  “Me too,” Tank and Stitch said in unison.

  I scrubbed my face with my hands.

  “I don’t care about him,” I stated. “I care about Noah. I already kissed her senseless, but I won’t let it get that far. If she does get her memories back, I want to have a fightin’ chance with her. I don’t want to take advantage of the fact that her mind is stuck in the past when she loved me.”

  There was a moment of silence, then Pretty clapped his hand against my back.

  “You’re a good man, Irish.”

  “He’s a better man than me,” AJ snorted. “I’d have fucked her seven ways to Sunday by now . . . you should see how deliciously thick she’s gotten. Thighs and tits of a goddess, boys.”

  I was on my feet and swinging at AJ before his last words left his mouth. The fucking lunatic laughed when I landed a right hook to his jaw, followed by a solid punch to his stomach. He didn’t even attempt to fight me off; he had our buddies there to save him. Tank, the monster that he was, had easily wedged himself between us, and shoved me a metre or two away from a now-groaning AJ.

  “Cool off,” Tank said, but he was grinning, thoroughly amused. “You got your hits in.”

  Not nearly enough of them, if you asked me.

  “Arsehole,” AJ shouted, then laughed. “Why’d you have to hit me in my face?”

  “It was warranted – you talked about his missus.”

  “I’m joking!” He paused. “Okay, I wasn’t, but still. Ow!”

  I scowled. “Ye know better. I’m wound up over her right now. Don’t be given me reasons to attend another funeral!”

  “You’re so rude!” AJ grumbled as he got to his feet. “And fuck you lot for sitting there – are you recording this, Pretty?”

  “Hell yeah I am,” he snorted. “I wanna show my wife what I have to put up with in between calls.”

  Amused, I signalled to Tank that I was calm. He returned to his seat and I crossed over to AJ and peered at his face. His jaw was slightly swollen and red, but other than that, he was fine.

  “Ye’ll live.”

  “If it hurts me to kiss Dani later, I’m decking you.”

  I grinned at his grouching.

  “When are ye gonna ask her to be your girlfriend? You’re actin’ like a clown with that girl.”

  “For your information” – AJ looked me up and down – “I asked her last night. I am now, officially, no longer a bachelor. I’ve got me a missus, a ball and chain, a bed-warmer if you will.”

  “If you listen very closely,” Pretty said, squinting his eyes as if that would help him hear better. “You can hear a collective sigh of relief from the women of London.”

  “Bullshit.” AJ waved his hand. “A collective cry as hearts break everywhere is what you’ll hear. Women love me.”

  “I’m honestly so fuckin’ glad.” I patted his shoulder. “You havin’ a missus will be like a dog gettin’ neutered. Ye’ll finally calm the fuck down.”

  We all laughed at AJ’s expense, and he did too because he never took anything too seriously. None of us did when it came to insults.

  “Irish, when are you coming back from compassionate leave?” Stitch asked me. “We miss your ugly mug.”

  “Ugly, ay?” I smirked. “Pretty here told me his wife thinks I’m handsome when I’m all cleaned up . . . And didn’t your wife tell me I looked like a dark-haired Thor before? Will she like my new look?”

  “I changed my mind.” Stitch glowered. “Quit. We all hate you here.”

  Laughter filled the room once more.

  “I have to see a counsellor first, obviously. I’ll be back . . . a couple more weeks, maybe. I can’t get much more than that without riskin’ me job,” I answered honestly. “But Noah needs me right now.”

  “Get your missus better and then come back to work,” Pretty suggested. “Life was always safer when you were dating Noah.”

  “I disagree,” AJ chimed in. “He was the shittest wingman ever when he was with Noah, but luckily I
no longer need a wingman. Did I mention that Dani is my missus now?”

  A collective groan echoed throughout the station.

  “Is this all we’re gonna hear now?” Texas sighed, running a hand through his black hair. “I’m the only single one left. Jesus. I never thought I’d want a steady girl at twenty-seven, but y’all are makin’ me jealous.”

  I didn’t remind him that I was technically still single, because I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be back in a relationship with Noah more than anything. But I had to remember that baby steps were the way to go, even if the slow pace was killing me. Having her in the end would be more than worth it.

  “Dani has an Irish cousin who just moved here.” AJ grinned knowingly. “A sexy redhead. You like those, Tex.”

  Texas raised his eyebrows. “What’s the catch?”

  “She’s crazy, just like Dani, that’s the catch. She has that fiery Irish temper.”

  AJ showed Texas a picture of the redhead. I caught sight of it and whistled.

  “She’s fine-lookin’.”

  “Our kids will be beautiful,” Texas said, earning a laugh and a pat on the back from every man in the room.

  “I’ve got you, bro,” AJ said as he tapped on the screen of his phone. “Double date tomorrow night?”

  “If she likes the look of me, hell yeah.”

  “Mate.” AJ rolled his eyes skywards. “Why d’you think I pitched her to you? Dani already pitched you to her and told me to get us a double date because you’re apparently ‘sex on legs’ and your Southern cowboy accent induces ‘fanny flutters’. That was a direct quote from Dani’s cousin, none of that was improvised on my part. I think you’re ugly and sound like a dumbarse when you speak.”

  I shook my head in amusement as they exchanged insults and worked out the details of their upcoming double date. When my phone rang and I saw it was Mr Ainsley, I answered it right away.

  “Mr A,” I greeted him. “Everything okay?”

  “No,” he sighed. “Anderson was here last night and he had a long talk with Noah. She’s very upset and doesn’t want to speak to us. She wants us to leave, but we’re not going anywhere. She doesn’t want to see you either. I don’t know what the son of a bitch told her but get over here now. She needs you.”

  I was already jogging out of the station before I hung up the phone, shouting to my friends that everything was fine when everything was definitely not fucking fine. I jumped in my car with my heart pounding. What did Anderson tell Noah? If he’d told her about Bailey, if he’d told her what should rightfully have come from me, West Norwood Cemetery would need to open a new plot immediately.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  NOAH

  “Are you gonna make me call the nurse to ask you both to leave?” I demanded of my parents. “Because I can do just that if you want me to.”

  They had been here close to an hour, and they were refusing to leave until I had a proper conversation with them. But I didn’t want to. When I’d awoken early that morning, alone, my conversation with Anderson had replayed over and over in my mind then anger had set in. I’d never liked being kept in the dark about things, but this took the cake.

  “Stop being so stubborn, Noah Ainsley.”

  It was on the tip of my tongue to correct her with my married name of Riley, but that was only frustration wanting to rear its ugly head. I couldn’t claim Anderson’s surname when I felt no connection to it. To him.

  I frowned at my mother. “You let Dad phone Elliot when I made it clear I don’t want to speak to any of you right now, and you’re calling me stubborn?”

  Mum sighed. “I don’t know what Anderson told you—”

  “He,” I interrupted, “a man who is a stranger to me, told me things that you should have told me. He told me I cut you both – and everyone else – out of my life. I had to hear that from him.”

  Dad’s face turned purple. “He had no right, no fucking right.”

  “No right?” I repeated, bewildered. “Dad, I’m married to the man. I may not remember him, but he was with me throughout the period of my life that I can’t bloody remember. A life none of you were involved in. He is the only person who can tell me what the hell happened, because neither of you, nor Elliot, trust me with the information.”

  We all looked at the doorway when it was flung open. It was Elliot and he was breathing heavily, sweat glistening on his forehead. I wondered if he’d run all the way up the stairs from the car park, but I didn’t ask because deep down I knew the answer to my question. He had.

  “Get out.”

  He crossed the room. “Make me.”

  “Make you?” I sat upright. “You pig-headed bastard. Get out!”

  Elliot ignored me, looking from me to my parents.

  “What’d he tell her?”

  “How they got together, and that she pushed everyone away . . . that’s all.”

  I gaped at him when Elliot appeared to be . . . relieved. His shoulders sagged as he placed his hands on his hips and blew out a big breath. I glared at him.

  “You’ve some fucking nerve to look happy about this, Elliot McKenna.”

  His expression hardened.

  “I am glad,” he replied, his tone clipped. “I’m glad he didn’t overwhelm ye and hurt you!”

  I looked towards the window. “I’m not as fragile as you think I am.”

  “I don’t think you’re fragile, Noah. What I know is that you’re recoverin’ from a brain injury and I’m heedin’ the advice of medical professionals who agree that takin’ things day by day is best. Ye collapsed yesterday, for fuck’s sake!”

  He was right of course, but there were times, like now, that I didn’t feel as broken as I was. I wanted to scream. I knew that keeping information from me was logically the best thing for anyone to do, but when I craved honesty, it made accepting that very difficult.

  “Treating me like a piece of glass won’t protect me from shattering, Elliot.”

  He shook his head and sat down in the chair to my left. He wasn’t happy with me; I didn’t even need to look at him to know it. My parents were the same.

  “I’m going to find this stuff out eventually,” I said. “Who knows if my brain will ever be able to handle it?”

  “No one knows,” Elliot snapped, making me jump. “But what I do know is learnin’ about stressful things when you’re as vulnerable as ye are right now is not the way to go.”

  He was right, but I also didn’t regret finding out about the things that Anderson had told me, now that I had time to think about it. The more I learned about the last few years, the more I was certain that I didn’t want to know, because it only led to more questions. But what I wanted wasn’t important. I needed to know what I’d done in my life, in order to figure out how I could move forward on the new path that I was on.

  “What’s done is done,” I said, resting my head back against my pillow. “I know what I know so there’s no point in you being angry about it.”

  “How did he even get in here?” Elliot asked my parents.

  “Because he’s my husband, maybe?” I hissed, sitting back upright. I ignored how rigid Elliot went with my emphasis on the word. “He has a right to visit me, no matter how damaging you all think it may be for me. Why would you all be so cruel to him? Do you have any idea how he feels? To be told it’s better for his wife not to see or speak to him?”

  No one said anything in reply, but I didn’t expect them to.

  “He’s angry and upset with you all, and you’d be mad to say you couldn’t understand why. He told me he understood the doctor and that’s why he stopped trying to come by, but the two times he’s come were because he missed me. He said he thought I’d be sleeping and that he just wanted to sit with me for a while. He wasn’t expecting me to wake up.”

  “Two times?” Elliot raised an eyebrow. “He’s been here twice?”

  “Last night, and a couple of nights ago. We just spoke, and both times I was fine. He understands Doctor Abara’s
orders.”

  “If he understood what the doctor said, why did he talk to you about things you can’t remember?”

  “Because I asked him questions and he answered.” I shrugged at my father. “I know I’m not supposed to know this stuff yet because of what happened with Elliot yesterday, but this is so hard for me. I keep learning things that are hurting me.”

  “Which is exactly why ye don’t need to know about them,” Elliot interrupted. “Not yet, anyway.”

  “I don’t understand any of it though.” A lump formed in my throat. “What frame of mind was I in to cut you all out of my life?” I swallowed. “What was going through my head to think that that was the best poxy option for me? Anderson said I was really depressed, but why did I turn away from you all?”

  “We don’t know,” Mum answered. “We tried to contact you, but you quit your job and moved in with Anderson within days of knowing him.”

  “My God.” I shook my head. “Right after I leave Elliot, I get with a stranger and move in with him? Who does that?”

  I could understand moving on with Anderson after Elliot because he’d provided me with what Elliot couldn’t give me at the time, but to move in with him after a few days was drastic – and I didn’t agree with it.

  “I thought the same,” Dad grunted. “I showed up at Anderson’s flat with the intention of bring you home, but you told me that you wanted to stay. You were twenty-five. I couldn’t drag you out kicking and screaming, though the thought did cross my mind.”

  Elliot leaned forward and took my hand in his. He rubbed his thumb over my knuckles, but even his touch didn’t bring me comfort in that moment. I felt distraught.

  “I feel so . . . so upset with myself.” I looked towards the window and out at the swaying branches of a nearby tree. “I don’t know why I did what I did . . . but I’m so sorry to you all. I’ll never be able to forgive myself.”